So, want to know the real reason(s) I skipped church?
I was (am) hiding from peopleI didn't want to deal with the fake concern. I didn't want to deal with the false sympathy, and kind words, and meaningless "I'll pray for you" comments. Of course, this isn't to say that those who offered concern, sympathy, or comments were lying or being fake - I just knew that's how I'd take it. And I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't have the strength to deal with it. And, quite frankly, I still don't.
I was (am) hiding from GodYes, I know, quite a silly thing to try to do, but this is indeed was I was doing on Sunday (and yesterday, and today...). I am attempting to hide from God. I'm angry with Him. I think He's being cruel, and I don't want to deal with Him because I know I'll just scream and say things I shouldn't say.
I know many people are probably reading this and thinking it's completely wrong of me to say these things about God. I shouldn't say He is cruel. I shouldn't say He is stupid. I shouldn't say He doesn't have a clue what He's doing. Because, all these things would be wrong to say. And hey, maybe I am the only one who's ever thought like this. But, I doubt it.
And, I know a lot of people are shaking their heads that I would even attempt to hide from God. Obviously, we can't do that. But, somehow I doubt I'm the only one who's attempted this.
I hated God (if only for a moment)The truth is, God doesn't always make sense to our feeble minds. And we get angry at Him. We even hate Him at times - even if just for a moment. When we're scared, or hurt, or grieving, or confused - we don't particularly care for the guy who is supposed to love us... the one who is supposedly in control. We don't particularly want to hunt Him down and praise Him. We want to scream at Him. We want to beat on Him. And, we want to hide from Him.
And, I think this is ok - as long as we don't dwell in those feelings, and as long as we eventually crawl out of our hole and talk to God. But, being angry at Him - He can handle that. He already knows we feel it. He already knows it's in our hearts and thoughts. Might as well scream at Him - it all sounds the same to Him (the thoughts and the screams).
And with this brief rambling, I'm going back into hiding.