Repentance

“I’m sorry.”

I think I’ve said those words at least a few dozen times to family and friends just within the last week. And, I’ve meant them. And I was told “I forgive you.” But often times, while hearing “I forgive you” is much needed and comforting, it’s sometimes a difficult phrase to believe – especially when we know we’ve hurt someone else. How can we be forgiven by simply saying “I screwed up. I’m sorry.”?

We often feel as if we need to do something more than just say those words and mean them. We feel we need to make up for our mistakes. This is even true when we ask for forgiveness from God. We’re told we’re forgiven. And yet, that forgiveness is often difficult for us to believe in, or to hope for. All we did was simply repent.

And yet, that is the key. Repentance. When we repent – when we say that we are sorry, and truly mean it – we are not simply saying “oops, I screwed up” and then go about our lives making the same mistake without a second thought. We are instead changing – we are recognizing that our behavior or action was wrong, and that we should not do it again. Repentance changes us on the inside.

This of course isn’t to say that we won’t repeat the same mistake. And sometimes repeat it several times. But it does mean that we recognize our error and are trying to change that within ourselves, with the help of God. It means we are asking God not only to forgive us, but to help us change that behavior.

In the Gospel of Luke, we’re told that John is preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. This is the baptism we have all received. Through this baptism, we understand that we are forgiven for our sins, both past and future. We’re given hope through this baptism of repentance. And this hope is not only for us, but for our world.

This gospel reading continues on by quoting from Isaiah – “every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low. The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth. And all people will see God’s salvation.” This text paints a pretty picture in my mind, and yet it is so much more than just a winding road going over hills and valleys. It is so much more fantastic than that.

Through repentance and forgiveness – through us, with God’s help, changing our hearts and actions – we are given the hope that the proud will be humbled and the broken will be lifted up. The winding, crooked, rough ways of our world will be made straight and right.

When the Voices Won't Shut Up

All day, the voices rang out loud and clear. All day, they refused to be silenced. All day, they reminded me of who I am. And then, as soon as I sat down in front of this blank canvas, they hushed. They told me to be silent. They don't want the words they have been uttering to pour out onto this page. They don't want anyone to know the truths they want me to remember.

Last week's sermon was about the choices we make (and how they are not always such good choices). Today's MOPS meeting was about forgiving others, and forgiving ourselves, and about accepting the forgiveness of others. Oh such wonderful topics to discuss - topics the voices want to speak about, but want me to keep their secrets.

Choices. Oh yes, I have made some horrible choices. I chose to sit on his lap. I chose to not speak out. I chose to leave. I chose to go for that bike ride. I chose to make bad choices in my marriage. I chose to drink and smoke and otherwise try to hurt myself. I chose to add another brick to the wall, another layer of wall around myself.

How do you forgive yourself when you know you do not deserve such forgiveness? When you know that you have made such grave mistakes? When you know you have consistently hurt others? Instead, you add another brick, and take another drink, and wish the voices would leave you in the peace you do not deserve, for just a moment. Instead, you wish just once the voices would lie and tell you you're worthy of forgiveness and love.

Those outside your head tell you that you're already forgiven by God. But how? Why? You have done nothing to deserve such mercy. You have done nothing to deserve such love.

If man was created in God's image, doesn't it seem logical that God would react as man does? You reach out for help out of the darkness, and are turned away, told he has nothing to say to you. If created in God's image, and responding like this, would it not mean that this, too, would be God's response? Is this not confirmation of your unworthiness?

I cry tears I am not worthy of crying. The voices tell me I am not allowed to cry. I don't have that right. But I cannot stop them from falling. I plead for comfort which I have no right to ask for. I beg for peace in my mind, but the voices just yell louder. I pray for love and mercy, while knowing these concepts are not for me. If our God truly is loving and merciful, if His forgiveness and grace are for me, then why can I not believe it is true? Why can I not accept these gifts. Why can I not accept that regardless of my unworthiness, these gifts are still for me?

And why won't these voices just stop tormenting me? 

I'm Sorry for Saying I'm Sorry

I've had a few people tell me that I apologize way too often. Usually, when I'm told this, I apologize...

It's true though. I do say "I'm sorry" for a lot of things... and I mean it when I say it. I am sorry. And I do feel guilty for these things. So... what kind of things are we talking about?

I'm sorry...
When I interrupt someone's work
When I text someone too late at night
When I have an emotional meltdown
When I burn supper
When someone else burns supper because I was talking to that person
For causing the abuse I've been through
For causing the abuse my siblings suffered
For what I did to deserve being raped
For not being there for my brothers - a lack of action that caused them to commit suicide
... and the list goes on and on and on.

I actually read an article not too long ago which links this kind of guilt and shame to depression (though, they're not sure which causes which). But regardless of there being a link between the two, when I'm not as depressed, I recognize that many of these things I feel guilty about are not my fault (ok, texting someone at midnight is, but that's usually because I'm in a depression or having a meltdown). And I know it's stupid to feel guilt over things which were completely out of my control. And yet, I do.

Two Kinds of Guilt

I read an article earlier about how there are two kinds of guilt - the kind that we need to ask God to forgive (the stupid actions and things we do which are indeed our fault); and the kind that is actually Satan trying to set up a stronghold (or something to that affect). This second kind is Satan telling us it is our fault when it isn't; or telling us to keep holding on to the guilt of a sin we've already been forgiven for.

While most of what I read, I don't fully agree with (dang theology differences), that explanation of the two different kinds of guilt does make some sense. Whether the second one is actually Satan, or just our (my) own human stupidity, I don't know. But regardless, it is destructive. It pulls us from God. It makes us believe (and react to such belief) that we're not worthy of God's love and forgiveness.

We're Forgiven - Let it Go! (insert Let it Go soundtrack from Frozen here)

When I do something something (i.e. sinful), I do ask for forgiveness, and generally believe I am indeed forgiven. But it's these other things - the abuses of those close to me and to myself, the deaths of some loved ones - that I truly have a hard time believing I'm forgiven. Perhaps this is because I haven't forgiven myself. Perhaps a friend of mine was right in calling me narcissistic. Perhaps I do think that I'm better than others - or should be better than others - and therefore am unworthy of forgiveness. Perhaps I am self-centered and egotistical.

We're Supposed to Forgive Ourselves

bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.. (Colossians 3:13)

An interesting tidbit on this verse - the Greek word which has been translated to "each other" in this verse can also mean himself, herself, ourselves, yourselves (and more). So basically, "bearing with one another, and forgiving each other and yourself... just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."

I actually just learned this today. I mean, I know in theory we're supposed to forgives ourselves... and I have always known that it is biblical that we should forgive others always. I just didn't realize forgiving myself is also biblical.

So, with this new piece of knowledge (which, of course, i could be completely wrong about... but it does seem to make sense), I shall now end this post and go do some meditating/thinking/praying.

God bless!

The Lost Art of the Confessional

Before I begin, allow me to remind you that I'm Lutheran, and up until a few years ago, I really didn't have much to do with any church. Therefore, this post will not apply to everyone or make sense to everyone.

That said...

I recall visiting with a pastor a couple years ago regarding confession - whether or not it's something that we should do privately with a pastor or someone. And he explained how confession is important - both directly to God through prayer, and through the confession and forgiveness portion of service - but that anything more than that wasn't necessary (although there is nothing wrong with it, either). So, my only experience with private confession was generally through email to him - not in any professional confession and forgiveness format.

A couple weeks ago, particularly weighted down by a lot of stress, I went to speak to my pastor, and he asked if I'd want to do a private confession and forgiveness with him. Now, first, I didn't even know this existed (I don't generally read through the entire worship book/hymnal). And second, you want me to what? I agreed... but wow did I learn something. Confessing your sins to a pastor (or anyone for that matter) takes a whole lot of trust.

Let me interrupt my own babbling for a moment to explain a few things...

1) pastors/priests are not to divulge anything said to them in the confessional to anyone else; so there should be an inherent trust built in. However, I have trust issues with people, including (and perhaps especially) pastors.

2) I am not saying I distrust this particular pastor. If that were the case, I wouldn't have even been there speaking to him. But again, I have trust issues.

This entire experience pushed my trust to limits I was not used to. And it wasn't even anything major (i.e. no, I did not confess to killing anyone, or cheating, or anything like that). But regardless, it pushed my trust limits and opened up a whole new level of discomfort. And, it also opened up a whole new level of comfort and peace.

Will I do this again? Yes. And for those who've never had the experience of an individual confession and forgiveness - when you're feeling weighted down by your sin; when speaking directly to God through prayer doesn't seem to alleviate that weight; when you just really need to dump all that garbage off yourself; when you desperately need to hear that God does indeed forgive you - I recommend going to your pastor and requesting this.

God bless!

The Condemned House - Salvageable Relationships

Loving and trusting others leads to one common result - betrayal. Yes, I can pretty much guarantee everyone you let into your heart will, in one way or another, betray you (or, at the very least, will betray the expectations you've placed on them).

Tarnished Relationships

Have you ever been inside an old fixer-upper house? Nails partially stick out, or lay on the ground - rusted, bent. That's how many of our relationships are. They've been tarnished by betrayal - by lies, unmet expectations, cheating, hurtful words, gossip, broken trust, etc. Our friendships, family relationships, and romantic entanglements are all marred by these. No relationship is safe from these.

I don't mean for this to sound so pessimistic, and it doesn't need to be. Just because a betrayal or hurt happens, doesn't mean the relationship is over or even weaker. Sometimes, it's these betrayals (which are more often just misunderstandings) which challenge a relationship to grow. In fact, my guess would be that the strongest relationships are those which have had to ride out the the most, or some of the biggest, "betrayals" by both of those involved.

Forgiveness

I think we all recognize the importance of forgiveness. If not, allow me to quickly summarize here: Forgive!

Seriously, no matter what betrayal - no matter how big or bad - we must forgive the other person. It isn't just because God tells us we should. It isn't just because God always forgives us. And, it really isn't even for the peace of the person who hurt us. It's for our own well being. It's to strengthen the love and condition of our own hearts.

However... forgiveness does not mean giving that person another chance to hurt us. You can forgive a person, but still make the decision of whether or not to keep that person in your life. And, let's face it, some relationships are just simply not healthy.

Workable or Trash it?

How do we decide if the relationship is salvageable or if the nail is just too bent and rusted to be of any use within our heart?

1. Is the relationship physically abusive (or, any kind of abusive)
If the relationship is abusive, and the abusive person refuses counseling/change, the relationship cannot be salvaged. I completely understand giving someone a chance... but if you hear the words "I'm so sorry... I love you... I'll never do it again..." and he/she does it again? Forgive, and get out.

2. Is the relationship hurting your relationship with God?
If the wrongs done are tearing you from God, it might be time to forgive and walk away. If the relationship in general is pulling you from God, it is time to pray for guidance, and quite possibly time to walk away.

3. Is the relationship bringing the other person closer to God?
Perhaps, instead of pulling you from God, you're finding your influence to be a positive one on the other person. They're betraying, hurtful, abusive ways are stopping. I'd take this as a sign that perhaps you're right where you're supposed to be. Sometimes relationships aren't for our personal benefit - but for the health and well being of another of God's children.

I realize this is a very condensed list. And, I intended it this way. I had considered those relationships where trust is severely broken - perhaps by a cheating spouse, or a lying family member. But the truth is, even these relationships are fixable, if both parties want to fix it. This is how it is with most relationships..

Don't trash it too quickly!

Too often we see relationships tossed aside too quickly. Marriages only last a few years... or even a few months. We go through friends/significant others more often than we change our socks. It's just so much easier to toss that bent nail to the side than to hammer it out.

But tossing it aside is costly. All it does is keep us with weak relationships. The only way to build strong relationships is to weather out the storms together - to communicate, and apologize, and forgive, and move forward together. The only way to build strong relationships is to make a conscious decision to do these things... to keep to our promises and vows; to continue to love; to continue to forgive; to continue to build.

True - it won't always work. True - there are times when you will have to toss that bad nail out. But God doesn't just toss us out when we fail to meet His expectations. He doesn't give up on His relationship with us. We shouldn't be so eager to give up on others.

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies
The Condemned House - Supported by Love

You Can't Dust Yourself Off Until You Pick Yourself Up

Pick yourself up
Dust yourself off
Start over again

Have you ever tried to do these out of order? Say you've fallen into the dirt. You first dust yourself off... then you get up. Small problem - you're still dusty because, well, hello.... you were still sitting in the dust when you tried to dust yourself off. It just doesn't work to mix this order up.

This goes for many things in life.

Accept Christ as your Savior
Repent your sins to Christ
Follow Christ

You can't very well follow someone you don't accept. You can't repent to Him if you haven't accepted Him. It just doesn't work to mix up this order.

Now, these both seem relatively self-explanatory (although, many of us still try to mix 'em up).

But what about when it's something a little more convoluted. For example... someone betrays you (or, at least, you perceive it as a betrayal)... you forgive the person. But, you still don't accept what has happened, and you still blame God and/or are angry with God for allowing this betrayal....

This is out of order. It doesn't work. You claim to forgive the person... but then you get angry with God... and the next thing you know, you're angry again at the person. You haven't truly accepted the course of events, and therefore you're trying to dust yourself off while you're still sitting in the muck.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I find myself mixing up the order quite a bit. I find myself dusting myself off when I'm still sitting in the dirt. I find myself showering while sitting in a mud puddle. I find myself unsuccessfully draining myself emotionally because I'm trying to do things backwards.

For me, this is particularly true when someone I care about hurts me. I am hurt and angry, but I do care about the person and therefore forgive the person... before I have forgiven myself; before I have forgiven God; before I have asked God for forgiveness; before I have even laid the problem at God's feet and asked for His help.  All this does is keep the hurt and anger aimed at the original person... the dust is still there.

If you find yourself caught in a loop... unable to truly let go of something.... take a step back and take a good look. Are you trying to dust yourself off before you even pick yourself up?

Necessary Forgiveness - Unnecessary Repentance

So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. (Luke 17:3)

Put yourself back in time to when you were in grade school.... One of your best friends is about to have a birthday party. Her mom tells her she can invite one person to spend the night. You're so excited! You're going to stay up all night watching movies and eating junk food. And then you find out...

You aren't the one who's going to have that fun. Your "friend" invited someone else instead. She invited the girl she'd been friends with since she was 2... the girl who was her best friend. Not you.

Your feelings are hurt. You'd really thought she'd invite you instead. Of course, it makes sense why she didn't... but it still hurt. She never apologizes. Of course, she didn't really do anything wrong to apologize for. And yet, her lack of acknowledgment that she hurt your feelings starts to gnaw on you more and more with each passing day. Your hurt feelings turn to feelings of anger. You want to forgive her... but she hasn't repented. You want to forgive her... but she didn't do anything wrong.... at least, in her mind.

Soon, those feelings of anger turn to feelings of hatred and resentment. The mere mention of her name makes that hurt come rushing back. There is a part of you that wants to continue being friends with her, but your heart is so tarnished with hate because of this one incident that you find yourself unable to be a true friend. You find yourself wanting to hurt her back. You find yourself unable to forgive.

-----

Jesus says we are to forgive those who repent to us. He goes on in Luke 17 to say that if that same brother or sister sins against you seven times in one day... and seven times comes back to you and repents... forgive him every time. There is no question about this. Forgive!

But what about those times when your brother or sister does not repent, simply because he or she didn't truly do anything wrong. Yes, your feelings were hurt by their actions, but their actions were not wrong, and were not against you. There truly is no reason for them to repent - there is nothing to repent for. What then?

I think, for the most part, most of us as Christians are capable of forgiving. If I talk about you behind your back, then come and apologize, you forgive me. If you start a fight with me, then apologize, I forgive you. It's all quite easy. Now of course, this isn't to say forgiveness is always easy...there are some actions much more difficult to forgive... but the simple things, we can usually let go of.

But, what about that friend who moves to another state, abandoning you? He didn't honestly abandon you. He had to follow his own path. And yet, like the child who didn't invite you to the sleep over, this person's actions hurt your feelings. There was nothing truly for him to apologize for, and yet his lack of apology makes it difficult for you to forgive. And because you have not forgiven, those hurt feelings escalate, slowly eating away at you and at your ability to love this friend.

-----

This is a type of situation which I have a difficult time with. If I were to say "I forgive you", I'm telling you that you did something wrong. But you didn't. Yet, if I don't forgive you, my feelings of betrayal and abandonment grow into anger, resentment, and eventually hate. But if I do tell you I forgive you - thus saying you committed some evil act against me - you may get angry with me for thinking this way of you. But, honestly, how can I forgive you for something you are not sorry for doing? And so the entire situation remains unresolved.

-----

But, setting aside the chasing of my own tail... forgiveness should not be conditional. It should not be dependent upon someone saying "I'm sorry." It's something each of us must make the conscious decision to do whenever someone does something wrong against us - whether this wrong is intentional or not; whether it's real or perceived. Forgiveness should come from the heart, and will help save the heart.

Don't wait for that friend to apologize for not inviting you to the sleepover... don't wait for her to apologize for something she did that hurt your feelings but in itself was not a wrong action.

When you don't forgive, hurt can quickly turn to hate. And hate can quickly destroy any potential beauty and love a friendship can produce. So, forgive. No matter what, no matter how often, forgive. And, while you're at it - forgive yourself for allowing that hurt to turn to hate...

"Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it." (unknown)

You Are More

 

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

 

 The full lyrics to this song can be found after my rambling... but I had to post the chorus right away, simply because of its importance. 

I've heard this song a few times in the past, and I've liked it since I heard it, but it was just one of many songs I like. But this morning, I found it rather interesting that I awoke with the lyrics playing over and over in my head.

 

Last night/this morning, I had a short email conversation with a very wonderful and patient friend. And, it was essentially in regards to this song. Well, actually, it was about the subject matter of this song, although unrealized at the moment. We were discussing sin. We were discussing the stupid decision people make. And how God loves us regardless of the stupid mistakes. Well... he was discussing how God loves us regardless. I was, as per usual, attempting to argue with him.

It always seems we have at least one mistake we're destined to repeat over and over again. Maybe it's drinking. Cursing. Porn. Gambling. Sex. Stealing. Pushing people away. The list goes on. We are all sinners. And we all have our vices.... some more serious than others. And some of us are just determined to continue screwing up. 

And, some of us slip into feeling we've "fallen too far to love." How can anyone love us for the mistakes we continuously make? How can God continue to love us? 

I highly suggest everyone not only listen to the lyrics, but also watch the video for this song. What would your chalkboard say? How full of words and sins and fears would it be? About 3 minutes into the song, watch what happens to that chalkboard. That's how it is for us. This is what was given to us because of Jesus' sacrifice. Because God gave His Son. All those sins... washed away. And we continue to be beloved children of God because of this. 

Some days, it truly is almost impossible to believe this. It's difficult to believe that no matter how many times we mess up... no matter how many things we do which cause us shame and hurt those around us... we have not fallen too far to love. We are not defined by the choices and mistakes we've made. 

 

 

You are More

 

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you built,
But what He built to forgive you,
And what He built to make you know.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

I Forgive You - I Just Hope You Get Hit By a Bus...

 

Several months ago, I was talking to a friend about some of the things I went through as a child. During this conversation, I said that I forgave my step-mother for what she did. I believe my exact words were, "I forgive her for what she did.... I mean, I hope she gets hit by a bus, but I do forgive her." This friend, of course, had to point out the lack of consistency in my words. Apparently, you can't wish injury or death on someone but still claim to forgive them. 

So, I rephrased. "I wouldn't be hurt or upset if she got hit by a bus, but I do forgive her." 

Granted, this still isn't "right" of me. But it is true. I have forgiven her, and others, for things I was put through. But just because I forgive them, doesn't mean their actions were good or right, or that they're excusable. And it definitely doesn't mean that there will ever be a relationship there in the future. 

And, I must point out, that just because I forgave her, doesn't mean I have forgiven everything she did. I try. But, there was a lot. There were many different events, and times and hurtful things. I forgave the physical abuse I received. I forgave the emotional abuse I received. I struggle daily with forgiving her for the abuse my siblings endured - especially knowing it directly led to the suicide of two of my brothers. And, I struggle with some very simple things as well - she through away a shirt and a stuffed animal of mine... both which had very sentimental value to me. Oddly, I have had a hard time forgiving her for these little things (both objects were all I had left of two very special people in my life... one a great-uncle, the other a close childhood friend).

But, I keep forgiving. Sometimes, I have to "reforgive". Not sure that's really a word.. or an action... but there are times when I know I have forgiven her, but the next day, I'll suddenly be angry with her again. I had made peace with it, but a television show, or a picture, or something, will stir it up again. And I find myself in prayer and forgiving her yet again. We're told in the Bible that the number of times we should forgive someone is 7 times 70. I think she's past that amount. But, I will continue. This is the same with my father, although, with him there is a bit more anger, and a bit more love, and forgiveness doesn't come as quickly or easily.

Why should we forgive?

Because God said so. 

Ok, yeah, not a good enough reason for me either. 

So... look at it this way... how many times have you sinned? Just take within the last day. Too hard to count? How about within the last hour? How many of those times has God forgiven you for? How many of those sins did Jesus give his own life for so you could be forgiven? 

Don't ya think you owe it to God to forgive that person who stole your lunch money, or tripped you in the hall, or talked behind your back? God keeps forgiving you... and me... I think it's the least we can do to follow Him by forgiving those who wrong us. 

And hey, it really does make you feel freer... happier... less weighted down... when you forgive. So it's a win-win-win. 

Trying To Be Nice(r)

There aren't too many people I dislike/hate in this world... but, unfortunately, there are some. Recently, I've been trying to be more forgiving and accepting of these people. But... I don't always succeed.

Last night, as I was making supper, I was talking to my 15 year old daughter, and we were discussing a man whom, a year or two ago, had gotten physically rough with my daughter.

Me - "Aahhh!!! [he] is such an ass!"
Realizing what I said, I looked up towards heaven...
Me - "Sorry God."
My daughter gave me a confused look, unaware of my attempts at changing my attitude.
Me - "I'm trying to be a nicer person."
Daughter - "Yeah, not working so well..."
Me - "I'm doing pretty well. It's just a few people. He's an ass..."
We got off the topic of this person, and somehow ended up onto the topic of one other person who gets me a bit angry every time I see her/hear her name...
Me - "Oh my God [she] is such a bitch!"
I paused, dropping my shoulders and looking up towards heaven yet again...
Me - "Sorry..."
At this point, my daughter shakes her head and looks up to heaven also...
Daughter - "Hey God... she's not too good at this. Give her a chance... she'll figure it out..."

I never realized just how difficult it can be at times to be nice. In general, I am very nice to people. But, as I said above, there are some people... they just rub me the wrong way. Pretty much all these people I have issues with are people who have that "I'm better than you" attitude. I hate that attitude. I despise anyone who not only thinks, but also acts, as if they are better than someone else. And, this isn't right of me. I know this.

We should be forgiving of people, regardless of their attitudes and actions. We should be loving and caring of these people. But some people make this so incredibly difficult.

Are there certain people you have trouble being nice to? Do you have people you have a hard time praying for and caring for?

Dear Lord,
As my daughter told you yesterday... I'm not too good at this. Please give me a chance - the strength and generosity of heart I need to figure it out.
Amen

Contemplation

Today marks the first day of Lent. If you're anything like me, you probably have never paid much attention to this season. You may know the traditional practices. You may recognize your church has an additional service once a week (generally on Wednesdays). But do you really take the time to embrace what this season means? I never have before. I've heard of some of my Catholic friends abstaining from meat on Fridays. I've known some of my friends whom have given something up for the 40 days (46 when you add in Sundays) of Lent. But what's the point and purpose of it?

Lent is a season for contemplation, for repentance, for prayer, for spiritual discipline. It is a time when we reflect on Jesus - on his suffering and sacrifice for us. Quite often, this time of repentance and spiritual discipline takes the role of giving up something, and using the time which would have been spent on that activity in quiet prayer and contemplation. Most people tend to follow the "hey look! I gave up this for Lent!" And, that's as far as it goes. But you must take that a step further. In fact, you really don't even have to give something up (in my opinion, and from what I understand) - but you do need to do the second part for it to have any meaning. You must take time for prayer, devotion, contemplation, or some sort of service towards God. Maybe this is taking 15 minutes a day to read the Bible. Or just to pray. Something that will help move you closer to God and will help you recognize and understand and accept the wonderful gift we were given through the suffering and sacrifice of Jesus. This gift was given without our deserving it. It was given to us out of the grace and love of our Lord.

We are all broken. And God understood this, and still understands this. He doesn't want us to wait to come to him until we are fixed (something which has taken me a long time to understand and accept). I recently read a very good short article which I highly recommend everyone takes the time to read. "From the Journal" basically tells us that God doesn't want us to wait until we're perfect, or until we have a perfect understanding of Him. He wants us to come to him now. Lent is the time for this.... It is the time for repentance, for self-examination and reflection.

So what can we give up during the Lent season to help bring us closer to God? This can be anything. Some fast, giving up a meal each day and spending that time in prayer instead. Others prefer to give up candy, soda, cigarettes, etc to help purify their bodies. For some, it is the act of giving up television at least one day a week and using this time to read scripture, or to go outside and enjoy God's creation.

There are many other ideas out there. Simply think of something you do - something which pulls your time away from God, or keeps you from living a healthy lifestyle of which God has intended - and cut that out of your life for just a day a week, or every day of Lent. Fill that time with activities which will bring you closer to God - prayer, scripture, church, service, Bible study, or simple quiet contemplation.

Want to know where to start with Scripture reading? The book of Matthew seems to be a good place to start. Or, read a Psalm a day. I like the Psalms - they make good prayers when you're unable to come up with one on your own. On that note... let us use Psalm 51 as a prayer for this night:



Psalm 51:1-17
1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.

4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgment.

5 Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me.

6 You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.

14 Deliver me from bloodshed, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.

15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.

17 The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Confession

I think it's rather safe to say we've all done "bad" things in our lives... the only difference is the actual acts, and the wrongness of such acts. A couple weeks ago, I asked a friend of mine if he felt confession is necessary. Now, in the question, I wasn't simply asking about confessing sins to God through prayer - I've read enough Bible text to know that according to Christianity, confession of our sins is needed. But it was also to ask if it is a necessity to voice these transgressions to someone other than God.

His response was one which made sense... and one of which I found it necessary to follow. Originally, Martin Luther had stated there were three sacraments - one of which was confession. This was later changed by him that confession was no longer considered a sacrament. However, it is still necessary. Most of the time, confessing to God through prayer is enough. But even to that degree, it must be done. You have to give name to these sins, otherwise they will have power over you. You're an alcoholic? Give name to it to remove it's power over you. You use people for personal gain, without concern of their well-being? Give name to it to remove it's power over you.

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper,    but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)

 But, not always is confessing to God enough. There are times we need that "human" experience... someone who is acting as God, as a mediator to him. I've spoke of this before - that sometimes we need to truly feel someone's arms around us to know God is holding us close; that we sometimes need to feel someone placing a cross with holy water on our forehead to feel the Holy Spirit within us. In the same way, sometimes we need to speak outright to someone to know that God has heard us. And sometimes we desperately need to hear "You're forgiven" to know that God has forgiven us.

But what if you do choose to voice these bad acts to a priest/pastor/another of God's servants. And what if these acts are so disturbing and disgusting. And this person you've confessed to cannot say the words "You're forgiven." What then? Are there some evils God does not forgive? Are there some evils which should not be forgiven?

Sold Her Soul...?

The young girl lay in her bed, burying the tears. She let the blood slide down her chin, not bothering to wipe it. Bruises covered her ribs, legs, chest, face. They didn't usually get her face too. Those would show tomorrow at school. She looked at herself in the mirror, then picked up the Bible that lay on her dressing table. With a curse, she threw the book across the room. Anger was quickly filling her, replacing the self-pity she'd been feeling for years - since her father married and began obeying this creature. She'd once thought the woman pure evil - but after years of God turning his back on her and her family, not bothering to try to rid the world of this evil - she realized that perhaps she had it wrong. She heard one of her siblings cry, looked upward, and cursed God. And then she prayed - to Satan. She offered her soul for her siblings to escape this hell. For her to escape it....

So is it possible for one person to sell their soul to Satan? And if they do, is there any way to get out of that contract? Can they ever be forgiven and received back into God's arms?

I found one article with a list of 10 people whom have supposedly sold their souls to Satan. These individuals did so for more money and power and prestige. And, I'm sure there are many more like this. I am also certain there are many like the young girl in the story above.

I have researched this topic quite a bit - and have read a lot that says that yes, God will forgive someone for entering into this contract, so long as he/she repents. However...
"And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come." (Matthew 12:32)
One would think that selling their own soul to the devil is to speak out against the Holy Spirit. One is essentially denouncing the Holy Spirit, and it doesn't matter the reasons behind that denunciation. It is unforgivable.

Going by this reasoning, it would make sense why a young child, entering into a contract without thought or consideration, would spend the rest of her life being tormented and tortured - although, one would have assumed Satan would have lived up to his end of the contract. Can there ever be peace, or love, or a life free from pain and suffering for her? Is there any point in even trying?

The Unforgivable Sin

 Monday, September 10th, marks the world's observance of Suicide Prevention Day. To be honest, I wasn't even fully aware suicide had a day - although, it does make sense considering everything else (cancer, diabetes, child abuse, etc) has it's own day. And, it isn't a bad thing to do this. Why? Because it helps raise awareness, and awareness is incredibly important when it comes to suicide - being aware of the signs, being aware of the pain that comes from this one act, it's all necessary.

I find this topic to be a very difficult one to give a sermon on (which may be why I'm rambling right now). There are several aspects which could be spoken about - the signs someone is suicidal, the feelings those left behind go through, whether or not suicide is an unforgivable sin. But I find I am uncertain of where to start and how to answer the questions many people have regarding this topic. So, I will start with a story...

This story involves some young children... a five year old boy and four year old girl. They were neighbors, and played together all the time. They were going to get married - he'd be a farmer, she a ballerina. They even had arguments about this, because he didn't see how their career choices could meld together. He was a wonderful young child... a little on the serious side, slow to anger but when he did he didn't forget, and he had an imagination like no other. And dark brooding eyes like no other. And a sensitive, loving heart. When he was a few years older, he would spend hours reading to his sister when she was bed-ridden with a back injury.

The five year old boy had a baby brother - the youngest in the family. This newborn was often taken care of by his older sister. She would sing him to sleep, rock him, read to him. As he grew up, his personality became more evident - he was a happy child, goofy, funny, and ever so loving. Even at seven years old, he still wanted his sister to sing or read him to sleep. 

The girl was a wonderful young girl. She loved playing outside with her "boyfriend", and with his siblings. Her siblings would often join them also. She had beautiful haunting eyes - the kind you can't forget.

Both families were broken. There were issues within the homes that were meant to stay within the walls of those homes. No one spoke of the nightmares - no one, except the children to each other, in hushed voices. 

Fast forward several years - to when the young girl was 15 years old. She'd since been separated from the other family, living several states away. They found the young girl one day hanging from a tree, dead.

Fast forward a few more years - to when her "boyfriend" was 20 years old. He was still living with his parents, unable to escape. They found the young man Thanksgiving morning hanging from the rod in his closet.

Fast forward a few more years - to when his brother was 24 years old. He'd gotten mixed up in drugs and drinking. They found this young man one day hanging from the rod in his closet.

Three young lives intertwined - sharing childhood pain, more love than can ever be realized, and similar deaths.

The two boys were my brothers. The young lady was my brother's best friend, and someone I used to babysit when I was younger.

They say that suicide is one of the more difficult types of death to deal with for family and friends because of the questions of "Why!?" They say there is usually anger aimed at the person who took his/her own life. I think this is one reason I have a difficult time discussing this topic - I never truly experienced those questions or emotions. I never questioned why these three young kids ended their lives - I understood it completely. I never have been angry at them for their acts - how can I be angry at them for something I had wanted to do, and tried on many occasions? I wish they hadn't taken the path they did, but I understand why they did, and I love them regardless.

But where I get hung up is on the subject of suicide being the "unforgivable sin." I've heard this many times - actually had someone tell me this right after I learned of my first brother's death. While I understand the logic behind this theory, I disagree with it. Yes, it is a sin - it's murder after all. And yes, our bodies are God's temple and should not be destroyed.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 - Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.

I believe the concept that it is unforgivable is due to Catholic (perhaps other religions also) belief that you must confess your sins to be forgive and gain access to heaven. Someone who commits suicide does not have the ability to confess the sin of murder, and is therefore denied forgiveness and access.

But first of all - I'm willing to bet there isn't a single person whom has died with having confessed every sin. Maybe he thought evil thoughts for a brief moment about the stupid driver of the other vehicle - just a second before the other vehicle hit his, killing him immediately. Maybe she had a heart attack and died just hours after committing adultery.

Second, and more importantly, God is a forgiving God. He is supposed to be loving and merciful. A loving, merciful God would not condemn a person who felt there was no way out of their own personal hell. These people didn't truly know God's love, despite a church upbringing. They had only grown to know a God who abandoned them (in their minds).

Perhaps it is only wishful, hopeful thinking, but I truly believe that these three young people are sitting in heaven right now, watching over their families, and taking care of each other.