Lessons Learned at the End of a Rope

Many of us have, at one time or another, reached the end of our rope. We're going through too much. We're desperate. We're scared. We just know we can't hold on any more, and there is no rope left to grab but the little frayed end that we're clinging to.

I've been there. More times than I can count or care to recall, I have been there. Some say "just keep holding on." Some tell us to not let go. But what I've learned? All these times at the end of my rope, and all the times I've witnessed others at the end of theirs, or heart of others at the end of theirs?

Let Go of the Rope!

I believe I was 16 the first time I decided to kill myself. I was at the end of my rope. I was scared, and hurting, and so alone and lost. I downed a bottle of aspirin, and in my weakened state... I let go of the rope. A mentor was there to catch me, and I let myself trust him to get me help. He saved my life (well, that and the fact that with that bottle of aspirin, I also had a 2 liter of soda and a bag of chocolate chips... which made me toss up half the aspirin...).

A couple years later, I had a perfect plan. I was going to take a bottle of pain meds, slit my wrists, and shoot myself. Or hang myself. I truly can't remember which. But, regardless, just minutes before I executed my plan, three friends appeared at my door and refused to leave my side. I let go of the rope and I let them catch me.

Not too long ago, again I felt I reached the end of that rope. I was so scared and alone and confused and overwhelmed. And again, there was a mentor, someone standing beneath me letting me know I could let go of the rope - he would catch me.

I lost two brothers to suicide - not just any suicide either. Both died like a good friend of ours did - they hung themselves. They'd reached the end of the rope, and tied it around their neck. They weren't able to trust someone... they weren't able to just let go of that rope and know someone would catch them. And truly, it doesn't matter how one dies when they take their own life - it's the same thing... they don't see there is someone trustworthy enough to save them; and they don't believe they are worthy enough of someone trustworthy trying to save them.

This is what God wants!

God doesn't want us clasping and clinging to the end of that rope, assuming we can or should have the strength to pull ourselves up. He wants to let go of that rope and cling to Him. He is all we need.

God wants us to stop pretending we have the strength - to stop assuming we're able to fully rely on ourselves. We can't. There is just no way. By insisting on clinging to the end of that rope, we're still fighting our own ego. We're still saying we don't need anyone else (and yes, I just found myself laughing out loud as I wrote that last bit... I am very much in the habit of fighting my own ego. Perhaps I'd find myself at the end of my rope much less often if I'd acknowledge my weakness before the rope ran out). We need God. There is no other way. There is no way we can climb that rope again and again and again by ourselves. There are times we need to simply trust in God and let go of that rope.

Yes, the times I let go, I had friends and mentors who caught me. These people were God's hands at work. And I thank God daily for these friends. And I praise God daily for helping me realize that it is okay (and often necessary) to just let go of that rope.

Trust in God and stop fighting, assuming you are (or need to be) strong enough to go it alone. None of us are. And none of us need to be. Just let go of the rope and know that God is there to catch you.

My One Prayer This Season

Many years ago (about 20 or so) I wrote a poem... Never Trust, Never Cry. I held to this motto for years. Over 20 years to be honest. It wasn't until a good friend taught me that it's ok to trust people... it's ok to open up to others... it's ok to let them see me cry... that I started to go against the words of my poem. I went against my mantra.

Tonight, I wrote a post about crying in public - about how so many see those tears and walk away. To be honest, this is a pain that hurts more than holding those tears in. It's the reason I did hold those tears in for so long. But, this isn't about me. It isn't about those who walk away. It's about those who've stayed near. It's about the lessons I've learned from those who haven't walked away.

Thank you God. You have given me a family - not all born of the same blood, but all with more heart and love than I deserve or expected. You've given me sisters who have stayed by my side; brothers who have given me some of strongest and most heartfelt lessons. You've given me people who have loved me; and more importantly have taught me how to love others. I often over look the gifts You've bestowed upon me - I get selfish; get angry that my expectations aren't met. But You have given me so much more than my expectations.

My one prayer this season is that you give me the courage, strength, and love to not ignore another's tears. Give me the ability to recognize the pain and need in another's heart - to be the reflection of comfort you offer us all. Let my arms hold another as if they are Your arms. Let my words bring the peace and comfort only You can give. Let me never be the person to bring upon the pain and emptiness that is felt when someone sees tears and still walks away. Help me to love as You have loved.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Delete Pain Now

You're cleaning up your computer, and click the "Delete" button. and a popup appears - "Are you sure you want to delete?" After a long, busy day, seeing this confirmation message for the 136th time just really starts to get aggravating. You find yourself sassing off to your computer... "If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have clicked Delete, you stupid machine!"

And then it happens, you go to delete or uninstall something else... and you don't get that message. It just permanently removes the thing from your computer. You quickly start slamming on escape, or cancel, or whatever you can find. You didn't truly want to hit delete that time! And you find yourself yelling at the computer again..."oh sure, you ask me on the 136 items I wanted gone, but can't ask on the one I didn't mean to delete?!?"

Would You Hit Delete? 

Earlier this morning it was suggested that it sure would be nice in life if we could delete our problems as easily as we can delete a Google+ post that was shared in poor-judgement. One simple button - "Delete Pain."

We start to feel a breakdown come on... "Delete." We lose someone we love and start to feel the pain of that loss? "Delete!" We get frightened of a new task? "Delete." We fall down a few times trying to learn how to do something new. "Delete!" No more pain or memories of the pain of skinned knees - physical or metaphorical.

I often thought about what I would do if a genie came out of a bottle and offered to remove all the painful memories of my past. Or, perhaps even completely change my childhood so it was beautiful and full of love. Would I take that opportunity? Would I accept that incredible gift? And my answer to that question is the same as my answer to the question of "would I hit the Delete button every time I feel pain?"

No.

Pain's Purpose

As you may already know, I do not believe God is the one who causes us pain. He doesn't bestow pain and troubles upon us as punishment, or to strengthen us, or to teach us, or whatever other lies we have been told throughout our lives. However, just because He doesn't bring us the pain, He also doesn't always stop it. We are not in the Garden of Eden and we are not in Heaven. We are in the world. And, in this world, there is pain and trials.

And, while He does not bring us pain and trials as punishment, or to strengthen us, or to teach us - pain can do all of these.

I am certain that I never did grow in grace one-half so much anywhere as I have upon the bed of pain.  ~ Charles Spurgeon

If you are sitting there thinking you're being punished... if you're curled up in a corner, wishing God would stop picking on you, wondering what you did so wrong in this world to deserve such pain.... if you're wishing you had a "Delete Pain" button - there is a good possibility pain is acting as a punishment. And why? Because you are allowing it to be a punishment. You're thinking about all the things you've done wrong which you should be punished for... and are allowing the pain you're going through to be that punishment.

If you are on your knees, pleading with God to please help you through this pain... if you're letting your tears wash over you as you let yourself feel God's loving arms envelop you... if you're listening with your whole heart to God's guidance - there is a good possibility pain is strengthening you, and teaching you. And why? Because you are allowing the Lord to strengthen you. You are allowing Him to guide you. You are allowing your pain to be used to make you better, stronger, and closer to God.

Living Without Pain

Pain is a kindly, hopeful thing, a certain proof of life, a clear assurance that all is not yet over, that there is still a chance. But if your heart has no pain — well, that may betoken health, as you suppose: but are you certain that it does not mean that your soul is dead?  ~ A.J. Gossip

Many years ago I was put on anti-depressants. I have many friends who are on medication for depression, and so please don't think I am saying anything against medication in general. All I can speak of is for myself...

Anyway, as I said, I was put on anti-depressants. And it indeed took care of my pain. I didn't feel sad or depressed one bit. Nor did I feel frightened or anxious. Nor did I feel angry or jealous. Great!

Except...

I also did not feel happy, or excited, or thankful, or loved, or loving, or, well, basically I felt nothing. Emotionally, I was dead. Spiritually, I was dead.

Yes, it is possible to live without pain. But if you delete pain, you take away everything. If you have no pain to be freed from - how can you feel grateful to God for freeing you from it? If you have no pain of a broken heart, how can you have ever felt love? It all goes hand in hand.

So, if that button were in front of you... would you hit delete?
If you did hit it... would you be grateful for that "Are you sure you want to delete this?" confirmation message?

God's Answer to a Prayer for Comfort

I think it's safe to say that at one point in all our lives, things just get downright ugly. Granted, this ugliness is relative, and some have more than one point of ugliness, but, ugly all the same.

This is how it's been for the past couple years for my family, and for that of my in-laws. In the summer of 2011, my husband's kidney function dropped fast and a transplant was required. Two months later, his 72 year old mother broke her ankle and spent the next 9 months having surgery after surgery to correct it. The summer of 2012, my father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given 6-12 months to live. A month after that diagnosis, my husband developed a foot ulcer which resulted in an amputation of half his right foot. This summer/fall, my husband is battling a sore on his other foot, which we've been told could lead to a below-the-knee amputation... and my father-in-law's cancer has started spreading quickly again after a few months of being stable (it wasn't gone... just wasn't growing). Additionally, my father-in-law just had surgery two weeks ago to put a rod in his leg.

So needless to say but I'll say it anyway, the wives of these two men occasionally become basket-cases. Depression, hopelessness, helplessness - it all overtakes us. We pray. We go to church. We have faith. And believe me... if anyone tells me we're just not praying hard enough, or just don't have enough faith, I will scream. Why? Because we do pray hard enough and we do believe enough. But sometimes bad things happen to good people. That's life.

Anyway, this past week I have watched Mom break down repeatedly. Tears spring to her eyes at the slightest provocation. I've been there. I am there. At times, I can bury it. At times, I need to. At times, I break down in the privacy of my dark room. In years past, Mom and I (and our husbands/families) always had one person we could call on - a friend who was always there for us. It helped, of course, that he lived across the road from her and only a block away from me. Now, he's a few states away. So earlier this week, I felt lost. Where do we turn when we need that physical person to offer comfort?

Yes, yes, seek God. We KNOW that. But honestly... everyone reading this - is seeking God always enough, or don't you sometimes need someone being the arms and ears and voice of God? Working for Him, having Him working through a friend? Real arms wrapped around you, knowing it's God's arms? Real hands holding yours and praying with you? Maybe it's just us two basket-case women who need this.

So anyway, physically ill on Monday, and emotionally distraught, and spiritually lost... I prayed. I knew Mom needed more than I could offer, and I didn't know where to turn. Tuesday morning, it was more of the same. Well... I spoke to her that morning, and she had to cut the conversation short.... the pastor of my church was at her house. Someone else had contacted him asking him to go see her. Later, the pastor of her church visited with her. Both of those events were great for her. Very needed. But still not enough....

But then yesterday afternoon, I went to her house to see if she wanted to come to a volleyball game with me - get her out of the house, let her watch her granddaughter knock a ball around. I walked into her living room and there she sat in the rocking chair, her eyes lit up, a content, peaceful, joyful smile on her face... and a little sleeping baby in her arms.

A friend (and wife to the pastor of my church) had stopped by with her little 3-month old baby, and I could see immediately that just holding that little baby had made all of Mom's problems seem small in that moment. Perhaps had even allowed those problems to flutter away, at least temporarily. I invited this friend to join us at the game... where I then spent much of the next 4 hours holding this little bundle of babbling, drooling adorableness. Every smile, every time he gripped my finger, even every time he spit up all over me - there was just no room for problems and worries and tears about what was happening in my life. Within the cooing smiles and even within the scrunched up I'm-going-to-scream face... there was something comforting. This baby (perhaps because of the timing, perhaps because he was chosen by God to be our comfort, or perhaps just because he's so cute) made us remember hope, and love, and God's miracles. He brought us a light - one so much needed at that moment.

Don't get me wrong - his parents both helped Mom a great deal... and myself. It was a fun night getting to know them a little more and just being out and about watching a volleyball game and talking. But it was this baby who brought us the most comfort.

Baby Therapy! I don't think there is any drug on the market that works better. Hopefully the parents don't start charging... although, they could easily make a great deal of money :)

God bless! And thank you!

Habits

I remember the first time I tried a cigarette. My parents made me take a few drags.. I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. It was (I think) their attempt to teach me not to smoke. Of course, a few years later, I was sneaking cigarettes from their packs. And then sneaking packs from their cartons. It had started as just something to do... it seemed like a good idea. And the few drags they'd made me take before didn't kill me. And it wasn't like I was addicted - I smoked 'em when I had 'em... and didn't really care when I didn't have them. I wasn't pressured into smoking... in fact, my high school friends who did smoke were very careful to not push the idea onto me, and accepted me no matter what. And, when I started college at 16 years old - my friends there disliked the idea of smoking. I had to sneak behind their backs for a cigarette because I didn't want to be unaccepted in their little group. But it was still a cigarette here and there - maybe adding up to 1 a day, though generally not.

When I finally left home, I ended up at a party. No one was drinking - alcohol wasn't allowed in that house. But, most of the people were smoking. And I asked for one. Then gave someone some money to go buy me a pack. And from that moment on, I was definitely a smoker. It was a habit that would prove to be incredibly difficult to break.

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Everyone has these habits - some of us having more than one. And when they start, they don't start as a bad habit. One cigarette is not a bad habit. One drink is not a bad habit. Sex with one person is not a habit. But that one cigarette can turn into two packs a day. That one drink can become getting drunk on a nightly basis. Sex with that one person can turn into using sex with random people as a way to escape life.

And it isn't just the "bad" things that become bad habits.

One example that comes to mind...

Do you have someone in your life who you can turn to that just seems to make everything seem better? Maybe it's a friend, or a spouse, or a mentor? Maybe it's just that person who gets your coffee every morning at the local coffee shop. Whoever it is, you know that by talking to this person, your day is instantly brighter. This is a good thing, right?

Well, what if you become addicted to this to the point of it interfering in your life? To the point of it ruining your friendship with the person? To the point of you having that desperate need to seek this person out any time life gets a little rough?

Ok, maybe this seems a little drastic... but, this interpersonal dependency can be real and can become a bad habit - an addiction of sorts.

Something that started out as good is suddenly an unhealthy habit.

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I've wrote about addictions in the past. About how we must be willing to lay these habits at God's feet and ask for his help to overcome them. We must accept that we cannot do it on our own.

Of course, I do have one small problem with this - what if interpersonal dependency is your addiction? Getting help from someone... well.... it starts the loop again.

But, perhaps the answer can be found if you look at it another way as well. Not only must we lay our problems before the Lord, repenting the sins we've committed and pleading for the courage, strength, and ability to let go of these unhealthy actions... we must also consider what our actions are doing in regards to our relationship with God.

What do I mean by this?

You can read the Bible every day. But if after a chapter, you're starting to think "damn, I need a cigarette".... or, if instead of meditating on the words you've read, you go pour yourself another glass of wine... are you truly achieving a deeper relationship with God?

You can pray every day. But if after that prayer for strength to get through your emotional strife, you're stripping your clothes off for someone you just met... or, if instead of allowing the peace you just prayed for to wash over you, you're calling that one person begging for some assurance that someone is there for you... are you truly achieving a closer relationship to God?

It isn't just about ridding ourselves of those bad habits. It's about allowing ourselves the good habit of learning of God's mercy and trusting in God's grace and living God's will.

Now... if only someone could teach me how to do that, life would be much easier :)

Don't Help

I recently read an article that I found to be incredibly well written, with a lesson that is so true. "Please Don't Help My Kids" is written as a letter to someone on a playground who tries to help the author's child make it up a ladder. She is telling this person that there is a reason she isn't helping her child - there is a reason for having this frustrated child figure it out on her own.

I can't count the number of times I've been in the shoes of this mother, or in the shoes of this helpful person, or in the shoes of the frustrated child. We've all been there. We've all looked at that ladder in front of us, and wanted someone else to lift us to the top because we didn't want to face the challenge. We've all watched someone else stare up at that ladder and wanted to reach out to lift them to the top. And we've all watched our children and loved ones stare at that ladder, and have known that we must allow them to try it on their own.

This article discusses the need to allow children to face their own challenges head-on. Children, and adults as well, need to learn the skills to problem-solve. They need to learn to overcome obstacles - or, to at least try on their own before reaching out for help. We are all - children included - capable of much more than we give ourselves credit for, and are more capable than others give us credit for. But if we constantly do the work for someone else - if we continuously lift our children to the top of the ladder - they will never learn to do it on their own. 

Yes, they may fall. This is a part of life. They may skin their knees, or get some bumps and bruises along the way, but this, too, is a part of life. The strongest people are those who've received skinned knees and bruises, but kept trying until they figured out how to get up that ladder.

 I'm not saying we can't ever help. Or that we shouldn't sometimes ask for help. In this life, we will often need someone's helping hands to guide us. But there is a difference between lifting someone to the top, and holding their hand (or standing beside them for support) while they climb. We need to learn when to step in, and how much to do when we do step in. We need to learn when to keep trying on our own, and when to reach out for assistance. And, we need to learn what it is we're asking for.

I can say "Please deal with this for me." Or, I can say, "Please stand beside me and catch me if I fall." Or, I can say, "I can do this on my own, but please be here to kiss my knee if I fall." Or, I can simply say "I've got this." Each may be appropriate depending on the situation, but I would caution against ever using "Please deal with this for me" - unless you've tried and tried and your knees simply cannot take any more bumps and bruises. "Catch me if I fall" or "Kiss my knee if I fall" both require a good deal of trust in another person, but are good concepts.

Asking for help, for someone to be there to bandage the boo-boos, is one of the hardest lessons for me. I grew up being taught that you don't ask for help. I grew up being taught that no one will be there to help. I was forced to overcome obstacles on my own, without anyone there to catch me or fix the scraped knees. This is not the way to go either. Children (and all of us) need to learn that they can do it on their own; but they need to know that there will be someone there supporting them. They gain confidence in themselves, and trust in others, and this is what we all need.

And this is what God offers us.

Our Father does not lift us over the obstacles in life. He does not keep us from them. Every day we are faced with trials in this life. We run into walls which we must find a way over. We fall. We skin our knees. And God does not prevent this from happening. However, he stays beside us. He gives us the courage and strength to push past these obstacles. He holds our hands and hearts as we stumble, guiding us.

Isaiah 41:10 - do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

 

 There is a special strength given to us when we have this trust in God... an extraordinary gift of courage and confidence given to us when we know that God is there watching us as we face obstacles. Through faith in him, we know we can make it through this difficult time, and the next. We know we can climb the ladder. We know that if we fall, God is there to catch us, to soothe our bruises, and to give us the strength to try again until we finally make it to the top.