Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Babble

The past few days have sucked. Seeing a man I love - a man whom has been a father to me for the past 21 years - wasting away in a nursing home bed sucked. Getting the phone call that he passed away sucked. Telling my husband and children he died sucked. Seeing mom and hugging her sucked (well, that one only sucked because I hate seeing that woman in pain). Dealing with the planning of the funeral sucked. Having my dryer break down while all the rest of this is going on sucked. Not having available the person I usually ramble (whine) to sucked.

I feel alone. Yes, it's a self-made loneliness. But, I still feel alone. There have been a few who've offered to be here for me if I need, and I am grateful for it, I just feel like locking myself away in my house and not dealing with anyone. I thought work would be an escape, but that is proving to be much more difficult than I imagined. I spend most of my time in that little office just crying.

At home, I have 6 people counting on me to be there. And none react the same to things like this. One gets intensely angry. A couple cry. A couple hide within themselves. Some babble incessantly. Some don't want to speak or even hear about what happened. And I have to accommodate all these different emotions and ways of dealing. It gets so difficult at times, I don't know if I can take anymore. I don't even know how I should be reacting. I go out for short walks to clear my head. Or I go hide in my room and watch an episode of some stupid reality show. I know I should be there for them all more than I have been. I know I'm failing at being a good mom and wife.

And then I have friends getting upset that I'm not talking to them right now. I'm not taking time to visit with them. I'm not turning to them. I'm failing at being a good friend. But, I always "fail" at this. I am not the kind of person who relies on friends. Yes, I love my friends dearly. But when I'm depressed or grieving or something similar, I withdraw inside myself (for the most part). Even when I'm doing well, my friends are not my life - my family is. I'm an introvert by nature and would much rather sit at home with my family (or by myself). Yet I'm being made to feel guilty for not calling people up to chit chat. I'm a failure at friendships.

A year ago, I would have started yelling at God. I would have blamed Him for this. I would have decided that He obviously hates me and is punishing me and just plain likes to torment me. I'm actually a little bothered by the fact that I'm not angry at Him. I should be... shouldn't I? Isn't this when our faith trips a little and we either question God's existence or question His decision making?

I just want to babble, but I don't want to talk to people. I want to cry, but every time the tears start, I force them back. I want to sleep, yet find myself awake until at least 2am each night. And so I sit here now, babbling on a blank screen in the middle of the night choking back tears that aren't even sure if they want to fall.

Yup, it all just sucks.

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