Sunday, April 28, 2013

Beloved?

Dear God...

If you even exist.

I've had friends try to convince me you're real. I've had friends try to convince me you're just a fairy tale, with no more importance than the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk.

I chose to believe. I don't know why. You've given me very little more than heart ache these past 30+ years. But still, I chose to believe in you. And I almost believed I was beloved. Silly me.

Despite everything you throw at me, I keep believing. Am I foolish? Am I insane? I have been molested, raped, physically and emotionally abused, all since I was but a child. You took two of my best friends - my brothers - away from me. Just as I began to trust and believe in you again, you took away the one person who made me believe. What do you have against me? Why do you hate me? I have given and given and given. Yes, I have sinned. I have sinned against you in thought, word and deed. But I have tried. I have tried to spread your Word. I have tried to follow your path. And time and again you rip away every bit of happiness I find. Hell, it isn't even happiness... you rip away any support I find. You make sure I am continually abandoned. My strength and courage fail me tonight. Is this what you want? You want these scars to bleed again? You want me to finally follow the footsteps of my brothers? Footsteps I should have taken first, but had no courage to do so?

Fine. You win. I give up. I submit to the pain.

In Your name, I pray...
Your beloved

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