Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I Have a 'Thing' For Pastors

I have come to realize I have a "thing" for pastors. And I have for quite some time, though I have only recently realized this. I am attracted to that collar. If they're wearing that (or, I know they could be), I lust for them - for what they have to offer. I desire it. I need it. I get on my knees for it.

In recent weeks and months, things have grown a little clearer for me. I used to recall the betrayal of a pastor, and feed off that. I used that as an excuse to dislike and distrust the church. Yes, I had a pastor betray my trust. But this was a single incident, and is not my only experience with pastors.

Now, with the blinders off, I can remember the years prior to that betrayal, and the years after. I remember being that odd child who sat in the front pew feeding off every word the minister uttered. I remember feverishly taking notes on the sermon... even when it wasn't required for my confirmation class. I remember writing essays as a teenager on various religious topics just because I felt like it.

Somewhere between that being that child starving for salvation, and now, I got lost. I allowed pain and distrust to cloud my soul. I had decided God, and church, and man - none of it was worth it. They weren't worth the risk. The weren't worth the heartache. And this lasted many years. I remember just a couple years ago, out walking around town - I saw a pastor walking towards me... and I purposefully turned and went the other direction. I avoided all pastors. I avoided the church. I avoided those "overly Christian" people who might try to sway me back into God's arms.

Well, I have learned a few things. First and foremost - you can't hide from God. When he decides to hunt you down, he'll find you. Second - God has some pretty good tools/servants in his arsenal, and he knows how to use them to guide you back to the right path. Third - I may have hid my hunger for many years, but it has always been there, and I'm tired of hiding it.

I lust for the knowledge contained within the Bible. I desire the wisdom ministers can provide... I need it. I pray for spiritual growth and understanding. And because of this desire - this lust - I subconsciously seek out those who can provide this to me. I no longer turn the other direction when I see a pastor heading in my direction. I purposefully head straight for that person.I purposefully head straight for God.

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