Friday, February 28, 2014


This need grows stronger every day. I feel if I must live with it another moment I will wither away, back to the fire from which I was born. To understand why I live in this endless torment you must be me. You must walk behind the dark one. You must surrender your soul to the beast. I do not typically regret the decisions I have made, except for now. I am hungry. I need him. Lust is too mild of a word to describe the feeling coursing through my body; through my blackened soul. When I first tasted him, I became one with him. I need him more than I need food or water. I need him in every way and every form. I need to taste him; I need to feel his blood pulsating around me, and in me. I have always been in control of my victims. I have always pulled away before the need for only one came to be. But I have erred and now I die in this hell I have allowed myself to be drawn into. (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Hunger”)
This excerpt came from "Hunger" - a chapter which consisted of several little snippets that became the inspiration for a novel I was writing ("Tentazia" - a vampire novel that's only half finished). But, although they inspired a novel, they never became part of that. Instead, they became part of "Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman" - a set of articles/chapters/posts that began as blog posts on one of my first blog "Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman Insane" (if I recall the name correctly).

Anyway, the history of the writing is really somewhat irrelevant, other than the time-frame in which it was written. At that point in time, there were health problems to worry about, and I was dealing with a lot of personal issues, and I was probably at my lowest spiritually. While I claimed to believe in God, I really didn't follow Him at all. I was drinking quite often, and the voices in my head were louder than normal. And damn was I craving something.

I had no idea what it was... all I knew was that I felt empty. The more I felt this way, the louder the voices got, and the more I drank to quiet them. The more I drank, the more empty I felt, and the more stupid decisions I made. I truly did feel like I was starving to death - but starving for what?
As I take another swig from the bottle, I find myself wondering why. Why isn't it easing the craving? It numbs it. Dulls it. But never eases it. Never makes it easier to understand or accept. And it never appeases it. It is not the life energy that I crave and need to survive. Instead I bury myself into it, driving myself deeper into this illness which can never be cured. (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Craving”)
At Bible Study last night, we were discussing emptiness. So many of us fall into this pit of emptiness - a pit we try to fill with substitutes. Drugs, alcohol, sex - these are all unhealthy ways we try to fill the emptiness. We cling to worldly possessions in an attempt to overcome this emptiness.

There are even otherwise healthy things we do in an attempt to fill this void. We try to fill it with work. Or with our families. The more we do, the less empty we'll feel - or so we fool ourselves into believing.  There are even some people who will try unsuccessfully to fill this void with Church or Scripture.

Now surely Church and Scripture should fill this void! Well, yes, sometimes it does. But, when we're not allowing the void to be filled by God... by the Holy Spirit... even trying to fill it with Church/Scripture will leave the hole there. There will always be a hunger until we allow the Holy Spirit to fill us.

This hunger is slowly killing me, I'm starving to death, and no one knows. No one -understands. This isn't a game, at least, no more a game then all of life is. I'm just a pawn, a pawn to society, to the "norm". I am not normal, and do not say "Yes, you are" because you don't hear the voices. You don't know what they say to me. You can't hear all the whimpers and screams and at times, the utter silence. No voice, not even my own, echoing within. Just nothingness. No words, no pain, no pleasure. Tell me you know me. I dare you. Tell me you understand. Tell me I'm not really evil - that the ache within begging for a taste is just an act, or a product of my depressions. Come now, you aren't afraid to tell me are you? (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Evil”)
 In Cana, the wine ran out - Jesus filled the jars with wine (well, technically, the servants filled them with water, which Jesus then turned to wine, but whatever...). The point is, Jesus filled the jars with new wine. At the well, the woman was there to fill her jar with water, and Jesus filled her with something more - the living water.

While empty, while suffering cravings to fill this emptiness, we experience sorrow, darkness, fear, hunger, pain, anger, and many other negative emotions. But when we accept the new wine - the Holy Spirit - we are given so much...

"By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against such things" (Galatians 5:22-23)

Those cravings you're feeling tonight? The addictions and hunger that plague you? Turn to Jesus. Ask Him for some of the good wine. Let Him fill the emptiness.

May you all have an overflowing of the wine Christ Jesus offers us all. God bless.

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