The Condemned House - Salvageable Relationships

Loving and trusting others leads to one common result - betrayal. Yes, I can pretty much guarantee everyone you let into your heart will, in one way or another, betray you (or, at the very least, will betray the expectations you've placed on them).

Tarnished Relationships

Have you ever been inside an old fixer-upper house? Nails partially stick out, or lay on the ground - rusted, bent. That's how many of our relationships are. They've been tarnished by betrayal - by lies, unmet expectations, cheating, hurtful words, gossip, broken trust, etc. Our friendships, family relationships, and romantic entanglements are all marred by these. No relationship is safe from these.

I don't mean for this to sound so pessimistic, and it doesn't need to be. Just because a betrayal or hurt happens, doesn't mean the relationship is over or even weaker. Sometimes, it's these betrayals (which are more often just misunderstandings) which challenge a relationship to grow. In fact, my guess would be that the strongest relationships are those which have had to ride out the the most, or some of the biggest, "betrayals" by both of those involved.

Forgiveness

I think we all recognize the importance of forgiveness. If not, allow me to quickly summarize here: Forgive!

Seriously, no matter what betrayal - no matter how big or bad - we must forgive the other person. It isn't just because God tells us we should. It isn't just because God always forgives us. And, it really isn't even for the peace of the person who hurt us. It's for our own well being. It's to strengthen the love and condition of our own hearts.

However... forgiveness does not mean giving that person another chance to hurt us. You can forgive a person, but still make the decision of whether or not to keep that person in your life. And, let's face it, some relationships are just simply not healthy.

Workable or Trash it?

How do we decide if the relationship is salvageable or if the nail is just too bent and rusted to be of any use within our heart?

1. Is the relationship physically abusive (or, any kind of abusive)
If the relationship is abusive, and the abusive person refuses counseling/change, the relationship cannot be salvaged. I completely understand giving someone a chance... but if you hear the words "I'm so sorry... I love you... I'll never do it again..." and he/she does it again? Forgive, and get out.

2. Is the relationship hurting your relationship with God?
If the wrongs done are tearing you from God, it might be time to forgive and walk away. If the relationship in general is pulling you from God, it is time to pray for guidance, and quite possibly time to walk away.

3. Is the relationship bringing the other person closer to God?
Perhaps, instead of pulling you from God, you're finding your influence to be a positive one on the other person. They're betraying, hurtful, abusive ways are stopping. I'd take this as a sign that perhaps you're right where you're supposed to be. Sometimes relationships aren't for our personal benefit - but for the health and well being of another of God's children.

I realize this is a very condensed list. And, I intended it this way. I had considered those relationships where trust is severely broken - perhaps by a cheating spouse, or a lying family member. But the truth is, even these relationships are fixable, if both parties want to fix it. This is how it is with most relationships..

Don't trash it too quickly!

Too often we see relationships tossed aside too quickly. Marriages only last a few years... or even a few months. We go through friends/significant others more often than we change our socks. It's just so much easier to toss that bent nail to the side than to hammer it out.

But tossing it aside is costly. All it does is keep us with weak relationships. The only way to build strong relationships is to weather out the storms together - to communicate, and apologize, and forgive, and move forward together. The only way to build strong relationships is to make a conscious decision to do these things... to keep to our promises and vows; to continue to love; to continue to forgive; to continue to build.

True - it won't always work. True - there are times when you will have to toss that bad nail out. But God doesn't just toss us out when we fail to meet His expectations. He doesn't give up on His relationship with us. We shouldn't be so eager to give up on others.

The Condemned House series

Did you miss the other posts in this series? Catch up on them now!

The Condemned House

The Condemned House - A Crumbling Foundation of Trust

The Condemned House - Walls Built from Fear

The Condemned House - Built with Lies
The Condemned House - Supported by Love

Selfish, Unforgiving, Or Just Weak-minded?

I'd like to begin this post with an apology - I should have the patience to actually look up verses rather than refer to "that one verse"... but I'm angry and trying to hammer out these words...

I have read many posts recently which talk about avoiding people. We should not hang out with those who do not believe as we do. We should not be married or stay married to someone who does not follow Christ. We should abandon friends who do not believe the same as we do about marriage, friendship, Christianity, etc.

These people quote the Bible. And yes, this is where I will be lazy and not put in the Bible verses they use. But yes... they do quote the Bible. These verses say we should not hang out with those who sin because hey, we're all to freaking weak to make our own decisions. We're all too weak to say, "hey, I realize you think it is ok to sleep with the football team... but that's not what God teaches us."

Yes, there are verses which say we should not associate with "bad people." But, aren't we all "bad people"? Do we simply accept these verses and completely ignore the fact that a) we're supposed to love everyone, b) we're supposed to share God's love and message with everyone, and c) there's even some place in 1 Corinthians that talks about being an example to a non-believing spouse.

True, if you have that one person who is trying to get you to sin.. that one person who encourages bad behavior on your part, then avoid them. But only after trying to witness to them. Don't just say "oh, you're a bad influence, I refuse to speak to you anymore." Are you really so much a lemming that you can't stand up to sin? You have to completely ditch a person rather than try to be a good influence because you're too afraid of the other person being a bad influence?

Maybe this is what is wrong with the world. We're too busy either turning our backs on people, or preaching rather than being a loving example of Christ. We're too busy being selfish and not wanting to actually have to stand up and be strong in Christ. It's easier to get rid of bad influences than to try to be a good influence. It's easier to turn our back on a potential follower of Christ, than to help lead that person to Christ.

We're just too selfish, unforgiving, and/or weak-minded to be the witnesses God has asked us to be.

I Love You, But I Don't Like You Much

I remember early on in my relationship with my husband - I got upset with him. I can't remember why. I only remember saying something about not liking him, which scared him. He assumed I meant that I don't love him.

"No... I said I don't like you. I love you... but right now, I don't like you very much."

It was at this point that I had to explain to him that there are many different kinds of love, and in varying degrees. There are your selfish loves and your selfless ones. Passionate, physical ones, and loves that come from the soul. There are loves you feel towards family... towards friends... towards lovers... towards God. And you can feel multiple forms of love for one person.

Because of the different forms, and only having one word in the English language to encompass all of them,  miscommunication are commonplace. I will say I love someone else, and my husband will become jealous. Or, I will tell a friend I love him/her, and they will assume I mean something with sexual connotations. Or, they will assume I want something from them.

The Main Types of Love

Philia/Phileo: brotherly love - the love we have towards friends, companions. This love is found often in the Bible.

Storge: familial love - the natural love which exists between parents, children, siblings, etc. This love is not stated specifically in the Bible, but there are many examples of it existing.

Eros: erotic love - the sexual, physical love that exists between two people. While not stated in the Bible either, eros is the form of love written of in Song of Solomon.

Agape: unconditional love - the truest form of love. This love is often considered a divine love as it is God's love for us, and the love Christ wants us each to have with each other, is unconditional. This love is found in the Bible.

If You Love Me, You'll... 

All forms of love, with the exception of agape, generally have conditions applied. Because of our human nature, we often attach these conditions without even thinking about it.

If you love me, you'll stay. You'll be faithful. You'll share your time with me. You'll teach me. You'll hold me. You'll have sex with me. You'll cook for me. You'll give up your career for me. You'll give up your friends for me. You'll...

Well, you get the point. I've done it many times. I've had many people do it to me. But do you notice the common theme? You will do something for me. Love like this is the epitome of selfishness. But, we brush it off because we often reciprocate - we will be selfless to the person we love whom is acting selfishly. In other words - it's ok if I say "if you love me, you'll give up your friends for me" because last night, you said "if you love me, you'll have sex with me" and I obliged. We often unwittingly trade favors and expectations to justify our selfishness.

Because I Love You, I'll...

Because "God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son... " (John 3:16)

I have always disliked the phrase "If you love me, you'll..." even though I am just as guilty of it as anyone else. I may not say it, but the unspoken message is there. But this isn't how God wants us to love. He wants us to love as He does... "Because I love you, I'll..."

I'll be there for you. I'll hold you when you need comfort. I will wait for you. I will forgive you no matter what you do against me. I will not do anything to harm you. I will not take anything that is yours. I will show patience and understanding. I will not expect anything from you - including  not expecting you to do any of these things which I will do for you, and not expecting you to not do any of the things I will not do to you. I will accept you as you are.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Agape isn't easy. Some would say it's virtually impossible for us as humans to truly reach this form of love. And perhaps for us to love this way 100% of the time is impossible. We will always have human nature - human sin - human selfishness - pulling at us. But this is no excuse for us to not always aim for this kind of love with everyone.

Yes, with your spouse, there will be eros. But that doesn't mean there shouldn't also be agape. With friends, with enemies, with the beggar you met on the street corner - love them as God teaches us to love. With children, with teachers, with co-workers and bosses - love them as God teaches us to love. With God... love Him as He has taught us.

As soon as that "if he really loved me..." enters your mind, squash it. Pray on it. Pray for selflessness in your love. Pray for unconditional love.

We're Meant to Carry Each Other

Many times, from conception until death, we're carried by someone else.

As unborn babies, our mothers carry us within their own bodies, nurturing and protecting us. As infants, unable to care for our own needs, we are carried and cared for by family and friends. Someone is there to nurture and protect us. Even after we learn to walk on our own, we sometimes need someone to carry us. We fall off our bike and need mom to carry us into the house and tend to our wounds. We feel sick and too weak to walk on our own, so our fathers bring us up to bed. We learn who we can trust to carry us.

As we get older, being carried by others tends to take on a less physical sense, and more an emotional one. Our friends and loved ones carry us emotionally when our feelings get hurt or when we're grieving. They're there to hug us and nurture us emotionally. They're there when we need advice or a helping hand or just someone to make us smile. Time and again those we trust are called on to carry us.

As we grow old and our minds and bodies begin to show their age, we find ourselves once again needing to be carried by others. We need someone to help us remember where things are and how to do things and which name goes to which face. We need someone to support our weight as our legs begin to fail us. We need someone to hold our hand when the doctor gives us bad news. Even as we age, we still call on those we trust to carry us.

And when our time comes to an end and we're lying in that casket, our loved ones carry us one last time.With heavy hearts, filled with sorrow and love, they hold tight to those casket handles as our bodies are placed in the ground, and our souls are lifted to heaven.

And just as throughout our lives we find ourselves relying on others to carry us, so also will we find ourselves being called on to carry others. God places us in the lives of others to lift them up and carry them in their time of need.


This is what God intended. He created us to lift each other up, just as he lifts us. We are meant to carry each other just as He carries us. I'm sure you've all heard the poem "Footprints in the Sand" (If not, please look it up. Wonderful poem!). This is a poem of God walking with us and carrying us. And so should it be with us towards each other. When we are told to love each other as God loves us, this means to also carry each other and carry each others' burdens.

The Only Bra that Works - The Christian Bra!

It was recently said to me, "I hope you have a strong Christian support group to turn to." I found it rather offensive (no offense to the person who said it) that the word "Christian" had to be thrown in this statement.

When I was 12, I was almost raped. My parents intervened, and told me flat out that I must have been acting like a whore for this to have happened. My parents were good Christian, church-going folk. A few years later, I was almost raped in a seldom-used hallway in my high school. My God-fearing guidance counselor told me "it takes two to tango" when I reported the event. So, the summer before I turned 17, when I was raped in the park by a "friend" of mine (also a good church-going Christian, might I add), I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to be blamed yet again.

Now then, let me back up just a little... around the time when I was 14 or so, I had turned my parents in for child abuse (a whole other story which you can find snippets of in my blog) to my pastor. He told me I must honor my father and my mother... and then proceeded to tell them the "lies" I had told him, which ended up with me nearly being hospitalized. Obviously, this was not a place to go when help was needed. After I was raped, I felt like I had no one I could trust who would actually believe me and give me the comfort and support I needed.

Fast forward a bit... the fall after I was raped, I still still only 16 at the time, but I started college (full time college for high school credit). I never stepped foot in the high school again other than necessary conversations with my guidance counselor, and occasional meetings with another counselor whom was more friend to me than anything else. Instead, I got wrapped up in college life. The friends I made - some were very devout Christians, some were atheists, one particularly wonderful young lady was Islam, and many just didn't know what they were. They were still trying to figure that out.

But each one - regardless of race, color, creed, religion, etc - each one of them gave me more support and love than I had ever thought I deserved. Of course, by this time, I was pretty broken and thought myself beyond any form of redemption... but they still tried. They held me when I cried. They loved me when I intentionally cut myself. They dropped everything they were doing to help me through one of my suicide attempts. They risked repercussions by hiding me in their dorm rooms when I ran away from home.

This wasn't a Christian support group. This was an incredibly comforting and supportive group of friends. It didn't matter if they were Christian. It didn't matter if they spoke of Jesus or Allah or the fates. And, this was the wonderful thing about this group - no one hid their beliefs. No one pushed their beliefs on the others... and no one felt they had to hide what they did believe. No one feared judgement or felt a need to pass judgement. They held each others hand when needed, and gave them that friendly smack upside the head when that's what was needed.

I guess my point to this whole little tale... you don't need a Christian support group to get through life's problems. In my opinion, you do need Christ... but your friends do not need to be Christian. I just pray anyone who is experiencing or has experienced any tragedy - abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), rape, suicidal thoughts, depression, mental/emotional/personality disorders, the death of a loved one, etc. - I pray you have a Support Group. I pray you have friends who will lift you up and carry you when you need it. It doesn't matter if these people believe in God, Allah, or the dust mites under their bed... just so long as they believe that you deserve love and are willing to show that love to you.

God bless each of you!

Your Arms, God's Hug

I grew up quickly learning not to depend on people. Physical pain - suck it up and deal with. Emotional pain - suck it up and deal with it. No one cared. Well, that wasn't true. My siblings cared. They understood. But we only comforted each other in secret out of fear. When you grow up like this, it's very difficult to change the mindset that you don't need other people. That you don't need God.

It took me a while, but I slowly started realizing I needed God. And, as life became increasingly chaotic and frightening, and I didn't know if I could handle much more, I realized God wasn't enough.

I truly hate to put it that way. God wasn't enough?

But, I truly feel that way at times.... or, perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that there are times I am too weak to reach out, and too weak to let Him be enough.

There are times I need that physical representation of Him. I need someone to pray with me, or - when really weak - pray for me. I need someone to wrap his arms around me while reminding me that God is holding me. I need someone I can yell at about what a cruel God we ave... and someone who can remind me God understands my anger.

All of this is especially true when I'm in the midst of brokenness. During those difficult times, it's often hard for me to realize God is there with me. He does love me. He is holding me, and understanding of my anger, frustration, tears, and doubts. It is during those difficult times when I find I cannot pray for myself, or for whatever is causing my pain, and during those times when I don't think God would even listen to someone as bad as me.

It was in a moment of despair like this when God sent me an answer to my unspoken prayer. He sent to me a friend - someone to show me God's love and grace. It might have been this friend's arms around me, but it was God holding me close.

And God continues to bless me daily with wonderful friends.

Thank you Lord, and God bless all of you.

I Hate Funerals

This may seem like a rather "Duh!" thing to say that I hate funerals. I can't think of too many people who actually enjoy them. Funerals mean someone you care about has left this earth. Or someone close to someone you love. It means grief and hardship and tears - either from yourself or from someone you love.

Yesterday I attended my fourth funeral. Yes, while I have lost many people in my life, I have only been to 4 funerals. In general, I prefer to say my goodbyes in private - not in a funeral home or church. But, I did go to four - and these were more to be there for the family and friends still alive.

In all four of these cases, while I was close to 3 of the 4 who passed away, I was especially close to the family and friends of each of them. We had shared a lot of laughter and tears, hugs and prayers. And sitting in a funeral service, all you can do is watch each of these loved ones in visible pain. 

And this is what makes funerals difficult for me. It isn't just knowing I've lost someone. It's watching others whom I love in pain. I hate seeing people hurting. I hate knowing there really isn't much that can be said in that moment to make things ok. Yes, we offer condolences and hugs. We say those beautiful things like "he's in a better place now." But really... in that moment when we lose a cherished member of our family (this includes those close friends as well), we know they're in a better place. But that doesn't change the fact that they have left us. Yes, we know they're looking down on us. But that doesn't change the fact that we can no longer hold their hand or hear their voice.

What can you say to someone who has lost a spouse or a parent or a beloved friend? How can you help take some of that pain away? The truth is, in my opinion, there is nothing that can be said or done which will, in that moment, ease their suffering. However, what you say or do will be remembered - or, rather, the sentiment and love behind your actions will be remembered.  This is why the words you say aren't that important. The fact that you were there for them is what is important. Send a card, give them a hug, bake them a dish, offer to take care of their kids. And always remind them God is with them in this trying time. Yes, they may not believe it in that moment, but it's still good to hear.