Behind the Scenes of The Condemned House

I just posted the 6th installment of The Condemned House (which, is actually only a 5th installment as the 1st post was more just a preface to the series) and realized that I need to write another post. This one really isn't part of the series - more just a bit of behind the scenes rambling I feel compelled to put out there. It's a personal rambling, rather than holding any educational value whatsoever.

Of course, there are some who don't find any of what I write to be educational whatsoever. It's all just emotional babble from an emotional girl. There's no substance or meaning to it. There's no scholarly value to it. Perhaps he's right.

But, I'm slipping off the path here. Allow me to meander back onto it...

In the beginning...

As I stated in the first post on The Condemned Heart, the series started because of a Bible study, in which the question was posed "what do you think of when you think of a house with a condemned sign?" and then related this to our hearts.

This study has stuck with me. It's nailed itself to my heart and mind. It made me stop in my tracks. It made me cry. It made me take a very hard look at myself.

I'm broken. 

Yes, I've always known this. I've said it time and again. But I don't think I have ever given it more than just a quick glance and a "yup, I'm broken."

Each post I've written in this series has brought a lot to the surface. I have perhaps only written 1% of what I've been thinking. All the ways I've been abused, and used, and hurt, and broken - all swam to the surface. All the ways in which I've used these as excuses to keep people away, to hurt others, to hide - all swam to the surface.

• Trust
• Fear
• Christian Lies
• Love
• Relationships

These are the subjects I've written on so far. These are topics which, in my opinion, are vital to building healthy hearts and a healthy relationship with Christ. There are more topics as well... perhaps many more. But for now... these 5...

Fear and Christian lies are two things which damage our hearts and relationship with God. Fear keeps the Holy Spirit away; and the lies we are taught about God keep us from wanting to grow closer to Him. I've known this for years... but it never truly hit me how true this is until I started this series. Each day I find more ways in which these two topics pull me from God.

Trust, love and relationships - these all tie together. But are three things I have had the most difficulty with, and still do. Growing up, I learned quickly "Never trust, never cry, never love." (Note: Crying/vulnerability will most likely be another topic). And again, I have known these "rules" can be harmful to my relationship with God. But again, I did not realize the extent until I started writing.

Still slip into learned behavior

Even now, even in the midst of writing this series and examining my heart, I find myself slipping into behaviors which will keep that condemned sign nailed to my heart. I find myself reacting to my own personal expectations of people, distrusting them. Questioning that distrust. Questioning the perceived betrayal.

Reread the second paragraph of this post. This is a good example. Is it me trying to keep someone at arms length? Is it me honestly being hurt by this person? Is this one of those relationships I should toss to the side? I know I do not draw this person closer to God... does he pull me from God? Or is this just a lack of trust on my part, and fear creeping in and taking over?

Rebuilding a Condemned House is a continuous project

While I didn't outright say it, it was in the back of my mind when I started writing this series: this will help me fix my brokenness, and then all will be good.

Ha!

I'm quickly realizing just how wrong I was in thinking that. Yes... writing this will help. God is working with me as these words hit the computer screen. He is working with me even when I am not writing. He is trying to heal me and my brokenness... just as He has been trying to do all along. And, sometimes I work with him. More often than not, however, I find myself working against Him. He says "trust me"... I hesitantly say "ok..." He says "trust this person"... I quickly say "heck no!".  He tells me to love my neighbor... I agree. He tells me to forgive and actually care for those who hurt me... I tell Him to bite me.

Oh yes, I do fear it will take quite some time to fix my brokenness. Quite honestly, I don't think it will ever be fixed in this lifetime. It will be a continuous project. I am just so thankful that we have a God willing to take that time... a God who is ever patient with us when we fight against His will.

For all the rest of you in the process of working on your condemned houses with God - always remember, He is still there and He will always be there. God bless!

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies
The Condemned House - Supported by Love 
The Condemned House - Salvageable Relationships

The Condemned House - Salvageable Relationships

Loving and trusting others leads to one common result - betrayal. Yes, I can pretty much guarantee everyone you let into your heart will, in one way or another, betray you (or, at the very least, will betray the expectations you've placed on them).

Tarnished Relationships

Have you ever been inside an old fixer-upper house? Nails partially stick out, or lay on the ground - rusted, bent. That's how many of our relationships are. They've been tarnished by betrayal - by lies, unmet expectations, cheating, hurtful words, gossip, broken trust, etc. Our friendships, family relationships, and romantic entanglements are all marred by these. No relationship is safe from these.

I don't mean for this to sound so pessimistic, and it doesn't need to be. Just because a betrayal or hurt happens, doesn't mean the relationship is over or even weaker. Sometimes, it's these betrayals (which are more often just misunderstandings) which challenge a relationship to grow. In fact, my guess would be that the strongest relationships are those which have had to ride out the the most, or some of the biggest, "betrayals" by both of those involved.

Forgiveness

I think we all recognize the importance of forgiveness. If not, allow me to quickly summarize here: Forgive!

Seriously, no matter what betrayal - no matter how big or bad - we must forgive the other person. It isn't just because God tells us we should. It isn't just because God always forgives us. And, it really isn't even for the peace of the person who hurt us. It's for our own well being. It's to strengthen the love and condition of our own hearts.

However... forgiveness does not mean giving that person another chance to hurt us. You can forgive a person, but still make the decision of whether or not to keep that person in your life. And, let's face it, some relationships are just simply not healthy.

Workable or Trash it?

How do we decide if the relationship is salvageable or if the nail is just too bent and rusted to be of any use within our heart?

1. Is the relationship physically abusive (or, any kind of abusive)
If the relationship is abusive, and the abusive person refuses counseling/change, the relationship cannot be salvaged. I completely understand giving someone a chance... but if you hear the words "I'm so sorry... I love you... I'll never do it again..." and he/she does it again? Forgive, and get out.

2. Is the relationship hurting your relationship with God?
If the wrongs done are tearing you from God, it might be time to forgive and walk away. If the relationship in general is pulling you from God, it is time to pray for guidance, and quite possibly time to walk away.

3. Is the relationship bringing the other person closer to God?
Perhaps, instead of pulling you from God, you're finding your influence to be a positive one on the other person. They're betraying, hurtful, abusive ways are stopping. I'd take this as a sign that perhaps you're right where you're supposed to be. Sometimes relationships aren't for our personal benefit - but for the health and well being of another of God's children.

I realize this is a very condensed list. And, I intended it this way. I had considered those relationships where trust is severely broken - perhaps by a cheating spouse, or a lying family member. But the truth is, even these relationships are fixable, if both parties want to fix it. This is how it is with most relationships..

Don't trash it too quickly!

Too often we see relationships tossed aside too quickly. Marriages only last a few years... or even a few months. We go through friends/significant others more often than we change our socks. It's just so much easier to toss that bent nail to the side than to hammer it out.

But tossing it aside is costly. All it does is keep us with weak relationships. The only way to build strong relationships is to weather out the storms together - to communicate, and apologize, and forgive, and move forward together. The only way to build strong relationships is to make a conscious decision to do these things... to keep to our promises and vows; to continue to love; to continue to forgive; to continue to build.

True - it won't always work. True - there are times when you will have to toss that bad nail out. But God doesn't just toss us out when we fail to meet His expectations. He doesn't give up on His relationship with us. We shouldn't be so eager to give up on others.

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies
The Condemned House - Supported by Love

The Condemned House - Supported by Love

 There's one statement I have heard and accepted as truth many times - but when I heard it a week ago, I questioned the validity of it.

"Before you can love someone else, you must first love yourself."

I was taught this - by parents, therapists, pastors, teachers, counselors. I've probably even uttered this phrase (or something similar) to my own children and friends.

And, there perhaps is a truth to it. However....

How do you learn to love yourself? The roof of our condemned house is falling in... the upper floors are about to crash into the main floor... there are no support beams of love holding it all up. We can't truly love others and build these beams because we don't love ourselves. If love of self is the main supporting beam, we're in big trouble. How do we fix it!?!

Easy. We follow what we're told in Mark 12:28-31. Paraphrased: we're first to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength; and then we are to love others as ourselves.

If you notice - loving self is not first. Loving God is. 

We need to make a conscious decision to love the God who first loved us.

See, in general, the reason we don't love ourselves... well, in my case anyway... I am not worthy of love. I'm a sinner. I've lied and cheated and hurt people. I've hated and lusted and envied. I've been angry at God, cursing His name. I've tried to deny His existence. Repeatedly, I have not been a good child of God.

But God? God doesn't care. Well, ok, He cares. But, no matter how unworthy I am... no matter how much crap I've done... He still loves me. He has always loved me. He will never stop loving me. I realize I touched on this a bit in the opening post on The Condemned House, but I find it so vitally important to repairing our hearts that it demands being repeated. God loves us! Despite all our sins and garbage, God still loves us! I think this is the hardest thing for many of us to believe and accept. But believe it!

We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

I can't speak for the rest of you, but for me, the fact that He loves me - the fact that He considers me one of His beloved children? This thought makes me eager to love Him in return. And, it makes me realize that maybe I'm not quite as unlovable as I thought. The more we recognize God loves us, the more we are able to love Him in return, and the more we recognize that we are worth loving. The more we recognize we are worth loving, the more we are able to also love ourselves.

Loving Others as Myself?

Sometimes I feel this verse is worded rather poorly. Consider the ways in which many of us "love" ourselves. We criticize ourselves, drink ourselves to oblivion, have sex with random people, eat unhealthily. We generally suck at loving ourselves. If we were to love others in that same way, the world would probably be even worse off than it already is. I think John 15:12 is worded a bit better:  "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

We need to love others. And, I don't think we need to wait until we love ourselves. 

How do we love others?

What does it mean to love others? What does that look like? Many people see love as the mushy, emotional love we have for a significant other. Others see it as strictly an action-based love - service towards others. For me, I see it as a combination of the two. We are to genuinely care about other people (emotional). We should desire the best for them, and feel with them and for them. But, it is also a love of action. We should be praying for them. We should be helping them - if they need food, feed them; if they need clothes, clothe them; if they need to cry, offer them a shoulder. 

This is where "you should love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31) actually works. Think about it - a medical emergency causes you to lose your job and your little baby is starving. Do you want someone with money and resources to just walk past you and your crying infant, or stop and offer you some food and milk? You can't afford to send your children off to school in anything better than tattered clothes... wouldn't you want someone to drop off a bag of secondhand, but better conditioned, clothes for them? Your downright depressed and hurt and angry, and feel your faith slipping because of what has happened. Do you want me to pass by you without a second glance? Or stop and offer a hug, a shoulder, and a prayer?

Then when you see someone like this, you should do the same. You should buy a gallon of milk for the infant; clothing for the children; a warm meal for the homeless man. You should offer a kind word, a listening ear, and a prayer. 

You should love as you would want to be loved. And as I said before...

Don't wait until you love yourself to love others!

Maybe the phrase to first love yourself before others makes sense in a more intimate relationship (dating... marriage). In relationships like that, it is important to be able to love yourself - to know you're worthy of love. It helps in knowing how to return love, and in how to have a healthy relationship.

But to love your neighbor, stranger, enemy? Your children? Other family members? Coworkers? The homeless guy down the street? 

I believe we can actually learn how to love ourselves, by first loving these people. And we learn how to love both ourselves and others by accepting God's love for us, and recognizing how He loves us. It's a selfless love. It's sacrificial. It's not contingent on any action from the other person. 

And when we realize the depth of this love, we learn how to repeat it to others, and to ourselves. Through the giving of ourselves to others, we learn also to love ourselves. 

We can't wait. We can't say "I must learn to love myself first."If we do that... if we wait for something that may never happen if we can't learn to open our hearts to others... that ceiling is going to cave in. We must build the support beams. We must start showing love and feeling love - to God, to Others, to Self. 

God bless!

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies

The Condemned House - Built with Lies

The one thing more dangerous than growing up in a house without God, is growing up in one built with lies about God.

In our previous articles regarding the condemned house, we briefly touched on Love. We discussed the importance of Trust in rebuilding our hearts. And we discussed the damage of Fear on our hearts.

How do lies affect all of this? 

• Christian lies build fear. They multiply it. Left on their own, they can and will destroy a heart by feeding the fears that reside there. 
• Christian lies betray trust. They hold it back. They keep it from being able to be built and strengthened.

What are Christian Lies?

The lies I speak of are the concepts we're taught growing up in which the Bible or Church is used to support, but which are actually dangerous untruths. For example...

Women are subservient, and must obey their husbands and serve them.
Yes, there are Bible verses which support submission by a wife to her husband... just as there are verses which support the reverse as well. The truth some of us aren't taught is mutual submission, and is a truth which leads to healthy, strong relationships for both husbands and wives. It does not involve the wife being barefoot and pregnant, expected to do her husband's every wish.

It is acceptable to rape or otherwise hurt your wife.
This again plays into those lies of women being property of men. Because the Bible states that if a man rapes a woman he must marry her, some people actually teach that it is ok to rape her. Again, the truth is women are a creation of God, created equal to (though obviously different from) men, and must be treated as wonderful creations of our Lord.

Women cannot have any authority over men.
Again, a lie. Women in the Bible held many different positions of authority, and Jesus acquainted himself with many different women, and even had some as disciples. They were never treated as less than a man.

If you love your children, you won't withhold physical punishment from them. The Bible gives permission to beat children.
I've heard the Proverbs verses used and abused to allow beating of children, molestation of children, a complete stripping of rights and free thinking of children, turning them into obedient little robots. Lies! The Bible tells us, as parents, to use authority to teach our children in the way of the Lord; to discipline (not necessarily punish them) them so they grow up with good morals.

If you do not follow every commandment all the time, you are going to hell!
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying we shouldn't try to follow the commandments. We should try. We should try to be good, loving people. But the truth is, we are human, and we will mess up... repeatedly.

Love means judging others, consistently pointing out all their flaws; reminding them they're going to hell.
Love means love. Love means helping others. Love means giving the shirt off your back and the shoes off your feet to those less fortunate. Love means embracing those who are marginalized, bringing them into the fellowship of Christ. Love means accepting people even if they're sinners (after all, you are one too... as am I... and that person over there...)

If something bad happens, it's punishment for your sins. 
Imagine being told your dog died because you didn't eat all your vegetables. Your friend broke her leg because you didn't clean up your room. Imagine being a child and having your brother beat right in front of your eyes, and being told it's your fault this happened.... that God is punishing him for something you did.

Lies built this house

I'm sure this list could easily be expanded upon. These are simply some of which I have been taught - mostly during my childhood. And, I'm sure many of you will argue with me regarding whether or not some of these are lies. After all, there is some form of biblical support for each of them. Anyone with a Bible and concordance can  find verses to support almost any topic.

But for me, they are lies. They are dangerous lies which kept me from God for so many years. How could I love a God who sanctions child abuse? Or rape? How can I trust in a God who beats another child because of a small mistake I made? Who takes the life of a child because of me?

Houses must be built on Truth!

A house built with these lies will come tumbling down. Hearts built with these lies with forever live in distrust and fear. And what really makes these lies so dangerous? They are built falsely using the Bible. The Bible! God's own Word. God gave a man permission to rape me; my parents permission to beat me! Those lies... oh how they stick with a person, even after you've recognized that they are quite possibly lies.

Houses... Hearts... must be built on God's Truth. We must turn to our Bibles, read the Words ourselves, and recognize that we have a loving God - not a God whom sanctions such actions. God loves His creation - all of His creation...

men, women, children.

You. Me.

May God bless you all with the wonders of His Truth and Love!

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

Catch up on the first two parts of this series! The Condemned House, and The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust


I remember the hairs on the back of my neck raising when he stood behind me, asking such insanely personal questions such as "how are you doing?"

I remember crawling to the back of my closet in the dark, breaking down in the silence.

I remember hating someone, and doing everything in my power to get this person to go away. I remember realizing I love this person, and doing everything in my power to get this person to go away.

I remember apologizing for not being strong enough. I remember apologizing for not being vulnerable enough.

I remember not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being pretty enough, not being nice enough, not being giving enough, not being strong enough in faith, not being perfect enough, not being...

The Secret Room

During my teenage years, my family lived in a 120-year old house. My bedroom for the first year or two living there was on the main floor. It was a pretty cool room, with it's own secrets. One of these secrets was an adjoining room. When I first moved into the bedroom, there was an odd piece of wall paneling nailed to the existing wall. Deciding to remodel, I pulled down this panel, and found a locked, nailed-shut door. Managing to get through that door, I found the room.

That secret room was me. The roof was caving in in one corner. The radiator was broken and laying in a pile of dirt and leaves. There was writing on the wall and moth balls in the closet. And other than these few things, the room was empty. Lonely. And yet strangely safe, hidden behind multiple walls and a locked, nailed-shut door.

Fear Builds Walls

It's amazing how little time it takes to build a wall - how little energy it takes. It's almost as if I have a stack of prefabricated walls stacked up in the corner just waiting for me to need to erect them.

So what is it that brings about this need to erect walls? What makes a secret, abandoned, lonely, empty room so safe and appealing?

Fear.

Fear of failure, success, the future, the past, the unknown, the known, disappointment, love, pain, loneliness, togetherness, not being enough, crying, intimacy...

I could write a book on all the things I'm afraid of. I could write a full set of encyclopedias on all these fears, and the walls they built, and the walls they keep erected. I could write a book about that secret room. Although, I really don't think I'd be able to do that - just the thought of writing about that one secret room has me trembling in fear, near tears, and feeling insanely vulnerable and wanting to throw up walls.

Fear - Satan's Favorite Tool

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18)

Have you ever noticed how fear just seems to grip us, and grow, and occupy all our time and thoughts? We worry about money issues, and if our children are safe and well-adjusted. We get scared of illness, and death, and our futures. All these thoughts and worries and concerns overtake our thoughts to the point where we start to ignore God and His desires for us. We start to unintentionally push the Holy Spirit out.

We get scared of love, of closeness, of being hurt by other people. We fear intimacy, knowing it makes us vulnerable. We worry about being hurt by others; about having our hearts broken again. All these fears cause us to erect walls, keeping away people, not letting them hurt us... but also not allowing love to enter.

God wants us to love, and wants us to learn to love the way He loves. We can't do this if we're consistently filled with fear. We can't do this if we're constantly hiding in our own secret rooms that are hidden by layers of walls and locked doors. Satan knows this, and uses this.

We must stop fear from erecting walls that keep us from loving and being loved. We must learn to pull down existing walls that are keeping us from loving and being loved. 

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

If you haven't already read the first part of "The Condemned House" please do so.  While it doesn't say much, it does explain what I mean by a condemned house...

Now then, assuming you've read the first part (or chose not to)...

First, allow me to state upfront that yes, I do realize Christ should be the foundation on which we stand. I am in no way attempting to say otherwise. However, this post - as all of these in the Condemned House series - is about the state of our own hearts, not only in regard to God/spirituality, but more-so in regards to living healthy lives with healthy relationships in a not-so-healthy environment the world we live in provides. This series deals with the traits we must embrace, and those we must kick out the door, to reach that goal.

A Valid Reason for Distrust

A year and a half ago, I met with a pastor. I didn't know why, or what I needed to talk about. I only knew I needed to talk to someone. One of the first things he said to me as I fidgeted uncomfortably in the chair was "you don't trust me, do you?" He was quite insightful - I didn't trust him. I didn't trust most people.

At that point in my life, I had already recognized my heart needed that condemned sign on it. I had already recognized that I had severe trust issues. But, I didn't see trust issues as much of a problem. I had valid reasons for my lack of trust, as I'm sure most of you with trust issues do. Abandonment, abuse, betrayal - by those who are supposed to care for us...

Why on heaven or earth would we open ourselves up to those possibilities again?

And Yet Another Valid Reason... Maybe

For a few months, this pastor let me cry, let me talk, let me open up. He kept claiming trust was important. And, I started to believe him, and trust him. I started to feel as if my heart were being built up again. I had allowed someone in. And through him and his teaching and guidance, I had allowed God to start working on my heart...on my condemned house. And then this pastor/trusted friend left.

This perceived betrayal put my heart right back in the condition it had been in. The foundation crumbled at my feet. Anger... no... outright hatred... filled my heart. I was crushed. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to scream. I wanted to crawl back behind the boarded up doors and windows and barbed wire fences.

A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

But... this friend shocked me. He didn't leave. Physically, yes, he took a call far from my little town. But he made himself available when I needed a friend. And he put up with a lot of abuse from me as I struck out at him for his betrayal. And somehow through it all, I recognized that he'd been right the whole time - I needed to trust. 

My crumbling foundation was because of that lack of trust. By refusing to let people in... I also reflected that behavior on God, refusing to allow Him to fix up my broken, run-down, unlovable and distrusting heart. 

Rebuild the Foundation of Trust!

Trust is an essential part of healing our hearts. We must trust in God - in His unending love for us; in His miraculous ability to heal a heart as condemned as ours; and in His desire to do that healing. 

But equally, we must trust in His servants - in those He sends to us to help with that healing. We must trust in friends and family and spiritual leaders. We must trust in the guidance followers of God give us. 

Does this mean we won't be hurt? Does this mean that trust won't be betrayed at some point, by mankind? Of course not. We're sinful beings and we will break trust and have our trust broken. But we must continue to allow ourselves to be vulnerable at times, with those people who do care. The more we block ourselves off from trusting others, the more we also block ourselves off from God and all the wonders He can do with rebuilding our broken hearts. 

May God strengthen your ability to heal from betrayals, and rebuild your ability to trust. And may you all find the courage and strength to trust in others and in our Lord. 

God bless!

The Condemned House

Last night's Bible Study was another great one, and really made me think. Quite scary indeed. It started with asking us what we think of when we think of a condemned house. Of course, our answers included run-down, dilapidated, dirty, broken, unlivable, unlikable, dangerous, and many other adjectives.

The lesson discussed how no matter how many coats of paint you cover a condemned house in, it's still this way on the inside. You can pretty-up the outside as much as you want, that doesn't make the inside less broken and dirty.

It then went on to bring this to the state of our own hearts.

How many of us see our own hearts in this same light? I know personally, I should have a "Condemned" sign stamped right across mine. It's broken, run-down, dirty. It is unlovable. And I definitely don't see it as something that can be lived in. It's been abused and mistreated. It's been beaten down and slapped around. It's led me to sin time and again.

I put on masks all the time, hiding what is truly inside. I pretty up the package to disguise the true brokenness that resides within. I slap those coats of bright colored paint on. But I know my heart still has that "Condemned" sign nailed to it. But the paint isn't enough. There are also fences - tall barbed wire fences - keeping people away. Yep, pretty house... move along. You don't want to go in. You don't want to see what's inside. Continue on your way. Just Stay Away!

But there is One who still is willing to love me, regardless of the unlovable nature of my heart. There is still One who is willing to reside within my unlivable heart. As unworthy as I may be, God still loves me. He is still within me. He is busy at work tidying up and patching up all the brokenness. He stands beside me as I slowly allow more to scale that fence and come inside.

No matter how broken you think your heart is... no matter how abused and beaten down and dirty your heart is... God looks beyond that and loves you anyway. We are beloved children of God.

God bless!

Note: this isn't the end of the story of the condemned house. There is so much more to say, it will be expanded on in the days to come.