I Have a 'Thing' For Pastors

I have come to realize I have a "thing" for pastors. And I have for quite some time, though I have only recently realized this. I am attracted to that collar. If they're wearing that (or, I know they could be), I lust for them - for what they have to offer. I desire it. I need it. I get on my knees for it.

In recent weeks and months, things have grown a little clearer for me. I used to recall the betrayal of a pastor, and feed off that. I used that as an excuse to dislike and distrust the church. Yes, I had a pastor betray my trust. But this was a single incident, and is not my only experience with pastors.

Now, with the blinders off, I can remember the years prior to that betrayal, and the years after. I remember being that odd child who sat in the front pew feeding off every word the minister uttered. I remember feverishly taking notes on the sermon... even when it wasn't required for my confirmation class. I remember writing essays as a teenager on various religious topics just because I felt like it.

Somewhere between that being that child starving for salvation, and now, I got lost. I allowed pain and distrust to cloud my soul. I had decided God, and church, and man - none of it was worth it. They weren't worth the risk. The weren't worth the heartache. And this lasted many years. I remember just a couple years ago, out walking around town - I saw a pastor walking towards me... and I purposefully turned and went the other direction. I avoided all pastors. I avoided the church. I avoided those "overly Christian" people who might try to sway me back into God's arms.

Well, I have learned a few things. First and foremost - you can't hide from God. When he decides to hunt you down, he'll find you. Second - God has some pretty good tools/servants in his arsenal, and he knows how to use them to guide you back to the right path. Third - I may have hid my hunger for many years, but it has always been there, and I'm tired of hiding it.

I lust for the knowledge contained within the Bible. I desire the wisdom ministers can provide... I need it. I pray for spiritual growth and understanding. And because of this desire - this lust - I subconsciously seek out those who can provide this to me. I no longer turn the other direction when I see a pastor heading in my direction. I purposefully head straight for that person.I purposefully head straight for God.

Getting to Know God

John 17:3 - And this is eternal life, that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. 

 The concept of knowing God... of understanding him, and becoming closer to him... has been on my mind a great deal as of late. I do want to know him better. I want a closer relationship with him. But how?

In my past, I had my ways of getting closer to God... the main one was prayer. I would talk to God while out walking, while laying in bed, while showering or doing dishes or any other normal daily task. 

Eventually, I added individual study. This means I would read articles regarding religion. I would read the articles which questioned the validity of the Bible, and the articles which supported this validity. I wasn't afraid to question things, and to try to find answers on both sides of the question. 

Recently, church has been added. I used to attend church relatively regularly - when I was a child and teen. But this wasn't from choice. This was from the threat of abuse if I didn't not only attend, but be able to answer questions regarding the service and answer each question correctly. Once I left home, I had decided organized religion was a sham, and not necessary. Now, as I grow older and hopefully a bit more mature, I have come to realize that I do need church. 

But, this still wasn't enough. 

I have started helping with our town's youth group. I will soon (next Sunday) start helping with Sunday school (something I also used to do as a teenager). I help neighbors, friends, relatives, others whenever I can. I try to do what is good and right by God. But there is still a feeling within me that there is something more I need to be doing. There is some other purpose for me. God is leading me somewhere, but I have no clue where. 

I did try going to Bible Study. On the one hand, I do feel I need to be at a Bible Study. But, I need one which is conducive to my learning and understanding and goal of knowing God. This is nothing against the women of the existing Bible Study. They are great women. But, I need a group which allows and encourages participation, one in which those attending aren't afraid to say "I don't agree with that." I need one which is willing to question, and help find the answers to those questions. I know there must be others who also want a Bible Study group which allows for discussions. I just have to find them. I even have a teenager who wants to babysit children while the mothers meet. 

Thankfully, I do have a friend/pastor who is willing to answer some of my questions, or at least point me in the right direction to find these answers on my own. Hopefully this can continue, as I feel his guidance is helping lead me somewhere I need to be... I just wish I knew where that somewhere is. I know I need to have faith that God is leading me in the right direction. I can only pray that God gives me the courage to let myself be led, and the strength to face what he has in store for me. 

I want to be able to share my story, hopefully reaching out to those still in the dark. I want to share the light that was recently given to me. I want those who are lost to know there is a way out. But I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to start. Maybe if I can get closer to God, continue learning and understanding and knowing him, I can find an answer... I can find a way. 

I don't know why this is suddenly of such great importance to me. I just know it is. I know there is a purpose. There are some people who simply know when they are being called on by God. They know what they are supposed to be doing. I don't know. Is this even God calling on me, or am I simply hearing random voices again? Ah, so many questions. Please Lord, help me find the answers...