Be Free

I woke up this morning in a very odd mood. Everything just seemed right. I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt confident that I am going to be okay. Everything is going to work out as it should. I felt free. I kept repeating one simple phrase - Today is a new day. That one thought has been in my head since even before the fog of sleep fully dissipated.

But it didn't completely dawn on me how different today started and is until an hour ago. It didn't dawn on my fully what that simple thought meant.

Those who know me, know I am deathly afraid of bees/wasps/hornets. For some reason, every so often, I get a wasp in my office. So I keep a wasp/hornet killer spray close by my desk. Whenever one of these creatures invades my office, I immediately stand at the door, shaking in fear - about 10 feet from the window they like to play on, and spray the heck out of them... then run out the door and wait for the thing to die.

A couple hours ago, I realized one of these was in my office again. I let him be and continued what I was working on. I wasn't afraid of him. About an hour ago, he started flying around, getting pretty close to me. I decided it was time for him to go away. So... I opened the window and told him to go be free....

I sat back down... and realized what I'd done. Now, to some of you reading this, this may seem like a silly thing to be shocked about. It may seem like a silly thing to care about. It may not make sense why this would even have any meaning. But well, this is my blog, and my feelings, and it doesn't have to make sense to you :-)

Again, that phrase came to me - Today is a new day.

And I realized I got one of the words wrong. Today is not just a new day. Today is a new chapter. Today is the day I realized I don't need to live in fear of so many things. God is with me. I don't need to fear my feelings, my problems, my demons. God is beside me. I don't need to live in that place of sorrow and guilt. God is embracing me. I don't need to live in that place of pain and anger. God's arms are around me.

I am free. I am forgiven. I am beloved. I am here for a purpose, and need to listen to that purpose and follow the path He has set before me.

I am at peace. And I am free to experience that peace.

Today is a new chapter.

God bless!

The Lost Art of the Confessional

Before I begin, allow me to remind you that I'm Lutheran, and up until a few years ago, I really didn't have much to do with any church. Therefore, this post will not apply to everyone or make sense to everyone.

That said...

I recall visiting with a pastor a couple years ago regarding confession - whether or not it's something that we should do privately with a pastor or someone. And he explained how confession is important - both directly to God through prayer, and through the confession and forgiveness portion of service - but that anything more than that wasn't necessary (although there is nothing wrong with it, either). So, my only experience with private confession was generally through email to him - not in any professional confession and forgiveness format.

A couple weeks ago, particularly weighted down by a lot of stress, I went to speak to my pastor, and he asked if I'd want to do a private confession and forgiveness with him. Now, first, I didn't even know this existed (I don't generally read through the entire worship book/hymnal). And second, you want me to what? I agreed... but wow did I learn something. Confessing your sins to a pastor (or anyone for that matter) takes a whole lot of trust.

Let me interrupt my own babbling for a moment to explain a few things...

1) pastors/priests are not to divulge anything said to them in the confessional to anyone else; so there should be an inherent trust built in. However, I have trust issues with people, including (and perhaps especially) pastors.

2) I am not saying I distrust this particular pastor. If that were the case, I wouldn't have even been there speaking to him. But again, I have trust issues.

This entire experience pushed my trust to limits I was not used to. And it wasn't even anything major (i.e. no, I did not confess to killing anyone, or cheating, or anything like that). But regardless, it pushed my trust limits and opened up a whole new level of discomfort. And, it also opened up a whole new level of comfort and peace.

Will I do this again? Yes. And for those who've never had the experience of an individual confession and forgiveness - when you're feeling weighted down by your sin; when speaking directly to God through prayer doesn't seem to alleviate that weight; when you just really need to dump all that garbage off yourself; when you desperately need to hear that God does indeed forgive you - I recommend going to your pastor and requesting this.

God bless!

We Only Pray For Those We Deem Worthy!

I read something earlier today that has really ruffled my feathers. Simply, it was a blog post saying we should not be saying "rest in peace" (R.I.P. - Are They Really Resting In Peace). Now granted, most of what is said in that article isn't necessarily false. We are told not everyone will get into heaven. What I had a problem with was saying we should not be saying "rest in peace" to everyone.

Christian Fundamentals

There are many things we're told to do and not do as Christians. But two in particular I want to stress are:

1. We are to love and pray for everyone. This includes friends and enemies; believers and non-believers. We aren't allowed to pick and choose who we choose to love, or for whom we choose to pray. 

   But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)

2. Only God can see into the hearts of man. Yes, we tend to assume a lot. We see someone living a godless life, we assume they are godless. We hear someone confess they are a Christian, we assume they are Christian. But we cannot truly see what is in their hearts. 

   So he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of others; but God knows your hearts... (Luke 16:15)

Rest in Peace

These three words (or five if you go with the lengthy version "may he rest in peace") is essentially a prayer. We say these words to prayerfully request the person's soul goes to Heaven. We, as Christians, should want all people to go there. We should be praying for the souls of all - friends and enemies. Those who stand by us and those who persecute us. Those who believe in the Lord, and those who don't yet.

As I said before, we aren't supposed to be picking and choosing who to pray for. Yes, I may not think someone is a Christian. He's a sinner. He has perhaps even actively stated there is no God. Is this not more reason to pray for his soul?

And, as I also stated before, I can't truly see into his heart. True, someone who would state aloud "there is no God!" quite probably is not Christian. But I do not with 100% certainty know this to be true. And I cannot know with 100% certainty if this person's soul is saved. All I can do is pray for him.

That is all any of us can and should be doing - pray for everyone. Pray while they're alive that they are able to find Christ. And pray when they die a request that their soul may rest in peace.

God bless!

Cannot Yet Quiet My Soul

I remember looking down at my babies as they slept quietly, contently, in my arms. There was almost a tangible trust and peacefulness there - a calm that can never be truly expressed with words. I often found (and still find) myself wondering if I ever had that same quiet trust.

Somewhere, at some point in time, the harshness of the world invaded my soul. There was no quiet. There was no peace. There was no quiet trust in parents, or in God. I saw God in the same light I saw my parents - uncaring, abusive, cruel, chaotic.

As I matured (ok, so perhaps "matured" isn't the right word, as I am still quite immature) and was mentored (just within the last couple years) I began to separate God from my parents. I began to understand Him as loving, nurturing, trustworthy. But this did not change my chaotic soul. I start to find some calm and then the harshness of the world sweeps in like a violent tornado, taking me with it.

Tonight, in Bible study, we read the story of Jesus with Martha and Mary, where Mary sits quietly at Jesus feet, listening to Him whilst Martha scurries about busy with everything she felt needed to be done. The past few weeks, I have been Martha. I've been worrying about everything happening, and everything needing to be done. I haven't allowed myself to simply sit at Jesus feet and listen. I haven't given myself a chance to focus on God, and on allowing Him to bring me comfort and peace.

I am still trying to learn how to remain calm in the storm; how to trust God through the turmoil; how keep my soul at peace in the midst of the world's screams.

I am still in need of someone telling me "Peace, Brandi, Peace"... someone reminding me to breath and be calm and let myself feel the peace of Christ.

Psalm 131:2 (NRSV)

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

Perhaps, some day, I'll get there... Although, I must admit, for a moment I felt that quiet tonight. A very brief moment, but a moment all the same.

May the peace of Christ be with you all...

I Know the Answer to THE Question!

"Jesus is the answer."

"God loves you."

"Put your faith in the Lord."

"Joy comes from following Christ."

"Blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."

"God is always with you."

"Peace be with you."

"God is our living hope."

Oh how often we hear these words. 

We utter them to those in need. We nod in approval when they are told to us in our times of need.

A few years ago, had someone asked me "Do you believe in God?" I would have of course answered yes. When asked if I love Him, I would have answered yes. Do I trust him? Yes. Do  I believe He is hope? That there is hope?... and I stumble. What about joy?... wellllll.... Peace? .... ha! Funny.

But I did try. I thought.

A friend of mine always ends his emails with "Peace" - or, if I'm extremely troubled at the time, "Peace, Brandi. Peace." When I first started reading these words, I'd feel great appreciation for the thought/prayer, but didn't feel the peace itself.

A friend of mine tried to explain to me that it is ok to love and trust others - that fellowship is a good and necessary thing. To be honest, I found this all rather funny, but because I did trust this person, I figured what can it hurt to give it a try?

A friend of mine tried to convince me that peace and joy are concepts not outside my grasp. He tried to convince me that I am deserving of these things. And that I am deserving of love. And that regardless of what I have done or do in the future, I am a beloved child of God's and that He loves me. I tried to believe. Or, perhaps I tried to find reasons not to believe.

Recently, something has changed... 

Love... hope... joy... peace... trust... ?

I have these.

When I start to feel chaos, and read that one simple word... I truly do feel peace.

During those moments of sorrow, when tears flow openly, I know I am loved. I am willing to let these tears fall in front of others. I am willing to trust... to put myself out there.

My sorrow does not become a dark, deep pit of depression.

Even in moments of anger, I am able to forgive... including myself.

Abandonment, betrayal, hatred, worthlessness, defeated, broken... I see these all hiding around corners, barely even existent any longer. But they don't win anymore. And they know they've lost. They're just those old rags I haven't had time to toss away yet. For awhile, I kept 'em around for sentimental reasons... and because I figured they'd be back anyway. And, perhaps they will be. But I don't want to keep them around any longer. And if they do come back for a visit... it's ok. I know it'll be a very short one.

But how do I know this??? 

Faith, my friend. Faith.

And where does this faith come from?

Easy... I found the answer. I found the secret to happiness.

How many times have we heard "Jesus is the answer"? How many times have we told others this? And... how many times have we honestly, truly, believed it?

I didn't. In a way, perhaps, I believed it. I mean, Jesus is the answer in regards to our salvation. But... he's also the answer to our happiness here on earth.

In a comment to my latest post regarding 5 words I used to scorn (peace, love, trust, joy, hope), a friend of mine said that these words are "all found through Faith in God and Our Savior Jesus Christ. Sure, some or all can be found to some degree in someone without Christ in their life, but the depth and completeness of them are not even close to the same without that faith." (thank you +Joe Huguenard).

And that's when the anvil hit me in the head. 

All this time... all these years of believing... I hadn't really let Christ into my heart. I had cut myself off from love and trust so much that I'd even blocked God. I wouldn't let myself believe I was worthy of love. And, after a little poking and prodding and pushing to get me to take down a wall or two (or twelve)... I've come to realize that the friend of mine who said it's ok to love and trust was actually right. In fact, it seems, the more I let people in, the more I let Jesus in. The more I let Jesus in, the more hopeful I feel. The more I let myself love, the more I feel loved. And, all this love and trust and hope... I feel joy. I feel peace.

No, it's not always happy. There are still days of chaos and frustration and anger and fear and everything else that used to cloud my heart and mind and soul. But... they don't cloud my heart, mind or soul anymore. They're there. Of course they are. This is life. We will be sad. We will feel loss. We will get angry and annoyed. But they don't define me.

Not anymore.

Because I have found the answer... and oddly enough, it's as I've been told since the beginning - Jesus. Jesus is the answer.

5 Words I Usually Utter in Disdain

I've noticed a rather irritating trend from my Christian blogger friends recently... and even amongst my non-blogging (and sometimes non-Christian) friends. Everyone seems to be writing about 5 different words (or, some of these words at least).

Even worse... I've found myself writing about these concepts, and not with my usual disdain. These are 5 words that up until recently, I only understood on the surface, and even with that many of them did not truly apply to me or my life. Maybe, some, at times... but in general? These are the words happy people utter that cause me to scoff.

The words I usually ridicule, but recently find myself embracing... in no particular order...

Love
     Hope
          Joy
               Trust
                    Peace


Perhaps it's the season that has us all embracing such topics? Perhaps it's because these concepts are indeed alive and well in our lives (including my own... a concept which is rather frightening in itself). These 5 words are concepts many of us struggle with - especially during the holidays. Perhaps we lost loved ones. Perhaps we're in a position of feeling hopeless. Perhaps our lives are so chaotic right now, peace is merely a dream.

I find it so strange to consider that only a short time ago, each of these were dreams to me. Actually, they weren't even dreams. I'd given up dreaming many years ago. Yes, I did/do have love - I have a family whom I love dearly. But to show love and have love shown to me and to understand the whole  concept on a deeper level was foreign. It went along with trust - no one came into my heart. I didn't realize, I was even holding God at bay. But, I think that's what we do when we close ourselves off from others... as much as we may say we love and trust God, those doors are so locked up, we can't truly feel that love. We can't truly experience it.

When you can't experience the love of God... when you can't allow yourself to trust in Him, and at least a bit in the underlying goodness of mankind... you lose hope. It just isn't there. For me, I really hadn't even noticed this was absent from my life until I was knocked upside the head with the realization that so much more was absent. Without hope, or love, or trust... there is no joy either. No true joy anyway. This isn't to say there aren't moments of honest happiness. But, true living breathing joy? It flew out the window on the wings of hope. And when it's all gone... there can be no real peace. All of these, and I am certain there are more concepts which go along with them... they all play together. And when a couple of them are absent, they eventually all disappear.

While I will most likely touch on each of these more in depth in the days and weeks to come, for now, all I can say with the utmost certainty is that I am incredibly grateful that these concepts have found their way back into my life. Through the patience of a friend, and of God, these have been returned to me. Or, perhaps, they were there all along and this friend simply helped me find them again. Hmmm... something for me to think on...

My One Prayer This Season

Many years ago (about 20 or so) I wrote a poem... Never Trust, Never Cry. I held to this motto for years. Over 20 years to be honest. It wasn't until a good friend taught me that it's ok to trust people... it's ok to open up to others... it's ok to let them see me cry... that I started to go against the words of my poem. I went against my mantra.

Tonight, I wrote a post about crying in public - about how so many see those tears and walk away. To be honest, this is a pain that hurts more than holding those tears in. It's the reason I did hold those tears in for so long. But, this isn't about me. It isn't about those who walk away. It's about those who've stayed near. It's about the lessons I've learned from those who haven't walked away.

Thank you God. You have given me a family - not all born of the same blood, but all with more heart and love than I deserve or expected. You've given me sisters who have stayed by my side; brothers who have given me some of strongest and most heartfelt lessons. You've given me people who have loved me; and more importantly have taught me how to love others. I often over look the gifts You've bestowed upon me - I get selfish; get angry that my expectations aren't met. But You have given me so much more than my expectations.

My one prayer this season is that you give me the courage, strength, and love to not ignore another's tears. Give me the ability to recognize the pain and need in another's heart - to be the reflection of comfort you offer us all. Let my arms hold another as if they are Your arms. Let my words bring the peace and comfort only You can give. Let me never be the person to bring upon the pain and emptiness that is felt when someone sees tears and still walks away. Help me to love as You have loved.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

One Man, One Cross, One New Peace

2 Corinthians 1:2-7

2 Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Recently, at random moments throughout the day, I feel this burning sensation on my forehead. Not a painful burn... a tingling of sorts, a deep warmth. And I reach up to that spot in the middle of my forehead and catch myself tracing a cross with my thumb, as this is the shape of the burning. And as I do so, I feel a sudden comfort, and I feel very much not alone, and I feel like I am more than me.

It is such a difficult concept to try to explain. I have been trying to make sense of it in my own mind, and when this failed, I turned to this computer screen. But, I am finding it equally difficult to explain here. It is a feeling that cannot be described - it must be felt.

I first felt it months ago. I had been in distress, troubled and worried over family members who were suffering health problems. I sought spiritual guidance for the first time in my life, and during this time, one man (the one giving me this guidance I so desperately needed) made the symbol of a cross on my forehead. A couple months later, he did this again. Both times moved me more than words can describe. A few weeks ago, someone else did this as well. And it renewed that feeling. And now, I find myself doing this often and randomly. And I feel that peace and comfort fill me. And I know I am not alone.

All it took was one man, making one cross, to bring me a new peace I had never known before.
All it took was one man, dying on one cross, to bring us all a new peace. 

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” (1 Peter 2:24)

Spiritual High

A couple days into Lent, as I had already written a sermon a few nights in a row, I decided to keep it going - I would write a sermon every day during Lent. And, it has been a week (today marks the 7th day). Unfortunately, however, this is really not a sermon. But, since I'm writing it on my sermons blog, I'm going to consider it such.

So, why no sermon tonight? Well... the main reason is that while I am currently on a spiritual high, and even emotionally somewhat stable, I'm physically at a low point - I'm drained, and I believe I'm coming down with a cold. Last night I was in bed by 9:30... and sleeping by 9:33. Tonight, as soon as this post is done and my son is home from basketball, I will be going to bed early as well.

As I mentioned above, I'm on a spiritual high. The past 9 months have been a time of spiritual awakening for me... and a time of fighting this awakening. I would have an intense weekend when it came to religion/God/spirituality. I'd feel like God was talking to me, both in prayer, through other people, through signs, and simply through my heart and soul. I'd be confused by this, and curious, and elated. And scared half to death. God doesn't speak to people like me. God speaks to good people. He speaks to those who revel in his Word. He speaks to those who stand in front of congregations and preach his word. He speaks to those who have never denied him or turned from him. He speaks to those worthy of hearing him.

And this... this was not and is not me.

Fear would force me to fight these feelings of elation. Fear would cause me to lash out at those whom God was utilizing to speak to me. Fear and the general feeling of unworthiness. And I'd hit a spiritual low. And during fighting this high and living in this low, I would turn from him. I wouldn't try to be the person I knew I should be. I'd lock myself away within my walls, hidden from even my own emotions.

A couple days ago, after spending a weekend with some decent highs and pretty bad lows, I finally reached a point where I realized that in all I'd done to better myself spiritually... I'd never committed myself to God fully. Yes, I started going to church, and studying the Bible, and reading devotions. I started praying on occasion, depending on the situation and reason. I stopped hiding the fact that I'm a Christian and proud of it (much to the utter annoyance of family and friends).

But never once did I commit to God my lows as well. On a spiritual high, it's easy to go to Church, and read the Bible. It's easy to say a prayer of thanksgiving. But on a spiritual low? I hadn't handed my problems over to God. I hadn't prayed for him to please be with me during these times. I hadn't prayed for strength. While I had asked for forgiveness after sinning, I had never asked him for courage to resist temptation. Upon realizing all this, and during a low, I surrendered my troubles to the Lord. I committed to a life of serving him. And since this... I have been on a spiritual high. I have not hidden behind walls or closed doors or substances which act as walls. Those who have pushed me down, and still do - I do not let there actions keep me down. I do not let their actions and words dictate who I am.

Granted, it has only been two days... perhaps too early to be patting myself on the back. And yes, I do realize that there is a good chance this high will not last - I will slip, I will stumble, I will feel spiritual lows. But I am going to enjoy this high for as long as it lasts, and I will do what I can through devotions, prayer, scripture and service to keep this high to some degree (or, at least, a nice middle ground).

I am feeling a peace I do not remember ever feeling before, and I think I kinda like it...

Water

A couple weeks ago, a good friend lent me a book to read - "Traveling Mercies." Due to dwindling time-frames, I pushed aside a couple books given to me by other friends (Sorry David and Tim... I'll read your next. Promise!), and became immersed in this memoir which was flooded with spirituality. While I had to read it in parts (half yesterday, half this morning) because of it affecting me more than most books do, I was able to finish it today.

There is a part in there, near the end of the book, where the author (Anne Lamott) discusses the importance of water in Christianity. Or rather, about how Christianity is about water. "It's about surrender, giving in to all those things we can't control; it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched."

------

I stood under the water this morning, the steam circling around me, the hot shower flowing over me, around me, through me. I stared up into the stream, letting it wash over my face, my eyes. I cupped my hands, filling them with the lovely liquid, feeling it trickle from between my fingers; feeling it spilling over my flesh, washing over me.

As the water flowed over my cupped hands, spilling at my feet, I felt a sense of peace I haven't felt much as of late. A sense of sorrow mingled in the midst, but peace as well. Subconsciously, I reached up and traced the shape of a cross I could feel burning on my forehead. A tear or two mixed unnoticed with the heated drops from the shower. The burning cross on the forehead was not a painful burning - just one of warmth, and calm. But it did stir a painful sorrowful burn in my heart.

------

It was my birthday (29, for the 10th year in a row). The year had been rough, particularly the last few months. My life had been tough. And for the first time that I can recall in my life, I had reached out for help. We sat talking... a good friend and I.... and I think it was through frustration by him towards me - due to my ability to cast blame upon myself at all times - this friend finally figuratively dragged me to the front of the sanctuary, to the baptismal font.

It was there, at that time and on that day, I felt the water. I dipped my hand into the frigid water - frigid water which, while flowing through my fingers, brought me warmth. It was there, at that time and on that day, that he wet his finger with the water and placed a cross on my forehead. I was baptized as a baby, as most of us are, but this - on my 38th birthday - was the first time I truly felt the Holy Spirit with and within me.

------

Today, as I stood under that shower, my body and soul bared for God and none other, I felt Him again. I felt the water cleanse me, wash over me, renew my spirit, calm my aching heart.

""The hope, the belief, is that a new day is upon you now. A day when you are emboldened to take God at God's word about cleanness and protection. 'When thou passeth through the water, I will be with thee; and through the rivess, they shall not overflow thee'." (Traveling Mercies, Anne Lamott)