Through the Fog

The fog has grown dense. I cannot see the trail in front of me, nor behind me.

I do not know if the monster which has been stalking and attacking me the past few weeks has finally moved on, or if he is hiding behind the trees, waiting to attack yet again.

Fear grabs hold as I realize I cannot see if God is here with me. I cannot feel His presence, though I try to trust that He walks beside me.

Uncertainty of what lies ahead slows my steps, my heart quickening, my breath shaky. Where does this pathway lead? Am I even on the right one, or have I somehow wandered off the path, to be lost and wandering forever?

Tears threaten to slip from my eyes, to mingle with the fog. I am lost. Unable to find the path, or my Lord, or myself. Frustrated in the knowledge that I have no knowledge of if or when this fog will lift, giving me back some clarity.

What if it never lifts? What if this is what it will be like for the rest of my days? Waiting on that monster, constantly uncertain if there is light somewhere, forever unsure if I am not alone, always frightened.

Please Lord, help me to trust in Your presence, and that you will see me safely through this fog.

The (not so) Evil of Emotions

How are you feeling today?

As a child, I hated emotions. I tried to cut all of them out (including the good ones). Depression and anger tended to hang around a lot, though. We often had family therapists come into our home. One, in particular, I despised. He'd come over once a week and immediately pull out a poster with a bunch of faces displaying different emotions. "So Brandi, how are you feeling today?" My response was generally "I'm pissed off!" to which he'd ask why. My answer was simple, but always formed as a question - "Because you're here?" I hated therapy sessions with him. I hated him. And I truly hated that stupid poster. He'd always give some "it's ok to be angry. Let's talk about it," reply, which I hated.

There is very little that is more infuriating then expressing complete anger at someone and having them say "I understand you're angry with me. That's ok," in that calm tone. It's even more infuriating when you know that what comes next is this person trying to make you see that you shouldn't be angry. Anger is bad.

Emotions are evil

How many times, just in the past week, have you seen memes or statuses online that say something like this:

- it's wrong to fear
- love isn't an emotion
- anger is a sin
- depression is a lack of spirituality?

If you're anything like me (i.e. online 90% of the day), you see several of these a day. It seems to be a common belief that we are not supposed to be emotional creatures - emotions are a product of sin and/or a cause of sin. God does not want us to be emotional. God doesn't want us to fear (unless of course we're fearing Him... which is a whole other topic). He doesn't want us to love with our hearts. Anger is murder (ok so yes, this one has a biblical reference to it, but... well.... just keep reading...). And depression? No! No! No! There is absolutely no way a real Christian would feel this.

If you're anything like me, these memes, statuses and comments drive you nuts.

Even God is Emotional!

I'm sorry - but just because I believe in God and follow Christ doesn't mean I don't feel emotions. Sometimes, very strong emotions. And, just because I feel these strong emotions does not mean I am not filled with the Holy Spirit. Emotions are very much a part of us. Even God has emotions.

Anger, love, jealousy, grief, joy - God displayed all these emotions (and probably others) at various times within the Bible. The Bible also states that we were made in His image. Maybe I'm completely off base with my thinking here... but it just doesn't make sense to say He has emotions, and we're created in His image, but emotions are brought on by sin.

This doesn't mean emotions can't be bad...

The true bad of emotions

1. Making blanket statements about emotions being wrong, is wrong. 

This is especially true when told to a child. We tell our boys that they're acting like a girl if they cry. We criticize girls when they get moody. We tell our children they aren't supposed to get angry or jealous. There's something wrong with them if they're depressed. Basically - we're telling people it's bad to be human. We're shaming (another emotion) people into not feeling emotions. Which, of course, will eventually create a lot of angry, depressed people. Yup. That works. Almost.

And by the way, if you take that a step further (or step back) to the concept that we're created in God's image... we're basically telling God He's wrong.

2. Emotions to an extreme have the potential of being bad (and just really aren't fun)

Anger left unchecked leads to broken relationships at best, and murder at worst. Or, perhaps it's best to say that anger left unchecked leads to murder (whether murder of the relationship (including a relationship with God), or physical murder of the person(s)).

Depression left unchecked can lead to a broken relationship with God, or others, or suicide. Jealousy can lead to anger and/or depression. Even joy to an extreme or love for the wrong things/in the wrong way can be bad.

How do we keep emotions from being bad? 

The trick isn't to kill emotions. It isn't to lump all emotions into the category "bad" and turn all humans into Vulcans (although Spock is a cool character in Star Trek - could you image a world of only Spocks?). What we should be doing is teaching our children how to deal with emotions. We should be teaching ourselves how to deal with emotions.

How do we do this? Heck if I know... I tend to be overly emotional, and struggle daily to keep my emotions from running amok. But, I will attempt to cover what I've learned in another article. Until then, if anyone has anything they want to share on how they keep their emotions from overflowing too much - or just flat out wants to disagree with me on my notion that it isn't wrong to feel fear, anger, love, joy, grief, etc - please comment.

God bless!

You Can't Scare Someone to Love

If you don't wake up and start believing now, this fiery pit will be your eternity!

Well now, that just makes me want to pick up my cross and follow Christ. I'm suddenly overwhelmed with love for Him. I have this incredible desire now to embrace our Lord and Savior; and to go out into the world and proclaim all He has done for me.

Wait... what has He done for me? Oh yes... He hasn't done anything. I have. By fearing Him so immensely, I have saved myself from that fiery pit. Thank Me!

Fear as a motivator

I don't think too many people would argue that fear can be a great motivator. We fear prison, so we don't break the law; we fear punishment from parents, so we don't break their rules; we fear death, so we avoid stupid, dangerous activities.

Fear has it's good points, although, I could argue that we shouldn't be using fear as our motivator for some of this. We shouldn't break the law - not out of fear, but out of love for others. We shouldn't break our parents' rules - not out of fear, but out of love for them. And well, we just should avoid stupid, dangerous activities because they're stupid and dangerous (this, I'd say is one where fear comes in pretty handy - and some people should probably have a bit more of it...).

There is nothing wrong with fear as a motivator in some cases. However, fear should never be a motivator when it comes to loving others or loving God. It cannot be a motivator in these cases.

You cannot scare someone to love!

You can scare someone to stick around. You can scare someone to "follow" you. You can scare someone to obedience. You can scare someone into claiming to be a follower of Christ.

You cannot scare someone to truly love you. Love leaves no room for fear - and fear leaves no room for love. They cannot coexist. I can't say I love you because I am afraid you'll beat me. I can't say I am afraid you'll beat me, therefore I love you.

You cannot fully embrace and love God if you're doing so because of a fear of hell, or His wrath. I can't say I truly love and embrace God because He'll make me suffer for eternity if I don't. That isn't love.

I don't love God because I fear Him. I love God because He first loved me.

Behind the Scenes of The Condemned House

I just posted the 6th installment of The Condemned House (which, is actually only a 5th installment as the 1st post was more just a preface to the series) and realized that I need to write another post. This one really isn't part of the series - more just a bit of behind the scenes rambling I feel compelled to put out there. It's a personal rambling, rather than holding any educational value whatsoever.

Of course, there are some who don't find any of what I write to be educational whatsoever. It's all just emotional babble from an emotional girl. There's no substance or meaning to it. There's no scholarly value to it. Perhaps he's right.

But, I'm slipping off the path here. Allow me to meander back onto it...

In the beginning...

As I stated in the first post on The Condemned Heart, the series started because of a Bible study, in which the question was posed "what do you think of when you think of a house with a condemned sign?" and then related this to our hearts.

This study has stuck with me. It's nailed itself to my heart and mind. It made me stop in my tracks. It made me cry. It made me take a very hard look at myself.

I'm broken. 

Yes, I've always known this. I've said it time and again. But I don't think I have ever given it more than just a quick glance and a "yup, I'm broken."

Each post I've written in this series has brought a lot to the surface. I have perhaps only written 1% of what I've been thinking. All the ways I've been abused, and used, and hurt, and broken - all swam to the surface. All the ways in which I've used these as excuses to keep people away, to hurt others, to hide - all swam to the surface.

• Trust
• Fear
• Christian Lies
• Love
• Relationships

These are the subjects I've written on so far. These are topics which, in my opinion, are vital to building healthy hearts and a healthy relationship with Christ. There are more topics as well... perhaps many more. But for now... these 5...

Fear and Christian lies are two things which damage our hearts and relationship with God. Fear keeps the Holy Spirit away; and the lies we are taught about God keep us from wanting to grow closer to Him. I've known this for years... but it never truly hit me how true this is until I started this series. Each day I find more ways in which these two topics pull me from God.

Trust, love and relationships - these all tie together. But are three things I have had the most difficulty with, and still do. Growing up, I learned quickly "Never trust, never cry, never love." (Note: Crying/vulnerability will most likely be another topic). And again, I have known these "rules" can be harmful to my relationship with God. But again, I did not realize the extent until I started writing.

Still slip into learned behavior

Even now, even in the midst of writing this series and examining my heart, I find myself slipping into behaviors which will keep that condemned sign nailed to my heart. I find myself reacting to my own personal expectations of people, distrusting them. Questioning that distrust. Questioning the perceived betrayal.

Reread the second paragraph of this post. This is a good example. Is it me trying to keep someone at arms length? Is it me honestly being hurt by this person? Is this one of those relationships I should toss to the side? I know I do not draw this person closer to God... does he pull me from God? Or is this just a lack of trust on my part, and fear creeping in and taking over?

Rebuilding a Condemned House is a continuous project

While I didn't outright say it, it was in the back of my mind when I started writing this series: this will help me fix my brokenness, and then all will be good.

Ha!

I'm quickly realizing just how wrong I was in thinking that. Yes... writing this will help. God is working with me as these words hit the computer screen. He is working with me even when I am not writing. He is trying to heal me and my brokenness... just as He has been trying to do all along. And, sometimes I work with him. More often than not, however, I find myself working against Him. He says "trust me"... I hesitantly say "ok..." He says "trust this person"... I quickly say "heck no!".  He tells me to love my neighbor... I agree. He tells me to forgive and actually care for those who hurt me... I tell Him to bite me.

Oh yes, I do fear it will take quite some time to fix my brokenness. Quite honestly, I don't think it will ever be fixed in this lifetime. It will be a continuous project. I am just so thankful that we have a God willing to take that time... a God who is ever patient with us when we fight against His will.

For all the rest of you in the process of working on your condemned houses with God - always remember, He is still there and He will always be there. God bless!

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies
The Condemned House - Supported by Love 
The Condemned House - Salvageable Relationships

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

Catch up on the first two parts of this series! The Condemned House, and The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust


I remember the hairs on the back of my neck raising when he stood behind me, asking such insanely personal questions such as "how are you doing?"

I remember crawling to the back of my closet in the dark, breaking down in the silence.

I remember hating someone, and doing everything in my power to get this person to go away. I remember realizing I love this person, and doing everything in my power to get this person to go away.

I remember apologizing for not being strong enough. I remember apologizing for not being vulnerable enough.

I remember not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being pretty enough, not being nice enough, not being giving enough, not being strong enough in faith, not being perfect enough, not being...

The Secret Room

During my teenage years, my family lived in a 120-year old house. My bedroom for the first year or two living there was on the main floor. It was a pretty cool room, with it's own secrets. One of these secrets was an adjoining room. When I first moved into the bedroom, there was an odd piece of wall paneling nailed to the existing wall. Deciding to remodel, I pulled down this panel, and found a locked, nailed-shut door. Managing to get through that door, I found the room.

That secret room was me. The roof was caving in in one corner. The radiator was broken and laying in a pile of dirt and leaves. There was writing on the wall and moth balls in the closet. And other than these few things, the room was empty. Lonely. And yet strangely safe, hidden behind multiple walls and a locked, nailed-shut door.

Fear Builds Walls

It's amazing how little time it takes to build a wall - how little energy it takes. It's almost as if I have a stack of prefabricated walls stacked up in the corner just waiting for me to need to erect them.

So what is it that brings about this need to erect walls? What makes a secret, abandoned, lonely, empty room so safe and appealing?

Fear.

Fear of failure, success, the future, the past, the unknown, the known, disappointment, love, pain, loneliness, togetherness, not being enough, crying, intimacy...

I could write a book on all the things I'm afraid of. I could write a full set of encyclopedias on all these fears, and the walls they built, and the walls they keep erected. I could write a book about that secret room. Although, I really don't think I'd be able to do that - just the thought of writing about that one secret room has me trembling in fear, near tears, and feeling insanely vulnerable and wanting to throw up walls.

Fear - Satan's Favorite Tool

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18)

Have you ever noticed how fear just seems to grip us, and grow, and occupy all our time and thoughts? We worry about money issues, and if our children are safe and well-adjusted. We get scared of illness, and death, and our futures. All these thoughts and worries and concerns overtake our thoughts to the point where we start to ignore God and His desires for us. We start to unintentionally push the Holy Spirit out.

We get scared of love, of closeness, of being hurt by other people. We fear intimacy, knowing it makes us vulnerable. We worry about being hurt by others; about having our hearts broken again. All these fears cause us to erect walls, keeping away people, not letting them hurt us... but also not allowing love to enter.

God wants us to love, and wants us to learn to love the way He loves. We can't do this if we're consistently filled with fear. We can't do this if we're constantly hiding in our own secret rooms that are hidden by layers of walls and locked doors. Satan knows this, and uses this.

We must stop fear from erecting walls that keep us from loving and being loved. We must learn to pull down existing walls that are keeping us from loving and being loved. 

Love Me Or I'll Kill You!

"Love me or I'll kill you"

I can't help think of some really creepy suspense thriller... or that one friend I used to have...

But did you know, a lot of people think this is God? That God is some psychotic selfish killer?

We must love God or we'll go to Hell. We must obey God, or His wrath will rain down upon  us. We must embrace all that is the Lord, or He will cause torment and pain in our lives.

If things go badly for us - our spouse dies, our home burns to the ground, our child becomes very ill - it's because we aren't praying hard enough. Or it's because it's God's plan. Or it's because we don't have enough faith in the Lord.

People say we are to fear God - but that this fear means to respect and honor Him. But then go on to discuss his wrath, and the deadly consequences of not obeying Him. This isn't a respect based fear. This is definitely not a love based fear. This is a "You will obey, or you will die!" fear.

And then, after telling us all of this... they tell us God loves us and we should love Him....

.......

uhhh... ummmm.....

.....

My parents used to beat me. As they were kicking me in the ribs, or punching me in the face, or throwing me against a wall, or pulling me down the stairs by my hair, or... (well, you get the point)... they'd be telling me "I'm only doing this because I love you."

And, if we didn't utter the phrase "I love you, too"... well, let's just say it was never very pretty.

So basically, when you say everything I listed above in regards to God - that He causes us pain because we aren't praying enough or don't have enough faith... that His wrath will rain down on us if we don't obey... that we MUST love him or die....

You're telling me that God is nothing more than an abusive father.

I'm sorry if this upsets anyone... but if this is your definition of love... then I truly do pray for you. If this is your definition of love... I pray for your children and spouses and loved ones. If this is your definition of love... then I beg you - please do NOT love me.

----

Thank you Lord for loving me for who and what I am - a sinner who follows you out of deep love and respect, not out of fear of your wrath.

Safe Haven

Last night I was feeling under the weather. Despite having slept for a few hours earlier in the evening, I was exhausted again by 10pm. Deciding to turn in early, I went to make sure our dogs were taken care of. I couldn't find the older one.

Eventually I located her - curled up in my room, next to my spot. She never goes in my room - unless it's going to storm. Then, it's her safe haven. So, I ventured outside with the puppy... and sure enough, lightning was starting to be visible.Shortly after getting the puppy settled into her spot, the thunder started. The older dog tucked herself further away from the door of the room, and the younger one started whimpering and trembling uncontrollably.

I unleashed the puppy, and brought her into my bed with me. Usually, being in my bed means running around and trying to dig a hole in my mattress. But last night, she licked my face, then curled up as close to me as she could get. As I wrapped my arms around her, the trembling stopped.

Sometimes, this is what we need. I know people say that with God, there is no need to fear. Fear not for he is with us. But when the storm comes, how easily we forget this. And how little it can sometimes mean. Don't take that the wrong way - having God in our lives can definitely help ease fear. But there are times when we need more than that. We need the physical representation of God's love. We need the physical representation of God's arms around us. We all need a physical safe haven - somewhere we can hide from the storm.

There is nothing wrong with needing a safe haven... or with being someone's safe haven. I believe this is part of our responsibilities towards each other - to be the physical representation of God's love. When we are told to love each other as God loves us - does God not love us by easing our fears? By giving us shelter from the storm?

May we all learn to be this representation - this shelter - to those who are afraid. May we all help ease their fears in God's name.

Lost Child?

Luke 2:49 He said to them, "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"

It was either Thanksgiving or Easter, although I can't recall for certain which, about 8 years ago. We were celebrating the holiday as we usually did at my in-laws. We lived only a block from their home. We still do... just in a different house now. Being so close to them makes holidays very easy for us. If my husband is ill, or if the kids, when they were younger, needed naps, we could just run home for a bit.

This is what happened that day. My husband was feeling sick so he had gone home. My youngest, only a year and a half old or so at the time, was in dire need of a nap. So, I brought him home to his dad. After making sure the two of them were settled in, I went back to the festivities. After a couple hours, I decided to go back home to check on them. My husband was sound asleep on the couch. And my son... was missing.

I ran through the house, calling his name, checking in every room, under every bed. If you've ever lost a child, you know the panic that goes through your entire soul. I woke up my husband frantically, then continued on in my search. I finally noticed our back door was slightly open. My heart stopped. My baby had gotten outside. Granted, this is a small town, if anyone had found him they would know who he belonged to. But at that heart-stopping moment, I didn't think of this. Every horrible possibility went through my mind in the blink of an eye.

Finally I saw the flash of gray camouflage - the t-shirt he'd been wearing - in a yard a couple houses away. I screamed his name, running towards him as he stopped and put his arms out to me. I was relieved, and furious, and everything else imaginable. He started crying as I wrapped him in my arms, my own tears falling as I scolded him for leaving the house.

In his broken speech, he let me know that he'd  been trying to go back to Grandma's... he'd been trying to find me.

In Luke 2:41-49, we find Jesus' parents in a similar situation. Jesus had gone missing. Of course, he was 12, not under 2, but the feeling his parents went through, I'm certain was no different than those I experienced. After searching for him, they finally found him in a temple. His mother scolded him... "Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety."

His response to her was  "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"

There is such an innocence that can be found in that response... a simple logic that can only come from a child. In both my own experience, and in this scripture, the children couldn't understand the parents' reaction - after all, in my son's case - he was trying to find his mom; and in Jesus' case - he went to his Father's house.

Of course, in those days, a 12 year old boy was almost a man. He was maturing, and understanding more of what was expected of him. And in Jesus' case, he was beginning to understand his purpose. He understood that while Joseph was his earthly father, God was his father. And to learn what it was he was doing - that he was sitting with teachers, learning and asking questions - this shows a wisdom I don't think any of us would ever expect or see in our own 12 year old children.

You see two parents who are quite normal - even to the point of freaking out when their child goes missing. But then you see a 12 year old Jesus who is showing he is not normal. Or at least, not normal in the eyes of his parents and the temple teachers.

-------------------------------------

If you think about this story metaphorically...(or perhaps as it's intended... what do I know)...

As parents, we see our children's paths a certain way. We believe they will follow us, or at least follow where we want them to go. However, as most parents have come to find, this is often not the case. Children have their own path. They find their own path home. But, like most of us, this path to their own true home is what they're seeking, and the road they're taking. We can either nurture that, or fight it... but, I've come to learn that fighting it doesn't work all that well.