Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Some Obstacles just Never Go Away

Copyright 2012, Brandi Eissinger
I still remember the day I painted the above picture. I remember why I painted it. I remember who I was thinking of with every brush stroke. I remember fighting with myself as to whether or not I should give it to this person. I remember wrapping it, and delivering it, and not wanting him to open it. I remember leaving his house thinking I would not see him ever again once he did open it.

I never needed anyone to save me. I was perfectly fine. Or, so I always forced myself to believe. And still do. But at that time... God knew I needed saving. And He sent someone to do exactly that. While I was in the depths of despair, God called someone to reach out to me. This person truly did save me - not just spiritually. I don't think I can ever express just how much he saved me that day... or how much I truly love and appreciate what he did.

But then he left. He pulled me halfway out of the pit, then let me go.

And yes, I know that's probably not the truth... or at least, not his intention. It's only my perception of the events, and my own selfishness creeping in. But that is how it felt over a year ago when he walked away.And that's what hit me square in the chest tonight.

Envy? Greed? Selfishness? Anger? Hatred? Betrayal? Ah yes, I felt it all. It shook me to the core. I wished I'd never met him while at the same time wishing he were here.

Strangely (and sadly), my biggest issue with God has to do with this topic. If God truly is a loving, caring, merciful God... why did he take away my rock? If God actually cares, why did he let me fall when I was dangling in mid-air?

Unfortunately, I don't know if I can develop a closer relationship with Him until I understand this. Why would a God pull a person half out of a pit, just to let him/her drop back to the ground? It seems to be my one obstacle... an obstacle I think I'll be spending part of the next 40 days coming back to.

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