When the Voices Won't Shut Up

All day, the voices rang out loud and clear. All day, they refused to be silenced. All day, they reminded me of who I am. And then, as soon as I sat down in front of this blank canvas, they hushed. They told me to be silent. They don't want the words they have been uttering to pour out onto this page. They don't want anyone to know the truths they want me to remember.

Last week's sermon was about the choices we make (and how they are not always such good choices). Today's MOPS meeting was about forgiving others, and forgiving ourselves, and about accepting the forgiveness of others. Oh such wonderful topics to discuss - topics the voices want to speak about, but want me to keep their secrets.

Choices. Oh yes, I have made some horrible choices. I chose to sit on his lap. I chose to not speak out. I chose to leave. I chose to go for that bike ride. I chose to make bad choices in my marriage. I chose to drink and smoke and otherwise try to hurt myself. I chose to add another brick to the wall, another layer of wall around myself.

How do you forgive yourself when you know you do not deserve such forgiveness? When you know that you have made such grave mistakes? When you know you have consistently hurt others? Instead, you add another brick, and take another drink, and wish the voices would leave you in the peace you do not deserve, for just a moment. Instead, you wish just once the voices would lie and tell you you're worthy of forgiveness and love.

Those outside your head tell you that you're already forgiven by God. But how? Why? You have done nothing to deserve such mercy. You have done nothing to deserve such love.

If man was created in God's image, doesn't it seem logical that God would react as man does? You reach out for help out of the darkness, and are turned away, told he has nothing to say to you. If created in God's image, and responding like this, would it not mean that this, too, would be God's response? Is this not confirmation of your unworthiness?

I cry tears I am not worthy of crying. The voices tell me I am not allowed to cry. I don't have that right. But I cannot stop them from falling. I plead for comfort which I have no right to ask for. I beg for peace in my mind, but the voices just yell louder. I pray for love and mercy, while knowing these concepts are not for me. If our God truly is loving and merciful, if His forgiveness and grace are for me, then why can I not believe it is true? Why can I not accept these gifts. Why can I not accept that regardless of my unworthiness, these gifts are still for me?

And why won't these voices just stop tormenting me? 

The Three (+100) Voices We Hear

This is so stupid. Why are we bothering with this?
Because it's important?
Why? Who really gives a shit?
Just shut up and...
I want a drink
Of course you do. You're a drunk
uh hello nimrod, you're me
Will you please just...
yeah yeah, shut up
Exactly
(silence)
...Oh c'mon, you know I wasn't serious
Maybe we should email him again.
No, maybe we should leave him alone
Why
Why not?
Stop guys! We need to figure this out!
Blah blah, emotionally detached
Blah blah, hyper-sensitive
emotionally immature
We don't care
I care
Stop trying to be an individual.
Stop telling me what to do
Think he actually cares?
...please tell me you're kidding??
Why?
Why not?
Knock it off! You guys are impossible
...improba...
Now's not the time 

-------------------

I Hear Voices:

This was an actual conversation that went on in my head just a few moments ago. It actually involved a few more voices, but it's hard to recall what all is said and in what order when they're all talking over each other. But regardless of how many are speaking, it's a common occurrence. In fact, it's pretty much 24/7.Yes, they may quiet down from time to time, but for the most part, it's so loud up there, I can't hear myself think.

While this may all be entertaining from time to time, there is one very annoying downfall - it's really difficult to hear God talking.

I read once that we all hear three voices whispering (and sometimes screaming) at us: God's voice, satan's voice, and our own. With the exception of the 100 voices whispering in my head, I can agree with this. But how do we know which voice is speaking?

God's Voice: 

In my experience, as humans, we always want to assume the other two voices are God's. I mean, wouldn't it be nice to think the voice telling us we're justified in smacking a moron upside the head is something God is telling us?

The easiest way to know if it's His voice - does what is being said match up with Scripture? From studying the Gospel, we know God wouldn't give us permission to smack people around. There's that whole "turn the other cheek" thing. So, voice doesn't match Scripture, therefore safe bet the voice doesn't belong to God. The more we delve into God's Word - reading it and studying it - the easier it is for us to ascertain if it's God's voice we hear.

Satan's Voice:

This one is the one we often like to believe just might be God. But, Satan's voice is pretty easy to differentiate. It's the opposite of God's. It doesn't line up with Scripture. It sounds nice...tempting... and we need to learn to ignore that voice.

My Voice: 

I, me, my, mine, myself...

Notice a common theme, there? Yup, yup... that voice is the selfish one. It's the fleshy, lusty, covetous voice. It's the one that wants what I want (whether or not it's mine to have), and is only looking out for me. It's self-gratifying, and not really caring who gets knocked over in the process.

And, quite often, this voice must be ignored.

How to know which is speaking... 

As I pointed out earlier, our best test as to which voice is speaking is to compare what is being said to what is found in Scripture. If it goes against God, it's not Him.

Pray, pray and pray some more! The more we engage in conversations with God, the easier it is to distinguish His voice.

Ask yourself:
Am I being told to do something that will hurt others?
Am I doing something that hurts myself or my relationship with God? 
Does it glorify God?
Does it go against Scripture?

Hold onto those things which glorify God and bring you closer to Him.
Ignore those things which harm you, others, or your relationship with God.

And those other 100 voices that just won't shut up? Well, if anyone has any ideas, I'm quite willing to listen...

God bless!

Demoniac (pt 3) - The Reality

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (James 4:7)

If you haven't read the first two parts to this series:
Demoniac (pt 1) - The Condition
Demoniac (pt 2) - The Salvation

In the story of the demoniac of Decapolis, it is quite evident that this man had indeed been possessed by demons. Jesus cast those demons out, sending them into pigs (who thus went and killed themselves by running off a cliff).

But what about me, or those like me? What about those with the chaotic mind and the voices and the cutting, screaming, scratching, self-destructive tendencies? Was I truly possessed? Is anyone ever truly possessed by something demonic?

First, let me say that I do believe completely in demonic possession. I believe it is rare in the sense that not everyone with a mental illness has a true demonic possession - but the extent of this rarity, I wouldn't even fathom a guess.

This said, I do believe that those like me - or, as I used to be - are not possessed, but they are definitely influenced. As I stated in Demoniac (pt 2) - The Salvation: We open ourselves up to chaos every time we sin. We're basically opening a door and saying - "Come on in, Satan! Make yourself at home!"

And the more we do this - the more comfortable we become with sin - the more influence Satan has over our life. We become addicted to the sin... to the influence... to the darkness. We may recognize that what we're doing and how we're living is wrong, or at the very least that it's unhealthy. But we get to the point where we no longer remember any other way. There is no more light - no more memory of such light. At this point, we are possessed to some degree. No - we don't have a demon living within us in a physical sense, but spiritually? Spiritually, Satan has taken root in our heart.

And Satan likes it there. So long as we allow Satan to have such a strong influence over our lives - over our thoughts and actions and emotions - we are, essentially, possessed; and there is, essentially, no room for God to live within us.

We must do as James 4:7 says - "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." We must learn to open the door to God rather than to Satan. By giving love to others, by praising and praying to our Lord, by accepting the never-ending gift of Grace and Love and Faith God bestows upon us - these open the door to the light and cause the darkness to flee. These open the door to our Lord - to true peace and love - and slam the door in the face of chaos and hate.

Demoniac (pt 2) - The Salvation

Mark 5:10-20 (NIV)

10 And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.

11 A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. 12 The demons begged Jesus, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.” 13 He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.

14 Those tending the pigs ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. 15 When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. 16 Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man—and told about the pigs as well. 17 Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.

18 As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. 19 Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” 20 So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed.

-----

One strange day, after over 20 years of growing chaos and insanity, I experienced peace. True peace... not the dark peace I'd lived with for so many years. This peace didn't come with compromise... I didn't have to scar my flesh or give anything. With one small water-made cross, I felt the light. And I felt both frightened and relieved. And for a while after this, the voices quieted. I thought they were gone. I began to feel comfort in the peace and light.

But the moment my guard was down and weakness set in - the moment the events the voices warned about came true - those voices were back. They had told me I'd always be abandoned by everyone but them. They had said no one would ever truly care. And the second those truths came to light again... the voices were back with the once comforting blanket of darkness.

And they were angry.

Chaos consumed. Anger, hatred, pain, destruction - it was all back with a vengeance. This time I began to recognize it for what it was - something evil residing within me. But even with this recognition, I found it so easy to slip back into that habit of allowing them to win. Those who had brought the light peace to me - I fought. I hated. I attacked. And yet, it wasn't me. Part of me that had been awakened by the light still lived - and tried to fight. Tried to love. Tried to plead. But whatever scratched and clawed and screamed within me recognized the good - the light - and a battle ensued. A vicious battle of light and dark, of chaos and peace, of good and evil, of me and the voices.

-----

Just as the demons within the demoniac, the voices within me recognized God's light. And they did not want to be sent into an abyss. But they were - for now - I think. They weren't quieted so quickly as Jesus was able to free the demonic, but I have been freed. The voices have been silenced.

I wonder - yes, the freed man spread the news of what Jesus did for him, but did he worry as I do? There still resides within me a fear that the voices are still there... that they're hiding deep within, just waiting for me to be weak again. Just waiting for the world to prove them right again. Did this man feel this same way?

-----

I asked in the first part of this (Demoniac - The Condition) if "selfishness and sin breed insanity" or if the reverse is true. This is difficult to say. For me, my insanity started at such a young age... caused by years of abuse. But, I did open the door. When God did not answer my prayers to be saved from my tormentors, I pleaded with anyone to save me. Was this a sin? Yes, I suppose it was. I may have only been 12 or 13 at the time, but I knew I was opening a door best left closed. I didn't know the consequences... but I knew it was wrong. So perhaps yes, it was my own selfishness and sin which bred my insanity.

We open ourselves up to chaos every time we sin. We're basically opening a door and saying - "Come on in, Satan! Make yourself at home!" The opposite is also true - every time we open our hearts to others, helping them in the name of God, we open the door for our Lord. Every time we pray and develop our faith with God, we open the door to the light.

I don't believe the devil and the Lord can both live within us... this is why when we're overcome with our own demons and voices screaming and clawing within us, prayer and patience and faith in God can chase those demons out. It can silence those cries. It can heal those scars.

So what does this all mean? What's the reality in today's world in regards to demonic possession? Demoniac (pt 3) - The Reality

Demoniac (pt 1) - The Condition

Mark 5:1-9 (NIV)

5 They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. 2 When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him. 3 This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. 4 For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. 5 Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.

6 When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7 He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name don’t torture me!” 8 For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!”

9 Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”

“My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.”

----- 

Imagine sitting alone in your room, nothing too exciting going on. It's just a typical day. And then suddenly you're overcome with feelings of worthlessness. Voices shriek and whisper within your mind. They remind you that they're all you have. No one else cares. No one else will listen to your cries. You've been abandoned by all but those voices.

These voices slowly take over - you know you don't belong there with them. Your skin crawls. You feel trapped within yourself. Your heart starts pounding - fear? anger? Something screams within. You claw at your own flesh, dragging your fingernails down your arms. You can't stop it. You can't control it. It isn't enough.

You find a shard of glass, or a razor, and repeat the motions. They're slow and deliberate at times, your mind almost smiling at the pain being inflicted on yourself. Sometimes the moves are more urgent, more necessary, and they still aren't enough.

You're claustrophobic in your own flesh, scratching and clawing your way out of your coffin - your own skin.  You have been abandoned by all who should care. You know any love and light within you is either extinguished or boxed up tight and hidden far from your own reaches.

-----

In Mark, Chapter 5, we have the story of a man who was possessed by many demons. Alone in the tombs, he would cry out and cut himself. When I first read this story, I pictured someone more beast than man. But, the more I read it, the more I saw the beast within me.

I imagine what I described at the beginning of this post is only a small percentage of how the Gerasene Demoniac must have felt.  But it was enough for me. I remember being a teenager and having these over-dramatic, uncontrollable feelings. I remember watching the blade slowly cut through my flesh. I remember smiling and finally feeling a dark peace with the voices. It calmed them... quieted them.

As I got older, I found other ways to appease the voices. I allowed hatred and sin to consume me... anything to quiet the whispers, even for just a moment.

I used to joke about having 157 voices in my head. But was it really a joke? Many believed so, and I let them. Perhaps 157 was a bit of an exaggeration, but most days - it seemed to be at least that many. They all had opinions and plans for me. And none of them good.

And the more I tried to break free, the louder they screamed and the more they clawed at me. I could feel them ripping me apart within my heart, my soul, my mind. And the only way to stop them was to join them. The only way to make it not so painful was to align myself with them and follow their orders.

-----

I read a book - Broken Chains by Doug Batchelor - in which he says "we are all born with the seeds of insanity." He goes on to say "selfishness and sin breed insanity." While I do agree we are all capable of insanity, I am not certain I agree that selfishness and sin are the cause. could it be they are, instead, the result?

Continue reading the second part of this topic as we explore these possibilities: Demoniac - The Salvation

I Hear You - But What Are You Saying!?

I really haven't changed much. Not in the last year... the last 10 years... the last 20. I still cuss like a sailor. I still enjoy a shot of whiskey a little too much. I still feel that anger and hatred in my heart. I still hate myself. I still push people away, and cause them pain.

But, my family thinks I've lost my marbles. They think I've changed. I go to church. I write Christian-based blog posts. I speak to and of pastors with appreciation rather than disdain.

So which is it? Have I truly changed?

Interesting question. I don't know. In some ways, yes. In some ways, no. In some ways, I'm trying not to... and yet the voice within my soul - or perhaps just speaking to my soul - is getting louder.

I've felt it rather than heard it for nearly a year now. It started last May. I remember exactly when and where I first noticed it. At the time, I didn't fully recognize it for what it was. And, I still don't understand fully what it is. I just know it is getting louder. But, I can't understand what this voice is telling me.

I do know this voice is God. After almost 11 months, I have finally come to understand and accept this. But I don't know what He wants from me. I do know He wants me writing.  How do I know this? Because all my life I have been a writer. I have been propelled to paper or computer by a deep-seated need within my head. It is how I have always made sense of the chaos living up there. But this... these posts I've been writing for the past 11 months (or, most of them anyway)... these have been brought forth by something else. The need to write hasn't been coming from my head.

But why? What does God want from me? I hear Him... but what is He saying? Where is He leading me?

I'm trying not to focus on it so much. Not to worry on it. God will take me where He wants to take me. But... I do focus. I do worry. I don't like surprises in my life. I don't like change - especially of the unexpected, unplanned kind. I want to know what is happening and when and especially why. Oh yes, definitely want to know why.

And so I get frustrated. And confused. And my brain takes over (the crazy chaotic one... not the rational (yeah, like I have a rational side) one).

Have you ever walked through a haunted house... or even just a dark creepy alley... and you just know there is going to be something around the corner waiting to jump out at you? You tense. Your senses are all on overload, to the point where any little whisper of the wind has you looking around? That's kind of how I'm feeling... just, not the fear part of that scenario. Just the hyper-intense anxiousness, and the curiosity that makes us keep walking.

How does one know truly what God is calling them to do? I know He wants me for something more, but I can't understand him. Can anyone answer this? And please... while I do realize "pray" is the most likely answer to "how can I know what He's calling me to do"... I'm looking for just a little bit more...


Speaking of being called by God.... stay tuned for another post tonight...

I Don't Want the Voices Back...?

 I have talked and joked and gone on and on about the voices in my head on several occasions. What I find rather funny is that most people don't believe me when I say I have  voices in  my head. They figure I'm just being me... strange, weird, intentionally crazy. And yes, I will admit that when I say I have 156 voices in my head - this is an exaggeration and I am just joking around.

But, I do have voices. Or, at least, I did.

This wasn't the crazy "killlll himmmm" voices you see on TV. Just voices. These voices argued, yelled, complained. They'd talk me out of being stupid. Or into being stupid. Or more often would just argue with each other and I'd sit there unable to make a decision either way as to whether or not to be stupid. They kept me company when I was lonely, and went silent when they were angry with me. They fueled my ability to write. They fueled my ability to keep people at arm's length. They kept me safe and secure, locked behind thick walls. When I didn't want someone to know the "real" me (which was pretty much always), the voices took over. They protected me.

Or, so I thought.

The past several months, I have been slowly changing, transforming. And I've been fighting this change. Why fight it? Well, for several reasons. Change is evil to begin with (I really am not one to embrace change unless I know without a doubt that it is to my advantage and that things I know and feel secure in will not change). But also, I didn't want to lose the voices. This has always been my biggest fear. If the voices are gone - I won't be able to write. I won't be protected. I will get hurt. 

I could write for hours about my voices... they truly mean (meant) that much to me.

But, they're disappearing.

The past couple weeks, I've noticed a change. It didn't really dawn on me until Easter Sunday what a big part of that change was. The voices were gone. They weren't just silenced - they were gone. I know when they're silent... I can still feel them. But I can't anymore. And I should be frightened. In fact, I am frightened about the fact that I am not frightened.

Why are the voices gone? Where did they go? I'm not sure. I do know that for several months now, God has been working within me, transforming me, guiding me back to the path that leads to Him. With a patient heart and gentle soul, God has been helping to cleanse me of my old self, allowing me to be reborn as a child of God. And with this transformation has come an unusual peace. A silence of heart and mind and soul. A removal of the chaos which usually afflicts me. A quiet joy which surrounds me, envelops me, embraces me.

 I have never seen the voices as a weakness before. They were, in my mind, a strength. And to be honest, I do still believe this. They served as a strength when I needed them. They served as a strength until I was in a place of acceptance and understanding... until I had the patient guidance of God's servant... until I was ready to release my weaknesses to God. They served as a strength until I was ready to accept the Lord as my strength.

 And what is truly strange to me... I tried early to explain this to someone, but it's quite a difficult thing to put into words. Without the voices... in the midst of recognizing this transformation... I'm feeling...

I feel lost, but found at the same time. 
I feel uncomfortable with the silence, but in a comfortable way (comfortably uncomfortable?).
I'm a little anxious, but in a relaxed way (peacefully anxious?).

This is all so strange and new and exciting and yet feels as if it's meant to be, and is right, and has always been.



Thank you God -
For walking beside me and guiding me. For sending someone with incredible patience and faith to be your ears and voice and hands in guiding me. For silencing the voices, but only when I was ready to accept this silence. For blessing me in so many ways.

I am your beloved child, and your servant. Help me to continue this transformation, and to be those guiding hands for someone else who is as I was.

In Jesus' name, Amen