Friday, March 1, 2013
As I stated in my previous post - while I do try to avoid those feelings of regret, there are some things which are much more difficult to push past. Leaving my siblings behind is one of these. It doesn't matter how many times I remind myself that it was a decision that had to be made, and it was one made without any intention to hurt anyone else, and it was one which has led to good things - it is still difficult to look beyond the guilt and regret.
Another area where regret comes into play quite often - for myself and probably everyone else - is the words we speak. How many times have you said something you wish you could take back? Maybe you told a friend you hate him, or told your parents you don't need them or care about them. We all tend to say things mean to people we care about - often times these words are something we don't mean. We're angry or hurt and react to those feelings. For a moment, we want to hurt that other person. And once those words escape our lips, it's done. There is no taking it back. There is no rewind button.
There's a good question... if you could hit the rewind button... and redo the actions or words... would you? If I could rewind to the day I left home, I would still leave. I am certain of this. Even knowing the outcome, I would not change my actions that day. What I would change - I would have tried harder to see my brothers, to let them know I'm here for them. And I would have made sure they knew I loved them and thought of them every day.
When it comes to words - not too long ago, I told a good friend of mine that I hate him. I was hurt and angry at a decision he'd made - a decision which had nothing to do with me, but affected me all the same. And I wanted to hurt him back. If I could rewind back to that day, would I? Not to re-injure the person I said these words to... but, no. I would not change it. Why? Because saying those words to him forced me to grow up just a little bit more. It has made me see the kind of person I am, and how I look at friendships. And has made me realize I need to make changes in myself. If I were to wipe out all the stupid things I've said and done, I wouldn't grow. I wouldn't need to.
When we absorb ourselves in regrets - when we focus on what we could have done differently, what we would do differently, what we should have done differently - we fail to give those decisions an opportunity to shape us. We fail to grow. When we focus on the "coulda, woulda, shoulda"s, and spend all our time wishing for a rewind button, we fail to see what we can have now - what we can work towards. We live in the past, not the present. We live in a myriad of guilt and regret with no ability to live in God, and for him. How can we claim to see the glory of our Lord when we are too busy looking at how our lives could have been? How can we enjoy the grace of our God when we are too wrapped up in the misery of our past mistakes?