Cannot Yet Quiet My Soul

I remember looking down at my babies as they slept quietly, contently, in my arms. There was almost a tangible trust and peacefulness there - a calm that can never be truly expressed with words. I often found (and still find) myself wondering if I ever had that same quiet trust.

Somewhere, at some point in time, the harshness of the world invaded my soul. There was no quiet. There was no peace. There was no quiet trust in parents, or in God. I saw God in the same light I saw my parents - uncaring, abusive, cruel, chaotic.

As I matured (ok, so perhaps "matured" isn't the right word, as I am still quite immature) and was mentored (just within the last couple years) I began to separate God from my parents. I began to understand Him as loving, nurturing, trustworthy. But this did not change my chaotic soul. I start to find some calm and then the harshness of the world sweeps in like a violent tornado, taking me with it.

Tonight, in Bible study, we read the story of Jesus with Martha and Mary, where Mary sits quietly at Jesus feet, listening to Him whilst Martha scurries about busy with everything she felt needed to be done. The past few weeks, I have been Martha. I've been worrying about everything happening, and everything needing to be done. I haven't allowed myself to simply sit at Jesus feet and listen. I haven't given myself a chance to focus on God, and on allowing Him to bring me comfort and peace.

I am still trying to learn how to remain calm in the storm; how to trust God through the turmoil; how keep my soul at peace in the midst of the world's screams.

I am still in need of someone telling me "Peace, Brandi, Peace"... someone reminding me to breath and be calm and let myself feel the peace of Christ.

Psalm 131:2 (NRSV)

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

Perhaps, some day, I'll get there... Although, I must admit, for a moment I felt that quiet tonight. A very brief moment, but a moment all the same.

May the peace of Christ be with you all...

Unable to Focus

I would like to ask you all to please be patient with me tonight. I have spent the better part of the night out of focus. Or, unable to focus for any amount of time. The image above is one I create a few years ago when I was in one such mood. So many images and ideas flashing through my mind. I am unable to grab hold of any one of them for any amount of time.

Sometimes, I feel like much of this past year has been this way.

But, today, these images and ideas have occasionally paused, allowing me small moments of clarity. Small moments of recognition. Small moments where I have stopped fighting and heard God speak to me. But - this doesn't mean these words will hold any form of clarity to my readers (and perhaps, not even to myself when I look back on them). Therefore, I beg your understanding if my words appear nothing more than meaningless ramblings...

When I learned to trust God, and through Him, trust man (or, perhaps this happened in the opposite way. I'm still uncertain) it is something that just happened. I did not set aside my black candles and smut books and lustfilled thoughts and consciously allow my mind to utter "I am going to trust you now, God. I am going to trust in your servant now, Lord." No. I did not make the decision. It just happened.

Upon realizing what happened, I fought Him (and him). And this created chaos. This created my mind to battle itself. It caused my heart to spin in turmoil.

But from this trust, I subconsciously stopped fighting. My heart and mind unwittingly accepted that what will happen, will happen. And the colors again came into focus and into order. And all was well.

"If you truly are a follower of Christ, you will turn from sin."
"If you truly are saved, you will live a Christ-like lifestyle."
"if you truly are...."
And God... oh how I knew God was also speaking to me, in addition to all these utterances from well meaning people. 

But no! This means I am not. I do not. Me? What? Why? Where do I go? What do I do? I forced my focus onto studying God. Studying the Bible. Studying theologians and theologies and doctrines. My spirit emptied. My heart cried. My head spun out of control. I could no longer focus. Nothing was right. Nothing felt right.

I couldn't hear God speaking anymore.

Was He done with me? Had I angered Him with my bouncing between believing, loving and trusting and fighting those beliefs and love and trust?  Had I pushed too hard? Had I pushed God away?

I realized something today...

When I force myself to be of this earth - my heart, mind and soul go into turmoil. I cannot focus on any one idea or image or task.

When I force myself to be of God - my heart, mind and soul go into turmoil. I cannot focus on any one idea or image or task.

When I allow myself to be me - the person I have been and the person God is making me - my heart, mind and soul thrive. I can focus on whatever it is I am being asked to do. I can feel the Holy Spirit once again leading me.

----

Why is this? It makes sense that if I try to force myself to be the old, unchanged me, I am going to feel this turmoil. But why would the opposite also be true?

Because I am doing what I think God wants of me. I'm not doing what He wants of me. I'm assuming I know God. I'm assuming I understand His plan for me.

When I release myself from that thought process, when I stop trying to think and speak for God, I can hear Him so much clearer.

When I stop trying to assume I know God, I am better able to truly understand.

I Don't Want the Voices Back...?

 I have talked and joked and gone on and on about the voices in my head on several occasions. What I find rather funny is that most people don't believe me when I say I have  voices in  my head. They figure I'm just being me... strange, weird, intentionally crazy. And yes, I will admit that when I say I have 156 voices in my head - this is an exaggeration and I am just joking around.

But, I do have voices. Or, at least, I did.

This wasn't the crazy "killlll himmmm" voices you see on TV. Just voices. These voices argued, yelled, complained. They'd talk me out of being stupid. Or into being stupid. Or more often would just argue with each other and I'd sit there unable to make a decision either way as to whether or not to be stupid. They kept me company when I was lonely, and went silent when they were angry with me. They fueled my ability to write. They fueled my ability to keep people at arm's length. They kept me safe and secure, locked behind thick walls. When I didn't want someone to know the "real" me (which was pretty much always), the voices took over. They protected me.

Or, so I thought.

The past several months, I have been slowly changing, transforming. And I've been fighting this change. Why fight it? Well, for several reasons. Change is evil to begin with (I really am not one to embrace change unless I know without a doubt that it is to my advantage and that things I know and feel secure in will not change). But also, I didn't want to lose the voices. This has always been my biggest fear. If the voices are gone - I won't be able to write. I won't be protected. I will get hurt. 

I could write for hours about my voices... they truly mean (meant) that much to me.

But, they're disappearing.

The past couple weeks, I've noticed a change. It didn't really dawn on me until Easter Sunday what a big part of that change was. The voices were gone. They weren't just silenced - they were gone. I know when they're silent... I can still feel them. But I can't anymore. And I should be frightened. In fact, I am frightened about the fact that I am not frightened.

Why are the voices gone? Where did they go? I'm not sure. I do know that for several months now, God has been working within me, transforming me, guiding me back to the path that leads to Him. With a patient heart and gentle soul, God has been helping to cleanse me of my old self, allowing me to be reborn as a child of God. And with this transformation has come an unusual peace. A silence of heart and mind and soul. A removal of the chaos which usually afflicts me. A quiet joy which surrounds me, envelops me, embraces me.

 I have never seen the voices as a weakness before. They were, in my mind, a strength. And to be honest, I do still believe this. They served as a strength when I needed them. They served as a strength until I was in a place of acceptance and understanding... until I had the patient guidance of God's servant... until I was ready to release my weaknesses to God. They served as a strength until I was ready to accept the Lord as my strength.

 And what is truly strange to me... I tried early to explain this to someone, but it's quite a difficult thing to put into words. Without the voices... in the midst of recognizing this transformation... I'm feeling...

I feel lost, but found at the same time. 
I feel uncomfortable with the silence, but in a comfortable way (comfortably uncomfortable?).
I'm a little anxious, but in a relaxed way (peacefully anxious?).

This is all so strange and new and exciting and yet feels as if it's meant to be, and is right, and has always been.



Thank you God -
For walking beside me and guiding me. For sending someone with incredible patience and faith to be your ears and voice and hands in guiding me. For silencing the voices, but only when I was ready to accept this silence. For blessing me in so many ways.

I am your beloved child, and your servant. Help me to continue this transformation, and to be those guiding hands for someone else who is as I was.

In Jesus' name, Amen