I Don't Give, I Take

Yesterday, I sat around feeling sorry for myself, missing a good friend. Or, supposed good friend. He'd promised to stay in touch. He'd promised to still be here for me. And yet, he wasn't. He was gone. I was missing him, and quite certain that feeling wasn't reciprocated. And so I was sad. And a bit angry. And feeling a bit abandoned, betrayed and rejected.

This morning, it was no different. At first. Until I heard myself utter one phrase... "I keep giving, and get nothing."

And then it hit me.

I don't give - I take. I don't love - I expect.

I'm always preaching to people that love is not about expectations. If there are expectations, it isn't love. And yet here I was, expecting. And my giving? What I was giving were requests for his attention. Requests for him to affirm that he does care. Requests for his friendship and love, as if it were mine to request. My selfishness had taken control.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

Jesus does not love us conditionally. His love is not full of expectations. His only request - in which His love is not dependent upon us following - is that we love others as He loves us. We should not place expectations on the love we give others. Our love should be given freely, without strings - as our Lord has given us His love.

Ingratitude

Today's sermon isn't original. Of course, most of my sermons aren't original thoughts. They come from things which have been said to me, in addition of course to things written in the Bible - or things which I've read somewhere else. Today's is based on the sermon I listened to at church today.

The gentleman who did the sermon today - and who's given about half of the sermons since our pastor left at the end of last year - isn't a minister. But, he does a very good job, in my opinion. And, he's gotten much better since his first sermon this year. Of all the sermons he's done... and others have done... this year, today's seemed to hit home quite a bit more. It was so good, in fact, I took notes during the sermon. And... after my 15 year old threw away my notes... we walked those two whole blocks back to the church to dig the notes out of the garbage...

The sermon centered around one simple concept - gratitude.

How many of us remember to take the time to say those two simple words - "Thank you" ?

Thank you to those who do something nice for us? Thank you to those who help us when we need it? And especially, thank you to God for all he's given us?

It's so easy to overlook these words.... this feeling. And, as was explained today, there are 5 main reasons for ingratitude...

1. Unrealistic expectations
2. Forgetfulness
3. Entitlement
4. Comparison
5. Blindness to God's Grace

Unrealistic Expectations: 

 One of my last sermons was based on expectations, but I hadn't connected the dots between expectations and ingratitude. If you think about it, though, it does make sense. When someone doesn't meet your expectations, you lose sight of what they have done for you. You're too busy being resentful to recognize the fact that you should be saying "Thank you."

We must not hold people to these unrealistic expectations. Humans, quite simply, are not capable of meeting all our expectations. As soon as we accept that, and remind ourselves of this every time we find that we're expecting more than someone can meet, the better able we will be to be grateful for what people do for us.

Forgetfulness: 

Quite frankly, sometimes we just forget to say "thank you." We get busy with something else, or so excited that something good has happened, or whatever the case may be. We must try to be more aware of when someone does something for us - and thank them immediately.

Entitlement:

"I deserve this"... "I deserve better"...

Ahh, how easy it is to feel entitled. I think I could write an entire post or 4 on this topic. But, to keep it simple and short... think of our kids now days. Most of them feel they are entitled - they are deserving of things without having earned them. All their friends have a phone. It's just something that, as a teenager, they are entitled to have. So, when their parents purchase this for them, they aren't grateful. They don't even recognize something good was done for them.

This isn't just teenagers - we all get into this frame of mind at some point. We need to stop assuming we're entitled to anything. Take, for example, our salvation. We do not deserve to be forgiven of our sins. But, we are. And we need to be grateful every day, every moment, for this forgiveness.

Comparison:

"I do more than..."

Such an easy trap this is... believing you do more than someone else. Perhaps it's your spouse... you go to work, you do the chores, you help the kids with homework, you make the meals. What does your spouse do? Nothing. Or, so you let yourself believe. You don't show any gratitude for what your spouse does do simply because you believe you do more, and/or don't even notice what your spouse does.

We must stop comparing our actions to those of others, and give recognition where it is due to what other people do.

Blindness to God's Grace:

 Sometimes, we just really can't see what God has done for us. We don't recognize or appreciate what we've been given by our Lord. We are blind to the sacrifice that was made for us. We are blind to the unconditional love and grace of God. We need to open our eyes. We need to see what has been given to us and for us. And we need to say those two simple words - "Thank you."

Psalm 103

¹ Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

⁶ The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all the oppressed.

⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
    his deeds to the people of Israel:
⁸ The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lordhas compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
¹⁵ The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ the wind blows over it and it is gone,
    and its place remembers it no more.
¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting
    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
    and his righteousness with their children’s children—
¹⁸ with those who keep his covenant
    and remember to obey his precepts.

¹⁹ The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
    and his kingdom rules over all.

²⁰ Praise the Lord, you his angels,
    you mighty ones who do his bidding,
    who obey his word.
²¹ Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
    you his servants who do his will.
²² Praise the Lord, all his works
    everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

Expectations

When I was growing up, I never really fit in anywhere. I had friends - usually just one or two close trusted friends, and a few whom I considered friends even though we didn't trade secrets. But whenever there was a get together of a group of people... even if my friends were there, I felt like an outsider. Those who really know me, understand that this hasn't changed.

But, me being an outsider isn't the point of this post. The point is...

When I was in ninth grade, I believe it was in late winter or early spring, our high school started an environmental group. The first meeting had probably 100 or more students show up. We hired officers. And, of course, the popular students got the positions. But, that was ok. I took notes that first day. I wrote the meeting minutes. I wasn't the secretary, or any other position, but I liked the idea of this group and was eager to get involved. I met with the leader after that first meeting. Vance was a college student, and his enthusiasm in environmental issues was very intoxicating and addictive.

After that first meeting, we only had maybe a dozen or less students at every meeting - and none of those people were the actual officers. I'm the one Vance called when he had an idea for an activity. I'm the one who helped him contact the rest of the group. I'm the one who was at every event and meeting. I contacted the media to get our group on the news. I dug through tons of trash cans and boxes of garbage, separating out all the recyclables. I brought my brother with me when our group toured a recycling plant. I loved the group. I felt I truly belonged somewhere.

Unfortunately, school finished for the year... and after a few meetings in the early summertime, Vance stopped calling. I tried contacting him a few times with some ideas, but he didn't return my calls. I later found out that Vance had only started the group to earn some college credits. Once his goal was met, he was gone.

This is someone I had looked up to. He had gotten me excited in something. He had made me believe in something. I had trusted him. I had expected him to have the dedication and desire to keep the group going... I had expected him to stay loyal to the group, and to me. And he let me down. It took me the rest of the summer and a couple months into my sophomore year before I finally got the hint and accepted that he wasn't coming back.

Now that I think back on this... I have just realized that I don't think I really ever forgave him. I'm still angry about his betrayal. But again, this isn't the point. Moving on...

Since Vance, there have been a few more people who've affected meas he did. And by few, I mean one... maybe two. And these few betrayed me as well. And, by betrayed, I mean they went against my expectations. They followed their own desires rather than what I wanted.

As humans, we tend to place expectations on people - especially people we care about, those we trust and/or love. And these expectations are almost always unrealistic. We expect people to be faithful to us. We expect them to be there when we're hurting. We expect them to support us emotionally. We expect them to not hurt us or betray us. We expect them to not leave. We expect them to put our desires first. But, no one can hold to all these expectations all the time.

We need to learn to let go of expectations of people, and accept that others will hurt us from time to time.

There is only one place to put those expectations where we will not be disappointed - provided we don't make those expectations unrealistic.

We can place expectations in God. I'm not talking about expecting him to grant our every whim and desire. I'm talking about expecting him to love us unconditionally. I'm talking about expecting our sins to be forgiven through the sacrifice of his son. I'm talking about expecting him to be there beside us, lifting us up, through good times and especially bad.

God will not betray us. He will not leave us. He will not choose his own selfish desires over our needs. So, "Put your expectations on God - not on people" (Joyce Meyer).