Cannot Yet Quiet My Soul

I remember looking down at my babies as they slept quietly, contently, in my arms. There was almost a tangible trust and peacefulness there - a calm that can never be truly expressed with words. I often found (and still find) myself wondering if I ever had that same quiet trust.

Somewhere, at some point in time, the harshness of the world invaded my soul. There was no quiet. There was no peace. There was no quiet trust in parents, or in God. I saw God in the same light I saw my parents - uncaring, abusive, cruel, chaotic.

As I matured (ok, so perhaps "matured" isn't the right word, as I am still quite immature) and was mentored (just within the last couple years) I began to separate God from my parents. I began to understand Him as loving, nurturing, trustworthy. But this did not change my chaotic soul. I start to find some calm and then the harshness of the world sweeps in like a violent tornado, taking me with it.

Tonight, in Bible study, we read the story of Jesus with Martha and Mary, where Mary sits quietly at Jesus feet, listening to Him whilst Martha scurries about busy with everything she felt needed to be done. The past few weeks, I have been Martha. I've been worrying about everything happening, and everything needing to be done. I haven't allowed myself to simply sit at Jesus feet and listen. I haven't given myself a chance to focus on God, and on allowing Him to bring me comfort and peace.

I am still trying to learn how to remain calm in the storm; how to trust God through the turmoil; how keep my soul at peace in the midst of the world's screams.

I am still in need of someone telling me "Peace, Brandi, Peace"... someone reminding me to breath and be calm and let myself feel the peace of Christ.

Psalm 131:2 (NRSV)

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

Perhaps, some day, I'll get there... Although, I must admit, for a moment I felt that quiet tonight. A very brief moment, but a moment all the same.

May the peace of Christ be with you all...

Satisfaction

Psalm 63:1-8

1 O God, you are my God, I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

3 Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.

4 So I will bless you as long as I live; I will lift up my hands and call on your name.

5 My soul is satisfied as with a rich feast, and my mouth praises you with joyful lips

6 when I think of you on my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

7 for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.

8 My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

In reading this psalm, I was instantly (and ashamedly) pulled away from where my thoughts should have lay. This psalm is about the satisfaction in ones soul... a satisfaction which can only be achieved when filled with God. And yet I was immediately drawn to thoughts of worldly satisfaction... or, more specifically, satisfactions of the flesh.

Many of us, as we stumble in the darkness, feeling empty and not quite having found God... (I'll explain this in a moment)... we try to find other things to fill that void. Now then, allow my to back up briefly... when I say "not quite having found God" - many of us claim to be believers, and of course some do not believe, but either way, most of us do not have a relationship with God. We believe in him..... and.... that's as far as it goes. And even at that, it's usually something only thought about when specifically asked "Do you believe in God?" So, while we may think we have found God, we haven't really.

So now I get back to my original statement...

Many of us, as we stumble in the darkness, feeling empty and not quite having found God... we try to find other things to fill that void we feel in our soul. We all want to feel some sort of satisfaction, completeness. Some people find this in material belongings - in things, in money. Some people find this in power. And many of us find this in "love". Or rather, in what we tend to believe is love, but is often little more than a temporary, physical, fleeting, fractured moment of self-indulgent pseudo-love.

We claim to have found our soul-mate (how many people have you said "we're soul mates" to?). We may even tell this other person we love them with all our heart and soul. We offer so many people our heart and soul. And most often, this is just a lie. Not always an intended one - we often truly believe what we think we feel. But it's very much a surface love. We entangle ourselves in another life, and in their arms, in a need to fill a part of ourselves that it seems can never be filled. We use sex, and love, to temporarily fill this void. And what's sad - it isn't even temporarily filling the void - it's masking it. It's like taking a pain killer to "cure" a broken leg. The leg is still broke... you just don't feel it. Well, your soul still has a void. You just not recognize it when you're in someone's arms.

Please don't misunderstand - there is true love felt between people. There is a true love between real friends. There is a true and complete love between spouses (theoretically anyway). There is a deep unbreakable love between a parent and child. But there is also a specific place within our souls which is meant for that unconditional, unending, undeniable love and glory of God. And it is only meant for this. Trying to fill it with anything else will not work. Maybe you'll find a temporarily pseudo-satisfaction, but nothing more than that.

Open up your heart and soul to God. Allow yourself to have a deep relationship with him. Let him satisfy your soul as only he truly can. Allow your soul to cling to him, and his hand to uphold you.

Invictus

"It matters not how strait the gate,  
  How charged with punishments the scroll,  
I am the master of my fate:  
  I am the captain of my soul."
(Invictus - William Ernest Henley)

I was eighteen years old, admitted to fourth floor of St. John's hospital. My roommate was a beautiful artist, and I - a poet. Together, we made designed posters for everyone's doors... posters that described the residents and offered a little inspiration to each of them. But the most important poster we made had very little in the way of artwork, was not my own writing, and had copies made for each of the girls on the floor. This poster was quite simply the last stanza of Invictus. These were the words we lived by. They gave us hope, and motivation.

I remember one day when my pastor was visiting me, he saw one of these posters and asked about it. I explained it's importance. He couldn't understand - he didn't agree with the writing. We were wrong to cling to something so petty and silly and senseless.  It went against God and faith.

Fourth floor was the psychiatric floor of the hospital. This is where the "crazy" kids went. I was admitted against my will for depression, suicide and runaway. Most of the other girls were also in there for these reasons. I was the oldest at 18, and should have been put in the adult ward, but they felt I would get along better with the teenagers. They were probably right. The youngest there at the time was only 13. And she looked up to me. I never fully knew her story... we would offer only enough during group discussions to keep the nurse from hounding us, but never shared our complete stories. Anyone who's been through certain things knows better than to share these stories with strangers... or with anyone who could use the information to hurt you. But, I knew her dad had been raping and beating her. That truth was being screamed from her very core. Of course, not everyone could hear it. But I could. And some of the other girls could. And thus Invictus became important.

Invictus held a truth to us. Regardless of what my pastor had told me, Invictus did incorporate God and faith, but with a security attached. For an abused child, God was seen as either non-existent, or worse, someone whom had abandoned us. But at the same time, we felt an unbelievable need to pray, and to seek comfort and wisdom and salvation. But to admit this was a sign of weakness. Weakness was not allowed. Invictus was this prayer, this comfort, but without any weakness attached.

"It matters not how strait the gate" - Matthew 7:13-14 mentions this strait (narrow) gate: 13 “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy[a] that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. 14 For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

So yes, we had been forced through this narrow gate - this way of torment and obstacles and difficulty. But this does not matter. We can survive it.

"How charged with punishments the scroll" - this is believed to refer to the "list of sins" God keeps on all of us. Basically, all the wrongs we've committed in this lifetime.

"I am the master of my fate - I am the captain of my soul." - this is the part my pastor had the most issue with. God is supposed to be the master of our fates and the captain of our souls. But to us, when used in conjunction with the rest of the stanza, these two lines were a source of strength.

The whole thing together meant... no matter what hardships we must go through, no matter how much we've stumbled and done wrong, we can survive. We can get through it. And no MAN (or woman) will EVER control our soul or determine our fate. This will be determined and controlled by the strength within us.

Perhaps this strength came from our belief in God. Most often, it did. At least to a degree. But even if God is/was the source of strength, there is also a personal responsibility implied through these words. One issue I have with people that I have stated time and again is that they lack personal responsibility. They go to Church on Sunday, and sin the rest of the week, without even attempting to be a "good" Christian. If you follow the last two lines of Invictus, it is up to each of us to be the master and captain - we are in charge of the day to day decisions we make of whether or not to sin. And we are responsible for "how charged with punishments the scroll."

I still cling to these words, 20 years later. No, they do not come from God or the Bible. But there is a truth within them - a truth which does not have to defy God or religion, but can strengthen it.While at times I stumble in my belief, the poem to me means that God gives us strength so that no matter how much life sucks, we can make it through; and no matter what people throw at us, we still have the strength within us to make the right decisions.

Sold Her Soul...?

The young girl lay in her bed, burying the tears. She let the blood slide down her chin, not bothering to wipe it. Bruises covered her ribs, legs, chest, face. They didn't usually get her face too. Those would show tomorrow at school. She looked at herself in the mirror, then picked up the Bible that lay on her dressing table. With a curse, she threw the book across the room. Anger was quickly filling her, replacing the self-pity she'd been feeling for years - since her father married and began obeying this creature. She'd once thought the woman pure evil - but after years of God turning his back on her and her family, not bothering to try to rid the world of this evil - she realized that perhaps she had it wrong. She heard one of her siblings cry, looked upward, and cursed God. And then she prayed - to Satan. She offered her soul for her siblings to escape this hell. For her to escape it....

So is it possible for one person to sell their soul to Satan? And if they do, is there any way to get out of that contract? Can they ever be forgiven and received back into God's arms?

I found one article with a list of 10 people whom have supposedly sold their souls to Satan. These individuals did so for more money and power and prestige. And, I'm sure there are many more like this. I am also certain there are many like the young girl in the story above.

I have researched this topic quite a bit - and have read a lot that says that yes, God will forgive someone for entering into this contract, so long as he/she repents. However...
"And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come." (Matthew 12:32)
One would think that selling their own soul to the devil is to speak out against the Holy Spirit. One is essentially denouncing the Holy Spirit, and it doesn't matter the reasons behind that denunciation. It is unforgivable.

Going by this reasoning, it would make sense why a young child, entering into a contract without thought or consideration, would spend the rest of her life being tormented and tortured - although, one would have assumed Satan would have lived up to his end of the contract. Can there ever be peace, or love, or a life free from pain and suffering for her? Is there any point in even trying?

Questions

I'm quite certain many people are wondering a) why I am keeping up with this blog; b) where on earth I get off preaching; c) if I really know what I'm talking about or if I'm just sputtering out a bunch of bull; and d) well, I'm not sure what "d" is, but I'm sure there is one.

Anyway, this post isn't a sermon, but rather a chance for me to answer the above questions, and pose a few questions of my own.

A) I started this blog for fun because of a challenge aimed in my direction. I am keeping it up because I'm enjoying the challenge, and because I am finding it educational. It's also a very good writing exercise.

B) I have been preached at by everyone from pastors to parents to strangers who think they have the right to tell me I'm a horrible person for things I have done. If they can do it, so can I. Besides, I am enjoying it. I would even try to get my own little cult going, but my Twin has already started this, and I can't take it away from him.

C) I'm just sputtering out a bunch of bull. And it's great fun. I will point out, however, that I do believe the bull I'm sputtering.

Ok, those questions answers, now allow me to ask a few of my own. These are questions I have often considered and thought about. I have my own answers, but am curious what others think...

1) Is suicide an unforgivable sin? I've heard it is, and heard the reasons. But, I find it difficult to believe that God would send someone to hell whom was simply trying to escape such a hell

2) How are we to believe the Bible as a true and accurate account of God if the Roman Catholics left out so many books?

3) If a child promises their soul to the devil in exchange for peace, are they then soulless? Is there any hope?

4) Well, I'm sure there is a "4" somewhere, but my brain is quickly shutting down tonight.