Into Me See (Intimacy)

NOTE: This really isn't a sermon, but I didn't know where else to post it. I originally wrote it on the 18th or 19th of June, but didn't want to post until the rest of the articles in the series were completed. But, this one has been sitting as a draft in my post list for too long and it's annoying me, and I have been too busy to write the rest of the set, so I'm posting it now. So... without further ado... let's read about intimacy...

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Intimacy is something we all, as humans, long for. We need it to feel complete. We often actively seek it out. But what exactly is it? 

What is Intimacy? 

If you're like most people, you would probably answer that question with something like romance and/or sex. And, this isn't exactly wrong. But it isn't complete either. First - let me state that it is not sex. Yes, sex and intimacy can be linked - but it is possible to have sex without intimacy. And, it is also possible to have intimacy without sex.

That said, let's get back to defining intimacy. I found one definition that broke the word down to "Into Me See". What does this mean? I found one source online that described it quite nicely:

“Intimacy isn’t strictly about romantic relationships, or even relations with family — sometimes it happens quickly, and often times in ways we hardly notice.
I’m talking about that moment when someone allows the world to see what’s inside… what they are really about. It’s about seeing someone for who and what they are and that the glimpse was offered either voluntarily or without the person’s knowledge. This is an incredible moment where our existence suddenly makes sense and all comes together in a singular place.
For those of you who have experienced this, it’s something that never gets lost in memory or time. It’s like a little mirror we take out every now and then to remember a time when something so complex became so inconceivably simple. It’s pretty incredible.” Hugh MacLeod http://www.gapingvoidart.com/gallery/soul/

Another definition I found (which I'm paraphrasing since I can't remember the exact wording or the site I found it on):

Intimacy is feeling safe in being vulnerable with someone; it's about being truly seen.

And, intimacy comes in several different forms. In researching this topic, I found that many sources didn't fully agree on how many different types of intimacy there are. One even had it broke down into 16 different types. But, most of the sites agreed on the following five:

Intellectual

Intellectual intimacy is when two people are able to share their thoughts and ideas with each other openly and comfortably. It's about being able to safely express your thoughts on life, where you'd like to travel, what your favorite book is and why. It's about enjoying and accepting the thoughts of each other, whether you agree or disagree on the topic at hand. It's letting another person see the real you in regards to your thoughts.

Emotional

Emotional intimacy is when two people are able to openly and comfortably share their feelings with each other. It's when they can empathize with the other person's feelings. It's trying to understand and be aware of the other person's emotions. It's feeling safe being vulnerable with that person.

Experiential

Experiential intimacy is where two people involve themselves in activities with each other - going for walks, watching movies, painting a house side by side. There doesn't need to be any talking or touching involved - it's just an enjoyment and comfort of being able to share experiences together.

Spiritual

Spiritual intimacy is when two people are able to safely tell each other about their own spirituality. There doesn't have to be an agreement on what their spiritual beliefs are (i.e. one friend can be agnostic or atheist and the other Christian), but there is an understanding and an ability to comfortably discuss the topic with each other. It's also about being able to share spiritual things together where there is an agreement... such as praying together, or attending church together.

Physical

Physical/sexual intimacy is the most common thing we think of when it comes to intimacy. This is the intimacy where we display our affection for another person in physical activities including sex itself, but can also be cuddling, kissing, touching, etc. As with all the other intimacies, there is a comfort and safety in allowing yourself to be vulnerable; there is an understanding of what the other wants and needs.

Intimacy in Marriage

A healthy, strong marriage will often have some degree of intimacy in each of the 5 categories above. And, it's beneficial to try to strengthen each of these categories. A marriage that only has a strong physical intimacy, and lacks the other 4, may not last long... just as a marriage that only has a strong experiential intimacy probably won't last (it's great that you two can both comfortably share in the experience of taking walks together... but if there isn't any trust/closeness emotionally, or ability to discuss your thoughts with each other, those walks are eventually going to grow stagnant).

Intimacy in a Platonic Relationship

Intimacy in platonic relationships doesn't have the physical (or, at least, the sexual) aspect. But they can have any of the others. One site I stumbled on tonight stated it better than I can:

Intimacy is a concept not exclusive to romance. I think it's also a potential descriptor of high-wattage interactions, feelings, and trust between two platonic friends....

...Here's one possible sign of intimacy: When you're with this friend, does your best and most natural self come out? Does being the person you want to be become effortless? 

Intimacy in friendships is one of those things that you can get along fine without but miss once you've experienced it. Most people I know who maintain deep, intimate friendships value these relationships more highly than their ever-growing list of weak ties. Peak human experiences seem to happen in conjunction with intimate, soul-nourishing relationships. 

http://casnocha.com/2009/01/how-friendships-evolve-over-time-and-the-quest-for-platonic-intimacy.html

So Much More to Say

The topic of intimacy really isn't something that can be fully completed or understood in one blog post. This is going to end up being a series of posts (how many, at this point, I am uncertain). This one simply touched on the definition of intimacy. Next, we will discuss the definition and different types of love, and how they interact with intimacy. And, there will be a third, discussing the importance of understanding these differences and how they look in our real life.

The Lost Art of the Confessional

Before I begin, allow me to remind you that I'm Lutheran, and up until a few years ago, I really didn't have much to do with any church. Therefore, this post will not apply to everyone or make sense to everyone.

That said...

I recall visiting with a pastor a couple years ago regarding confession - whether or not it's something that we should do privately with a pastor or someone. And he explained how confession is important - both directly to God through prayer, and through the confession and forgiveness portion of service - but that anything more than that wasn't necessary (although there is nothing wrong with it, either). So, my only experience with private confession was generally through email to him - not in any professional confession and forgiveness format.

A couple weeks ago, particularly weighted down by a lot of stress, I went to speak to my pastor, and he asked if I'd want to do a private confession and forgiveness with him. Now, first, I didn't even know this existed (I don't generally read through the entire worship book/hymnal). And second, you want me to what? I agreed... but wow did I learn something. Confessing your sins to a pastor (or anyone for that matter) takes a whole lot of trust.

Let me interrupt my own babbling for a moment to explain a few things...

1) pastors/priests are not to divulge anything said to them in the confessional to anyone else; so there should be an inherent trust built in. However, I have trust issues with people, including (and perhaps especially) pastors.

2) I am not saying I distrust this particular pastor. If that were the case, I wouldn't have even been there speaking to him. But again, I have trust issues.

This entire experience pushed my trust to limits I was not used to. And it wasn't even anything major (i.e. no, I did not confess to killing anyone, or cheating, or anything like that). But regardless, it pushed my trust limits and opened up a whole new level of discomfort. And, it also opened up a whole new level of comfort and peace.

Will I do this again? Yes. And for those who've never had the experience of an individual confession and forgiveness - when you're feeling weighted down by your sin; when speaking directly to God through prayer doesn't seem to alleviate that weight; when you just really need to dump all that garbage off yourself; when you desperately need to hear that God does indeed forgive you - I recommend going to your pastor and requesting this.

God bless!

Current Issues with Past Belief in the Wrong God

http://amorous-inc.deviantart.com/art/Vengeful-God-317479299

I grew up believing in god. This god was one of vengeance. If I didn't believe in him, I was going to hell. If I didn't follow the 10 Commandments, I was going to hell. If I didn't believe or follow these Commandments, I would live in hell here and now. He would punish me. I suffered abuse because I was not worthy of anything better. I was raped as a consequence of my sins. I lost friends because of my inability to prove I was truly sorry for my sins. Disasters happened as a way of punishing me and others who were sinners. I was taught to pray for forgiveness, and for the repentance and subsequent healing of others, but never to pray for myself - for my own health or well-being. To pray in this way was sinful. And this god did not answer such sinful prayers, nor would he ever even bother to answer my prayers, because I was such a horrible child.

The concept of a God who loved me and held me close, despite my sins? A God who listened to the prayers of a sinful child? A God who did not cause disaster and illness and abuse, but rather comforted those who were affected by these things? This was all foreign. This was, as I was told quite often, a false God. God was vengeful and to be feared. He was not this false God of love and comfort and hope.

Current Issues with Past Belief in the Wrong God

I have learned a great deal in the past few years - the biggest lesson being that I was believing in and worshiping the wrong god. And, this has caused many questions and issues and fighting against and disbelief and confusion...

If you're taught for 30+ years that your depression is your own fault as a punishment of your sins; or that your family is going through health issues because you're a sinner; or that natural disaster has affected you or those you love because you're not worthy of God's protection - you're going to believe it. And changing that thought process is going to cause upheaval in your own mind and heart. If you're taught for 30+ years that you're unworthy of God's love, and unworthy of anyone else' love, and will never be loved, you're going to believe it. Changing that thought process is a painstaking task of rewiring the brain.

Obstacles Caused, Questions Raised, and Can We Truly Move on from the Brainwashing? 

But, even if you can move beyond that, there are many other obstacles - particularly when it comes to Christianity.

I hear all the time, "just give your troubles to God"... "trust in God"... "pick up your cross and follow Him"... "Run to God, not from Him"... and the list goes on.

But what does any of this mean? How do you simply "give your troubles to God"? Especially when part of you still believes He gave those problems to you? How do you simply "trust in God"? How do you run to Him when you're nothing but a lowly sinner? How do you pray for your own well-being when you know you do not deserve anything?

I have, at times, asked these questions to others. The response is generally one of confusion. "You just do." But I would truly love to understand what it means... what it looks like... how you do it.

People will teach you about this loving God, but they do not teach you how to overcome that brainwashing or how you lay it all at God's feet. They don't answer the question, "but isn't that selfish/sinful?"

Or maybe there are no answers, and I was believing in the right god all along.
Ah yes, confusion clutters the mind today.

They Knew that They were Naked

Do you know what it's like to be naked? I mean really naked - not the kind of naked that has us without clothing to hide our flesh; but rather the kind of naked that has us without anything to hide those dark deeds we've done, and those naughty thoughts swimming around our heads, and the envy and anger we've felt towards others.

Naked and Ashamed

Being truly naked for someone is something I have had a problem with for a long time. Too many years of abuse and too many people being abusive has led me to not trust people. The thought of letting someone in? The thought of opening up my heart and soul for someone? The thought of letting them know my hopes, dreams, fears and thoughts? The thought of them knowing the things I've said and done and thought and felt? I almost have an anxiety attack just at the concept. 

The truth is, we're all naked to God. We just don't always remember that. We go about our life, covering up our sinful actions and thoughts, fearing God will see us as not good enough; often even trying to hide the good that's buried inside us, fearing God might think us prideful or as still not good enough. Whatever the reasons, we try to cover our nakedness.

In the Garden, after Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they knew they were naked and were ashamed. God created them naked. There should have been no shame in this. Perhaps it wasn't that their physical naughty bits were exposed which left them ashamed and trying to hide. Perhaps it was that they suddenly realized God could see into their hearts and minds. They realized their sin was exposed to Him. And like us, they were uncomfortable with that nakedness. They, like us, were attempting to hide that from Him. And they, like us, could not.

Stop Hiding (It's Futile)

The next time you're in communication with God, be open about those things you most try to hide from Him. He already sees into your soul - you might as well be a willing participant in His viewing. It's through this willing openness that we grow. It's through this that God is able to work growth into us and through us. It's through this openness that we are able to better reach out to others to aid in their growth, or at least in their times of need.

And, it really is much less work to just say "hey look God... I keep acting/thinking this way" than to ineffectually attempt to hide it from Him. It's much better for our hearts, minds and souls to trust in Him and His mercy and grace, than to hide from Him.

Behind the Scenes of The Condemned House

I just posted the 6th installment of The Condemned House (which, is actually only a 5th installment as the 1st post was more just a preface to the series) and realized that I need to write another post. This one really isn't part of the series - more just a bit of behind the scenes rambling I feel compelled to put out there. It's a personal rambling, rather than holding any educational value whatsoever.

Of course, there are some who don't find any of what I write to be educational whatsoever. It's all just emotional babble from an emotional girl. There's no substance or meaning to it. There's no scholarly value to it. Perhaps he's right.

But, I'm slipping off the path here. Allow me to meander back onto it...

In the beginning...

As I stated in the first post on The Condemned Heart, the series started because of a Bible study, in which the question was posed "what do you think of when you think of a house with a condemned sign?" and then related this to our hearts.

This study has stuck with me. It's nailed itself to my heart and mind. It made me stop in my tracks. It made me cry. It made me take a very hard look at myself.

I'm broken. 

Yes, I've always known this. I've said it time and again. But I don't think I have ever given it more than just a quick glance and a "yup, I'm broken."

Each post I've written in this series has brought a lot to the surface. I have perhaps only written 1% of what I've been thinking. All the ways I've been abused, and used, and hurt, and broken - all swam to the surface. All the ways in which I've used these as excuses to keep people away, to hurt others, to hide - all swam to the surface.

• Trust
• Fear
• Christian Lies
• Love
• Relationships

These are the subjects I've written on so far. These are topics which, in my opinion, are vital to building healthy hearts and a healthy relationship with Christ. There are more topics as well... perhaps many more. But for now... these 5...

Fear and Christian lies are two things which damage our hearts and relationship with God. Fear keeps the Holy Spirit away; and the lies we are taught about God keep us from wanting to grow closer to Him. I've known this for years... but it never truly hit me how true this is until I started this series. Each day I find more ways in which these two topics pull me from God.

Trust, love and relationships - these all tie together. But are three things I have had the most difficulty with, and still do. Growing up, I learned quickly "Never trust, never cry, never love." (Note: Crying/vulnerability will most likely be another topic). And again, I have known these "rules" can be harmful to my relationship with God. But again, I did not realize the extent until I started writing.

Still slip into learned behavior

Even now, even in the midst of writing this series and examining my heart, I find myself slipping into behaviors which will keep that condemned sign nailed to my heart. I find myself reacting to my own personal expectations of people, distrusting them. Questioning that distrust. Questioning the perceived betrayal.

Reread the second paragraph of this post. This is a good example. Is it me trying to keep someone at arms length? Is it me honestly being hurt by this person? Is this one of those relationships I should toss to the side? I know I do not draw this person closer to God... does he pull me from God? Or is this just a lack of trust on my part, and fear creeping in and taking over?

Rebuilding a Condemned House is a continuous project

While I didn't outright say it, it was in the back of my mind when I started writing this series: this will help me fix my brokenness, and then all will be good.

Ha!

I'm quickly realizing just how wrong I was in thinking that. Yes... writing this will help. God is working with me as these words hit the computer screen. He is working with me even when I am not writing. He is trying to heal me and my brokenness... just as He has been trying to do all along. And, sometimes I work with him. More often than not, however, I find myself working against Him. He says "trust me"... I hesitantly say "ok..." He says "trust this person"... I quickly say "heck no!".  He tells me to love my neighbor... I agree. He tells me to forgive and actually care for those who hurt me... I tell Him to bite me.

Oh yes, I do fear it will take quite some time to fix my brokenness. Quite honestly, I don't think it will ever be fixed in this lifetime. It will be a continuous project. I am just so thankful that we have a God willing to take that time... a God who is ever patient with us when we fight against His will.

For all the rest of you in the process of working on your condemned houses with God - always remember, He is still there and He will always be there. God bless!

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies
The Condemned House - Supported by Love 
The Condemned House - Salvageable Relationships

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

If you haven't already read the first part of "The Condemned House" please do so.  While it doesn't say much, it does explain what I mean by a condemned house...

Now then, assuming you've read the first part (or chose not to)...

First, allow me to state upfront that yes, I do realize Christ should be the foundation on which we stand. I am in no way attempting to say otherwise. However, this post - as all of these in the Condemned House series - is about the state of our own hearts, not only in regard to God/spirituality, but more-so in regards to living healthy lives with healthy relationships in a not-so-healthy environment the world we live in provides. This series deals with the traits we must embrace, and those we must kick out the door, to reach that goal.

A Valid Reason for Distrust

A year and a half ago, I met with a pastor. I didn't know why, or what I needed to talk about. I only knew I needed to talk to someone. One of the first things he said to me as I fidgeted uncomfortably in the chair was "you don't trust me, do you?" He was quite insightful - I didn't trust him. I didn't trust most people.

At that point in my life, I had already recognized my heart needed that condemned sign on it. I had already recognized that I had severe trust issues. But, I didn't see trust issues as much of a problem. I had valid reasons for my lack of trust, as I'm sure most of you with trust issues do. Abandonment, abuse, betrayal - by those who are supposed to care for us...

Why on heaven or earth would we open ourselves up to those possibilities again?

And Yet Another Valid Reason... Maybe

For a few months, this pastor let me cry, let me talk, let me open up. He kept claiming trust was important. And, I started to believe him, and trust him. I started to feel as if my heart were being built up again. I had allowed someone in. And through him and his teaching and guidance, I had allowed God to start working on my heart...on my condemned house. And then this pastor/trusted friend left.

This perceived betrayal put my heart right back in the condition it had been in. The foundation crumbled at my feet. Anger... no... outright hatred... filled my heart. I was crushed. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to scream. I wanted to crawl back behind the boarded up doors and windows and barbed wire fences.

A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

But... this friend shocked me. He didn't leave. Physically, yes, he took a call far from my little town. But he made himself available when I needed a friend. And he put up with a lot of abuse from me as I struck out at him for his betrayal. And somehow through it all, I recognized that he'd been right the whole time - I needed to trust. 

My crumbling foundation was because of that lack of trust. By refusing to let people in... I also reflected that behavior on God, refusing to allow Him to fix up my broken, run-down, unlovable and distrusting heart. 

Rebuild the Foundation of Trust!

Trust is an essential part of healing our hearts. We must trust in God - in His unending love for us; in His miraculous ability to heal a heart as condemned as ours; and in His desire to do that healing. 

But equally, we must trust in His servants - in those He sends to us to help with that healing. We must trust in friends and family and spiritual leaders. We must trust in the guidance followers of God give us. 

Does this mean we won't be hurt? Does this mean that trust won't be betrayed at some point, by mankind? Of course not. We're sinful beings and we will break trust and have our trust broken. But we must continue to allow ourselves to be vulnerable at times, with those people who do care. The more we block ourselves off from trusting others, the more we also block ourselves off from God and all the wonders He can do with rebuilding our broken hearts. 

May God strengthen your ability to heal from betrayals, and rebuild your ability to trust. And may you all find the courage and strength to trust in others and in our Lord. 

God bless!

Lessons Learned at the End of a Rope

Many of us have, at one time or another, reached the end of our rope. We're going through too much. We're desperate. We're scared. We just know we can't hold on any more, and there is no rope left to grab but the little frayed end that we're clinging to.

I've been there. More times than I can count or care to recall, I have been there. Some say "just keep holding on." Some tell us to not let go. But what I've learned? All these times at the end of my rope, and all the times I've witnessed others at the end of theirs, or heart of others at the end of theirs?

Let Go of the Rope!

I believe I was 16 the first time I decided to kill myself. I was at the end of my rope. I was scared, and hurting, and so alone and lost. I downed a bottle of aspirin, and in my weakened state... I let go of the rope. A mentor was there to catch me, and I let myself trust him to get me help. He saved my life (well, that and the fact that with that bottle of aspirin, I also had a 2 liter of soda and a bag of chocolate chips... which made me toss up half the aspirin...).

A couple years later, I had a perfect plan. I was going to take a bottle of pain meds, slit my wrists, and shoot myself. Or hang myself. I truly can't remember which. But, regardless, just minutes before I executed my plan, three friends appeared at my door and refused to leave my side. I let go of the rope and I let them catch me.

Not too long ago, again I felt I reached the end of that rope. I was so scared and alone and confused and overwhelmed. And again, there was a mentor, someone standing beneath me letting me know I could let go of the rope - he would catch me.

I lost two brothers to suicide - not just any suicide either. Both died like a good friend of ours did - they hung themselves. They'd reached the end of the rope, and tied it around their neck. They weren't able to trust someone... they weren't able to just let go of that rope and know someone would catch them. And truly, it doesn't matter how one dies when they take their own life - it's the same thing... they don't see there is someone trustworthy enough to save them; and they don't believe they are worthy enough of someone trustworthy trying to save them.

This is what God wants!

God doesn't want us clasping and clinging to the end of that rope, assuming we can or should have the strength to pull ourselves up. He wants to let go of that rope and cling to Him. He is all we need.

God wants us to stop pretending we have the strength - to stop assuming we're able to fully rely on ourselves. We can't. There is just no way. By insisting on clinging to the end of that rope, we're still fighting our own ego. We're still saying we don't need anyone else (and yes, I just found myself laughing out loud as I wrote that last bit... I am very much in the habit of fighting my own ego. Perhaps I'd find myself at the end of my rope much less often if I'd acknowledge my weakness before the rope ran out). We need God. There is no other way. There is no way we can climb that rope again and again and again by ourselves. There are times we need to simply trust in God and let go of that rope.

Yes, the times I let go, I had friends and mentors who caught me. These people were God's hands at work. And I thank God daily for these friends. And I praise God daily for helping me realize that it is okay (and often necessary) to just let go of that rope.

Trust in God and stop fighting, assuming you are (or need to be) strong enough to go it alone. None of us are. And none of us need to be. Just let go of the rope and know that God is there to catch you.

Cannot Yet Quiet My Soul

I remember looking down at my babies as they slept quietly, contently, in my arms. There was almost a tangible trust and peacefulness there - a calm that can never be truly expressed with words. I often found (and still find) myself wondering if I ever had that same quiet trust.

Somewhere, at some point in time, the harshness of the world invaded my soul. There was no quiet. There was no peace. There was no quiet trust in parents, or in God. I saw God in the same light I saw my parents - uncaring, abusive, cruel, chaotic.

As I matured (ok, so perhaps "matured" isn't the right word, as I am still quite immature) and was mentored (just within the last couple years) I began to separate God from my parents. I began to understand Him as loving, nurturing, trustworthy. But this did not change my chaotic soul. I start to find some calm and then the harshness of the world sweeps in like a violent tornado, taking me with it.

Tonight, in Bible study, we read the story of Jesus with Martha and Mary, where Mary sits quietly at Jesus feet, listening to Him whilst Martha scurries about busy with everything she felt needed to be done. The past few weeks, I have been Martha. I've been worrying about everything happening, and everything needing to be done. I haven't allowed myself to simply sit at Jesus feet and listen. I haven't given myself a chance to focus on God, and on allowing Him to bring me comfort and peace.

I am still trying to learn how to remain calm in the storm; how to trust God through the turmoil; how keep my soul at peace in the midst of the world's screams.

I am still in need of someone telling me "Peace, Brandi, Peace"... someone reminding me to breath and be calm and let myself feel the peace of Christ.

Psalm 131:2 (NRSV)

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

Perhaps, some day, I'll get there... Although, I must admit, for a moment I felt that quiet tonight. A very brief moment, but a moment all the same.

May the peace of Christ be with you all...

I Know the Answer to THE Question!

"Jesus is the answer."

"God loves you."

"Put your faith in the Lord."

"Joy comes from following Christ."

"Blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."

"God is always with you."

"Peace be with you."

"God is our living hope."

Oh how often we hear these words. 

We utter them to those in need. We nod in approval when they are told to us in our times of need.

A few years ago, had someone asked me "Do you believe in God?" I would have of course answered yes. When asked if I love Him, I would have answered yes. Do I trust him? Yes. Do  I believe He is hope? That there is hope?... and I stumble. What about joy?... wellllll.... Peace? .... ha! Funny.

But I did try. I thought.

A friend of mine always ends his emails with "Peace" - or, if I'm extremely troubled at the time, "Peace, Brandi. Peace." When I first started reading these words, I'd feel great appreciation for the thought/prayer, but didn't feel the peace itself.

A friend of mine tried to explain to me that it is ok to love and trust others - that fellowship is a good and necessary thing. To be honest, I found this all rather funny, but because I did trust this person, I figured what can it hurt to give it a try?

A friend of mine tried to convince me that peace and joy are concepts not outside my grasp. He tried to convince me that I am deserving of these things. And that I am deserving of love. And that regardless of what I have done or do in the future, I am a beloved child of God's and that He loves me. I tried to believe. Or, perhaps I tried to find reasons not to believe.

Recently, something has changed... 

Love... hope... joy... peace... trust... ?

I have these.

When I start to feel chaos, and read that one simple word... I truly do feel peace.

During those moments of sorrow, when tears flow openly, I know I am loved. I am willing to let these tears fall in front of others. I am willing to trust... to put myself out there.

My sorrow does not become a dark, deep pit of depression.

Even in moments of anger, I am able to forgive... including myself.

Abandonment, betrayal, hatred, worthlessness, defeated, broken... I see these all hiding around corners, barely even existent any longer. But they don't win anymore. And they know they've lost. They're just those old rags I haven't had time to toss away yet. For awhile, I kept 'em around for sentimental reasons... and because I figured they'd be back anyway. And, perhaps they will be. But I don't want to keep them around any longer. And if they do come back for a visit... it's ok. I know it'll be a very short one.

But how do I know this??? 

Faith, my friend. Faith.

And where does this faith come from?

Easy... I found the answer. I found the secret to happiness.

How many times have we heard "Jesus is the answer"? How many times have we told others this? And... how many times have we honestly, truly, believed it?

I didn't. In a way, perhaps, I believed it. I mean, Jesus is the answer in regards to our salvation. But... he's also the answer to our happiness here on earth.

In a comment to my latest post regarding 5 words I used to scorn (peace, love, trust, joy, hope), a friend of mine said that these words are "all found through Faith in God and Our Savior Jesus Christ. Sure, some or all can be found to some degree in someone without Christ in their life, but the depth and completeness of them are not even close to the same without that faith." (thank you +Joe Huguenard).

And that's when the anvil hit me in the head. 

All this time... all these years of believing... I hadn't really let Christ into my heart. I had cut myself off from love and trust so much that I'd even blocked God. I wouldn't let myself believe I was worthy of love. And, after a little poking and prodding and pushing to get me to take down a wall or two (or twelve)... I've come to realize that the friend of mine who said it's ok to love and trust was actually right. In fact, it seems, the more I let people in, the more I let Jesus in. The more I let Jesus in, the more hopeful I feel. The more I let myself love, the more I feel loved. And, all this love and trust and hope... I feel joy. I feel peace.

No, it's not always happy. There are still days of chaos and frustration and anger and fear and everything else that used to cloud my heart and mind and soul. But... they don't cloud my heart, mind or soul anymore. They're there. Of course they are. This is life. We will be sad. We will feel loss. We will get angry and annoyed. But they don't define me.

Not anymore.

Because I have found the answer... and oddly enough, it's as I've been told since the beginning - Jesus. Jesus is the answer.

5 Words I Usually Utter in Disdain

I've noticed a rather irritating trend from my Christian blogger friends recently... and even amongst my non-blogging (and sometimes non-Christian) friends. Everyone seems to be writing about 5 different words (or, some of these words at least).

Even worse... I've found myself writing about these concepts, and not with my usual disdain. These are 5 words that up until recently, I only understood on the surface, and even with that many of them did not truly apply to me or my life. Maybe, some, at times... but in general? These are the words happy people utter that cause me to scoff.

The words I usually ridicule, but recently find myself embracing... in no particular order...

Love
     Hope
          Joy
               Trust
                    Peace


Perhaps it's the season that has us all embracing such topics? Perhaps it's because these concepts are indeed alive and well in our lives (including my own... a concept which is rather frightening in itself). These 5 words are concepts many of us struggle with - especially during the holidays. Perhaps we lost loved ones. Perhaps we're in a position of feeling hopeless. Perhaps our lives are so chaotic right now, peace is merely a dream.

I find it so strange to consider that only a short time ago, each of these were dreams to me. Actually, they weren't even dreams. I'd given up dreaming many years ago. Yes, I did/do have love - I have a family whom I love dearly. But to show love and have love shown to me and to understand the whole  concept on a deeper level was foreign. It went along with trust - no one came into my heart. I didn't realize, I was even holding God at bay. But, I think that's what we do when we close ourselves off from others... as much as we may say we love and trust God, those doors are so locked up, we can't truly feel that love. We can't truly experience it.

When you can't experience the love of God... when you can't allow yourself to trust in Him, and at least a bit in the underlying goodness of mankind... you lose hope. It just isn't there. For me, I really hadn't even noticed this was absent from my life until I was knocked upside the head with the realization that so much more was absent. Without hope, or love, or trust... there is no joy either. No true joy anyway. This isn't to say there aren't moments of honest happiness. But, true living breathing joy? It flew out the window on the wings of hope. And when it's all gone... there can be no real peace. All of these, and I am certain there are more concepts which go along with them... they all play together. And when a couple of them are absent, they eventually all disappear.

While I will most likely touch on each of these more in depth in the days and weeks to come, for now, all I can say with the utmost certainty is that I am incredibly grateful that these concepts have found their way back into my life. Through the patience of a friend, and of God, these have been returned to me. Or, perhaps, they were there all along and this friend simply helped me find them again. Hmmm... something for me to think on...

My Next Husband is Going to Be a Pastor

Yup, that's right...

My next husband is going to be a pastor...

I don't have one picked out or anything... but, I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult to find one, get him drunk, and convince him to marry me in some cheesy Las Vegas chapel.

Ok, so maybe it will need a little planning. But, have you noticed how many incredibly good looking pastors there are? I still remember the first pastor I ever had a crush on. I was 15 or 16. I'm not sure his age - maybe 27 or 28. But I do remember being able to trust him. He's probably the first person I ever trusted. And, he was one of the first I ever asked to help me. And he was insanely good looking. For some reason, I didn't mind going to both the 8am and 10:30am service. And sure I'll help serve dinner. And clean up. And clean the church. And... what... he's leaving? I'm outta here...

Anyway, I'm getting off topic....

Allow me to quit drooling over pastors and go back to marrying them...

If you think about it, if you marry a doctor, you get free health care, including free anti-depressants. Marry a psychiatrist, you get free therapy, and free anti-depressants. But... if you marry a minister, you get free prayers, and don't need anti-depressants. Ok, so that's not entirely true - but it's funny how many people think that a closer relationship with God means no more depression. If only it were that easy.

Ok, so, perhaps I have had just a little bit too much coffee tonight.

Let me get to my point (I really do have one....)

This post isn't about marrying a pastor. Or being attracted to that sexy collar around their neck. It's about trust. And expectation. And God...

There are people whom we inherently believe can be trusted - pastors, therapists, teachers, parents. Betrayal by these people tends to hit harder than if it were a betrayal by John Doe on the street. There are certain positions which have a built in expectation of being trustworthy. Wrong perhaps, but the expectation is still there. And when that person falls off the pedestal on which we've placed him/her, we tend to write off the entire group. Pastor A betrayed us, therefore all pastors are evil. Professor J betrayed us, therefore all teachers are untrustworthy. Dad walked out on us, therefore every male is going to do the same. It's a rather vicious little circle.

So is trusting someone a bad thing? Or something we should be doing? 

I've heard it suggested that we shouldn't put our trust in man - that only God is worthy of our trust. Well first, I must say, that yes, we can trust God with everything. But, it isn't so cut and dry. And how we trust our Lord is how we should also approach trust when it comes to mankind....

"I trust you God to save my child."... and the child dies.
"I trust you God to keep this storm from hitting our small town." ... and the storm hits the heart of the city, destroying everything.
"I trust you God to bring me peace."... and no peace is found.

This is the problem with trust. We place our expectations on someone else and claim it to be trust. We expect a father to stay in our life and love us. When he doesn't, he has broken that trust. But has he really? Or has he simply broken an expectation we had? See, we as humans trust people to meet our expectations. And this isn't necessarily wrong... except that when you continue to trust someone to meet impossible expectations, you guarantee that the other person will break your trust. When you trust mankind to always act in a Godlike manner, you guarantee your trust will be shattered.

When it comes to God - we trust that His Will is going to prevail. And it will. We trust that He will be with us, no matter what harm may come to us. And, He will. If you take this same approach to man, you find trust to be a bit easier to swallow...

I trust you to be here when you are able. I trust you to accept me, even when you don't agree or approve of my actions. I trust you to love me and to show that love in a way you are comfortable with.

Granted, trust will still be broken. And, more often, trust in outlandish expectations will be broken. We're all only human. But when you look at what trust really means to you - when you look at what is important when it comes to trust and love... is it selfish? Is it unrealistic expectations? No one can continuously meet selfish, unrealistic expectations.

So back to marrying a pastor... 

When I hear the word "pastor", I used to cringe. One person broke my trust of men wearing the collar. That's all it took. But now, the word "pastor" makes me think of someone who can be trusted, and will be there. And lemme tell ya, it took a lot more than just a moment to build up what one moment had broken. Trust isn't something to be taken lightly. Trust is one of those gifts - as important as, and linked to, love - given to us by God. And, it's one of those gifts I want to be able to give more than I do. And well, pastors are (sometimes) worthy of such trust. Therefore, I'm going to marry one.

Now accepting applications...  ;)

My One Prayer This Season

Many years ago (about 20 or so) I wrote a poem... Never Trust, Never Cry. I held to this motto for years. Over 20 years to be honest. It wasn't until a good friend taught me that it's ok to trust people... it's ok to open up to others... it's ok to let them see me cry... that I started to go against the words of my poem. I went against my mantra.

Tonight, I wrote a post about crying in public - about how so many see those tears and walk away. To be honest, this is a pain that hurts more than holding those tears in. It's the reason I did hold those tears in for so long. But, this isn't about me. It isn't about those who walk away. It's about those who've stayed near. It's about the lessons I've learned from those who haven't walked away.

Thank you God. You have given me a family - not all born of the same blood, but all with more heart and love than I deserve or expected. You've given me sisters who have stayed by my side; brothers who have given me some of strongest and most heartfelt lessons. You've given me people who have loved me; and more importantly have taught me how to love others. I often over look the gifts You've bestowed upon me - I get selfish; get angry that my expectations aren't met. But You have given me so much more than my expectations.

My one prayer this season is that you give me the courage, strength, and love to not ignore another's tears. Give me the ability to recognize the pain and need in another's heart - to be the reflection of comfort you offer us all. Let my arms hold another as if they are Your arms. Let my words bring the peace and comfort only You can give. Let me never be the person to bring upon the pain and emptiness that is felt when someone sees tears and still walks away. Help me to love as You have loved.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Chicken or the Egg?

I've always thought the questions "What came first - the chicken or the egg?" was such an insanely stupid question. Besides the fact there is no way to truly know the answer, there really is no point to it either.

Or is there?

What came first - the decline of Christianity or the decline of the family unit?
What came first - the rise of commercialism or the decline of the church?
What came first - the rise of money-hungry politicians or the decline of the US government?

Yeah, still is pointless to ponder.

But, all of these aren't the point of this post anyway.. I simply thought they were interesting to throw out there. So what is my point?

Trust and respect -

What comes first - trust and respect, or earning such trust and respect?

For example - take pastors. Why? Because I'm inherently distrustful of them, and yet they walk into our lives with a title suggesting they should be able to be trusted and respected.

Pastor Bill... or Bob... or Tim... or Tom... or whatever the case may be starts at your church as the newly installed minister. You call him Pastor Bob or Bill or... whatever the case may be. Because he is a pastor, you've already made up your mind to give him respect by utilizing this title. And, I would argue, you've also already made up your mind to give him trust.

But what if Pastor Bob is abusive? Or just an imbecile? What if he *gasp* is a sinner? What if he's cheating on his wife, or sleeping with a member of the congregation? What if he watches porn on a regular basis, or is drunk most Sunday mornings at service? What if he just simply is not worthy of the trust and respect we automatically give him?

I have battled with trust issues for as long as I can remember. But pastors do get the brunt of this mistrust. I will call a pastor "Pastor" at the church on Sunday morning as a sign of respect. But that's as far as it goes. One must earn the right to be consistently considered a pastor - with me, at least. But, to be fair, I don't hand over trust or respect to anyone else either - surface respect, but that's it.

So, does the title inherently give them claim to such trust and respect? Should we automatically trust them until they give us a reason not to? Or should we hold off until they prove they are worthy of such trust? 

What comes first - the chicken or the egg? The trust/respect or the earning of these?

We're Meant to Carry Each Other

Many times, from conception until death, we're carried by someone else.

As unborn babies, our mothers carry us within their own bodies, nurturing and protecting us. As infants, unable to care for our own needs, we are carried and cared for by family and friends. Someone is there to nurture and protect us. Even after we learn to walk on our own, we sometimes need someone to carry us. We fall off our bike and need mom to carry us into the house and tend to our wounds. We feel sick and too weak to walk on our own, so our fathers bring us up to bed. We learn who we can trust to carry us.

As we get older, being carried by others tends to take on a less physical sense, and more an emotional one. Our friends and loved ones carry us emotionally when our feelings get hurt or when we're grieving. They're there to hug us and nurture us emotionally. They're there when we need advice or a helping hand or just someone to make us smile. Time and again those we trust are called on to carry us.

As we grow old and our minds and bodies begin to show their age, we find ourselves once again needing to be carried by others. We need someone to help us remember where things are and how to do things and which name goes to which face. We need someone to support our weight as our legs begin to fail us. We need someone to hold our hand when the doctor gives us bad news. Even as we age, we still call on those we trust to carry us.

And when our time comes to an end and we're lying in that casket, our loved ones carry us one last time.With heavy hearts, filled with sorrow and love, they hold tight to those casket handles as our bodies are placed in the ground, and our souls are lifted to heaven.

And just as throughout our lives we find ourselves relying on others to carry us, so also will we find ourselves being called on to carry others. God places us in the lives of others to lift them up and carry them in their time of need.


This is what God intended. He created us to lift each other up, just as he lifts us. We are meant to carry each other just as He carries us. I'm sure you've all heard the poem "Footprints in the Sand" (If not, please look it up. Wonderful poem!). This is a poem of God walking with us and carrying us. And so should it be with us towards each other. When we are told to love each other as God loves us, this means to also carry each other and carry each others' burdens.

I Can't Stand My Life!

Several months ago, a friend suggested I read the book of Job. I made it through the first few chapters, but then got busy with other things - family, work, watching bad reality television. And I never got back to this particular book. Today, I woke up to an emailed devotion which was about Job, chapter 10. I read it, and read the devotion which was very short and in regards to being angry with God.

I have to admit this particular piece of scripture did touch me. It was about me... or, at the very least, how I used to be. When so many things go wrong so many times in ones life, they get angry - at God, at life, at everything. They hate their life. They wish they'd never been born. They start to wonder why God is picking on them.

...Can’t you let up, and let me smile just once before I die and am buried (The Message)

...Turn away from me so I can have a moment’s joy (NIV)

...cease then, and let me alone, that I may take comfort a little (KJV)

It doesn't matter which version you use to read Job 10:20... his plea at the end of that verse. All he wants is for God to stop knocking him down. All he wants is a moment of peace, comfort, happiness, before his life is over. It's a plea I've made so many times. It's a plea many of us have made so many times.

And, often times, it seems it's a plea that God ignores.

So, this brings me back to the original devotion I read this morning. And I have one question - Is it okay to be angry with God?

I looked this question up online. And there are so many answers, from people who like to write much longer answers than I do. They toss out scripture which makes little sense to the question at hand. One called the people whom would ever dream of being angry with God fools. Some sugar coat their answer a little more. I had one person tell me straight out - it's ok if you're angry with God. He understands this, and still considers you a beloved child.

So which is?

I don't know the answer. But, I do know what I believe...

Being angry with God is okay, but... it is wrong.

.....

Say what?

Ok... let me explain this. By being angry with God, we're questioning his sovereignty. We don't trust in him. We're basically saying that he has done something wrong. All of this - this is wrong.

On the other hand, God understands what is in our hearts. He understands the pain we feel from time to time as we deal with life. So when I say it is okay to be angry with God, I am simply saying that God understands why we're angry. And, he forgives us, provided we accept that we're wrong in this anger.

Eventually, though - it doesn't serve you, or me, to be angry with God. It just keeps that bitterness inside us. Instead, we need to hand that anger and bitterness to God. We need to accept that God knows what he's doing. We need to trust in him.

We may not like everything we're dealt in this life - but we still should be thankful every day for what we do have that is precious and good.

Expectations

When I was growing up, I never really fit in anywhere. I had friends - usually just one or two close trusted friends, and a few whom I considered friends even though we didn't trade secrets. But whenever there was a get together of a group of people... even if my friends were there, I felt like an outsider. Those who really know me, understand that this hasn't changed.

But, me being an outsider isn't the point of this post. The point is...

When I was in ninth grade, I believe it was in late winter or early spring, our high school started an environmental group. The first meeting had probably 100 or more students show up. We hired officers. And, of course, the popular students got the positions. But, that was ok. I took notes that first day. I wrote the meeting minutes. I wasn't the secretary, or any other position, but I liked the idea of this group and was eager to get involved. I met with the leader after that first meeting. Vance was a college student, and his enthusiasm in environmental issues was very intoxicating and addictive.

After that first meeting, we only had maybe a dozen or less students at every meeting - and none of those people were the actual officers. I'm the one Vance called when he had an idea for an activity. I'm the one who helped him contact the rest of the group. I'm the one who was at every event and meeting. I contacted the media to get our group on the news. I dug through tons of trash cans and boxes of garbage, separating out all the recyclables. I brought my brother with me when our group toured a recycling plant. I loved the group. I felt I truly belonged somewhere.

Unfortunately, school finished for the year... and after a few meetings in the early summertime, Vance stopped calling. I tried contacting him a few times with some ideas, but he didn't return my calls. I later found out that Vance had only started the group to earn some college credits. Once his goal was met, he was gone.

This is someone I had looked up to. He had gotten me excited in something. He had made me believe in something. I had trusted him. I had expected him to have the dedication and desire to keep the group going... I had expected him to stay loyal to the group, and to me. And he let me down. It took me the rest of the summer and a couple months into my sophomore year before I finally got the hint and accepted that he wasn't coming back.

Now that I think back on this... I have just realized that I don't think I really ever forgave him. I'm still angry about his betrayal. But again, this isn't the point. Moving on...

Since Vance, there have been a few more people who've affected meas he did. And by few, I mean one... maybe two. And these few betrayed me as well. And, by betrayed, I mean they went against my expectations. They followed their own desires rather than what I wanted.

As humans, we tend to place expectations on people - especially people we care about, those we trust and/or love. And these expectations are almost always unrealistic. We expect people to be faithful to us. We expect them to be there when we're hurting. We expect them to support us emotionally. We expect them to not hurt us or betray us. We expect them to not leave. We expect them to put our desires first. But, no one can hold to all these expectations all the time.

We need to learn to let go of expectations of people, and accept that others will hurt us from time to time.

There is only one place to put those expectations where we will not be disappointed - provided we don't make those expectations unrealistic.

We can place expectations in God. I'm not talking about expecting him to grant our every whim and desire. I'm talking about expecting him to love us unconditionally. I'm talking about expecting our sins to be forgiven through the sacrifice of his son. I'm talking about expecting him to be there beside us, lifting us up, through good times and especially bad.

God will not betray us. He will not leave us. He will not choose his own selfish desires over our needs. So, "Put your expectations on God - not on people" (Joyce Meyer).

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Matthew 7:15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves."

It started several months ago - in a moment of weakness due to days of taxing physical labor - she allowed herself to be manipulated. she began to trust in someone, and believe in what they told her. She had a moment of clarity a couple days later, and even wrote about it. She chastised herself for allowing herself to be manipulated in such a way. 6 months later, she has continued to allow herself to be manipulated.

You see, we all want something to believe in. For some of us, we believe in ourselves only. For others, we believe in a higher power, or a God of some sort. And for others, we believe no one is worthy of believing in. But no matter what it is we choose, and to what degree, we need to believe. This woman was no different.

She believed in God. She believed that we should all do our best to help our neighbors. But just because she believed this, didn't mean that she believed we are all worthy of being saved, nor did she believe that God is all loving and kind and good. If this was the case, there wouldn't be so much sickness and disaster and pain in the world. Perhaps an accurate definition for her would be that she was a defeated believer. She didn't believe in the church, or in the church community. She believed you could worship in your own heart and that's all that was needed. And above all else, she believed that mankind itself is untrustworthy, and no one should be handed any kind of trust.

And in walked someone who made her question her beliefs. For six months this person forced her to reconsider, and forced her to allow trust and love back into her heart. For six months he had her convinced there was a better way. And then, just slightly into his teaching and guiding, he walked away. His reasons were selfish and petty. He who claimed to be doing "God's work" and following "God's path" took the path that was best to his liking. He didn't take the road less traveled. He took the one most appealing to himself.

2 Corinthians 11:14 "And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light."

Should he have such a right? Can he still claim to be such a follower of Christ if he follows his own desires? But, the same can be said of the woman in the story - she obviously desired him to remain her teacher, her leader. In her mind, the teaching was not done, the job was unfinished.

Switch out the characters in the story... the woman is now a young child, the preacher is a volunteer rescue worker...

This small child was out wandering around, and she falls into a deep well. She's cold, hungry, injured and tired. She's broken a bit. The rescue worker comes to her aid, dropping a rope down the well. He's able to instruct the girl how to place the rope around herself so he can pull her out. And he does pull. He puts in great effort to assist her. With each foot she is raised from the bottom of the well, her trust and love for the worker grows. Her hope grows. Her pain is lessened. Slowly, she reaches the halfway point. She knows she's almost free.

And then the worker releases the rope, having received a call about another job to do....

And thus endeth the lesson.  I'm quite certain I don't need to go into detail on how much worse her injuries to her body and spirit are after the rope was released.

Ezekiel 34:4 "The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them."

We Walk the Path Alone

You stand, alone, staring down the darkening path. No one can be seen. No one stands beside you. The trees disappear, becoming one with the shadows and fog and dark. Fear and loneliness settle into your heart and soul. You know you must make the journey, but are unsure if it can be done without any light, without any guide, without a friend.

They say to ask God for help. So you do. And to a degree, it helps. There is a small sense of security. You don't feel quite so alone, quite so frightened. But God can't hold your hand in the physical sense. He can't offer you that hug, or that light, in a true physical sense. And sometimes we need that physical help. We need to truly feel someone holding us. We need to truly hear those words of encouragement. We need to truly see that friend walking by our side.

And it's when you're needing these things that you find you are alone. Perhaps not always, and not in every sense of the world, but you are alone. You walk the dark, frightening path alone.

And should you try to ask for help?

You find that you've been abandoned. Those few you trust to hold you, to help you, to hear you - they don't believe you are worthy of the strength they can offer.

And so you find yourself sinking deeper into a pit of despair, a pool of self-pity. You find yourself feeling isolated and unworthy, and you hate yourself for it. And you hate those you had faith in. And you hate God. All because you have to walk the path alone.

I've walked this path before, on numerous occasions. I've pushed away those who refused to be there for me. I pushed away God. I have hated those whom I thought I could trust. Just when I start to think there is someone who believes I am worth it, I am reminded that I am not. Just when I think someone cares, I find they do not.

So what do we do when faced with the terrifying path facing us? What do we do when we need help? What do we do when forced to walk the path alone?

Another non-sermon

Ok, so last night I said this blog wouldn't be updated... obviously I lied. However, the part about the sins not being finished wasn't a lie. I will hopefully eventually finish them, but I can't force the topic and quite frankly, I'm not in the right frame of mind to finish them.

I can't say what got into me last night with the whine-fest. A defense mechanism of mine, no doubt. Head on over the darkside of the rose to read more on that topic and how it affects me. But for here... for this site... I have put my faith in God and my trust in one of his servants. And, I'm not one to put faith or trust in anyone or anything. And thus, I get a bit "what the hell am I thinking!" from time to time. And sadly, while God may have given me a talent for writing... a talent which I usually think of as a blessing... this ability can also be a pain in that I tend to write what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, whether it's right or wrong.

Have you ever felt like you have crossed a line? Made someone angry with you? Or did something wrong but don't have a clue what that could be? I hate that feeling. And, I think either my recent blog posts, or other writings, may be the cause of this. I just wish any issues would be spoken (or written) to me. While I generally don't care what people think, there are some people that I do care about.

I'm a bit all over the board today, and not really sure what I'm trying to say or why I'm saying it on my sermon blog. I only know that I don't like feeling like I've hurt someone, especially when I'm not even sure what I've done. When I choose to care about someone... to love someone... to put my trust in someone... I try not to do so only partially, because I would not want someone to love me only partially. I would not want God to do so partially.

 John 13:34 - A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 

I don't know that I can ever love as selflessly or wholly as God loves, but I will try, and I do love. It isn't seen my many because of my own fears, but I do love.
 
 Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Faith and trust are less common to me than love is. And my faith is often shaken, again, because of my own fears. I generally do not follow blindly, and this is exactly what faith and trust require. And so while I say I have faith, and I say I trust someone, this doesn't mean I won't occasional stumble and wonder if my faith and trust are being placed correctly. This is not a reflection on God or other people I place my faith and trust in. This is a reflection of who I am, and what I am, and how I work. This is a reflection of me.

If I have said I love you, or that I have faith in something, or that I trust someone - believe it, because it is as true a statement as anything the Lord has said. I do not lie when it comes to these words.