A couple days into Lent, as I had already written a sermon a few nights in a row, I decided to keep it going - I would write a sermon every day during Lent. And, it has been a week (today marks the 7th day). Unfortunately, however, this is really not a sermon. But, since I'm writing it on my sermons blog, I'm going to consider it such.
So, why no sermon tonight? Well... the main reason is that while I am currently on a spiritual high, and even emotionally somewhat stable, I'm physically at a low point - I'm drained, and I believe I'm coming down with a cold. Last night I was in bed by 9:30... and sleeping by 9:33. Tonight, as soon as this post is done and my son is home from basketball, I will be going to bed early as well.
As I mentioned above, I'm on a spiritual high. The past 9 months have been a time of spiritual awakening for me... and a time of fighting this awakening. I would have an intense weekend when it came to religion/God/spirituality. I'd feel like God was talking to me, both in prayer, through other people, through signs, and simply through my heart and soul. I'd be confused by this, and curious, and elated. And scared half to death. God doesn't speak to people like me. God speaks to good people. He speaks to those who revel in his Word. He speaks to those who stand in front of congregations and preach his word. He speaks to those who have never denied him or turned from him. He speaks to those worthy of hearing him.
And this... this was not and is not me.
Fear would force me to fight these feelings of elation. Fear would cause me to lash out at those whom God was utilizing to speak to me. Fear and the general feeling of unworthiness. And I'd hit a spiritual low. And during fighting this high and living in this low, I would turn from him. I wouldn't try to be the person I knew I should be. I'd lock myself away within my walls, hidden from even my own emotions.
A couple days ago, after spending a weekend with some decent highs and pretty bad lows, I finally reached a point where I realized that in all I'd done to better myself spiritually... I'd never committed myself to God fully. Yes, I started going to church, and studying the Bible, and reading devotions. I started praying on occasion, depending on the situation and reason. I stopped hiding the fact that I'm a Christian and proud of it (much to the utter annoyance of family and friends).
But never once did I commit to God my lows as well. On a spiritual high, it's easy to go to Church, and read the Bible. It's easy to say a prayer of thanksgiving. But on a spiritual low? I hadn't handed my problems over to God. I hadn't prayed for him to please be with me during these times. I hadn't prayed for strength. While I had asked for forgiveness after sinning, I had never asked him for courage to resist temptation. Upon realizing all this, and during a low, I surrendered my troubles to the Lord. I committed to a life of serving him. And since this... I have been on a spiritual high. I have not hidden behind walls or closed doors or substances which act as walls. Those who have pushed me down, and still do - I do not let there actions keep me down. I do not let their actions and words dictate who I am.
Granted, it has only been two days... perhaps too early to be patting myself on the back. And yes, I do realize that there is a good chance this high will not last - I will slip, I will stumble, I will feel spiritual lows. But I am going to enjoy this high for as long as it lasts, and I will do what I can through devotions, prayer, scripture and service to keep this high to some degree (or, at least, a nice middle ground).
I am feeling a peace I do not remember ever feeling before, and I think I kinda like it...