Cannot Yet Quiet My Soul

I remember looking down at my babies as they slept quietly, contently, in my arms. There was almost a tangible trust and peacefulness there - a calm that can never be truly expressed with words. I often found (and still find) myself wondering if I ever had that same quiet trust.

Somewhere, at some point in time, the harshness of the world invaded my soul. There was no quiet. There was no peace. There was no quiet trust in parents, or in God. I saw God in the same light I saw my parents - uncaring, abusive, cruel, chaotic.

As I matured (ok, so perhaps "matured" isn't the right word, as I am still quite immature) and was mentored (just within the last couple years) I began to separate God from my parents. I began to understand Him as loving, nurturing, trustworthy. But this did not change my chaotic soul. I start to find some calm and then the harshness of the world sweeps in like a violent tornado, taking me with it.

Tonight, in Bible study, we read the story of Jesus with Martha and Mary, where Mary sits quietly at Jesus feet, listening to Him whilst Martha scurries about busy with everything she felt needed to be done. The past few weeks, I have been Martha. I've been worrying about everything happening, and everything needing to be done. I haven't allowed myself to simply sit at Jesus feet and listen. I haven't given myself a chance to focus on God, and on allowing Him to bring me comfort and peace.

I am still trying to learn how to remain calm in the storm; how to trust God through the turmoil; how keep my soul at peace in the midst of the world's screams.

I am still in need of someone telling me "Peace, Brandi, Peace"... someone reminding me to breath and be calm and let myself feel the peace of Christ.

Psalm 131:2 (NRSV)

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

Perhaps, some day, I'll get there... Although, I must admit, for a moment I felt that quiet tonight. A very brief moment, but a moment all the same.

May the peace of Christ be with you all...