Why Did We Close Our Eyes?

A couple years ago, I had the privilege of reading the most influential sermon I've seen or heard to date. Unfortunately, I'd skipped church that day, so didn't get to hear it - but the Pastor was kind enough to let me read it. And, every so often, I find myself rereading it.

Simply put, it was about a school shooting, and how such things can occur - how someone can get so desperate enough as to open fire in an elementary school. A few days ago, this sermon came to mind again, although in regards to a different occurrence. In particular, it was one simple question he had asked in that sermon that came to mind: "Why did we close our eyes to the needs of one of God’s children...?"

Keeping Others Blind

As many people realize, children and adults whom are in abusive situations, often hide what they're going through. Many people can't understand this. Why didn't you tell someone? Why don't you tell a trusted friend, teacher, pastor, etc?

Now, I can't speak for everyone, but for me.. as a child, I did allow myself to trust a few people enough with my story. And they did nothing (or, in some cases, made things worse). Having someone do nothing intensifies much of what we already feel - ashamed, scared, guilty, bad, and especially betrayed and distrustful. So, we get to a point where we hide what is happening.

We can't feel betrayed by one's lack of action if they don't know there is something to act upon. We don't ask ourselves, or them, why they closed their eyes to our needs. Why they turned their backs on us. Why they didn't care enough.

A couple days ago, I found out my few trusted friends did know (at least to a degree) my situation. And did nothing. And I was thrown right back into those days as a young child when I made the decision to never let myself be betrayed again.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not mad at these friends. My initial reaction was, of course, one of anger and betrayal. But, this was years ago. And it matters little now. But, it did bring to mind that sermon question once again... and made me ask it in regards to myself (because, I know I tend to close my eyes as well)...

"Why did we close our eyes to the needs of one of God’s children?"

Right now, someone you know is being abused or bullied. Someone is being told they're worthless, and a waste of space.

Right now, someone you care about is going without a meal. Someone has no roof over their head, or decent clothes on their backs.

Right now, someone you know is depressed, or grieving, or in pain. Someone is feeling lonely and unloved and unwanted.

Right now, someone you care about is hurting themselves, or contemplating suicide. Someone is wanting to strike out at others to release their own pain.

It's so easy to turn a blind eye to all of these things. We might whisper about these things in our little gossip groups - "hey, did you hear Jim lost his job. Those poor kids...". But that's as far as it goes. We don't go out and ask Jim what he needs. We don't reach out a hand. We don't even offer him encouragement. We pretend we don't see the hardship he's going through. When it comes to abuse, we don't even want to talk about that. To admit we see it would make us have to do something about it. So we close our eyes.

Stop Closing Your Eyes (and Hearts)!

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

How much less evil and hurt would there be in the world if we all made a commitment to open our eyes and our hearts? And, keep them open?

Maybe It's a Me Thing

Maybe it's just a me thing... 

When I was a preteen/teenager, I didn't deal well with my own high emotions (and those who know me, I hear you thinking "you still don't". Knock it off and keep reading...). Anger, hurt, rejection, fear... it was too much for me to handle. And so I took it out on things - usually trees. I'd punch them until the pain and anger subsided.

At times, and often subconsciously, I'd also strike out at people. Not physically, but emotionally/verbally. And throughout my life, I've often also found myself striking out at God. 

In my last post, I talked about how it's okay to question God and be angry with Him. And I do believe this.  While yes, the Bible does warn us about anger, anger is a natural emotion. We all feel it. We all find ways to express it. And this is okay, as long as you're not hurting anyone. Which brings me to my point...

Who are we really trying to hurt? 

When I punch a tree, the tree doesn't feel it. The tree can take it. But me? My knuckles end up scraped and hurting.

When I figuratively/emotionally punch a person, I choose someone whom I know won't feel it. I choose someone I know can take it. But me? Guilt, fear, and loneliness often follow.

When I strike out at God, it doesn't faze Him. He's God. He can take it. But me? With each attack on God, I find myself slipping further away from Him.

I choose to strike out when I know the only thing being hurt is myself.

Self-loathing = Pride?

I used to get irritated by people who were so full of pride in themselves. Didn't they know that pride is a sin? It's selfish, self-centered, and just plain annoying. Thank God I wasn't like that.

Instead, I'm a horrible person. I'm bad. I'm a sinner. I can never be good enough. I can never do enough good. I hate who I am. I hate how I am. I deserve the pain I inflict on myself. I... I... I...

am selfish and self-centered (and probably just plain annoying).

The point of this post...

There isn't one. It's just a personal rambling because I realized that the things, people and God I beat on don't feel it. They don't care. All I'm doing is hurting myself and driving myself further into my own little world of isolation, and driving myself further from God.

It's a me thing.

Love Hurts??? (PS - That is Not Love!)

I've been on an abuse kick with the writing lately. Listening to stories from friends, remembering my own stories... it's a topic that really is so much closer to each of us than any of us want to see or admit.

Child abuse, domestic abuse, spousal abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, rape, molestation, neglect....

For most of this post, when I say "abuse", I mean any and all of the above. While different in nature, they're all the same thing (Spoiler alert: this "same thing" is NOT love).

Tonight, I knew I wanted to write about this topic again. So, I jumped online and started searching for a Bible verse I know exists - one about how we shouldn't cause harm to others; and another on how husbands should not be harsh with their wives. But instead, I found this verse, being used to support the abuse of wives...

Blows that wound cleanse away evil; beatings make clean the innermost parts. (Proverbs 20:30)

Upon reading how this verse was being abused to give husbands permission to beat their wives; parents the right to beat their children; people in general the right to harm others - I closed my Bible software, closed my Bible Gateway website, and removed my Bible from my room. And then cried. 

I don't have the Bible memorized. I don't know specific verses (other than the rare few I recall from my required memorization in Confirmation classes). But I do know that the Bible is not about causing harm to others. It is not about proving you're better/stronger than someone else. It is not about bruising someone you consider yourself lord over. 

The Bible is about God's love for us. And abuse is NOT love. I don't care how you slice it. I don't care what twisted wordplay you try - it is not love. Love doesn't hurt. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say, hurt is never caused out of love. 

And this doesn't just go for physical abuse. Time and again I see people posting things about how the truth hurts... and that we do this because we love others. We're obligated to judge others and tell them they are going to hell.... because we love them. We're allowed to turn people away from the church, and our arms, because they are sinners or non-believers or whatever the case may be.... but, these people claim they are acting this way out of love. 

Come on people. Do you even know what love means? Have you been so abused your whole life that you don't recognize the truth in love? Hell, I HAVE been abused and at least I can recognize what is love and what isn't... and abuse NEVER is!!!

Love is NOT hurt. It is not pain. Not intentional anyway. Any hurt intentionally done to someone else... regardless of the reason... is NOT love!

Necessary Forgiveness - Unnecessary Repentance

So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. (Luke 17:3)

Put yourself back in time to when you were in grade school.... One of your best friends is about to have a birthday party. Her mom tells her she can invite one person to spend the night. You're so excited! You're going to stay up all night watching movies and eating junk food. And then you find out...

You aren't the one who's going to have that fun. Your "friend" invited someone else instead. She invited the girl she'd been friends with since she was 2... the girl who was her best friend. Not you.

Your feelings are hurt. You'd really thought she'd invite you instead. Of course, it makes sense why she didn't... but it still hurt. She never apologizes. Of course, she didn't really do anything wrong to apologize for. And yet, her lack of acknowledgment that she hurt your feelings starts to gnaw on you more and more with each passing day. Your hurt feelings turn to feelings of anger. You want to forgive her... but she hasn't repented. You want to forgive her... but she didn't do anything wrong.... at least, in her mind.

Soon, those feelings of anger turn to feelings of hatred and resentment. The mere mention of her name makes that hurt come rushing back. There is a part of you that wants to continue being friends with her, but your heart is so tarnished with hate because of this one incident that you find yourself unable to be a true friend. You find yourself wanting to hurt her back. You find yourself unable to forgive.

-----

Jesus says we are to forgive those who repent to us. He goes on in Luke 17 to say that if that same brother or sister sins against you seven times in one day... and seven times comes back to you and repents... forgive him every time. There is no question about this. Forgive!

But what about those times when your brother or sister does not repent, simply because he or she didn't truly do anything wrong. Yes, your feelings were hurt by their actions, but their actions were not wrong, and were not against you. There truly is no reason for them to repent - there is nothing to repent for. What then?

I think, for the most part, most of us as Christians are capable of forgiving. If I talk about you behind your back, then come and apologize, you forgive me. If you start a fight with me, then apologize, I forgive you. It's all quite easy. Now of course, this isn't to say forgiveness is always easy...there are some actions much more difficult to forgive... but the simple things, we can usually let go of.

But, what about that friend who moves to another state, abandoning you? He didn't honestly abandon you. He had to follow his own path. And yet, like the child who didn't invite you to the sleep over, this person's actions hurt your feelings. There was nothing truly for him to apologize for, and yet his lack of apology makes it difficult for you to forgive. And because you have not forgiven, those hurt feelings escalate, slowly eating away at you and at your ability to love this friend.

-----

This is a type of situation which I have a difficult time with. If I were to say "I forgive you", I'm telling you that you did something wrong. But you didn't. Yet, if I don't forgive you, my feelings of betrayal and abandonment grow into anger, resentment, and eventually hate. But if I do tell you I forgive you - thus saying you committed some evil act against me - you may get angry with me for thinking this way of you. But, honestly, how can I forgive you for something you are not sorry for doing? And so the entire situation remains unresolved.

-----

But, setting aside the chasing of my own tail... forgiveness should not be conditional. It should not be dependent upon someone saying "I'm sorry." It's something each of us must make the conscious decision to do whenever someone does something wrong against us - whether this wrong is intentional or not; whether it's real or perceived. Forgiveness should come from the heart, and will help save the heart.

Don't wait for that friend to apologize for not inviting you to the sleepover... don't wait for her to apologize for something she did that hurt your feelings but in itself was not a wrong action.

When you don't forgive, hurt can quickly turn to hate. And hate can quickly destroy any potential beauty and love a friendship can produce. So, forgive. No matter what, no matter how often, forgive. And, while you're at it - forgive yourself for allowing that hurt to turn to hate...

"Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it." (unknown)

Rooms

Dr. House: Are you going to base your whole life on who you're stuck in a room with?
Eve the Patient: I'm going to base this moment on who I am stuck in a room with! It's what life is. It's a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are. ("One Day, One Room")

Last night I watched 8 hours of "House." Generally, while it's a good show, I don't really get into it. I can watch an episode or two... but not 8 hours. Dr. House tends to eventually get on a person's nerves. Nevertheless, I did watch it last night, and I saw an episode I have seen a few times before but had never really paid attention to. Last night, it really captured my attention, though.

For those who haven't seen it, the episode is in Season 3, and is called "One Day, One Room." Spoiler alert: A young woman comes into the clinic to be tested for STD's. House realizes the young lady has been raped, and tries to get out of treating her. But, she will only be seen/treated by him, and even tries to kill herself in an attempt to get his attention so he'll agree to help her/talk to her. It works. And from that point on, they have a constant struggle... House doesn't want to be there, Eve (the young woman) won't see anyone else; House wants her to tell him what happened, Eve just wants to talk about anything else; House thinks she should get an abortion, Eve insists she can't because abortion is murder and murder is a sin; and the list of conflicts goes on. And yet, they continue to have this relationship - this bickering back and forth.

This dialogue between the two of them is what caught my attention - particularly the lines above regarding life being a series of rooms.

"It's what life is. It's a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are."

Who would you want to be stuck in a room with? Of course, we generally don't get to choose who we get stuck in a room with. But, such as the case with the woman in the episode, sometimes you can choose. And you're going to want to be stuck in that room with people who help you, those who build you up rather than tear you down. For her, she wanted House in that room with her - she knew there was a pain within him that was similar to her own, and believed that he was what was best for her at that given time.

But, on the same hand, sometimes we need to be stuck in a room with those who need our help. There are those whom we can help build up. There are those who need us for at least a moment - "one day, one room."

And what about those times when we don't get to choose? We get tossed in a room with people who don't seem to care, who hurt us and want to tear us down. We need to make the most of these times. We need to offer our prayers and love and take the opportunity to show God's love to these people. We need to welcome these moments and these people into the room with us. Every person, every moment, every room has the potential to make our life better and more fulfilling. They also have the potential of making our lives more miserable and painful. It's all in what we choose to do with these moments, these people, these rooms.

It's also important to note that who we are stuck with in one room may not be the same as the next room. How many of us have had people we love, those who've changed our lives for the better, those who've helped us out when we needed them in that moment, only to have them leave the next day (or month)? It hurts, but when someone is stuck in a room with us who makes such an impact, while they may no longer be in the room in the future, the memories they bring and the love they give and the lessons they teach - those shape who we become. This is the same for those who bring us pain - but this shouldn't be looked on as a bad thing. All lessons and memories, whether good or bad, shape us. It is up to us how we let those memories shape us - do they mold us into something jagged and ugly, or do they turn us into something softer, more lovely and loving?

With all I have been through in my life, I can honestly say that I appreciate every room I've been in, and every person I have been stuck with in those rooms. No, they haven't all been good rooms or good people. There have been dungeons and abusive masters. There have been deep dark wells, where the only person in the room is myself. But, these dungeons and dark wells have shaped who I am today, for better or worse, and have been instrumental in teaching me how to live and love.

Eve: [discussing abortion] Every life is sacred.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, talk to me! Don't quote bumper-stickers! 

Dr. House, upon finding out Eve was pregnant from her rapist, tries to talk her into abortion. She is very adamant that she can't have the abortion because it's against God. But this is her only argument. She doesn't go much further than saying "every life is sacred." House's reply is a reply I have often had when it comes to religion. "Don't quote bumper-stickers!" Belief in God shouldn't be just a bumper sticker. You shouldn't just quote religion or the Bible. You need to feel it. You need to know it and believe what you're saying. You need to explain, at least to yourself, why life is sacred, and why abortion shouldn't happen - and not just from a medical standpoint. What does it all mean to you?

Just telling me "God loves you" isn't always enough. I sang "Jesus loves me" in Sunday School. On a good day, I know God loves me. But on a bad day... on a day when I'm depressed and hurting, tell me why. Why does he love me? How does he love me? Why should I believe it? Don't just quote a bumper sticker.


There are many other quotes from this one episode which are thought provoking...

On dealing with pain:

Eve: Time changes everything.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what people say, it's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.

On judging others:

Dr. Gregory House: I'm wearing a rumpled shirt and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You have Athlete's Foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.

On how to help someone going through a traumatic experience:

Dr. Wilson: Tell her the truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Cut to Cameron] Tell her your life has been good.
Dr. Gregory House: It hasn't been.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope. She wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. Things can be okay, which means maybe they can be okay for her again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Cut to Foreman] Tell her your life sucked.
Dr. Gregory House: It didn't.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know she's gonna survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's gonna heal. Act like... you healed.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Cut to Chase] Tell her... Keep her asleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.

Not really helpful...I just like this one:

House: I'm evil.
Eve: Evil people don't say they're evil.
House: That sounds like an easy loophole.

Just a good quote on mankind:

House: We are selfish based animals crawling across the earth, but 'cause we've got brains, if we try really hard, we can usually aspire to something that is less than pure evil.

Again, just another one I like. But, it is a good one on where to put your focus when helping someone:

Eve: Do you think the guy who did this to me feels bad?
House: That'll help you? It'll make you feel better?
Eve: Why do you always do that? Ask why I'm asking questions instead of just answering the question?
House: Because the answer doesn't interest me. I don't care what he's feeling. I'm interested in what you're feeling.

Pushing Past Rejection

Luke 10:16 - “Whoever listens to you listens to me; whoever rejects you rejects me; but whoever rejects me rejects him who sent me.”

Feeling rejected is something we all feel from time to time, some of us more than others. And, most of us have made someone else feel this way at one point or another - whether intentionally or nor. I know I have. I have seen the look of rejection and dejection on my children's faces before, often times when they feel I prefer one of their siblings ideas more, or if they believe I would rather spend my time with one of their siblings. I have never intentionally tried to make any of them feel this way, but I know I have.

And I know others have often been the cause of me feeling this way. Whether or not it is intentionally done, I cannot say. I would like to think that it is not intentional. But either way, it hurts. And when this rejection comes at a time when we are trying to do what we believe we are being called to do? This makes that rejection so much worse. And yet, while it does hurt, I find myself not wanting to dwell on it, but currently unable to push past it. It seems so selfish to concentrate on this rejection now, and yet, it's not easy to push past something which feels like a very personal attack against my very core.

I have never fully been accepted by social groups. Growing up, I was rejected by the popular kids, and by the nerds, and by the jocks, and by any other clique. I had a close friend or two, but never fit in when there was more than this one or two friends - even if that one or two was part of the group. his was the same when I went to college. Don't get me wrong - I made some wonderful friendships there... friendships which are still alive today, 20 years later. But I never fit in with these friends' groups. I always felt rejected by them.

This has been a recurring theme. And now? I have lived in this community for ten years, and I still feel marginalized. I still feel rejected. I am not of any importance in this town, and hold no power of any sort, and therefore my ideas and feelings are of no value. I have lived with this knowledge for some time, and shrugged it off. But lately, and especially today, I find this truth more difficult to bear.

As I stated in a prior entry, I feel like God is calling on me. He has a purpose for me... a path he wants me on... a journey and task(s) that I need to take care of. And I want to. I wish I knew exactly what it is he is asking of me, but I am trying to open myself up and trust in him. And, I am trying to become more active in the church. I want to be more active. I want to help out and reach out. And, I am not welcome. Today, to be so outright snubbed, by various people and for various reasons - it has me feeling so rejected. So dejected. It has me wondering if maybe I am not doing the right thing. Maybe I should not be opening myself up. Maybe I do belong on the outside looking in. I do not know if these rejections were intentional or not - as one came from someone whom I would almost consider a friend, I would like to hope it was not intentional, but I don't know.

Granted, I don't expect everyone to like me. And if I were trying to completely change the church and how it is run, I could understand a little rejection. But this is nothing like that. And today was not the first and only day. It's always been there. Today, I just noticed it much more. Perhaps it's because I felt my daughter was also subject to this rejection, which has only increased the feeling that maybe I should just crawl back into my hole.

I found a very good article on rejection - it explains why rejection hurts, and how those who were abused and rejected as children have a very difficult time with rejection (and perceived rejection). And it explains why we shouldn't allow ourselves to react to rejection. For those looking for a good bible study: http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/rejection.php.

 Basically, when we feel rejected, we need to remember: God doesn't reject us. He never rejects us. He will never reject us. Therefore, what does it matter if anyone else does? Of course, this is much easier said than done. But, I have a job to do, in God's name. And I must find the courage to push through, and the wisdom to work around (if not with) those who wish to marginalize me. I pray God gives me this courage and wisdom.