The Condemned House - Salvageable Relationships

Loving and trusting others leads to one common result - betrayal. Yes, I can pretty much guarantee everyone you let into your heart will, in one way or another, betray you (or, at the very least, will betray the expectations you've placed on them).

Tarnished Relationships

Have you ever been inside an old fixer-upper house? Nails partially stick out, or lay on the ground - rusted, bent. That's how many of our relationships are. They've been tarnished by betrayal - by lies, unmet expectations, cheating, hurtful words, gossip, broken trust, etc. Our friendships, family relationships, and romantic entanglements are all marred by these. No relationship is safe from these.

I don't mean for this to sound so pessimistic, and it doesn't need to be. Just because a betrayal or hurt happens, doesn't mean the relationship is over or even weaker. Sometimes, it's these betrayals (which are more often just misunderstandings) which challenge a relationship to grow. In fact, my guess would be that the strongest relationships are those which have had to ride out the the most, or some of the biggest, "betrayals" by both of those involved.

Forgiveness

I think we all recognize the importance of forgiveness. If not, allow me to quickly summarize here: Forgive!

Seriously, no matter what betrayal - no matter how big or bad - we must forgive the other person. It isn't just because God tells us we should. It isn't just because God always forgives us. And, it really isn't even for the peace of the person who hurt us. It's for our own well being. It's to strengthen the love and condition of our own hearts.

However... forgiveness does not mean giving that person another chance to hurt us. You can forgive a person, but still make the decision of whether or not to keep that person in your life. And, let's face it, some relationships are just simply not healthy.

Workable or Trash it?

How do we decide if the relationship is salvageable or if the nail is just too bent and rusted to be of any use within our heart?

1. Is the relationship physically abusive (or, any kind of abusive)
If the relationship is abusive, and the abusive person refuses counseling/change, the relationship cannot be salvaged. I completely understand giving someone a chance... but if you hear the words "I'm so sorry... I love you... I'll never do it again..." and he/she does it again? Forgive, and get out.

2. Is the relationship hurting your relationship with God?
If the wrongs done are tearing you from God, it might be time to forgive and walk away. If the relationship in general is pulling you from God, it is time to pray for guidance, and quite possibly time to walk away.

3. Is the relationship bringing the other person closer to God?
Perhaps, instead of pulling you from God, you're finding your influence to be a positive one on the other person. They're betraying, hurtful, abusive ways are stopping. I'd take this as a sign that perhaps you're right where you're supposed to be. Sometimes relationships aren't for our personal benefit - but for the health and well being of another of God's children.

I realize this is a very condensed list. And, I intended it this way. I had considered those relationships where trust is severely broken - perhaps by a cheating spouse, or a lying family member. But the truth is, even these relationships are fixable, if both parties want to fix it. This is how it is with most relationships..

Don't trash it too quickly!

Too often we see relationships tossed aside too quickly. Marriages only last a few years... or even a few months. We go through friends/significant others more often than we change our socks. It's just so much easier to toss that bent nail to the side than to hammer it out.

But tossing it aside is costly. All it does is keep us with weak relationships. The only way to build strong relationships is to weather out the storms together - to communicate, and apologize, and forgive, and move forward together. The only way to build strong relationships is to make a conscious decision to do these things... to keep to our promises and vows; to continue to love; to continue to forgive; to continue to build.

True - it won't always work. True - there are times when you will have to toss that bad nail out. But God doesn't just toss us out when we fail to meet His expectations. He doesn't give up on His relationship with us. We shouldn't be so eager to give up on others.

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies
The Condemned House - Supported by Love

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

If you haven't already read the first part of "The Condemned House" please do so.  While it doesn't say much, it does explain what I mean by a condemned house...

Now then, assuming you've read the first part (or chose not to)...

First, allow me to state upfront that yes, I do realize Christ should be the foundation on which we stand. I am in no way attempting to say otherwise. However, this post - as all of these in the Condemned House series - is about the state of our own hearts, not only in regard to God/spirituality, but more-so in regards to living healthy lives with healthy relationships in a not-so-healthy environment the world we live in provides. This series deals with the traits we must embrace, and those we must kick out the door, to reach that goal.

A Valid Reason for Distrust

A year and a half ago, I met with a pastor. I didn't know why, or what I needed to talk about. I only knew I needed to talk to someone. One of the first things he said to me as I fidgeted uncomfortably in the chair was "you don't trust me, do you?" He was quite insightful - I didn't trust him. I didn't trust most people.

At that point in my life, I had already recognized my heart needed that condemned sign on it. I had already recognized that I had severe trust issues. But, I didn't see trust issues as much of a problem. I had valid reasons for my lack of trust, as I'm sure most of you with trust issues do. Abandonment, abuse, betrayal - by those who are supposed to care for us...

Why on heaven or earth would we open ourselves up to those possibilities again?

And Yet Another Valid Reason... Maybe

For a few months, this pastor let me cry, let me talk, let me open up. He kept claiming trust was important. And, I started to believe him, and trust him. I started to feel as if my heart were being built up again. I had allowed someone in. And through him and his teaching and guidance, I had allowed God to start working on my heart...on my condemned house. And then this pastor/trusted friend left.

This perceived betrayal put my heart right back in the condition it had been in. The foundation crumbled at my feet. Anger... no... outright hatred... filled my heart. I was crushed. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to scream. I wanted to crawl back behind the boarded up doors and windows and barbed wire fences.

A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

But... this friend shocked me. He didn't leave. Physically, yes, he took a call far from my little town. But he made himself available when I needed a friend. And he put up with a lot of abuse from me as I struck out at him for his betrayal. And somehow through it all, I recognized that he'd been right the whole time - I needed to trust. 

My crumbling foundation was because of that lack of trust. By refusing to let people in... I also reflected that behavior on God, refusing to allow Him to fix up my broken, run-down, unlovable and distrusting heart. 

Rebuild the Foundation of Trust!

Trust is an essential part of healing our hearts. We must trust in God - in His unending love for us; in His miraculous ability to heal a heart as condemned as ours; and in His desire to do that healing. 

But equally, we must trust in His servants - in those He sends to us to help with that healing. We must trust in friends and family and spiritual leaders. We must trust in the guidance followers of God give us. 

Does this mean we won't be hurt? Does this mean that trust won't be betrayed at some point, by mankind? Of course not. We're sinful beings and we will break trust and have our trust broken. But we must continue to allow ourselves to be vulnerable at times, with those people who do care. The more we block ourselves off from trusting others, the more we also block ourselves off from God and all the wonders He can do with rebuilding our broken hearts. 

May God strengthen your ability to heal from betrayals, and rebuild your ability to trust. And may you all find the courage and strength to trust in others and in our Lord. 

God bless!

I Have Engraved You...

 

Ever feel abandoned by someone you care about? Ever feel betrayed by someone who said they would always be there for you, but has suddenly walked out of your life? Ever feel rejected by someone whom you thought had accepted you?

It sucks.

But...

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
Psalm 27:10 “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”
Isaiah 49:16 “See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”

God is always there. He has written your name on the palms of his hands. He will not forsake you. This is a bit of a comfort.

Expectations

When I was growing up, I never really fit in anywhere. I had friends - usually just one or two close trusted friends, and a few whom I considered friends even though we didn't trade secrets. But whenever there was a get together of a group of people... even if my friends were there, I felt like an outsider. Those who really know me, understand that this hasn't changed.

But, me being an outsider isn't the point of this post. The point is...

When I was in ninth grade, I believe it was in late winter or early spring, our high school started an environmental group. The first meeting had probably 100 or more students show up. We hired officers. And, of course, the popular students got the positions. But, that was ok. I took notes that first day. I wrote the meeting minutes. I wasn't the secretary, or any other position, but I liked the idea of this group and was eager to get involved. I met with the leader after that first meeting. Vance was a college student, and his enthusiasm in environmental issues was very intoxicating and addictive.

After that first meeting, we only had maybe a dozen or less students at every meeting - and none of those people were the actual officers. I'm the one Vance called when he had an idea for an activity. I'm the one who helped him contact the rest of the group. I'm the one who was at every event and meeting. I contacted the media to get our group on the news. I dug through tons of trash cans and boxes of garbage, separating out all the recyclables. I brought my brother with me when our group toured a recycling plant. I loved the group. I felt I truly belonged somewhere.

Unfortunately, school finished for the year... and after a few meetings in the early summertime, Vance stopped calling. I tried contacting him a few times with some ideas, but he didn't return my calls. I later found out that Vance had only started the group to earn some college credits. Once his goal was met, he was gone.

This is someone I had looked up to. He had gotten me excited in something. He had made me believe in something. I had trusted him. I had expected him to have the dedication and desire to keep the group going... I had expected him to stay loyal to the group, and to me. And he let me down. It took me the rest of the summer and a couple months into my sophomore year before I finally got the hint and accepted that he wasn't coming back.

Now that I think back on this... I have just realized that I don't think I really ever forgave him. I'm still angry about his betrayal. But again, this isn't the point. Moving on...

Since Vance, there have been a few more people who've affected meas he did. And by few, I mean one... maybe two. And these few betrayed me as well. And, by betrayed, I mean they went against my expectations. They followed their own desires rather than what I wanted.

As humans, we tend to place expectations on people - especially people we care about, those we trust and/or love. And these expectations are almost always unrealistic. We expect people to be faithful to us. We expect them to be there when we're hurting. We expect them to support us emotionally. We expect them to not hurt us or betray us. We expect them to not leave. We expect them to put our desires first. But, no one can hold to all these expectations all the time.

We need to learn to let go of expectations of people, and accept that others will hurt us from time to time.

There is only one place to put those expectations where we will not be disappointed - provided we don't make those expectations unrealistic.

We can place expectations in God. I'm not talking about expecting him to grant our every whim and desire. I'm talking about expecting him to love us unconditionally. I'm talking about expecting our sins to be forgiven through the sacrifice of his son. I'm talking about expecting him to be there beside us, lifting us up, through good times and especially bad.

God will not betray us. He will not leave us. He will not choose his own selfish desires over our needs. So, "Put your expectations on God - not on people" (Joyce Meyer).