Thursday, April 23, 2015
Bible Study Pisses Me Off
As most of you know, I absolutely love my women's Bible Study. But, this month, I'm finding I don't like it anymore. It's making me face the fact that I'm not perfect. Ever think to yourself, "I'm glad I don't have that problem", or "I'm glad I'm not like that"? Well, this study we're doing now is making me hang my head and realize "ok... yeah... maybe I'm a little (a lot) like that...." And it's really making me angry.
Which, is a bit ironic. The study is on anger.
Before we started this book, I would have said - with complete sincerity - I do not have an anger problem (ok yes, there may be a couple people reading this right now who just choked on their coffee... sorry...). Yes, I do get angry at times. But I don't punch people, or start screaming. I don't go off on people. I handle my anger pretty well.
Or, so I thought. It turns out, stuffing all that anger inside you, and/or getting angry with yourself and/or leaking it onto those who didn't do anything, is still an anger issue. And, the more we delve into this study - which, so far has mostly been how to recognize your anger, how you typically deal with it, and what the root cause of it is - I'm realizing that I'm a very angry person. And, mostly, I'm very angry at me. Well, and God... but with God I can voice that (stay tuned for my next post which will be about yelling at God). But with myself? It's not so easy to say "Brandi, I am really pissed at you."
And yet, even though I don't voice it usually, I am very angry with myself. I'm mad at myself for letting myself get raped. I'm mad at myself for not doing more to stop the abuse I (and my siblings) went through. I'm mad at myself for leaving my siblings in that abusive home. And the list goes on.
Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I find it actually relatively easy to forgive others than forgiving myself.
Anyway, I had a lot more to say on this topic that isn't just so much me venting on a screen... but my brain fails me now. So... deal with it. :)