I grew up quickly learning not to depend on people. Physical pain - suck it up and deal with. Emotional pain - suck it up and deal with it. No one cared. Well, that wasn't true. My siblings cared. They understood. But we only comforted each other in secret out of fear. When you grow up like this, it's very difficult to change the mindset that you don't need other people. That you don't need God.
It took me a while, but I slowly started realizing I needed God. And, as life became increasingly chaotic and frightening, and I didn't know if I could handle much more, I realized God wasn't enough.
I truly hate to put it that way. God wasn't enough?
But, I truly feel that way at times.... or, perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that there are times I am too weak to reach out, and too weak to let Him be enough.
There are times I need that physical representation of Him. I need someone to pray with me, or - when really weak - pray for me. I need someone to wrap his arms around me while reminding me that God is holding me. I need someone I can yell at about what a cruel God we ave... and someone who can remind me God understands my anger.
All of this is especially true when I'm in the midst of brokenness. During those difficult times, it's often hard for me to realize God is there with me. He does love me. He is holding me, and understanding of my anger, frustration, tears, and doubts. It is during those difficult times when I find I cannot pray for myself, or for whatever is causing my pain, and during those times when I don't think God would even listen to someone as bad as me.
It was in a moment of despair like this when God sent me an answer to my unspoken prayer. He sent to me a friend - someone to show me God's love and grace. It might have been this friend's arms around me, but it was God holding me close.
And God continues to bless me daily with wonderful friends.
Thank you Lord, and God bless all of you.
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