I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy!

Maybe I’m wrong. It’s happened once or twice before. But to me – having the Holy Spirit living within, and working within me… it is not about obedience to the law. It has nothing to do with the law. It has nothing to do with obedience.

It has to do with following Christ with joy. 

Christians should not be boring people. They should not be somber people. They should not be people wandering around with the weight of the law on their backs. They should be filled with joy! We should be screaming from the rooftops our love for Christ, and about what He did for us. We should be praising his name as we help those closest to us with everything from the simplest of tasks, to those requiring more of our time and effort. We should be gratefully and graciously forgiving those who’ve wronged us, and sincerely apologizing and asking forgiveness for the wrongs we’ve committed to someone else.

Having the Holy Spirit within us doesn’t mean we suddenly become these obedient, sinless, dutiful little lemmings. It means we suddenly recognize that we are indeed children of God. We don’t follow God out of fear. We don’t follow out of obligation.

We are excited to do His will!

We are excited to be disciples. We are excited to spread His love to all we meet… not to frighten these people into following, but to show them the true joy that comes with following.

This is what many Christians are missing – we’re not allowing the Spirit to stir us. We’re not allowing that joy to flow through us, and out of us.

We should be infectious. 

We shouldn’t be “follow God or you’re going to die in eternal hellfire!” We should be “follow God because it is soooo insanely wonderful!” Let us all seek to be infectious in our families, our churches, our communities, and outwards.

God bless!

It's All About God...or me?.... Or maybe the Spirit...

"...You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives..." (James 4:2-3)

It always amazes me how God shows Himself to us - and when. Perhaps it's happened to you before... you're just going through your life, and wander into a dense fog. Stumble over a rock in the road. Take a wrong turn. Whatever the case may be. And then there is someone suddenly there... maybe someone new, maybe someone you know quite well... someone who suddenly clears the fog, the rocks, and puts you back on the right road. When there is that sudden clarity - you can pretty much guarantee it's God working.

How it all began...

When I first started Sermons from a Psycho, it was just a challenge. A dare almost. I already had two (maybe more?) other blogs going, and Christianity really wasn't my "thing" (I was a Christian... I just didn't talk about it all that much). But a good friend, a long car ride, and someone's propensity for procrastination on his sermons, led this friend to basically challenge me to write a sermon. So, Sermons from a Psycho began.

It's early months didn't get much attention. But, I didn't share it all that much. I wasn't much for screaming from the rooftops that God is great! And Hey! Look at me! I'm a Christian! I just wrote what came to mind. Sometimes I forced things in an attempt to get out that one great article. Sometimes (most times) I just wrote for the sake of writing. And I really didn't care that the site received few visitors.

Growth Spurt! 

I don't know when it happened. I just remember suddenly feeling... different. I started writing more. I started sharing my posts. I started attending Church and Bible study. I wanted more of God. I couldn't get enough, and yet felt so complete, at the same time.

It was around this time when I noticed my views growing substantially on my psychosermons blog. People were reading my stuff. I was touching people. It was a wonderful feeling. Why do I need those other blogs? This one is all I need! (Please note... I said this one, meaning this blog.... not this God....), so, I deleted my other blogs.

"What goes up, must come down...."

 I shut down my other blogs at the beginning of this year - right in the middle of a huge growth on my sermons site. The other blogs received only a handful of visitors a week, weren't glorifying God, weren't helping me, and didn't have any links to the sermon site. And I mean, I wasn't touching anyone with them. No one cared about me because of them. So it shouldn't have mattered that they no longer existed.

So why were my numbers dwindling???

Somehow, in giving up blogs that were just as "me" as this one, I was losing visitors. I was losing views. It didn't make sense. Why would God do this to me? Why would He give me this ability to reach out to people, and then take it away from me me?

(anyone notice how many times I used the word "me" in that last paragraph?)

"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives..." (James 4:3)

God Smacked Me Upside the Head...

Oh, How I Love God! He always knows when to talk to me... and when to smack me upside the head and make me listen. A few things happened, all within a few days of each other. A viewer to my website who normally doesn't check it out. A Bible study heavily based on the Holy Spirit. And a few late night conversations with a friend.

And it dawned on me... I was seriously lacking in Spirit. And it was showing in my writing, and in my attitude, and subsequently (and also unimportantly) in the number of visits my web was generating. I was pretending to be someone I wasn't. I was doing things for all the wrong reasons. I stopped writing for God and myself, and started writing to be noticed. I stopped writing to hopefully help someone else who's been abused, and started writing to get more stats. I stopped being God's tool and started making it about me.

I'm BACK!

I have reopened my other blogs. There was a purpose for those before... and that purpose still exists, and is necessary. And, I have spent the last couple days getting my head back together.

I know I haven't been doing very well on my Lenten goal of a post a week, but I guess this week, God had other plans for me... He needed me to recognize I was growing stagnant in the Holy Spirit. And now.... tonight... I want to scream from the rooftop how great our Lord is. But, the best I can do is scream it from this blog...

God is Great! God is with us, and does listen to us. He just wants us to ask for things for the right reasons. But oh how He is with us... His Spirit is within each of us, living within us. Glory to God for this!

May all of you stay strong in the Spirit this weekend and longer. God bless!

Cravings

This need grows stronger every day. I feel if I must live with it another moment I will wither away, back to the fire from which I was born. To understand why I live in this endless torment you must be me. You must walk behind the dark one. You must surrender your soul to the beast. I do not typically regret the decisions I have made, except for now. I am hungry. I need him. Lust is too mild of a word to describe the feeling coursing through my body; through my blackened soul. When I first tasted him, I became one with him. I need him more than I need food or water. I need him in every way and every form. I need to taste him; I need to feel his blood pulsating around me, and in me. I have always been in control of my victims. I have always pulled away before the need for only one came to be. But I have erred and now I die in this hell I have allowed myself to be drawn into. (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Hunger”)

This excerpt came from "Hunger" - a chapter which consisted of several little snippets that became the inspiration for a novel I was writing ("Tentazia" - a vampire novel that's only half finished). But, although they inspired a novel, they never became part of that. Instead, they became part of "Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman" - a set of articles/chapters/posts that began as blog posts on one of my first blog "Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman Insane" (if I recall the name correctly).

Anyway, the history of the writing is really somewhat irrelevant, other than the time-frame in which it was written. At that point in time, there were health problems to worry about, and I was dealing with a lot of personal issues, and I was probably at my lowest spiritually. While I claimed to believe in God, I really didn't follow Him at all. I was drinking quite often, and the voices in my head were louder than normal. And damn was I craving something.

I had no idea what it was... all I knew was that I felt empty. The more I felt this way, the louder the voices got, and the more I drank to quiet them. The more I drank, the more empty I felt, and the more stupid decisions I made. I truly did feel like I was starving to death - but starving for what?

As I take another swig from the bottle, I find myself wondering why. Why isn't it easing the craving? It numbs it. Dulls it. But never eases it. Never makes it easier to understand or accept. And it never appeases it. It is not the life energy that I crave and need to survive. Instead I bury myself into it, driving myself deeper into this illness which can never be cured. (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Craving”)

At Bible Study last night, we were discussing emptiness. So many of us fall into this pit of emptiness - a pit we try to fill with substitutes. Drugs, alcohol, sex - these are all unhealthy ways we try to fill the emptiness. We cling to worldly possessions in an attempt to overcome this emptiness.

There are even otherwise healthy things we do in an attempt to fill this void. We try to fill it with work. Or with our families. The more we do, the less empty we'll feel - or so we fool ourselves into believing.  There are even some people who will try unsuccessfully to fill this void with Church or Scripture.

Now surely Church and Scripture should fill this void! Well, yes, sometimes it does. But, when we're not allowing the void to be filled by God... by the Holy Spirit... even trying to fill it with Church/Scripture will leave the hole there. There will always be a hunger until we allow the Holy Spirit to fill us.

This hunger is slowly killing me, I'm starving to death, and no one knows. No one -understands. This isn't a game, at least, no more a game then all of life is. I'm just a pawn, a pawn to society, to the "norm". I am not normal, and do not say "Yes, you are" because you don't hear the voices. You don't know what they say to me. You can't hear all the whimpers and screams and at times, the utter silence. No voice, not even my own, echoing within. Just nothingness. No words, no pain, no pleasure. Tell me you know me. I dare you. Tell me you understand. Tell me I'm not really evil - that the ache within begging for a taste is just an act, or a product of my depressions. Come now, you aren't afraid to tell me are you? (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Evil”)

 In Cana, the wine ran out - Jesus filled the jars with wine (well, technically, the servants filled them with water, which Jesus then turned to wine, but whatever...). The point is, Jesus filled the jars with new wine. At the well, the woman was there to fill her jar with water, and Jesus filled her with something more - the living water.

While empty, while suffering cravings to fill this emptiness, we experience sorrow, darkness, fear, hunger, pain, anger, and many other negative emotions. But when we accept the new wine - the Holy Spirit - we are given so much...

"By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against such things" (Galatians 5:22-23)

Those cravings you're feeling tonight? The addictions and hunger that plague you? Turn to Jesus. Ask Him for some of the good wine. Let Him fill the emptiness.

May you all have an overflowing of the wine Christ Jesus offers us all. God bless.

What Matters Most

Every night there's a new discussion... a new debate... a new argument... happening on Facebook and Google+ regarding Christianity. "My faith is better than your faith" is what they all amount to - which is actually quite ridiculous since we all worship the same God. And yet, I take part in these. And many I know take part in these. But honestly, does it matter if we believe baptism is by immersion or sprinkling? Does it matter if we believe the Lord's Supper is literal or figurative? Does it matter if we believe this verse means this, or that?

No. It does not matter.

How can I say such a thing? How can I know this?

First... allow me to describe something that I don't know if I even can describe...

Nearly a year ago, a friend of mine (who happens to be a pastor) drug me (figuratively) to the baptismal font in his church. I was not a member there. I'd been a rare church-goer at all. But there I stood with him, my heart heavy. My soul heavy. I felt as if God had abandoned me. My eyes brimmed with tears that I refused to let fall as I stood beside a man I refused to trust in the building of a God I believed could never love me.

He had me dip my hands into the water; let me feel the water flow between my fingers. I could feel a slow peace beginning to overcome me, but I tried to ignore it. And then he dipped his own fingers into the water, and moved his hand to my head. With his thumb, he made the sign of the cross on my forehead, stating with no uncertainty that I am a beloved child of God.

The tears fell. My knees trembled, barely able to hold my weight. I shook. I couldn't seem to find my voice. And what happened inside me? I can never come up with words adequate enough to explain. I suddenly knew... I knew God was there with me. I knew He did love me. I knew I was one of his beloved. My heart that had been closed off for 30-some years was suddenly opened. I trusted. My whole being was suddenly filled with the Holy Spirit. And I felt peace. And I felt loved.

------

So, how do I know that all the "little" things we argue and fight about really don't matter that much?

Easy... if it does matter, than the my faith must be the only correct faith. Why? Because the Holy Spirit is in me... and I am saved... and I am a beloved child of God. And I know this without a doubt. And, at the time I became aware of this, I was a faithful attender of the Lutheran church, and was in the process of switching my membership to that church. So, if all these things matter... than what I believe must be the correct belief... which means everyone must convert to Lutheranism. That's the only answer...

Unless, of course, these things really just aren't as important as the Grace and Love of God - a grace and love so immense that He gave his only Son, our Lord, to die for us.

This is what matters most.

God Planned Tragedy?

I've read several blog posts today regarding God's plan... God has a plan for us all. Our lives have already been predetermined by God. Everything good or bad which happens in our life is part of God's plan. He has a purpose for everything he sends our way - it's all intended to bring us closer to him...

And do you know what I have to say about all this?

Bullchiznet!

God is a loving God. He is all powerful and all knowing. He is full of Grace and mercy.

And yet, you're all telling me that this God wants us to sin? It's his plan that we're all going to sin? You're telling me that he wants to kill a bunch of children in a school?

Don't get me wrong - God does have a plan. But well, how many times have you made a plan only to have those plans thwarted whether or not by controllable circumstances? I planned to grill steaks the other night. My grill ran out of gas. I planned to spend yesterday getting a lot of work done... instead, I slept because I was unable to sleep the night before. Just because a plan is in place, does not mean we're going to follow it.

God gave us free will. With this free will came the ability for us to choose whether or not to follow God's plan for us. Our choices have not been predetermined. I think it's a bit of a cop-out to say they are. Oh, I cheated on my husband because God predetermined I would do so. I opened fire on a school full of children because God predetermined I would do so. It's part of God's plan.

...

?

Does that sound like a loving and merciful God to you?

For those who recognize that we DO have a plan made up for us, and recognize that we have the free will to decide whether or not to follow that plan, but don't know how to understand that plan or know what to do... I completely understand. It is very difficult at times to know where God would like us to be. All I can say is pray. When faced with a tough decision or circumstance... open your heart to hear God's will. He isn't always easy to hear, but he will help move you in the right direction if you truly want to follow his path.

Water (pt 2) and Affirmation

The readings in the "Christ in our Home" booklet for the rest of this week all center around water and/or baptism. I have already written one post on the importance of water, including my own personal experiences with this element (http://psychosermons.blogspot.com/2012/12/water.html); however, I want to address another part of these verses. 

The readings: 
Isaiah 43:1-7, Psalm 29, Acts 8:14-17,  Luke 3:15-17, 21-22


As I state in my previous post regarding water, this element is what Christianity is about. Water plays an integral part of the Bible, in both the old and new Testaments. But, one of the main purposes of water in Christianity is baptism. Through the water, our sins are washed away and we receive the Holy Spirit, becoming a part of God, a receiver of his love, one of his beloved children. In all the readings above, water and the Holy Spirit are important themes. 

However, that is not the only theme. Another theme found in a couple of these readings is the affirmation of God's love for us. 

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..." (Isaiah 43:4)

"And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”" (Luke 3:22)

We all need this affirmation. We all need the reminder that we are a beloved child of God. We need the pat on the back that we're doing right by God (or, as right as we as humans can do). But this affirmation is not just in regards to God. 

 We need the reminder from those whom we look up to that they care, and that we're doing a good job. Maybe this is a parent, or a teacher, or a preacher. An older sibling, or a boss, or a mentor. Or some combination of any of these. Most of us have, or have had, someone we look up to, someone we want to please, someone whose opinion matters. This is the same as God - we look up to him, we want to please him. And so we need to hear that we are doing well, and that we are still loved.

Through water, we can be reminded of God's love for us - we can feel the Holy Spirit move through us. Although we are only baptized once (generally), we can allow ourselves to remember that event, and remember that we are indeed beloved. 

 
 

Bible Study Answers

"When they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken; and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God with boldness" (Acts 4:31)

Last Thursday, I had the privilege of being invited to Bible Study at my church by a friend of mine, whom I used to work with (and still work in the same building as). As she knows, I'm not much for speaking in a group setting. But, I do enjoy sitting there and absorbing what is taught, provided something is actually taught. Anyway, there were a few questions which were a part of the lesson, of which I never did speak up and answer, because of my comfort level in this group. So, without further ado, here are my answers to some of these questions...

2. Consider the place of prayer in your own life. What are the circumstances in which you pray? Are there situations or times when it it harder (or easier) to pray? Has there been a time when prayer has been especially significant for you or for people you know or love? 

When I was younger, prayer was a common thing for me. I would pray that my parents would stop beating us children; that God would save us from the pain we were going through. I would pray that the other forms of abuse we dealt with on a regular basis would end. I prayed for death. I prayed for salvation. I prayed for peace, and happiness. I prayed God would at least let me know that he truly was there watching over us.

After suffering for years, I began to doubt in God. I went through a painful period of trying to figure out if he truly existed, and if so, why he never listened to or answered my prayers. Eventually, while still without any good answers, I began to alter my prayers.

Today, I pray to give thanks for what I do have. And I pray for others. I no longer (or, rarely anyway) pray for myself. I pray my children have enough to eat this month. I pray for their health and happiness. I pray for Dad - while I realize the cancer will not go away, I pray that God gives him peace, and takes away his pain. I pray for Mom - that she has the strength to make it through this difficult time. I pray for my husband - that during his continued trials, he finds some joy in life. I pray for my pastor and his wife - that while I am still hurt and angry that I will be losing a trusted friend (or, rather, two friends), I pray they find happiness and peace in their new home. I pray for my other friends who are going through difficult times right now.

I have a difficult time praying for myself... this would have to be the most difficult for me. To pray for something I want or need... this is something I spent so many years doing without any answers. And so, I no longer do so. It's difficult to pray knowing that the personal prayers will not be answered... believing that maybe I'm not worth having those prayers answered. And, it's just difficult as it seems so selfish to pray for oneself.

6. Can you recall a situation in which you spoke boldly in the face of opposition or risk? What happened? What gave you the courage to do this?

This hasn't happened much recently, and I don't think it has ever happened for me in regards to religion. However, I do recall a few times when I was in high school still. One time actually ended up in a fist fight (the only fist fight I ever got into). Some kids were outside the school smoking... and were trying to convince a mentally handicapped girl to smoke. "If you smoke with us, we'll be your friends. We'll take care of you.." I was furious. I had spent a few years working with the mentally disabled - teaching Sunday school to them, babysitting them, etc - and I was very protective of them. And so I did speak up. I knew the risks - the main girl trying to get the other to smoke was about twice my size, and well known to pummel anyone or anything that got in her way. But I didn't care. Well, as I said, it did end up with fists flying, but for the most part it was me on top of the other one... it was me doing the pummeling.

I'm not sure what gave me the courage... I just knew that someone needed to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

A couple other times were also in high school. We had two teachers - one whom enjoyed touching his female students, and another who gave the popular kids good grades, regardless of whether or not they deserved such a grade. With help from a friend, we managed to get both of these teachers asked to leave the school. In the case of the first - sexual harassment is never right, and I knew the discomfort and shame felt by girls who are abused in this way by an elder. In the case of the second... I'm all about fairness (or, used to be anyway). And so I just didn't like her.

7. What makes it difficult to speak boldly about your faith, or about what God has done in Jesus? What might help to overcome that difficulty? Fill in the blanks in the following statements: Something important to me about God, Jesus, or my faith is___________. One way I could "speak boldly" about this is _______________. 

Now this is an interesting question (the first part anyway). There are a few different answers. First, it would depend on who I'm around. Around my old college friends and some of my other friends (both of which are only on Facebook)... most of them are not firm believers in God. Some are willing to accept there might be a higher power, but that's as far as it goes. And some are atheist. Speaking boldly - it isn't that it's difficult, so to speak, but more that it's just pointless. I think the most difficult part for me is that I do not like having anyone else's views pushed on me, and therefore do not want to force my views on anyone else.

Around other people... such as people in the church... I just simply do not feel comfortable. It has nothing to do with faith being the difficult part of speaking... I just don't like speaking in front of them.

But, I think besides not wanting to push views, the other difficulty in general is that I'm not 100% positive about my own beliefs. Yes, I know there is a God. But, that's as much as I can say I am absolutely certain of. If anyone were to start asking questions, I know I would not be able to answer. 

8. Share a time when you or a community of believers had a foundation-shaking experience of God. This may have been a radical or energizing experience, or perhaps a quiet and comforting one. Briefly describe the experience and the outcome of the experience. 

The one time that sticks out the most to me happened earlier this year. Our town's youth group went on a trip to Minot to help with flood relief. This trip changed me in so many ways. Seeing a group of 13-16 year old teens doing hard physical labor to help others renewed my faith in mankind. Partaking in that physical labor renewed my faith in my own ability to act selflessly. Hearing the stories of those affected by the flood - the loss they had to deal with, the constant struggle to rebuild - it made me much more grateful for what I have. Watching everyone work together, play together, pray together - it made God's work and word more visible than I had ever seen or experienced before.

But above and beyond all this, this was when God answered one of my unspoken prayers and sent to me someone who would change my life in ways I haven't fully realized. It was at this time when I began to believe again, and trust again, and open myself up.

9. Where does the Spirit seek to move you and your own gathered community today? In what ways is the Spirit empowering a change, so that you might speak the word of God with boldness?

I'm not certain. I know the journey that was started in Minot is still the path I am on, but I don't know where the Spirit is moving me. I know there is a change continuing within me, but am still in the process of fighting this change. Boldness is currently hiding from me... or rather, I am hiding from it.

Water

A couple weeks ago, a good friend lent me a book to read - "Traveling Mercies." Due to dwindling time-frames, I pushed aside a couple books given to me by other friends (Sorry David and Tim... I'll read your next. Promise!), and became immersed in this memoir which was flooded with spirituality. While I had to read it in parts (half yesterday, half this morning) because of it affecting me more than most books do, I was able to finish it today.

There is a part in there, near the end of the book, where the author (Anne Lamott) discusses the importance of water in Christianity. Or rather, about how Christianity is about water. "It's about surrender, giving in to all those things we can't control; it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched."

------

I stood under the water this morning, the steam circling around me, the hot shower flowing over me, around me, through me. I stared up into the stream, letting it wash over my face, my eyes. I cupped my hands, filling them with the lovely liquid, feeling it trickle from between my fingers; feeling it spilling over my flesh, washing over me.

As the water flowed over my cupped hands, spilling at my feet, I felt a sense of peace I haven't felt much as of late. A sense of sorrow mingled in the midst, but peace as well. Subconsciously, I reached up and traced the shape of a cross I could feel burning on my forehead. A tear or two mixed unnoticed with the heated drops from the shower. The burning cross on the forehead was not a painful burning - just one of warmth, and calm. But it did stir a painful sorrowful burn in my heart.

------

It was my birthday (29, for the 10th year in a row). The year had been rough, particularly the last few months. My life had been tough. And for the first time that I can recall in my life, I had reached out for help. We sat talking... a good friend and I.... and I think it was through frustration by him towards me - due to my ability to cast blame upon myself at all times - this friend finally figuratively dragged me to the front of the sanctuary, to the baptismal font.

It was there, at that time and on that day, I felt the water. I dipped my hand into the frigid water - frigid water which, while flowing through my fingers, brought me warmth. It was there, at that time and on that day, that he wet his finger with the water and placed a cross on my forehead. I was baptized as a baby, as most of us are, but this - on my 38th birthday - was the first time I truly felt the Holy Spirit with and within me.

------

Today, as I stood under that shower, my body and soul bared for God and none other, I felt Him again. I felt the water cleanse me, wash over me, renew my spirit, calm my aching heart.

""The hope, the belief, is that a new day is upon you now. A day when you are emboldened to take God at God's word about cleanness and protection. 'When thou passeth through the water, I will be with thee; and through the rivess, they shall not overflow thee'." (Traveling Mercies, Anne Lamott)