Cravings

This need grows stronger every day. I feel if I must live with it another moment I will wither away, back to the fire from which I was born. To understand why I live in this endless torment you must be me. You must walk behind the dark one. You must surrender your soul to the beast. I do not typically regret the decisions I have made, except for now. I am hungry. I need him. Lust is too mild of a word to describe the feeling coursing through my body; through my blackened soul. When I first tasted him, I became one with him. I need him more than I need food or water. I need him in every way and every form. I need to taste him; I need to feel his blood pulsating around me, and in me. I have always been in control of my victims. I have always pulled away before the need for only one came to be. But I have erred and now I die in this hell I have allowed myself to be drawn into. (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Hunger”)

This excerpt came from "Hunger" - a chapter which consisted of several little snippets that became the inspiration for a novel I was writing ("Tentazia" - a vampire novel that's only half finished). But, although they inspired a novel, they never became part of that. Instead, they became part of "Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman" - a set of articles/chapters/posts that began as blog posts on one of my first blog "Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman Insane" (if I recall the name correctly).

Anyway, the history of the writing is really somewhat irrelevant, other than the time-frame in which it was written. At that point in time, there were health problems to worry about, and I was dealing with a lot of personal issues, and I was probably at my lowest spiritually. While I claimed to believe in God, I really didn't follow Him at all. I was drinking quite often, and the voices in my head were louder than normal. And damn was I craving something.

I had no idea what it was... all I knew was that I felt empty. The more I felt this way, the louder the voices got, and the more I drank to quiet them. The more I drank, the more empty I felt, and the more stupid decisions I made. I truly did feel like I was starving to death - but starving for what?

As I take another swig from the bottle, I find myself wondering why. Why isn't it easing the craving? It numbs it. Dulls it. But never eases it. Never makes it easier to understand or accept. And it never appeases it. It is not the life energy that I crave and need to survive. Instead I bury myself into it, driving myself deeper into this illness which can never be cured. (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Craving”)

At Bible Study last night, we were discussing emptiness. So many of us fall into this pit of emptiness - a pit we try to fill with substitutes. Drugs, alcohol, sex - these are all unhealthy ways we try to fill the emptiness. We cling to worldly possessions in an attempt to overcome this emptiness.

There are even otherwise healthy things we do in an attempt to fill this void. We try to fill it with work. Or with our families. The more we do, the less empty we'll feel - or so we fool ourselves into believing.  There are even some people who will try unsuccessfully to fill this void with Church or Scripture.

Now surely Church and Scripture should fill this void! Well, yes, sometimes it does. But, when we're not allowing the void to be filled by God... by the Holy Spirit... even trying to fill it with Church/Scripture will leave the hole there. There will always be a hunger until we allow the Holy Spirit to fill us.

This hunger is slowly killing me, I'm starving to death, and no one knows. No one -understands. This isn't a game, at least, no more a game then all of life is. I'm just a pawn, a pawn to society, to the "norm". I am not normal, and do not say "Yes, you are" because you don't hear the voices. You don't know what they say to me. You can't hear all the whimpers and screams and at times, the utter silence. No voice, not even my own, echoing within. Just nothingness. No words, no pain, no pleasure. Tell me you know me. I dare you. Tell me you understand. Tell me I'm not really evil - that the ache within begging for a taste is just an act, or a product of my depressions. Come now, you aren't afraid to tell me are you? (Excerpt from Meaningless Ramblings of a Madwoman, “Evil”)

 In Cana, the wine ran out - Jesus filled the jars with wine (well, technically, the servants filled them with water, which Jesus then turned to wine, but whatever...). The point is, Jesus filled the jars with new wine. At the well, the woman was there to fill her jar with water, and Jesus filled her with something more - the living water.

While empty, while suffering cravings to fill this emptiness, we experience sorrow, darkness, fear, hunger, pain, anger, and many other negative emotions. But when we accept the new wine - the Holy Spirit - we are given so much...

"By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against such things" (Galatians 5:22-23)

Those cravings you're feeling tonight? The addictions and hunger that plague you? Turn to Jesus. Ask Him for some of the good wine. Let Him fill the emptiness.

May you all have an overflowing of the wine Christ Jesus offers us all. God bless.

Look On Jesus

Luke 10:38-42

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I think it's safe to say that many of us can relate to Martha in this story when it comes how busy our lives are. In fact, I've seen many posts using this story to explain that we need to slow down in our lives and focus on Jesus. But, I'd like to apply this story to another thing I've witnessed quite a bit of...

Recently, I have become very disheartened when I look at Christianity. Being part of these Christian blogging communities has made me almost disgusted with the religion most people follow - but, it has also strengthened my beliefs.

The Marthas of Christianity are so busy making sure they're "perfect." They condemn people whom they believe are going against God's Word. They speak out against these people. They hold up signs saying this belief or that belief is completely wrong. As homosexuality seems to be the hot-topic as of late, we'll go with this...

There are those Marthas who are against homosexuality and hold up signs saying the gays are going to hell. Or telling the gays "God hates the sin you're doing... but it's ok... He doesn't hate you..." while at the same time trying to change these people. They run around trying to make sure everything (everyone) around them is perfect... everyone is doing the right thing, practicing the right thing, behaving the right way, believing the right way. This is what God wants, they seem to believe.

And those of us Marys... the ones sitting at Jesus' feet, listening to His word, gazing on His love and grace, placing our focus on Jesus - the Marthas are asking "Lord, don't you care that we're doing all the work? Tell these Marys to help!" The Marthas are accusing us of not being Christian, of not following Jesus.

But our Lord tells Martha - as he tells all of us - "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed - or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Mary has chosen to listen to Jesus. Mary has chosen not to be distracted by all these worries. She has chosen Jesus.

It's time we all put the focus where it belongs - CHRIST.

Our focus should not be on who is sleeping with whom - or with what gender.
Our focus should not be on who is supporting abortion. It shouldn't be on what dances are being done or songs are being listened to or television shows are being watched. It shouldn't be on whether or not someone is praying correctly. It shouldn't be on which church is the first church or the "true" church.

It should be on Christ.

Mindless Automatons

It truly amazes me how many so-called Christians are so filled with hate. Certain churches are all about teaching hate. Their mindless automatons spew hatred. Their "educated" twist God's Word, incorporating a hate-filled interpretation to justify their abuse of others.

God is Grace. God is Love. Why would we not be the same way? Just on principle alone (i.e. God is love, therefore we should be also) we should want to be this way. But, if this isn't enough, Jesus Himself commanded  it.

John 13:34 - “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

There are many verses showing the importance of showing love. These are only a few... 

Romans 13:8 -  ⁸ Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.

Matthew 22:36-40 -  ³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”   ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment.³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

James 2:8 -  ⁸ If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right.

  No where does Jesus say "Condemn the homosexuals!" or "Bomb the abortion clinics!" On the less extreme side... no where does Jesus tell us we should gossip about the poor family on the corner with 5 children they can't afford to feed. No where does He tells us we should speak ill of the teenage, unwed mother. No where does He permit us to turn our back on the father who stumbles home drunk. Additionally, He doesn't give us permission to hate the neighbor who rapes our wife or kills our child.

I'm not saying any of this is easy for us. I, for one, am really bad at not condemning those who hurt children. There are times I hear these stories on the news and think to myself "I hope he rots in hell." Does this person's actions make it right for me to think this way? No. I am going against Jesus. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us murder includes being angry at someone.

But what amazes me is all the people - often headed by the church - who will grab Scripture text, out of context, and use it to justify and promote hate. This is not Christian. This is not following Jesus' commandment. This is these people and the church saying "to hell with what Jesus says!"

Now, you may try using the argument, well if we don't hate homosexuals or murderers, we're saying "to hell with what God says!" But, this is not true. Why? Because of verses like Romans 13:8 and James 2:8 above. Jesus' command to love one another - neighbors and enemies alike - surpasses all other laws.

Stop being a lemming to the churches and leaders who are telling you to go against Jesus. Stop being mindless automatons, following the orders of those who would dare to say "to hell with what Jesus says!"

Lost Child?

Luke 2:49 He said to them, "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"

It was either Thanksgiving or Easter, although I can't recall for certain which, about 8 years ago. We were celebrating the holiday as we usually did at my in-laws. We lived only a block from their home. We still do... just in a different house now. Being so close to them makes holidays very easy for us. If my husband is ill, or if the kids, when they were younger, needed naps, we could just run home for a bit.

This is what happened that day. My husband was feeling sick so he had gone home. My youngest, only a year and a half old or so at the time, was in dire need of a nap. So, I brought him home to his dad. After making sure the two of them were settled in, I went back to the festivities. After a couple hours, I decided to go back home to check on them. My husband was sound asleep on the couch. And my son... was missing.

I ran through the house, calling his name, checking in every room, under every bed. If you've ever lost a child, you know the panic that goes through your entire soul. I woke up my husband frantically, then continued on in my search. I finally noticed our back door was slightly open. My heart stopped. My baby had gotten outside. Granted, this is a small town, if anyone had found him they would know who he belonged to. But at that heart-stopping moment, I didn't think of this. Every horrible possibility went through my mind in the blink of an eye.

Finally I saw the flash of gray camouflage - the t-shirt he'd been wearing - in a yard a couple houses away. I screamed his name, running towards him as he stopped and put his arms out to me. I was relieved, and furious, and everything else imaginable. He started crying as I wrapped him in my arms, my own tears falling as I scolded him for leaving the house.

In his broken speech, he let me know that he'd  been trying to go back to Grandma's... he'd been trying to find me.

In Luke 2:41-49, we find Jesus' parents in a similar situation. Jesus had gone missing. Of course, he was 12, not under 2, but the feeling his parents went through, I'm certain was no different than those I experienced. After searching for him, they finally found him in a temple. His mother scolded him... "Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety."

His response to her was  "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"

There is such an innocence that can be found in that response... a simple logic that can only come from a child. In both my own experience, and in this scripture, the children couldn't understand the parents' reaction - after all, in my son's case - he was trying to find his mom; and in Jesus' case - he went to his Father's house.

Of course, in those days, a 12 year old boy was almost a man. He was maturing, and understanding more of what was expected of him. And in Jesus' case, he was beginning to understand his purpose. He understood that while Joseph was his earthly father, God was his father. And to learn what it was he was doing - that he was sitting with teachers, learning and asking questions - this shows a wisdom I don't think any of us would ever expect or see in our own 12 year old children.

You see two parents who are quite normal - even to the point of freaking out when their child goes missing. But then you see a 12 year old Jesus who is showing he is not normal. Or at least, not normal in the eyes of his parents and the temple teachers.

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If you think about this story metaphorically...(or perhaps as it's intended... what do I know)...

As parents, we see our children's paths a certain way. We believe they will follow us, or at least follow where we want them to go. However, as most parents have come to find, this is often not the case. Children have their own path. They find their own path home. But, like most of us, this path to their own true home is what they're seeking, and the road they're taking. We can either nurture that, or fight it... but, I've come to learn that fighting it doesn't work all that well.