The Lost Art of the Confessional

Before I begin, allow me to remind you that I'm Lutheran, and up until a few years ago, I really didn't have much to do with any church. Therefore, this post will not apply to everyone or make sense to everyone.

That said...

I recall visiting with a pastor a couple years ago regarding confession - whether or not it's something that we should do privately with a pastor or someone. And he explained how confession is important - both directly to God through prayer, and through the confession and forgiveness portion of service - but that anything more than that wasn't necessary (although there is nothing wrong with it, either). So, my only experience with private confession was generally through email to him - not in any professional confession and forgiveness format.

A couple weeks ago, particularly weighted down by a lot of stress, I went to speak to my pastor, and he asked if I'd want to do a private confession and forgiveness with him. Now, first, I didn't even know this existed (I don't generally read through the entire worship book/hymnal). And second, you want me to what? I agreed... but wow did I learn something. Confessing your sins to a pastor (or anyone for that matter) takes a whole lot of trust.

Let me interrupt my own babbling for a moment to explain a few things...

1) pastors/priests are not to divulge anything said to them in the confessional to anyone else; so there should be an inherent trust built in. However, I have trust issues with people, including (and perhaps especially) pastors.

2) I am not saying I distrust this particular pastor. If that were the case, I wouldn't have even been there speaking to him. But again, I have trust issues.

This entire experience pushed my trust to limits I was not used to. And it wasn't even anything major (i.e. no, I did not confess to killing anyone, or cheating, or anything like that). But regardless, it pushed my trust limits and opened up a whole new level of discomfort. And, it also opened up a whole new level of comfort and peace.

Will I do this again? Yes. And for those who've never had the experience of an individual confession and forgiveness - when you're feeling weighted down by your sin; when speaking directly to God through prayer doesn't seem to alleviate that weight; when you just really need to dump all that garbage off yourself; when you desperately need to hear that God does indeed forgive you - I recommend going to your pastor and requesting this.

God bless!

I'll Sit With You

A loved one breaks down in tears. Her pain evident. You know she's going through something difficult. And...

You can't seem to find the words. You want to comfort the person, but the words fail you. You want to pray with and for the person, but the words aren't there.

Today, I was venting to a good friend of mine over some past injuries that had come back to haunt me. There really was nothing that could be said in that moment to comfort me, other than the four words which were stated... "I'll sit with you."

"I'll sit with you while you cry."
"I'll sit with you while you vent."
"I'll sit with you for as long as you need me."
"I'll sit with you."

Simple words, simple phrases... and often the most comforting. In all the times I have grieved, or been hurt, or angry, or any other intense emotion - the kind of emotions that make many people (including myself) uncomfortable, and unsure of how to help - the most helpful and comforting thing anyone has done for me has been to just be there. Words aren't needed. A hug, an arm around the shoulders, or just sitting with me - that's what mattered. Just that presence let me know that someone cared and I was not alone.

And, if we think about it, this is what God does for us as well, and this is what we often find ourselves asking Him for. Yes, of course we pray for physical healing, or help out of financial strains, or the ability to forgive someone who has hurt us deeply. But most of all, we want to know He is sitting there with us. And every time we do this for another... every time we say "I'll sit with you".... we are reminding that person that God is sitting there as well. That person is not alone.

So remember... the next time you are fumbling for words to comfort a friend, all you need are four little words: "I'll sit with you."

Cannot Yet Quiet My Soul

I remember looking down at my babies as they slept quietly, contently, in my arms. There was almost a tangible trust and peacefulness there - a calm that can never be truly expressed with words. I often found (and still find) myself wondering if I ever had that same quiet trust.

Somewhere, at some point in time, the harshness of the world invaded my soul. There was no quiet. There was no peace. There was no quiet trust in parents, or in God. I saw God in the same light I saw my parents - uncaring, abusive, cruel, chaotic.

As I matured (ok, so perhaps "matured" isn't the right word, as I am still quite immature) and was mentored (just within the last couple years) I began to separate God from my parents. I began to understand Him as loving, nurturing, trustworthy. But this did not change my chaotic soul. I start to find some calm and then the harshness of the world sweeps in like a violent tornado, taking me with it.

Tonight, in Bible study, we read the story of Jesus with Martha and Mary, where Mary sits quietly at Jesus feet, listening to Him whilst Martha scurries about busy with everything she felt needed to be done. The past few weeks, I have been Martha. I've been worrying about everything happening, and everything needing to be done. I haven't allowed myself to simply sit at Jesus feet and listen. I haven't given myself a chance to focus on God, and on allowing Him to bring me comfort and peace.

I am still trying to learn how to remain calm in the storm; how to trust God through the turmoil; how keep my soul at peace in the midst of the world's screams.

I am still in need of someone telling me "Peace, Brandi, Peace"... someone reminding me to breath and be calm and let myself feel the peace of Christ.

Psalm 131:2 (NRSV)

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

Perhaps, some day, I'll get there... Although, I must admit, for a moment I felt that quiet tonight. A very brief moment, but a moment all the same.

May the peace of Christ be with you all...

My One Prayer This Season

Many years ago (about 20 or so) I wrote a poem... Never Trust, Never Cry. I held to this motto for years. Over 20 years to be honest. It wasn't until a good friend taught me that it's ok to trust people... it's ok to open up to others... it's ok to let them see me cry... that I started to go against the words of my poem. I went against my mantra.

Tonight, I wrote a post about crying in public - about how so many see those tears and walk away. To be honest, this is a pain that hurts more than holding those tears in. It's the reason I did hold those tears in for so long. But, this isn't about me. It isn't about those who walk away. It's about those who've stayed near. It's about the lessons I've learned from those who haven't walked away.

Thank you God. You have given me a family - not all born of the same blood, but all with more heart and love than I deserve or expected. You've given me sisters who have stayed by my side; brothers who have given me some of strongest and most heartfelt lessons. You've given me people who have loved me; and more importantly have taught me how to love others. I often over look the gifts You've bestowed upon me - I get selfish; get angry that my expectations aren't met. But You have given me so much more than my expectations.

My one prayer this season is that you give me the courage, strength, and love to not ignore another's tears. Give me the ability to recognize the pain and need in another's heart - to be the reflection of comfort you offer us all. Let my arms hold another as if they are Your arms. Let my words bring the peace and comfort only You can give. Let me never be the person to bring upon the pain and emptiness that is felt when someone sees tears and still walks away. Help me to love as You have loved.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

God's Answer to a Prayer for Comfort

I think it's safe to say that at one point in all our lives, things just get downright ugly. Granted, this ugliness is relative, and some have more than one point of ugliness, but, ugly all the same.

This is how it's been for the past couple years for my family, and for that of my in-laws. In the summer of 2011, my husband's kidney function dropped fast and a transplant was required. Two months later, his 72 year old mother broke her ankle and spent the next 9 months having surgery after surgery to correct it. The summer of 2012, my father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given 6-12 months to live. A month after that diagnosis, my husband developed a foot ulcer which resulted in an amputation of half his right foot. This summer/fall, my husband is battling a sore on his other foot, which we've been told could lead to a below-the-knee amputation... and my father-in-law's cancer has started spreading quickly again after a few months of being stable (it wasn't gone... just wasn't growing). Additionally, my father-in-law just had surgery two weeks ago to put a rod in his leg.

So needless to say but I'll say it anyway, the wives of these two men occasionally become basket-cases. Depression, hopelessness, helplessness - it all overtakes us. We pray. We go to church. We have faith. And believe me... if anyone tells me we're just not praying hard enough, or just don't have enough faith, I will scream. Why? Because we do pray hard enough and we do believe enough. But sometimes bad things happen to good people. That's life.

Anyway, this past week I have watched Mom break down repeatedly. Tears spring to her eyes at the slightest provocation. I've been there. I am there. At times, I can bury it. At times, I need to. At times, I break down in the privacy of my dark room. In years past, Mom and I (and our husbands/families) always had one person we could call on - a friend who was always there for us. It helped, of course, that he lived across the road from her and only a block away from me. Now, he's a few states away. So earlier this week, I felt lost. Where do we turn when we need that physical person to offer comfort?

Yes, yes, seek God. We KNOW that. But honestly... everyone reading this - is seeking God always enough, or don't you sometimes need someone being the arms and ears and voice of God? Working for Him, having Him working through a friend? Real arms wrapped around you, knowing it's God's arms? Real hands holding yours and praying with you? Maybe it's just us two basket-case women who need this.

So anyway, physically ill on Monday, and emotionally distraught, and spiritually lost... I prayed. I knew Mom needed more than I could offer, and I didn't know where to turn. Tuesday morning, it was more of the same. Well... I spoke to her that morning, and she had to cut the conversation short.... the pastor of my church was at her house. Someone else had contacted him asking him to go see her. Later, the pastor of her church visited with her. Both of those events were great for her. Very needed. But still not enough....

But then yesterday afternoon, I went to her house to see if she wanted to come to a volleyball game with me - get her out of the house, let her watch her granddaughter knock a ball around. I walked into her living room and there she sat in the rocking chair, her eyes lit up, a content, peaceful, joyful smile on her face... and a little sleeping baby in her arms.

A friend (and wife to the pastor of my church) had stopped by with her little 3-month old baby, and I could see immediately that just holding that little baby had made all of Mom's problems seem small in that moment. Perhaps had even allowed those problems to flutter away, at least temporarily. I invited this friend to join us at the game... where I then spent much of the next 4 hours holding this little bundle of babbling, drooling adorableness. Every smile, every time he gripped my finger, even every time he spit up all over me - there was just no room for problems and worries and tears about what was happening in my life. Within the cooing smiles and even within the scrunched up I'm-going-to-scream face... there was something comforting. This baby (perhaps because of the timing, perhaps because he was chosen by God to be our comfort, or perhaps just because he's so cute) made us remember hope, and love, and God's miracles. He brought us a light - one so much needed at that moment.

Don't get me wrong - his parents both helped Mom a great deal... and myself. It was a fun night getting to know them a little more and just being out and about watching a volleyball game and talking. But it was this baby who brought us the most comfort.

Baby Therapy! I don't think there is any drug on the market that works better. Hopefully the parents don't start charging... although, they could easily make a great deal of money :)

God bless! And thank you!

Safe Haven

Last night I was feeling under the weather. Despite having slept for a few hours earlier in the evening, I was exhausted again by 10pm. Deciding to turn in early, I went to make sure our dogs were taken care of. I couldn't find the older one.

Eventually I located her - curled up in my room, next to my spot. She never goes in my room - unless it's going to storm. Then, it's her safe haven. So, I ventured outside with the puppy... and sure enough, lightning was starting to be visible.Shortly after getting the puppy settled into her spot, the thunder started. The older dog tucked herself further away from the door of the room, and the younger one started whimpering and trembling uncontrollably.

I unleashed the puppy, and brought her into my bed with me. Usually, being in my bed means running around and trying to dig a hole in my mattress. But last night, she licked my face, then curled up as close to me as she could get. As I wrapped my arms around her, the trembling stopped.

Sometimes, this is what we need. I know people say that with God, there is no need to fear. Fear not for he is with us. But when the storm comes, how easily we forget this. And how little it can sometimes mean. Don't take that the wrong way - having God in our lives can definitely help ease fear. But there are times when we need more than that. We need the physical representation of God's love. We need the physical representation of God's arms around us. We all need a physical safe haven - somewhere we can hide from the storm.

There is nothing wrong with needing a safe haven... or with being someone's safe haven. I believe this is part of our responsibilities towards each other - to be the physical representation of God's love. When we are told to love each other as God loves us - does God not love us by easing our fears? By giving us shelter from the storm?

May we all learn to be this representation - this shelter - to those who are afraid. May we all help ease their fears in God's name.

Your Arms, God's Hug

I grew up quickly learning not to depend on people. Physical pain - suck it up and deal with. Emotional pain - suck it up and deal with it. No one cared. Well, that wasn't true. My siblings cared. They understood. But we only comforted each other in secret out of fear. When you grow up like this, it's very difficult to change the mindset that you don't need other people. That you don't need God.

It took me a while, but I slowly started realizing I needed God. And, as life became increasingly chaotic and frightening, and I didn't know if I could handle much more, I realized God wasn't enough.

I truly hate to put it that way. God wasn't enough?

But, I truly feel that way at times.... or, perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that there are times I am too weak to reach out, and too weak to let Him be enough.

There are times I need that physical representation of Him. I need someone to pray with me, or - when really weak - pray for me. I need someone to wrap his arms around me while reminding me that God is holding me. I need someone I can yell at about what a cruel God we ave... and someone who can remind me God understands my anger.

All of this is especially true when I'm in the midst of brokenness. During those difficult times, it's often hard for me to realize God is there with me. He does love me. He is holding me, and understanding of my anger, frustration, tears, and doubts. It is during those difficult times when I find I cannot pray for myself, or for whatever is causing my pain, and during those times when I don't think God would even listen to someone as bad as me.

It was in a moment of despair like this when God sent me an answer to my unspoken prayer. He sent to me a friend - someone to show me God's love and grace. It might have been this friend's arms around me, but it was God holding me close.

And God continues to bless me daily with wonderful friends.

Thank you Lord, and God bless all of you.

One Man, One Cross, One New Peace

2 Corinthians 1:2-7

2 Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Recently, at random moments throughout the day, I feel this burning sensation on my forehead. Not a painful burn... a tingling of sorts, a deep warmth. And I reach up to that spot in the middle of my forehead and catch myself tracing a cross with my thumb, as this is the shape of the burning. And as I do so, I feel a sudden comfort, and I feel very much not alone, and I feel like I am more than me.

It is such a difficult concept to try to explain. I have been trying to make sense of it in my own mind, and when this failed, I turned to this computer screen. But, I am finding it equally difficult to explain here. It is a feeling that cannot be described - it must be felt.

I first felt it months ago. I had been in distress, troubled and worried over family members who were suffering health problems. I sought spiritual guidance for the first time in my life, and during this time, one man (the one giving me this guidance I so desperately needed) made the symbol of a cross on my forehead. A couple months later, he did this again. Both times moved me more than words can describe. A few weeks ago, someone else did this as well. And it renewed that feeling. And now, I find myself doing this often and randomly. And I feel that peace and comfort fill me. And I know I am not alone.

All it took was one man, making one cross, to bring me a new peace I had never known before.
All it took was one man, dying on one cross, to bring us all a new peace. 

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” (1 Peter 2:24)