Friday, May 2, 2014

Behind the Scenes of The Condemned House

I just posted the 6th installment of The Condemned House (which, is actually only a 5th installment as the 1st post was more just a preface to the series) and realized that I need to write another post. This one really isn't part of the series - more just a bit of behind the scenes rambling I feel compelled to put out there. It's a personal rambling, rather than holding any educational value whatsoever.

Of course, there are some who don't find any of what I write to be educational whatsoever. It's all just emotional babble from an emotional girl. There's no substance or meaning to it. There's no scholarly value to it. Perhaps he's right.

But, I'm slipping off the path here. Allow me to meander back onto it...

In the beginning...

As I stated in the first post on The Condemned Heart, the series started because of a Bible study, in which the question was posed "what do you think of when you think of a house with a condemned sign?" and then related this to our hearts.

This study has stuck with me. It's nailed itself to my heart and mind. It made me stop in my tracks. It made me cry. It made me take a very hard look at myself.

I'm broken. 

Yes, I've always known this. I've said it time and again. But I don't think I have ever given it more than just a quick glance and a "yup, I'm broken."

Each post I've written in this series has brought a lot to the surface. I have perhaps only written 1% of what I've been thinking. All the ways I've been abused, and used, and hurt, and broken - all swam to the surface. All the ways in which I've used these as excuses to keep people away, to hurt others, to hide - all swam to the surface.

  • Trust
  • Fear
  • Christian Lies
  • Love
  • Relationships

These are the subjects I've written on so far. These are topics which, in my opinion, are vital to building healthy hearts and a healthy relationship with Christ. There are more topics as well... perhaps many more. But for now... these 5...

Fear and Christian lies are two things which damage our hearts and relationship with God. Fear keeps the Holy Spirit away; and the lies we are taught about God keep us from wanting to grow closer to Him. I've known this for years... but it never truly hit me how true this is until I started this series. Each day I find more ways in which these two topics pull me from God.

Trust, love and relationships - these all tie together. But are three things I have had the most difficulty with, and still do. Growing up, I learned quickly "Never trust, never cry, never love." (Note: Crying/vulnerability will most likely be another topic). And again, I have known these "rules" can be harmful to my relationship with God. But again, I did not realize the extent until I started writing.

Still slip into learned behavior

Even now, even in the midst of writing this series and examining my heart, I find myself slipping into behaviors which will keep that condemned sign nailed to my heart. I find myself reacting to my own personal expectations of people, distrusting them. Questioning that distrust. Questioning the perceived betrayal.

Reread the second paragraph of this post. This is a good example. Is it me trying to keep someone at arms length? Is it me honestly being hurt by this person? Is this one of those relationships I should toss to the side? I know I do not draw this person closer to God... does he pull me from God? Or is this just a lack of trust on my part, and fear creeping in and taking over?

Rebuilding a Condemned House is a continuous project

While I didn't outright say it, it was in the back of my mind when I started writing this series: this will help me fix my brokenness, and then all will be good.


I'm quickly realizing just how wrong I was in thinking that. Yes... writing this will help. God is working with me as these words hit the computer screen. He is working with me even when I am not writing. He is trying to heal me and my brokenness... just as He has been trying to do all along. And, sometimes I work with him. More often than not, however, I find myself working against Him. He says "trust me"... I hesitantly say "ok..." He says "trust this person"... I quickly say "heck no!".  He tells me to love my neighbor... I agree. He tells me to forgive and actually care for those who hurt me... I tell Him to bite me.

Oh yes, I do fear it will take quite some time to fix my brokenness. Quite honestly, I don't think it will ever be fixed in this lifetime. It will be a continuous project. I am just so thankful that we have a God willing to take that time... a God who is ever patient with us when we fight against His will.

For all the rest of you in the process of working on your condemned houses with God - always remember, He is still there and He will always be there. God bless!

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

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