If you even exist.
I've had friends try to convince me you're real. I've had friends try to convince me you're just a fairy tale, with no more importance than the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk.
I chose to believe. I don't know why. You've given me very little more than heart ache these past 30+ years. But still, I chose to believe in you. And I almost believed I was beloved. Silly me.
Despite everything you throw at me, I keep believing. Am I foolish? Am I insane? I have been molested, raped, physically and emotionally abused, all since I was but a child. You took two of my best friends - my brothers - away from me. Just as I began to trust and believe in you again, you took away the one person who made me believe. What do you have against me? Why do you hate me? I have given and given and given. Yes, I have sinned. I have sinned against you in thought, word and deed. But I have tried. I have tried to spread your Word. I have tried to follow your path. And time and again you rip away every bit of happiness I find. Hell, it isn't even happiness... you rip away any support I find. You make sure I am continually abandoned. My strength and courage fail me tonight. Is this what you want? You want these scars to bleed again? You want me to finally follow the footsteps of my brothers? Footsteps I should have taken first, but had no courage to do so?
Fine. You win. I give up. I submit to the pain.
In Your name, I pray...
Your beloved
Brandi-God allows us to taste suffering. We are to turn that into action and minister to others who are in worse shape.Don't give up .
ReplyDeleteBrandi, when I encounter with one thing after another like it sounds you are experiencing, it turns out that God hasn't abandoned, he is trying to get me to look up at Him and only need him. First and foremost. Such a hard lesson to look up as if there were nothing going on around me. I am always blessed by his presence and love and continuity. I pray that you will also.
ReplyDelete"I have been molested, raped, physically and emotionally abused, all since I was but a child. You took two of my best friends - my brothers - away from me."
ReplyDeleteWe all have our measure of pain, but this must really hurt! I can't imagine it. However, God did not cause it to happen, nor did he take your brothers. These bad things happen for other reasons. Let me tell you though that the Father sees and he cares. And he hurts for you.
Thank you for your comment. I think we all have had our moments when we blame God for the bad things in life. Right or wrong, we still blame Him. He could stop the bad if He was so inclined. If He couldn't we wouldn't call him an All-powerful God. :)
DeleteIt is good to be honest about how we really feel, like you are doing. What else do we have to rely on but the truth that is inside of us, no matter how wrong the feelings may seem to others, it is our truth. God works with truth. He already knows anyway, what's really going on inside of us. We can hide it from ourselves and from others. But in the end, we've wasted time, and made ourselves sick by attempting to hide it from God. But in honesty is freedom, healing and hope. I believe that.
ReplyDeleteYour pain in great. I know that pain. I know that frustration and unbelievable hopeless feeling. I know the feeling that I'll never in this world stop experiencing trials, tribulations and pain. For some reason I just keep holding on. I keep believing, through it all, believing in a God whose loving care I often cannot see or feel in my life. I just keep believing because He said it in His Word. Hope keeps living in me. That's why my blog is called "Draw Nigh To Hope," and that's why my symbol is a kite.
I have many things to be thankful for, and even happy about. But the serious life struggles and pain that I endure, will it ever go away for me in this world? I don't know, but God says His love and eternal provision will not.
I didn't come here to correct you, nor instruct you about your feelings. I came here to feel with you. :)
Thank you so much for your comment, Sandi. Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate everyone else who's also commented, but yours touched me simply because you didn't correct me, and you didn't tell me how I should be feeling.
DeleteI think most of us who've known true pain and hardship go through moments of blaming God, or hating Him, or even just questioning Him and His motives. Many don't like to admit they feel this because it might upset God. But as you pointed out, God already knows how we feel, so why try to hide it?
Thank you for stopping by to feel with me. I will hold you in my prayers - perhaps together we can have more moments of hope, and less of hopelessness. :)
Made a typo. I'm a perfectionist :(
ReplyDeleteI'm a perfectionist most of the time also... but if I deleted a post or comment every time I made a typo, I think I'd be here forever :)
ReplyDelete