God Planned Tragedy?

I've read several blog posts today regarding God's plan... God has a plan for us all. Our lives have already been predetermined by God. Everything good or bad which happens in our life is part of God's plan. He has a purpose for everything he sends our way - it's all intended to bring us closer to him...

And do you know what I have to say about all this?

Bullchiznet!

God is a loving God. He is all powerful and all knowing. He is full of Grace and mercy.

And yet, you're all telling me that this God wants us to sin? It's his plan that we're all going to sin? You're telling me that he wants to kill a bunch of children in a school?

Don't get me wrong - God does have a plan. But well, how many times have you made a plan only to have those plans thwarted whether or not by controllable circumstances? I planned to grill steaks the other night. My grill ran out of gas. I planned to spend yesterday getting a lot of work done... instead, I slept because I was unable to sleep the night before. Just because a plan is in place, does not mean we're going to follow it.

God gave us free will. With this free will came the ability for us to choose whether or not to follow God's plan for us. Our choices have not been predetermined. I think it's a bit of a cop-out to say they are. Oh, I cheated on my husband because God predetermined I would do so. I opened fire on a school full of children because God predetermined I would do so. It's part of God's plan.

...

?

Does that sound like a loving and merciful God to you?

For those who recognize that we DO have a plan made up for us, and recognize that we have the free will to decide whether or not to follow that plan, but don't know how to understand that plan or know what to do... I completely understand. It is very difficult at times to know where God would like us to be. All I can say is pray. When faced with a tough decision or circumstance... open your heart to hear God's will. He isn't always easy to hear, but he will help move you in the right direction if you truly want to follow his path.

Rewind

As I stated in my previous post - while I do try to avoid those feelings of regret, there are some things which are much more difficult to push past. Leaving my siblings behind is one of these. It doesn't matter how many times I remind myself that it was a decision that had to be made, and it was one made without any intention to hurt anyone else, and it was one which has led to good things - it is still difficult to look beyond the guilt and regret.

Another area where regret comes into play quite often - for myself and probably everyone else - is the words we speak. How many times have you said something you wish you could take back? Maybe you told a friend you hate him, or told your parents you don't need them or care about them. We all tend to say things mean to people we care about - often times these words are something we don't mean. We're angry or hurt and react to those feelings. For a moment, we want to hurt that other person. And once those words escape our lips, it's done. There is no taking it back. There is no rewind button.

There's a good question... if you could hit the rewind button... and redo the actions or words... would you? If I could rewind to the day I left home, I would still leave. I am certain of this. Even knowing the outcome, I would not change my actions that day. What I would change - I would have tried harder to see my brothers, to let them know I'm here for them. And I would have made sure they knew I loved them and thought of them every day.

When it comes to words - not too long ago, I told a good friend of mine that I hate him. I was hurt and angry at a decision he'd made - a decision which had nothing to do with me, but affected me all the same. And I wanted to hurt him back. If I could rewind back to that day, would I? Not to re-injure the person I said these words to... but, no. I would not change it. Why? Because saying those words to him forced me to grow up just a little bit more. It has made me see the kind of person I am, and how I look at friendships. And has made me realize I need to make changes in myself. If I were to wipe out all the stupid things I've said and done, I wouldn't grow. I wouldn't need to.

When we absorb ourselves in regrets - when we focus on what we could have done differently, what we would do differently, what we should have done differently - we fail to give those decisions an opportunity to shape us. We fail to grow. When we focus on the "coulda, woulda, shoulda"s, and spend all our time wishing for a rewind button, we fail to see what we can have now - what we can work towards. We live in the past, not the present. We live in a myriad of guilt and regret with no ability to live in God, and for him. How can we claim to see the glory of our Lord when we are too busy looking at how our lives could have been? How can we enjoy the grace of our God when we are too wrapped up in the misery of our past mistakes?

What Might Have Been

My eldest brother, Brandon, was my best friend growing up. Although I was older than him by 6 years, the age difference didn't matter, and it didn't keep him from watching over me. Shortly before his 13th birthday, I left home. And I didn't leave in good terms with our parents - a fact which made it impossible to ever go home again, and to see him again. I did get one visit with him... a little over a year after I left home, and just weeks before his 14th birthday. He ran outside to meet me, hugging me tight. He stayed next to me the entire visit, wrapping his arms around me a few times. And when I left, we embraced again and told each other "I love you."

Little did I know, that would be the last time I would see him. Six years after this visit, I received a phone call. My brother had taken his own life.

My baby brother, Matthew, was my baby. I was the one who babysat him on a very regular basis. I'm the one who sang him to sleep every night from the day he came home from the hospital until he was 7 years old. He was almost nine years old that day I got one visit with Brandon. Matthew was there as well. And, like his older brother, hugged me, although with a bit more reservation. But we did exchange hugs and "I love you"s when I left.

Little did I know, that would be the last time I would see that little boy, either. Fifteen years after this visit, I received an email. My baby brother had taken his own life.

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I generally don't believe in regrets. There are so many things we look back on and wish we would have done something different. Oh, how things might be now if I hadn't had sex with that stranger, or if I hadn't robbed that bank, or if I hadn't sneaked out of my bedroom window, or if I had just taken the time to say "I'm sorry." I'm sure if any of you look back on your lives... even just look back on the last year... you'll come up with several "coulda, woulda, shoulda" things. I should have painted the exterior of the house. I should have gone to see my cousins. I should have...

Well, you get the idea. We all have things we wish we would have done differently.

For me, I try to brush off these thoughts as soon as they happen - especially the more serious things. For example... when I was a teen, I turned my parents in for abuse to my pastor. He betrayed my trust by going to them with the accusation... an act which led to me getting beat, and to me losing faith in the church and basically turning my back on God. BUT... I do not regret my decision to tell this pastor what was happening. Although it seems nothing good came from this act, I don't regret it.

Why?

Because it shaped me. Yes, it made it harder for me to trust people. Yes, it made me believe the church is a sham and God is a bored creature playing games with all us pawns. But, it also made me stronger. It has made me more careful of whom I trust, and because of this, has given me some incredibly wonderful friends. Although it took 20-some years, it has taught me what a church is and is not, and what a good Christian leader is and is not, and has led to me finding a church where I belong; finding a pastor who (although no longer the pastor at my church) has taught me to trust again; and has resulted in me having a much stronger relationship with God. Had I not had this hardship, there is a good chance that my relationship with God today would just be one of those "oh yeah, I believe I guess" type of casual, unimportant relationships.

This is how I try to look at all decisions which start to cause that tickle of regret inside me. I try to think of the good that has eventually come from my decision. When I was 7, I had to get stitches above my eye because I decided jump-roping with a towel was a good idea. I can still see the scar. But I don't regret this. I don't regret it because guess what? I have never jumped rope with a towel since that day.

But sometimes... some decisions... such as the decision that causes me to leave my siblings behind; that causes me to not speak to them again for several years; that causes me to not have the chance to speak to two of them ever again.... those decisions... those regrets. Those are difficult for me.

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Due to the lateness of the hour... and the busyness of the day... and the fact that I am about to fall asleep on my keyboard... I am going to take a break from this post until tomorrow.

Peace...