Regret vs Repentance

 The concepts of regret and repentance have been on my mind quite a bit lately. Perhaps this is because I have a bad habit of sinning, and a bad habit of hurting those I love. Perhaps it's because it is the season of Lent. Perhaps it's because I just preached a little on repentance a couple days ago. Regardless of the reason, these two words have been bouncing around in my head, and I feel a need to explain these two concepts as I see them, and as I believe we should all see them...

Regret vs Repentance (definitions according to me)

 Regret: When I think of regret, I think of actions (or inactions) that we wish we could change - Actions we would change if we were able to jump in a time machine and do so. Regret is filled with shame and guilt that eats away at us. It is a "worldly sorrow."

Repentance: Repentance is not just being sorry about something. It isn't a shame or guilt that eats away at us. It is a "Godly sorrow" that leads us to know we have screwed up, and leads us to want to change our hearts and minds.

Remorse: I have added this word simply because most of what I've been reading about this topic have the subject of "remorse vs repentance", or lump remorse in with repentance. To me, remorse is being sorry for your actions... it is feeling guilty. Both regret and repentance can have a degree a remorse attached, which makes this term related to both "worldly sorrow" and "Godly sorrow" depending on the reason attached and what affect it has on our lives.  

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death. (2 Corinthians 7:10)

Worldly sorrow vs. Godly sorrow

 Worldly sorrow is that guilt and shame we feel - but it is often not a guilt or shame or remorse over our actions, but rather over getting caught or the fear that we could have gotten caught. It is when we beat ourselves up repeatedly for our actions. It is when we know we did something wrong, and so we try to hide it. This worldly sorrow doesn't cause change within us; and instead we find ourselves either standing still in our own misery or repeating the same mistakes over and over again - both of which compound the guilt and shame.

Godly sorrow on the other hand is feeling sorry for our actions, but moves us to change. It moves us to bring our sins to Christ... to the cross. It's knowing we sinned, but instead of hiding that sin, we confess it to God and ask forgiveness. It is changing our hearts and minds - asking God for help in changing our hearts and minds - and letting God forgive us and put us back on the correct path towards him.

Standing still in sin vs Moving forward in hope

As I stated earlier, regret brings a desire with it to go back in time and erase the sin that happened. It makes us want to hide the sin, or pretend it didn't happen. We put all our focus on wishing it hadn't happened, or that we hadn't got caught; or on trying to make it so we don't get caught. We put all our focus on the guilt and shame we feel. We let it eat away at us.

A biblical example of regret and worldly sorrow is Judas Iscariot. While Matthew 27 does say that Judas repented, that repentance didn't come until he saw that Jesus was condemned. That points more towards a remorse born of regret rather than true repentance. And we see that he did feel this guilt and shame to the point he hanged himself. We see that his guilt and shame did not turn him to Christ, but rather away from him.

Instead of getting caught up in regret and wallowing in our guilt and shame, we need to be moving forward. We need to allow our sins to change our hearts and turn us back to Christ and the Cross. This cannot happen if we're trying to hide our sin, or if we're pretending it did not happen. This cannot happen if we were to go back in time and change that sin so that it never occurred. Besides the fact that we simply cannot change our actions, even just regretting a sin to the point of focusing on wishing it hadn't happened keeps us standing still. It keeps us from moving forward.

Instead, we should have a Godly sorrow for what happened. Yes, we will feel guilt and remorse for our actions, but this pain should not exist indefinitely. This pain should lead us to the Cross - to Christ. It should bring about a change within us.

A biblical example of this Godly sorrow can be seen in Peter. At the end of Matthew, Chapter 26, Peter realizes that he has indeed denied Jesus three times, and he runs off and weeps. This remorse is true and leads Peter back to Christ. It can be assumed that Peter's actions do bring about repentance from him, and forgiveness for him, as we see later after Jesus has risen, the young man in the tomb specifies to the two Marys that they are to tell the disciples and Peter that he is coming to see them. We see Peter teaching and preaching about Christ. We see him moving forward in Christ.

And this is what we need to do. We need to accept the sin happened, confess that sin to God, asking his forgiveness, and then move forward in hope and love. Move forward in Christ.

Rewind

As I stated in my previous post - while I do try to avoid those feelings of regret, there are some things which are much more difficult to push past. Leaving my siblings behind is one of these. It doesn't matter how many times I remind myself that it was a decision that had to be made, and it was one made without any intention to hurt anyone else, and it was one which has led to good things - it is still difficult to look beyond the guilt and regret.

Another area where regret comes into play quite often - for myself and probably everyone else - is the words we speak. How many times have you said something you wish you could take back? Maybe you told a friend you hate him, or told your parents you don't need them or care about them. We all tend to say things mean to people we care about - often times these words are something we don't mean. We're angry or hurt and react to those feelings. For a moment, we want to hurt that other person. And once those words escape our lips, it's done. There is no taking it back. There is no rewind button.

There's a good question... if you could hit the rewind button... and redo the actions or words... would you? If I could rewind to the day I left home, I would still leave. I am certain of this. Even knowing the outcome, I would not change my actions that day. What I would change - I would have tried harder to see my brothers, to let them know I'm here for them. And I would have made sure they knew I loved them and thought of them every day.

When it comes to words - not too long ago, I told a good friend of mine that I hate him. I was hurt and angry at a decision he'd made - a decision which had nothing to do with me, but affected me all the same. And I wanted to hurt him back. If I could rewind back to that day, would I? Not to re-injure the person I said these words to... but, no. I would not change it. Why? Because saying those words to him forced me to grow up just a little bit more. It has made me see the kind of person I am, and how I look at friendships. And has made me realize I need to make changes in myself. If I were to wipe out all the stupid things I've said and done, I wouldn't grow. I wouldn't need to.

When we absorb ourselves in regrets - when we focus on what we could have done differently, what we would do differently, what we should have done differently - we fail to give those decisions an opportunity to shape us. We fail to grow. When we focus on the "coulda, woulda, shoulda"s, and spend all our time wishing for a rewind button, we fail to see what we can have now - what we can work towards. We live in the past, not the present. We live in a myriad of guilt and regret with no ability to live in God, and for him. How can we claim to see the glory of our Lord when we are too busy looking at how our lives could have been? How can we enjoy the grace of our God when we are too wrapped up in the misery of our past mistakes?

What Might Have Been

My eldest brother, Brandon, was my best friend growing up. Although I was older than him by 6 years, the age difference didn't matter, and it didn't keep him from watching over me. Shortly before his 13th birthday, I left home. And I didn't leave in good terms with our parents - a fact which made it impossible to ever go home again, and to see him again. I did get one visit with him... a little over a year after I left home, and just weeks before his 14th birthday. He ran outside to meet me, hugging me tight. He stayed next to me the entire visit, wrapping his arms around me a few times. And when I left, we embraced again and told each other "I love you."

Little did I know, that would be the last time I would see him. Six years after this visit, I received a phone call. My brother had taken his own life.

My baby brother, Matthew, was my baby. I was the one who babysat him on a very regular basis. I'm the one who sang him to sleep every night from the day he came home from the hospital until he was 7 years old. He was almost nine years old that day I got one visit with Brandon. Matthew was there as well. And, like his older brother, hugged me, although with a bit more reservation. But we did exchange hugs and "I love you"s when I left.

Little did I know, that would be the last time I would see that little boy, either. Fifteen years after this visit, I received an email. My baby brother had taken his own life.

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I generally don't believe in regrets. There are so many things we look back on and wish we would have done something different. Oh, how things might be now if I hadn't had sex with that stranger, or if I hadn't robbed that bank, or if I hadn't sneaked out of my bedroom window, or if I had just taken the time to say "I'm sorry." I'm sure if any of you look back on your lives... even just look back on the last year... you'll come up with several "coulda, woulda, shoulda" things. I should have painted the exterior of the house. I should have gone to see my cousins. I should have...

Well, you get the idea. We all have things we wish we would have done differently.

For me, I try to brush off these thoughts as soon as they happen - especially the more serious things. For example... when I was a teen, I turned my parents in for abuse to my pastor. He betrayed my trust by going to them with the accusation... an act which led to me getting beat, and to me losing faith in the church and basically turning my back on God. BUT... I do not regret my decision to tell this pastor what was happening. Although it seems nothing good came from this act, I don't regret it.

Why?

Because it shaped me. Yes, it made it harder for me to trust people. Yes, it made me believe the church is a sham and God is a bored creature playing games with all us pawns. But, it also made me stronger. It has made me more careful of whom I trust, and because of this, has given me some incredibly wonderful friends. Although it took 20-some years, it has taught me what a church is and is not, and what a good Christian leader is and is not, and has led to me finding a church where I belong; finding a pastor who (although no longer the pastor at my church) has taught me to trust again; and has resulted in me having a much stronger relationship with God. Had I not had this hardship, there is a good chance that my relationship with God today would just be one of those "oh yeah, I believe I guess" type of casual, unimportant relationships.

This is how I try to look at all decisions which start to cause that tickle of regret inside me. I try to think of the good that has eventually come from my decision. When I was 7, I had to get stitches above my eye because I decided jump-roping with a towel was a good idea. I can still see the scar. But I don't regret this. I don't regret it because guess what? I have never jumped rope with a towel since that day.

But sometimes... some decisions... such as the decision that causes me to leave my siblings behind; that causes me to not speak to them again for several years; that causes me to not have the chance to speak to two of them ever again.... those decisions... those regrets. Those are difficult for me.

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Due to the lateness of the hour... and the busyness of the day... and the fact that I am about to fall asleep on my keyboard... I am going to take a break from this post until tomorrow.

Peace...