Thursday, March 8, 2018

Pain on Top of Pain - Where is God?

Two weeks ago today, at this exact time, my husband was laying in a hospital bed dying. Today, I find out that once again my name is popping up in the rumor mill. A rumor that has been started by people of what I once considered my church - English Lutheran Church of Medina. And I'm pissed. Once again, friends of mine are being attacked, my children are being hurt, and it's all because people dared be friends with me. And I am feeling very betrayed... by these people and by God.

Let me rewind to two weeks ago. It was actually two weeks ago yesterday. I got a phone call that Tyler had a heart attack. I got off the phone with the nursing home that called me and immediately called a family that has been great to us the past 4 or 5 years. They rushed over and hauled us all to Fargo. Right as we were all getting into the vehicle to head to Fargo, we found out Tyler had a second heart attack. 

Upon getting to the hospital, Tyler was in ICU with a breathing tube. They realized the cause of the attacks was high potassium so they started him on dialysis. But, they had to put a central line in. That's when I was called back... with my daughters all following me because they wanted to know what was going on with their daddy. When they put lines in, they xray to make sure the tubes are all going where they should. The xrays showed that within just an hour or two, his abdomen was showing a perforated bowel.  We were told that without surgery, he would be gone. With surgery, he had less than 5% chance of making it off the table, and if, by some miracle he did, there would be more complications. And all of this on top of them not knowing how long he was gone after the first heart attack - there could be severe brain damage. 

Tyler's and my girls had to listen to this prognosis from the doctor. We all had to go back into a waiting room full of family and tell them. And together, we had to make the decision to not do surgery, and to remove the breathing tube, knowing we were going to lose him. 

And we spent the next 12 hours standing by his bedside, talking to him even though he was unresponsive. It was around this exact time (12:30-1:00) that we saw the stats start to go down a little. We called everyone back to the room (several had gone for lunch). The friends of ours that you're talking shit about - or rather, the one you're talking shit about - was right there with Tyler. He was blocking the view of the monitor so that his children would just be there for their dad rather than focus on the numbers. He wasn't allowing me to watch those numbers. Instead, we were able to all just be there, holding hands and holding Tyler as we watched him take his last breath at 1:36pm. 

Over 12 hours these children watched their dad pass away. For over 12 hours they prayed that maybe he'd be okay. For 12 hours they wondered if we made the right decision about the surgery. For 12 hours, I was doing the same. His mother was doing the same. And my friends were doing the same. 

When he did pass away, it was surrounded by those he loved...everyone crying. And the two who didn't make it quite in time, showed up just minutes later and stood by his bed crying.  

Don't get me wrong - there are some very good people in this town and this church who have helped us out. We received a lot of food and cards and donations... one in particular (whom I don't think is all that readily accepted in the church either) helped us greatly with the funeral. And I do appreciate that. And I do thank God very much for those who've been so generous and caring.

But for those who are spreading lies? Two weeks after my children lost their daddy? Two weeks after I lost the man I've been married to for almost 25 years? Two weeks after his mom and siblings lost someone they've had in their life for 47 years?  

How can you be so cold and heartless? Do you really hate me that much? I know you can't have hated him - you barely ever saw him. How can you hate someone so much that you would hurt the friends he loved dearly... the friends who loved him dearly? How can you hate someone so much that you would hurt the children who were his life? The children who looked up to him and love him and are in so much pain? 

You aren't hurting me. You're hurting his children.


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