God has a Plan My A$$

A parent gets cancer.
A child gets pregnant.
A spouse gets sicker.
A self drowns in depression.
A loved one dies.
A couple drown in debt.

But it's ok! Just hold on. God knows what's He's doing. He has a plan. All your torment and suffering and worry and grief are part of this plan.

Comforting words, aren't they?

Just have more faith. Just trust in God's will. Just keep holding on. Just pray more. Just get more people to pray. It'll all be okay.

Yup, sure. Thanks for the advice.

Have you ever felt this way? You hear the beautiful words of comfort from friends and loved ones. They tell you they're praying for you. You know they're praying for you. But you can't help but think...

"God has a plan, my ass!"

Yup, that's right, I said it. And call me whatever you want for saying/thinking it, but I'd say everyone whom has suffered one hardship after another has felt this way - even if only for a very brief moment before they smacked themselves upside the head for such a horrific thought. Before the guilt settles in for the lack of faith in, and unwavering love for, God.

I truly am glad we have such a loving and forgiving God. With how many times I have questioned, and still question, God's ability to plan... I know I am still a beloved child of His. Granted, He'd probably like to ground me to my room or wash my mouth out with soap for my distrust, disrespect and disobedience. But, He loves me all the same - or so a trusted friend of mine keeps telling me. Of course, I also often question this friend... probably more often than I question God. But, I digress...

We all go through hard times... We all question God

At some point in all our lives, we're going to go through rough patches. Sometimes we have a "lucky" life, and these hard times aren't too serious (although, as most can probably attest, it isn't until after the rough patch that we recognize it wasn't too horrible). Sometimes we aren't so lucky, and we're plagued with something more serious, or a series of rough moments. Sometimes our way is paved with rocky terrain for miles... or for the entire trip.

During these rocky miles, we often find ourselves starting out by clinging to our faith. We pray fervently. We hold onto those offering prayers. We seek comfort and peace in the Lord. But eventually, especially when the road remains tough, and we've stumbled and skinned our knees repeatedly, we question God. We feel as though we're losing faith. All those sentiments that brought us comfort now make us scoff.

Something as beautiful as the Footprints in the Sand poem (you know... the one where the guy notices only one set of footprints during rough patches in his life, and the Lord tells him that's when He carried him?) becomes a mockery in our own minds. I mean, c'mon... He's God. He shouldn't have to carry us - He should be able to wave His magic wand and make the hard times go away all together.

It's Okay!

I've written on this topic before, and probably will again. Why? Because many people still say it is wrong to question God. It is wrong to be angry with Him. It is a sin that will send us to hell.

And I say - it's okay! God is tough. He can handle a little anger thrown His way. He can handle a lot of anger thrown His way. He can handle the cursing and biting remarks - the distrust, disrespect, and disobedience.

And, I think it's healthy. It's our way of dealing with life when life gets unbearable. It's our way of coping in a world full of pain and anguish and evil.

And in the end, when the terrain starts to even out again, we often find ourselves closer to God. So go for it - yell at God for a while. And then... when you're feeling a bit better... embrace Him back, as He has been embracing you the whole time.

Peace and comfort to you all..

Let Love be Genuine - Lesson from a Child

⁹ Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; ¹⁰ love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. ¹¹ Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord.¹² Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. (Romans 12:9-12 NRSV)

It's hard to believe it's been almost two weeks since I lost a man I've called Dad for the past 21 years - my father-in-law. In these two weeks, I've found myself withdrawing from people. I've skipped church. I've kept sympathy calls to a minimum. I've avoided visiting friends. I've had a hard time seeing and appreciating support from others. Other than trying to be there for my own immediate family and Mom, I've remained trapped in my own grief. 

A lesson in love (from a child... and it's only taken me 12 days to figure it out...)

The day after Dad's passing, a young boy - an 11 years old friend of my youngest son - came to my door. He said he needed to see my son, and then hugged me tight and simply said "I'm really sorry about Grandpa" to me. As soon as I retrieved my son, this young boy hugged him tight and repeated the sentiment, and told him if he needs anything, to call him. 

The next day, this young boy called. The day after that, he stopped over again, offering hugs. This continued through the week. One day, a week after Dad's passing, he called to ask if he could come over to hang out. I said yes, and just as I was about to hang up, he said "I'm really sorry, Brandi." His shaking voice brought tears to my eyes. I found out later that he had been doing the same thing for my mother-in-law. He'd jump on his bike, and go the few blocks to her place and mine, making sure we were all okay. 

The one thing I noticed immediately was that there was a heartbreaking sorrow and sincerity in this young boy's eyes. Dad wasn't biologically this boy's grandfather; but in the boy's heart - the one place that matters - he was, without a doubt, Grandpa. And even in this boy's own suffering and grief, he found the strength and courage to reach out to others he knew were also hurting. He pushed aside his own grief - or perhaps reacted from that grief - to be a little pillar of great strength to children and adults. 

I wish more loved like that (including myself)

I truly don't mean to insult anyone. I have had people supporting me. I've had them leave messages on Facebook, or text me, and one even called me to offer comforting words. I've had some reach out with hugs when we run into each other. I've gotten cards. 

But there was something about this child that pulled at my heartstrings. Complete selflessness, a desire to comfort another, a need to help however he could, and a follow-through on that desire and need - how many of us truly are like that? How many of us drop everything, especially in the midst of our own problems, to genuinely love and care for another? 

I know I don't. I'm selfish. I get wrapped up in my own family issues and grief and busyness. My "love others" tends to end at the door when I'm busy or depressed or overwhelmed with my own problems.

This isn't Christlike behavior. Christlike behavior would be to do as this young boy did. When Jesus was about to die, He did not think of Himself. He thought of others. He made sure His mother would be cared for. He assured the thief he'd be with Him in Paradise. He prayed for the forgiveness of those about to kill Him. At no time (that I know of, anyway) did Christ turn others away, or ignore the needs of others. At no time did He withhold love and comfort, even if He were grieving. 

How to love genuinely? 

Call a friend. Visit a friend. Bake a cake for a friend (brownies preferably... chocolate helps everything...). Remind a friend of your love, and especially of God's love. Pray. Serve. Pull away from your own sorrow and problems to help those who are also suffering. Don't do any of this because "it's the right thing" but do so out of true caring and love within your heart. 

During the funeral it was discussed how we should all be thankful during this time of grieving... that being thankful helps us win over depression - the two cannot survive at the same time. I'm not sure I fully agree with that, but I can agree that when you concentrate on the wonderful gifts you've been given, it is easier to move forward, and help others also get through their grief. 

And besides being eternally grateful for the time God granted me with Dad, I am also thankful for God sending this angel wrapped in a little boy's body to help remind me what genuine love is. 

God bless.

The (not so) Evil of Emotions

How are you feeling today?

As a child, I hated emotions. I tried to cut all of them out (including the good ones). Depression and anger tended to hang around a lot, though. We often had family therapists come into our home. One, in particular, I despised. He'd come over once a week and immediately pull out a poster with a bunch of faces displaying different emotions. "So Brandi, how are you feeling today?" My response was generally "I'm pissed off!" to which he'd ask why. My answer was simple, but always formed as a question - "Because you're here?" I hated therapy sessions with him. I hated him. And I truly hated that stupid poster. He'd always give some "it's ok to be angry. Let's talk about it," reply, which I hated.

There is very little that is more infuriating then expressing complete anger at someone and having them say "I understand you're angry with me. That's ok," in that calm tone. It's even more infuriating when you know that what comes next is this person trying to make you see that you shouldn't be angry. Anger is bad.

Emotions are evil

How many times, just in the past week, have you seen memes or statuses online that say something like this:

- it's wrong to fear
- love isn't an emotion
- anger is a sin
- depression is a lack of spirituality?

If you're anything like me (i.e. online 90% of the day), you see several of these a day. It seems to be a common belief that we are not supposed to be emotional creatures - emotions are a product of sin and/or a cause of sin. God does not want us to be emotional. God doesn't want us to fear (unless of course we're fearing Him... which is a whole other topic). He doesn't want us to love with our hearts. Anger is murder (ok so yes, this one has a biblical reference to it, but... well.... just keep reading...). And depression? No! No! No! There is absolutely no way a real Christian would feel this.

If you're anything like me, these memes, statuses and comments drive you nuts.

Even God is Emotional!

I'm sorry - but just because I believe in God and follow Christ doesn't mean I don't feel emotions. Sometimes, very strong emotions. And, just because I feel these strong emotions does not mean I am not filled with the Holy Spirit. Emotions are very much a part of us. Even God has emotions.

Anger, love, jealousy, grief, joy - God displayed all these emotions (and probably others) at various times within the Bible. The Bible also states that we were made in His image. Maybe I'm completely off base with my thinking here... but it just doesn't make sense to say He has emotions, and we're created in His image, but emotions are brought on by sin.

This doesn't mean emotions can't be bad...

The true bad of emotions

1. Making blanket statements about emotions being wrong, is wrong. 

This is especially true when told to a child. We tell our boys that they're acting like a girl if they cry. We criticize girls when they get moody. We tell our children they aren't supposed to get angry or jealous. There's something wrong with them if they're depressed. Basically - we're telling people it's bad to be human. We're shaming (another emotion) people into not feeling emotions. Which, of course, will eventually create a lot of angry, depressed people. Yup. That works. Almost.

And by the way, if you take that a step further (or step back) to the concept that we're created in God's image... we're basically telling God He's wrong.

2. Emotions to an extreme have the potential of being bad (and just really aren't fun)

Anger left unchecked leads to broken relationships at best, and murder at worst. Or, perhaps it's best to say that anger left unchecked leads to murder (whether murder of the relationship (including a relationship with God), or physical murder of the person(s)).

Depression left unchecked can lead to a broken relationship with God, or others, or suicide. Jealousy can lead to anger and/or depression. Even joy to an extreme or love for the wrong things/in the wrong way can be bad.

How do we keep emotions from being bad? 

The trick isn't to kill emotions. It isn't to lump all emotions into the category "bad" and turn all humans into Vulcans (although Spock is a cool character in Star Trek - could you image a world of only Spocks?). What we should be doing is teaching our children how to deal with emotions. We should be teaching ourselves how to deal with emotions.

How do we do this? Heck if I know... I tend to be overly emotional, and struggle daily to keep my emotions from running amok. But, I will attempt to cover what I've learned in another article. Until then, if anyone has anything they want to share on how they keep their emotions from overflowing too much - or just flat out wants to disagree with me on my notion that it isn't wrong to feel fear, anger, love, joy, grief, etc - please comment.

God bless!

Let Me Wallow in Despair - On Psalm 88

A few days ago, I added a blog post which was simply Psalm 88  with no explanation as to why I posted it. Today, I'd like to delve into this Psalm for a few moments.

Psalm 88 is the only Psalm in the Bible that has no hope attached to it. All the other laments, there was some sign of hope - some sign of God's presence. But not this one. Psalm 88 is someone in the pit of despair, crying out to God but feeling his cries are unheard; questioning God but feeling his questions are unanswered. It's someone feeling picked on and abused and abandoned by God.

I'm a Wallower this Time of Year

Ok, so I don't think "wallower" is a real word. But... those who know me know that Thanksgiving is a difficult time of year for me. I don't hide this fact. And, I know there are many others out there who  feel the same way. I've listened to people as they wallow in their own darkness, and they try to pull off statements of "but, I know God is here with me"... "God has a plan"... "God will give me comfort." Some believe this, even in their darkest hours. Most of us do not. Many say things like this because they feel they must. They feel they are sinning if they don't try to acknowledge the presence of God.

The way I see it? The reason I don't lie and say I know God is with me during these times? Because God can see into my heart. He knows my thoughts. He knows my fears. Lying to myself and saying God is with me.. He'll give me strength and comfort - God knows I don't believe this at this moment, and I am therefore essentially lying to God. God knows that during the Thanksgiving season, when many others are finding things to be thankful for, my thoughts resemble that of Psalm 88:

(bits and pieces from the hopeless Psalm  #88....)
I am overwhelmed with troubles
I am like one without strength.
I am like the slain whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
You have taken from me my closest friends
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
But I cry to you for help, Lord;
Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Why Do I Love this Psalm? 

Of all the Psalms, this Psalm of utter despair and darkness actually gives me the most hope. It shows me that it is ok to wallow in my own despair for a while. I don't have to say "I know you're with me God" if I don't believe it in that moment. I don't have to pretend to understand God's plan. I don't have to pretend to like God's plan. I don't have to pretend to be thankful.

And it actually reminds me that even in my darkest times, God really is there with me. I don't feel him. I don't believe it at the time or in the moment, but He is there.

There is a strange comfort and freedom in knowing that I don't have to pretend... that it is ok to just wallow.

Comforting the Wallowing

People don't always know how to comfort the person who is deeply seated in their own despair. They want to remind the person that God is with them - but the person doesn't believe it or want to hear it. This, of course, doesn't mean you shouldn't say these words. Just be prepared for the person to not see it. And allow them that opportunity. Remind them of Psalm 88 - that they don't have to find that hope right now. Pray they do find it... but don't make them feel they have to find it.

One of the most comforting things I was told during my wallowing in self-pity came from a dear friend of mine. He simply let me know "You don't need to be thankful, for the rest of us will do that part for you." Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let the person know it's ok to feel hopeless and thankless for a little while. In fact, I don't think this friend realizes it, but his words actually helped me find hope and something to be thankful for.

May the peace of Christ be with you all.

I Hate Funerals

This may seem like a rather "Duh!" thing to say that I hate funerals. I can't think of too many people who actually enjoy them. Funerals mean someone you care about has left this earth. Or someone close to someone you love. It means grief and hardship and tears - either from yourself or from someone you love.

Yesterday I attended my fourth funeral. Yes, while I have lost many people in my life, I have only been to 4 funerals. In general, I prefer to say my goodbyes in private - not in a funeral home or church. But, I did go to four - and these were more to be there for the family and friends still alive.

In all four of these cases, while I was close to 3 of the 4 who passed away, I was especially close to the family and friends of each of them. We had shared a lot of laughter and tears, hugs and prayers. And sitting in a funeral service, all you can do is watch each of these loved ones in visible pain. 

And this is what makes funerals difficult for me. It isn't just knowing I've lost someone. It's watching others whom I love in pain. I hate seeing people hurting. I hate knowing there really isn't much that can be said in that moment to make things ok. Yes, we offer condolences and hugs. We say those beautiful things like "he's in a better place now." But really... in that moment when we lose a cherished member of our family (this includes those close friends as well), we know they're in a better place. But that doesn't change the fact that they have left us. Yes, we know they're looking down on us. But that doesn't change the fact that we can no longer hold their hand or hear their voice.

What can you say to someone who has lost a spouse or a parent or a beloved friend? How can you help take some of that pain away? The truth is, in my opinion, there is nothing that can be said or done which will, in that moment, ease their suffering. However, what you say or do will be remembered - or, rather, the sentiment and love behind your actions will be remembered.  This is why the words you say aren't that important. The fact that you were there for them is what is important. Send a card, give them a hug, bake them a dish, offer to take care of their kids. And always remind them God is with them in this trying time. Yes, they may not believe it in that moment, but it's still good to hear.