Thursday, June 18, 2015
Back by (semi) Popular Demand
Second, I'd like to announce the obvious - Sermons from a Psycho is back (with all posts)!
Ever since I removed all the posts on this site, I have received several questions asking where it went, and why. And, I feel I owe it to my few readers to explain...
This past weekend, the feeling that is often there hiding decided to shoot to the surface with a force I was not prepared for. This feeling? I'm not worthy. I am a simple, stupid, sinner. What right do I have to be preaching, teaching, or writing about the Gospel? I screw up on a regular basis in my life. I hurt others. I don't care for people the way I often, in these posts, tell people we should. I can't even follow the words I let spill onto these posts. So yes, I felt unworthy to even have this stuff posted. To be honest, I still feel this way.
This past weekend, I felt like a complete failure. I'd failed the friend who challenged me to start this blog and transform myself. I'd failed dear friends. I'd failed family. I'd failed God. And in this failure, I felt it would be better if I simply became who I used to be before this blog started. I wanted to go back to my Darkside of the Rose blog, and live there. (Un)Fortunately, I realized in the past few days that I cannot go back. Despite still feeling like a failure, the transformation which started with this blog isn't so easy to reverse.
My original plan was to completely delete the blog. Wipe it from existence, as if doing so would somehow wipe that transformation out. But, as my mouse hovered over that "delete" button, I realized I could not do it. As much as I wanted to wipe it away, I also did not want to. This blog has become a diary of my journey. There are many memories held within these posts - some good, some bad, some which still make me smile, some still make me cry. I couldn't click that button.
Instead, I exported all the posts so that if/when I was ready, I could bring them back. Or, at the very least, could still have them if/when I ever wanted to look back on this journey. And, I'd actually planned that, should I bring it back, it would come back different. There would be a different, more professional, format. The crappy babbling posts which teach nothing would be deleted. The decent ones would be properly tagged and categorized. Maybe I'd even change the name of it to something more "Christian."
But today, as it hit me that I do need to bring it back, it also hit me that I couldn't change it. This is my baby, as precious to me as my poetry (which is how my journey in my teens and twenties, and to a lesser degree the rest of my adult life, was told). More precious to me than any non-living thing in my life. You know that question that people sometimes ask - "If your house was on fire, and you only had time to grab one (non-living) thing, what would it be?" - my answer is and always has been my writings. Just because one post is stupid, or just me throwing a hissy fit, or doesn't really fit nicely with the rest of the posts, does not mean you just throw it out. Life doesn't work that way, and these posts are my life.
As for the title and design - I'm not a professional person. I'm not educated in theology. I'm definitely not "normal." I am a simple, psycho sinner. The name fits. It doesn't matter if, because its an unprofessional name, I don't get a lot of people reading my work. It doesn't matter if, because it's a less formal format, I don't get a lot of hits. I'm not in this for popularity. I'm in this for God, and for myself, and for a little sanity. If I touch others with my words - well, that's just a privilege.
My only regret is that in deleting the posts, then importing them back in, I lost all the comments. And, there were some good ones. But, I guess that is just one minor consequence to a stupid, hasty, thoughtless decision.
And with that rather lengthy explanation, I shall close this - my 400th "sermon" from a psycho. Thank you to all who noticed and cared that the posts were gone. And thank you to those who encouraged me to bring it back (I think you all are more psycho than I am).
PS - you may now applaud...