If Only I Could Touch His Cloak

Imagine yourself, with all your ailments (should you have any), reaching out a desperate hand - in faith - and touching a cloak. Suddenly, your ailments are healed. You're good as new. Everything is well. There is no more depression, anxiety, or other mental illness. There is no more cancer, diabetes, or other physical illness.

In the 5th chapter of Mark, we see this happen to a woman who's been suffering for years. With an incredibly strong faith in Jesus and his healing ability, she reaches out, knowing one touch will cure her. And he does.

This story, like many others within the pages of the Bible, is often used to convey the message that if you have enough faith, God will heal you. The other side to this lesson - if you're not healed, you obviously do not have enough faith. This is what I was taught growing up. Or, part of it anyway. There were two lessons actually encompassing why one is not healed:
1) If you're not healed, you do not have enough faith (and/or you're not praying hard enough); or
2) If you're not healed, you have not repented for your sin (and/or you're continuing in sin).

There is such a devastating, destructive danger to this false teaching. If you have faith... if you fall to your knees consistently in fervent prayer... if you try to live a life obedient to God... and repent regularly... but the illness continues... obviously you're not doing enough, or not doing it well enough, or just don't have enough faith. You walk away in shame and sorrow, feeling unworthy.

But, no where in the Bible does God say that if we have enough faith, he will always heal us... at least, not in this life. Our healing will come - but not necessarily during our time in the here and now.

No where in the Bible does it say that God's power of healing is limited to our faith. Nor can we manipulate God into healing through our faith.

If you're suffering, and you've prayed and prayed and begged God, and wished you could just reach out and touch the cloak of Jesus in faith - and still you suffer, do not despair. Do not allow yourself to feel you lack faith or are too great a sinner. God heals and does not heal as He sees fit, holding to the promise that one day we will all be healed.

Instead, turn to God and pray for comfort and peace, secure in the knowledge that one day true healing will be done - not because of the amount of faith you have, but because of the amount of love He has.

God bless

The Death of Faith

A couple weeks ago I shared my Pastor's midweek Lenten service sermon, and made the comment that I wasn't quite certain what to think of his words. I had issues with what he said. And I left it at that. But now I feel the need to revisit the topic.

He'd asked what do we do when we can't feel God in the midst of suffering. And went on to explain the destructive ways we attempt to deal with suffering. And, I agree. I am one to find more comfort in a bottle, or in watching something senseless on TV. But then he spun into a circular line of thinking which I know many others agree with, but in which I cannot.

When we go through suffering, we need faith. If we don't have faith, we need to pray. We need to pray for God's will to be done, and we need to believe that it will happen. But to believe this, we need faith... (and round and round we go).

I have heard many people tell me that suffering has a purpose. God can turn it into something positive. It's all part of God's plan. Just have faith, and everything will be fine.

How does the abuse of a small child have a purpose? What good can come from the rape of a young girl? Or the death of a young man by his own hands? The death of a child from illness? The senseless shooting deaths of dozens?

As a young child, I had prayed constantly. And, in the early years, I had faith. I believed God would deliver me from my suffering. I believed that something good could follow. And He didn't. And it didn't. And faith died, replaced with the belief that I must not be worthy of God's love.

So the question that remains with me... what do we do when we don't feel God in the midst of suffering? How can we rely on a faith that has dissipated, or on prayer which doesn't work?

My Faith Journey

We all experience a different faith journey, even though our destination and travel partner are the same. This is simply a tid bit of my journey. I found it necessary to write this as I need to know how I got to where I am right now...

In the Beginning... 

It started as it does for many Christians - as a baby. I was baptized in a Lutheran church when I was only a few weeks old. Of course, I don't recall this event. If it wasn't for a picture of it, I wouldn't have a clue it even happened. To be honest, I don't recall much of a church life at all between the ages of newborn to 8. I don't recall much of anything from then. Due to certain events in my early childhood, much of my memories have been buried. I vaguely remember that I attended Sunday School. In fact, I believe it was there when a friend of mine revealed the truth of Santa Claus. But, that is all I remember.

When I was 8, we moved from a small town to a larger city. With this move came a new church... and a slightly new denomination. We joined a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church. I don't remember attending Sunday School there, but I do remember I attended a few years of pre-Confirmation, followed by a few years of Confirmation before being confirmed the end of my freshman year of high school. It was during the Confirmation years that I began to form my faith, and lose my faith - kind of all at the same time.

The first time I remember really feeling the affects of depression was when I was around 12 years old...just a little before I would have started regular confirmation classes. Before this time, I blindly followed a God whom I was taught to follow. I wasn't against God or the Church. I simply learned what I was taught... memorized creeds and prayers and Bible verses and the 10 Commandments.

The Affects of Depression on Faith (and Faith on Depression)...

It was when I started to slip into depression that I realized the God I was being taught was a cruel God. If you don't behave - you're going to hell. If you don't listen to your parents - you're going to hell. I was taught that parents are supposed to beat their children. I was taught that as a female, I was to submit to a man in every way. I was taught I am nothing, and will be nothing. These lessons were drilled into me by my parents and by my Church.

I remember a battle going on within my own mind. I desperately wanted to follow a God I thought should exist. I desperately wanted to learn about that kind of a God. I started reading my Bible and studying. I started volunteering at the Church more. I helped in the Church nursery. I taught Sunday School to mentally handicapped children and adults. I went to church. But things just never added up. The God I was taught at Church was one of fire and brimstone. The God I was taught at home was one of anger and vengeance. The God I saw working in my life was cruel and cold. But the God I felt inside was not this way.

And that really made no sense. The God I saw on a daily basis was one whom abandoned His children in their time of need. He allowed children to be beaten and bruised and broken. He didn't protect. He didn't love. How could I even consider that there might be kindness and care and a gentle love in this God? In frustration and anger, I talked myself out of this concept of a good God. God was nothing but a cruel master, and we were but pawns. I made a pact with Satan... he could have my soul, if he only save me and my siblings from the pain we were going through. Of course, Satan was just as responsive as God had been.

Since that didn't work, I determined that perhaps God was a good God - I was just not deserving of His kindness, care, and gentle love. So, I tried to kill myself. A few times. I'm still not sure if I just didn't truly want to die, if I was seeking attention, or if I was just really lucky - none of my attempts worked (obviously).

God - Who Needs Him?  

Eventually, I just stopped caring. I didn't care if I lived or died. The suicide attempts were replaced with reckless behavior. And, I didn't care if God existed or not. Studying, praying, bargaining, and seeking the truth were all pushed aside. At 18 years old, I left home and my Church, and didn't look back.

From that point until a little over 2 years ago, I would attend a United Church of Christ church with my in-laws on Easter and Christmas. That was the church I got married in, and got most of my children baptized in. My in-laws took the kids to church most Sundays, and they attended Sunday School. The older three children were confirmed in that church. But my attendance was 3 times a year at best. I didn't see church attendance as important. I didn't see faith in God as important. I believed in Him. But was not about to concern myself again with seeking the truth or a relationship with Him.

About 6 or 7 years ago, I began to get interested in religion as a whole. I studied mythologies. I studied the "lost books" of the Bible. But, I still wasn't interested in any kind of relationship with God. My interests were strictly intellectual, not emotional or spiritual. 

180°

Just over two years ago, this dismissive attitude about God began to diminish. I found myself driven into His arms. I had a sudden hunger to learn more about Him, and to let Him into my heart. I wanted to study, and go to service. I felt Him and wanted more. It was sudden, and impulsive, and crazy.

I changed churches, back to the Lutheran denomination I started with. God became the center of my existence. I started reading and studying the Bible and theology; attending Bible study; attending service every week (twice a week during those certain times of the year); listening to Christian music; praying;turning to a pastor for guidance; taking part in the Church life; writing a Christian blog; having theological discussions.

I was certain God was responsible for this change in me. I was also certain God had a need for me... a purpose. I wasn't sure what that purpose was, but knew there must be. Perhaps He was calling on me to become a pastor, or a teacher? He needed me for something.

And Again the Results of Depression on Faith (and Faith on Depression)

These past two years, I have been in that strange place yet again... my heart knowing my God is an awesome, loving, merciful God; but seeing a world which does not seem to be ruled by this kind of God. This time, however, my Church tends to agree with my heart on the matter. But  those I speak to online - not all of them are in agreement. Many still follow and teach that God I fell away from when I was younger - the God of anger and uncaring.

Perhaps it is this battle which has me sinking. Or perhaps it is that since my sudden hunger, my depression has increased tenfold. It turns out God had no purpose for me. And He continues to beat down those I love, knowing it is the surest way to beat me down. He took away the one who'd helped bring me back to Him. He ignores my prayers and pleas. The harsh judgements of those around me have come back. Dissension, discord, and friction grows - sometimes caused unintentionally by me. My faith in mankind, and God, and myself has dwindled to almost nothing. I try to reach out for help, but either a) find nothing there; or b) bite the hand reaching back. Of course, it might help if a) I were better at asking for help; or b) I hadn't already bit those who used to try to help.

I truly don't know what to do or where to go from here. I feel lost. I've stumbled off that path, and haven't a clue where I am. I haven't a clue which path I want to find. Is this the end of my faith journey?

Does God Really Test Us? (seriously... I'd like to know...)

Please bare with me for a few moments as I use my blog as a place to try to work through something that has been bothering me for the past 24 hours....

We had another wonderful Bible Study last night. The past couple weeks, we've been studying the 7 churches in Revelations. It's quite interesting. But, as usually happens, we read something in our lesson book which caused us to veer off onto a little tangent.

God tests us. 

A couple of us had an issue with this. God tests us... tests our faithfulness. He lets us suffer to test our faithfulness. Why does this bother me?

1) This makes our God seem a bit cruel
2) Why would He need to test us? He already knows us!

One of the ladies who does believe God puts our faith to the test mentioned Job. Now granted, Job is definitely put through the wringer again and again in the Bible. But... God isn't the one testing. Is He? Wouldn't it be more accurate to say Satan was doing the testing?

My guy is better...

A kid is out shooting around on the basketball court. A coach from a rival team watches for a bit, then goes up to the kid's coach. "He ain't bad out there alone. Bet he can't go head to head with my star though." Challenge is issued. The kid's coach has faith in his player and accepts the duel.

A man builds a table out of scrap wood. A neighbor comes along and warns the man that the table doesn't look very sturdy. "I bet if I stand on it, it'll fall apart." The builder has faith in his work and simply smiles, giving the neighbor permission to do his best.

To me, this is how the story of Job seems. This is how a lot of our "trials" seem. Satan says "Hey... I bet I can break him"... and God says "Go ahead and try."

God has faith in us

God built us. He created us. He teaches us and strengthens us and molds us and shapes us. He knows what we're capable of. He knows the very depths of our hearts and souls and minds. When Satan says "I can break her"... maybe God is just accepting that challenge because God has faith in our ability... because He gave us that ability.

Just a random thought... I'd love to hear yours...

Where is God and the Guardian Angels?

I've decided this is what my guardian angel looks like... and it does explain why I keep ending up in scrapes...

But seriously...

Every now and then I realize that I truly am one of the lucky ones. I realize that God truly has been watching over me. True, I often forget this, and true, I have been through a lot. I have been molested and raped and beaten. I have suffered many forms of abuse from many different people - people who were supposed to love and care for me. And during these times (and times when I am feeling sorry for myself for what I went through), I often found myself asking if there really is a God. Is God and His angels just up there drinking beer and watching sports? Or perhaps they're playing chess... and I'm merely a pawn. Yes, I often thought these things.

Throughout the media lately, more and more stories come out that sicken me.... and make me realize that what I've gone through has been a party compared to what some suffer. A 4 month old who is raped to death by her mother's boyfriend - at the mother's request. A 7 year old sold into slavery and raped by dozens of men almost daily. Parents who hang colored curtains on their windows to let passers-by know if they have a boy or a girl under the age of 10 whose services are for sale. Parents who lock their child in a cage, feeding him from a dog dish, beating him with sticks. Teenagers forcing their girlfriends to provide sexual services to their friends. Boys opening fire on school children. Gangs of girls tormenting and torturing the girl who just doesn't quite fit in, beating her on camera just to make a cool YouTube video.

I could go on for days. But, I'm depressing myself and probably everyone else.

And just as I used to question God's existence when I went through torment and abuse, I am often confronted now by certain people with the question "How can you believe in God when things like this happen?" And, I can't answer with anything other than, "I just do."

Yes, there are still times when I think God must be on a coffee break. There are times when I seriously doubt there are guardian angels watching out for us (still really not sure where I stand on this topic anyway... ?). But I just can't help but believe that God is there. And He is watching out for us. Why do bad things happen? Why are babies killed and children raped and people tortured and tormented for no good reason? I don't know.

Perhaps God really does have a plan (although, I find a God who uses the rape of a baby as part of a "plan" to be a very cruel God indeed and not one I want to follow).

Perhaps God simply isn't that concerned with what happens on earth. He isn't tormenting us intentionally; He is simply more focused on our lives when we leave this earth. '

Perhaps the earth really is Satan's world, and we won't get a reprieve from the pain until we're in heaven (all the more reason to shape up and turn to God now).

I don't know. I don't have the answers. I only know that this world sometimes sucks, but I still believe in God and love Him.

God bless!

I Know the Answer to THE Question!

"Jesus is the answer."

"God loves you."

"Put your faith in the Lord."

"Joy comes from following Christ."

"Blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."

"God is always with you."

"Peace be with you."

"God is our living hope."

Oh how often we hear these words. 

We utter them to those in need. We nod in approval when they are told to us in our times of need.

A few years ago, had someone asked me "Do you believe in God?" I would have of course answered yes. When asked if I love Him, I would have answered yes. Do I trust him? Yes. Do  I believe He is hope? That there is hope?... and I stumble. What about joy?... wellllll.... Peace? .... ha! Funny.

But I did try. I thought.

A friend of mine always ends his emails with "Peace" - or, if I'm extremely troubled at the time, "Peace, Brandi. Peace." When I first started reading these words, I'd feel great appreciation for the thought/prayer, but didn't feel the peace itself.

A friend of mine tried to explain to me that it is ok to love and trust others - that fellowship is a good and necessary thing. To be honest, I found this all rather funny, but because I did trust this person, I figured what can it hurt to give it a try?

A friend of mine tried to convince me that peace and joy are concepts not outside my grasp. He tried to convince me that I am deserving of these things. And that I am deserving of love. And that regardless of what I have done or do in the future, I am a beloved child of God's and that He loves me. I tried to believe. Or, perhaps I tried to find reasons not to believe.

Recently, something has changed... 

Love... hope... joy... peace... trust... ?

I have these.

When I start to feel chaos, and read that one simple word... I truly do feel peace.

During those moments of sorrow, when tears flow openly, I know I am loved. I am willing to let these tears fall in front of others. I am willing to trust... to put myself out there.

My sorrow does not become a dark, deep pit of depression.

Even in moments of anger, I am able to forgive... including myself.

Abandonment, betrayal, hatred, worthlessness, defeated, broken... I see these all hiding around corners, barely even existent any longer. But they don't win anymore. And they know they've lost. They're just those old rags I haven't had time to toss away yet. For awhile, I kept 'em around for sentimental reasons... and because I figured they'd be back anyway. And, perhaps they will be. But I don't want to keep them around any longer. And if they do come back for a visit... it's ok. I know it'll be a very short one.

But how do I know this??? 

Faith, my friend. Faith.

And where does this faith come from?

Easy... I found the answer. I found the secret to happiness.

How many times have we heard "Jesus is the answer"? How many times have we told others this? And... how many times have we honestly, truly, believed it?

I didn't. In a way, perhaps, I believed it. I mean, Jesus is the answer in regards to our salvation. But... he's also the answer to our happiness here on earth.

In a comment to my latest post regarding 5 words I used to scorn (peace, love, trust, joy, hope), a friend of mine said that these words are "all found through Faith in God and Our Savior Jesus Christ. Sure, some or all can be found to some degree in someone without Christ in their life, but the depth and completeness of them are not even close to the same without that faith." (thank you +Joe Huguenard).

And that's when the anvil hit me in the head. 

All this time... all these years of believing... I hadn't really let Christ into my heart. I had cut myself off from love and trust so much that I'd even blocked God. I wouldn't let myself believe I was worthy of love. And, after a little poking and prodding and pushing to get me to take down a wall or two (or twelve)... I've come to realize that the friend of mine who said it's ok to love and trust was actually right. In fact, it seems, the more I let people in, the more I let Jesus in. The more I let Jesus in, the more hopeful I feel. The more I let myself love, the more I feel loved. And, all this love and trust and hope... I feel joy. I feel peace.

No, it's not always happy. There are still days of chaos and frustration and anger and fear and everything else that used to cloud my heart and mind and soul. But... they don't cloud my heart, mind or soul anymore. They're there. Of course they are. This is life. We will be sad. We will feel loss. We will get angry and annoyed. But they don't define me.

Not anymore.

Because I have found the answer... and oddly enough, it's as I've been told since the beginning - Jesus. Jesus is the answer.

Let it Shine

James 2:14-17 (NIV): What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

Yesterday, our pastor delivered a children's sermon that made a lot of sense - a sermon that I think many of us either don't realize, or don't recall. A sermon that, in my opinion, puts these verses of James 2 in a proper light.

He started by showing the children a lightbulb. This, he said, is faith. He then twisted the bulb into a light socket and turned it on. The light shown brightly. This, he said, is faith.

God gives us faith... we are to use that faith. Otherwise, it has no light, it's just an empty bulb. 

In Luke, chapter 17, we have the apostles asking the Lord to increase their faith. But, the thing is... they already have faith. They need to use that faith. Using this faith is what makes it shine - it's what gives is strength. Our God-given faith is the lightbulb - our utilization of this faith is the electricity which makes it shine.

I'm sure you all remember the song many of us sang as children (and one which I teach our Sunday School kids) "This Little Light of Mine"...

Will you let your light shine? Will you let your faith shine? Will you use the faith and grace and love given to you by our Lord, and let that faith, grace and love shine on those in need?

What Matters Most

Every night there's a new discussion... a new debate... a new argument... happening on Facebook and Google+ regarding Christianity. "My faith is better than your faith" is what they all amount to - which is actually quite ridiculous since we all worship the same God. And yet, I take part in these. And many I know take part in these. But honestly, does it matter if we believe baptism is by immersion or sprinkling? Does it matter if we believe the Lord's Supper is literal or figurative? Does it matter if we believe this verse means this, or that?

No. It does not matter.

How can I say such a thing? How can I know this?

First... allow me to describe something that I don't know if I even can describe...

Nearly a year ago, a friend of mine (who happens to be a pastor) drug me (figuratively) to the baptismal font in his church. I was not a member there. I'd been a rare church-goer at all. But there I stood with him, my heart heavy. My soul heavy. I felt as if God had abandoned me. My eyes brimmed with tears that I refused to let fall as I stood beside a man I refused to trust in the building of a God I believed could never love me.

He had me dip my hands into the water; let me feel the water flow between my fingers. I could feel a slow peace beginning to overcome me, but I tried to ignore it. And then he dipped his own fingers into the water, and moved his hand to my head. With his thumb, he made the sign of the cross on my forehead, stating with no uncertainty that I am a beloved child of God.

The tears fell. My knees trembled, barely able to hold my weight. I shook. I couldn't seem to find my voice. And what happened inside me? I can never come up with words adequate enough to explain. I suddenly knew... I knew God was there with me. I knew He did love me. I knew I was one of his beloved. My heart that had been closed off for 30-some years was suddenly opened. I trusted. My whole being was suddenly filled with the Holy Spirit. And I felt peace. And I felt loved.

------

So, how do I know that all the "little" things we argue and fight about really don't matter that much?

Easy... if it does matter, than the my faith must be the only correct faith. Why? Because the Holy Spirit is in me... and I am saved... and I am a beloved child of God. And I know this without a doubt. And, at the time I became aware of this, I was a faithful attender of the Lutheran church, and was in the process of switching my membership to that church. So, if all these things matter... than what I believe must be the correct belief... which means everyone must convert to Lutheranism. That's the only answer...

Unless, of course, these things really just aren't as important as the Grace and Love of God - a grace and love so immense that He gave his only Son, our Lord, to die for us.

This is what matters most.

Born Again... again

Last night I had the privilege to get some advice and prayers and just have a very nice conversation with a potential friend (and, I only use the term potential friend because of my innate ability to distrust people). During this conversation, he asked me when I became a "born again Christian." At the time, I explained that I am not one of these people. I have always been a Christian. And, this is true. But, this has me thinking...

Many who claim to be "born again" are people who once did believe in God, and then wandered off the path, finally years later to find that path again. Well, if this is the definition of "born again Christian," then I would have to say that all of us (or, at least, all of us whom are honest with ourselves) are born again. Several times.

Once again, today, as I write this, I find my faith in God dwindling. I find myself veering off that path. I find myself doubting His existence and Word and grace and love. With all the pain and suffering in the world, how can there truly be a loving, caring, merciful God?

Ah, which brings me to another point I must make... a few days ago, someone in one of the google+ communities I'm in told me that God doesn't allow suffering. Well, hate to disagree, but God allows suffering all the time... which is why I at times wonder if there truly is a God. Can you honestly tell me that, for example, a man walking into an elementary school and killing a bunch of Kindergarteners doesn't cause suffering for the friends, family, loved ones, and the nation as a whole? God may not have created this tragedy and suffering, but He did allow it. He supposedly has the power to stop it, but doesn't.

But, back to the topic at hand.

What is a born again Christian? Is it truly simply someone who got lost, then once again found the right path? And if this is the case, aren't we all this way? Don't we all get lost? Don't we all need someone to shepherd us back into the flock?

Of course, sometimes I don't think I want to be shepherded back. I don't want to find that "right" path again, because at the moment, I don't believe it is the right path. It's the easy path (and, I'm sure many will argue that... claiming a path of sin and following the rest of the sinners would be the easy path. The path to God isn't the easy one. Well... I'll save that argument for another post).

Have you ever lost faith? Even if only temporary? Has it ever frightened you?

Don't Help

I recently read an article that I found to be incredibly well written, with a lesson that is so true. "Please Don't Help My Kids" is written as a letter to someone on a playground who tries to help the author's child make it up a ladder. She is telling this person that there is a reason she isn't helping her child - there is a reason for having this frustrated child figure it out on her own.

I can't count the number of times I've been in the shoes of this mother, or in the shoes of this helpful person, or in the shoes of the frustrated child. We've all been there. We've all looked at that ladder in front of us, and wanted someone else to lift us to the top because we didn't want to face the challenge. We've all watched someone else stare up at that ladder and wanted to reach out to lift them to the top. And we've all watched our children and loved ones stare at that ladder, and have known that we must allow them to try it on their own.

This article discusses the need to allow children to face their own challenges head-on. Children, and adults as well, need to learn the skills to problem-solve. They need to learn to overcome obstacles - or, to at least try on their own before reaching out for help. We are all - children included - capable of much more than we give ourselves credit for, and are more capable than others give us credit for. But if we constantly do the work for someone else - if we continuously lift our children to the top of the ladder - they will never learn to do it on their own. 

Yes, they may fall. This is a part of life. They may skin their knees, or get some bumps and bruises along the way, but this, too, is a part of life. The strongest people are those who've received skinned knees and bruises, but kept trying until they figured out how to get up that ladder.

 I'm not saying we can't ever help. Or that we shouldn't sometimes ask for help. In this life, we will often need someone's helping hands to guide us. But there is a difference between lifting someone to the top, and holding their hand (or standing beside them for support) while they climb. We need to learn when to step in, and how much to do when we do step in. We need to learn when to keep trying on our own, and when to reach out for assistance. And, we need to learn what it is we're asking for.

I can say "Please deal with this for me." Or, I can say, "Please stand beside me and catch me if I fall." Or, I can say, "I can do this on my own, but please be here to kiss my knee if I fall." Or, I can simply say "I've got this." Each may be appropriate depending on the situation, but I would caution against ever using "Please deal with this for me" - unless you've tried and tried and your knees simply cannot take any more bumps and bruises. "Catch me if I fall" or "Kiss my knee if I fall" both require a good deal of trust in another person, but are good concepts.

Asking for help, for someone to be there to bandage the boo-boos, is one of the hardest lessons for me. I grew up being taught that you don't ask for help. I grew up being taught that no one will be there to help. I was forced to overcome obstacles on my own, without anyone there to catch me or fix the scraped knees. This is not the way to go either. Children (and all of us) need to learn that they can do it on their own; but they need to know that there will be someone there supporting them. They gain confidence in themselves, and trust in others, and this is what we all need.

And this is what God offers us.

Our Father does not lift us over the obstacles in life. He does not keep us from them. Every day we are faced with trials in this life. We run into walls which we must find a way over. We fall. We skin our knees. And God does not prevent this from happening. However, he stays beside us. He gives us the courage and strength to push past these obstacles. He holds our hands and hearts as we stumble, guiding us.

Isaiah 41:10 - do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

 

 There is a special strength given to us when we have this trust in God... an extraordinary gift of courage and confidence given to us when we know that God is there watching us as we face obstacles. Through faith in him, we know we can make it through this difficult time, and the next. We know we can climb the ladder. We know that if we fall, God is there to catch us, to soothe our bruises, and to give us the strength to try again until we finally make it to the top.

Bible Study Answers

"When they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken; and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God with boldness" (Acts 4:31)

Last Thursday, I had the privilege of being invited to Bible Study at my church by a friend of mine, whom I used to work with (and still work in the same building as). As she knows, I'm not much for speaking in a group setting. But, I do enjoy sitting there and absorbing what is taught, provided something is actually taught. Anyway, there were a few questions which were a part of the lesson, of which I never did speak up and answer, because of my comfort level in this group. So, without further ado, here are my answers to some of these questions...

2. Consider the place of prayer in your own life. What are the circumstances in which you pray? Are there situations or times when it it harder (or easier) to pray? Has there been a time when prayer has been especially significant for you or for people you know or love? 

When I was younger, prayer was a common thing for me. I would pray that my parents would stop beating us children; that God would save us from the pain we were going through. I would pray that the other forms of abuse we dealt with on a regular basis would end. I prayed for death. I prayed for salvation. I prayed for peace, and happiness. I prayed God would at least let me know that he truly was there watching over us.

After suffering for years, I began to doubt in God. I went through a painful period of trying to figure out if he truly existed, and if so, why he never listened to or answered my prayers. Eventually, while still without any good answers, I began to alter my prayers.

Today, I pray to give thanks for what I do have. And I pray for others. I no longer (or, rarely anyway) pray for myself. I pray my children have enough to eat this month. I pray for their health and happiness. I pray for Dad - while I realize the cancer will not go away, I pray that God gives him peace, and takes away his pain. I pray for Mom - that she has the strength to make it through this difficult time. I pray for my husband - that during his continued trials, he finds some joy in life. I pray for my pastor and his wife - that while I am still hurt and angry that I will be losing a trusted friend (or, rather, two friends), I pray they find happiness and peace in their new home. I pray for my other friends who are going through difficult times right now.

I have a difficult time praying for myself... this would have to be the most difficult for me. To pray for something I want or need... this is something I spent so many years doing without any answers. And so, I no longer do so. It's difficult to pray knowing that the personal prayers will not be answered... believing that maybe I'm not worth having those prayers answered. And, it's just difficult as it seems so selfish to pray for oneself.

6. Can you recall a situation in which you spoke boldly in the face of opposition or risk? What happened? What gave you the courage to do this?

This hasn't happened much recently, and I don't think it has ever happened for me in regards to religion. However, I do recall a few times when I was in high school still. One time actually ended up in a fist fight (the only fist fight I ever got into). Some kids were outside the school smoking... and were trying to convince a mentally handicapped girl to smoke. "If you smoke with us, we'll be your friends. We'll take care of you.." I was furious. I had spent a few years working with the mentally disabled - teaching Sunday school to them, babysitting them, etc - and I was very protective of them. And so I did speak up. I knew the risks - the main girl trying to get the other to smoke was about twice my size, and well known to pummel anyone or anything that got in her way. But I didn't care. Well, as I said, it did end up with fists flying, but for the most part it was me on top of the other one... it was me doing the pummeling.

I'm not sure what gave me the courage... I just knew that someone needed to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

A couple other times were also in high school. We had two teachers - one whom enjoyed touching his female students, and another who gave the popular kids good grades, regardless of whether or not they deserved such a grade. With help from a friend, we managed to get both of these teachers asked to leave the school. In the case of the first - sexual harassment is never right, and I knew the discomfort and shame felt by girls who are abused in this way by an elder. In the case of the second... I'm all about fairness (or, used to be anyway). And so I just didn't like her.

7. What makes it difficult to speak boldly about your faith, or about what God has done in Jesus? What might help to overcome that difficulty? Fill in the blanks in the following statements: Something important to me about God, Jesus, or my faith is___________. One way I could "speak boldly" about this is _______________. 

Now this is an interesting question (the first part anyway). There are a few different answers. First, it would depend on who I'm around. Around my old college friends and some of my other friends (both of which are only on Facebook)... most of them are not firm believers in God. Some are willing to accept there might be a higher power, but that's as far as it goes. And some are atheist. Speaking boldly - it isn't that it's difficult, so to speak, but more that it's just pointless. I think the most difficult part for me is that I do not like having anyone else's views pushed on me, and therefore do not want to force my views on anyone else.

Around other people... such as people in the church... I just simply do not feel comfortable. It has nothing to do with faith being the difficult part of speaking... I just don't like speaking in front of them.

But, I think besides not wanting to push views, the other difficulty in general is that I'm not 100% positive about my own beliefs. Yes, I know there is a God. But, that's as much as I can say I am absolutely certain of. If anyone were to start asking questions, I know I would not be able to answer. 

8. Share a time when you or a community of believers had a foundation-shaking experience of God. This may have been a radical or energizing experience, or perhaps a quiet and comforting one. Briefly describe the experience and the outcome of the experience. 

The one time that sticks out the most to me happened earlier this year. Our town's youth group went on a trip to Minot to help with flood relief. This trip changed me in so many ways. Seeing a group of 13-16 year old teens doing hard physical labor to help others renewed my faith in mankind. Partaking in that physical labor renewed my faith in my own ability to act selflessly. Hearing the stories of those affected by the flood - the loss they had to deal with, the constant struggle to rebuild - it made me much more grateful for what I have. Watching everyone work together, play together, pray together - it made God's work and word more visible than I had ever seen or experienced before.

But above and beyond all this, this was when God answered one of my unspoken prayers and sent to me someone who would change my life in ways I haven't fully realized. It was at this time when I began to believe again, and trust again, and open myself up.

9. Where does the Spirit seek to move you and your own gathered community today? In what ways is the Spirit empowering a change, so that you might speak the word of God with boldness?

I'm not certain. I know the journey that was started in Minot is still the path I am on, but I don't know where the Spirit is moving me. I know there is a change continuing within me, but am still in the process of fighting this change. Boldness is currently hiding from me... or rather, I am hiding from it.

Another non-sermon

Ok, so last night I said this blog wouldn't be updated... obviously I lied. However, the part about the sins not being finished wasn't a lie. I will hopefully eventually finish them, but I can't force the topic and quite frankly, I'm not in the right frame of mind to finish them.

I can't say what got into me last night with the whine-fest. A defense mechanism of mine, no doubt. Head on over the darkside of the rose to read more on that topic and how it affects me. But for here... for this site... I have put my faith in God and my trust in one of his servants. And, I'm not one to put faith or trust in anyone or anything. And thus, I get a bit "what the hell am I thinking!" from time to time. And sadly, while God may have given me a talent for writing... a talent which I usually think of as a blessing... this ability can also be a pain in that I tend to write what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, whether it's right or wrong.

Have you ever felt like you have crossed a line? Made someone angry with you? Or did something wrong but don't have a clue what that could be? I hate that feeling. And, I think either my recent blog posts, or other writings, may be the cause of this. I just wish any issues would be spoken (or written) to me. While I generally don't care what people think, there are some people that I do care about.

I'm a bit all over the board today, and not really sure what I'm trying to say or why I'm saying it on my sermon blog. I only know that I don't like feeling like I've hurt someone, especially when I'm not even sure what I've done. When I choose to care about someone... to love someone... to put my trust in someone... I try not to do so only partially, because I would not want someone to love me only partially. I would not want God to do so partially.

 John 13:34 - A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 

I don't know that I can ever love as selflessly or wholly as God loves, but I will try, and I do love. It isn't seen my many because of my own fears, but I do love.
 
 Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Faith and trust are less common to me than love is. And my faith is often shaken, again, because of my own fears. I generally do not follow blindly, and this is exactly what faith and trust require. And so while I say I have faith, and I say I trust someone, this doesn't mean I won't occasional stumble and wonder if my faith and trust are being placed correctly. This is not a reflection on God or other people I place my faith and trust in. This is a reflection of who I am, and what I am, and how I work. This is a reflection of me.

If I have said I love you, or that I have faith in something, or that I trust someone - believe it, because it is as true a statement as anything the Lord has said. I do not lie when it comes to these words.

Invictus

"It matters not how strait the gate,  
  How charged with punishments the scroll,  
I am the master of my fate:  
  I am the captain of my soul."
(Invictus - William Ernest Henley)

I was eighteen years old, admitted to fourth floor of St. John's hospital. My roommate was a beautiful artist, and I - a poet. Together, we made designed posters for everyone's doors... posters that described the residents and offered a little inspiration to each of them. But the most important poster we made had very little in the way of artwork, was not my own writing, and had copies made for each of the girls on the floor. This poster was quite simply the last stanza of Invictus. These were the words we lived by. They gave us hope, and motivation.

I remember one day when my pastor was visiting me, he saw one of these posters and asked about it. I explained it's importance. He couldn't understand - he didn't agree with the writing. We were wrong to cling to something so petty and silly and senseless.  It went against God and faith.

Fourth floor was the psychiatric floor of the hospital. This is where the "crazy" kids went. I was admitted against my will for depression, suicide and runaway. Most of the other girls were also in there for these reasons. I was the oldest at 18, and should have been put in the adult ward, but they felt I would get along better with the teenagers. They were probably right. The youngest there at the time was only 13. And she looked up to me. I never fully knew her story... we would offer only enough during group discussions to keep the nurse from hounding us, but never shared our complete stories. Anyone who's been through certain things knows better than to share these stories with strangers... or with anyone who could use the information to hurt you. But, I knew her dad had been raping and beating her. That truth was being screamed from her very core. Of course, not everyone could hear it. But I could. And some of the other girls could. And thus Invictus became important.

Invictus held a truth to us. Regardless of what my pastor had told me, Invictus did incorporate God and faith, but with a security attached. For an abused child, God was seen as either non-existent, or worse, someone whom had abandoned us. But at the same time, we felt an unbelievable need to pray, and to seek comfort and wisdom and salvation. But to admit this was a sign of weakness. Weakness was not allowed. Invictus was this prayer, this comfort, but without any weakness attached.

"It matters not how strait the gate" - Matthew 7:13-14 mentions this strait (narrow) gate: 13 “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy[a] that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. 14 For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

So yes, we had been forced through this narrow gate - this way of torment and obstacles and difficulty. But this does not matter. We can survive it.

"How charged with punishments the scroll" - this is believed to refer to the "list of sins" God keeps on all of us. Basically, all the wrongs we've committed in this lifetime.

"I am the master of my fate - I am the captain of my soul." - this is the part my pastor had the most issue with. God is supposed to be the master of our fates and the captain of our souls. But to us, when used in conjunction with the rest of the stanza, these two lines were a source of strength.

The whole thing together meant... no matter what hardships we must go through, no matter how much we've stumbled and done wrong, we can survive. We can get through it. And no MAN (or woman) will EVER control our soul or determine our fate. This will be determined and controlled by the strength within us.

Perhaps this strength came from our belief in God. Most often, it did. At least to a degree. But even if God is/was the source of strength, there is also a personal responsibility implied through these words. One issue I have with people that I have stated time and again is that they lack personal responsibility. They go to Church on Sunday, and sin the rest of the week, without even attempting to be a "good" Christian. If you follow the last two lines of Invictus, it is up to each of us to be the master and captain - we are in charge of the day to day decisions we make of whether or not to sin. And we are responsible for "how charged with punishments the scroll."

I still cling to these words, 20 years later. No, they do not come from God or the Bible. But there is a truth within them - a truth which does not have to defy God or religion, but can strengthen it.While at times I stumble in my belief, the poem to me means that God gives us strength so that no matter how much life sucks, we can make it through; and no matter what people throw at us, we still have the strength within us to make the right decisions.

Let me In!

You've passed away, leaving behind your friends and family, finally rid of the pain and suffering of existence as a living, breathing human being. Your soul stands before the Gates to Heaven. Will it be open to you? And is having them open for you enough to truly call yourself a good Christian?

Today's sermon goes along with the one regarding morality and religion, and also goes along with a couple other things I've written in recent weeks (Dear Pastors/Preachers and Dear Pastor Clarified). This entire topic is very important to me. It regards the question "What is a good Christian?".

Many people I know believe that so long as they believe in God, and his son, will go to heaven. No other action required.

Many others believe that you must do this, but you must attend church every Sunday (or, at least on a fairly regular basis). No other action required.

This is like when I tell my fourteen year old to do the laundry. Most of the time, what I get from this request is either: a) the clothes get put into the washing machine, the washing machine runs, but this is as far as it goes, or b) the clothes also manage to get dried by then remain in the dryer or in the clothes basket unfolded. If you are given a task, it is required you complete this task from start to finish. We all know that. However, many of us will hide behind "you didn't specify what you wanted." I did not tell her specifically to wash the clothes, dry them, fold them, then put them away in the correct dresser drawers.

So does God only give us the minimum of instructions? Is there anything beyond those minimum instructions required for us to get into Heaven? 

Ephesians 2:8-9 - For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

John 3:16 - “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 

 These two verses seem to imply that all I have to do is believe. Yes! I am in! I can sit around and do nothing more. 

James 2:24- You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

John 14:15 - “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. 

Oh... hmm... this isn't good. I think I will choose to ignore verses like these. I don't like them. I am a good Christian. I believe in God the father, son and holy spirit. I go to church every Sunday, I've been baptized and confirmed into the faith, and I sometimes repent my sins. I am in!

Seriously people - even if all that is required to get in is to believe... this isn't right. Morally we have an obligation to carry it to a higher level. No one will ever be perfect while here on earth. We all sin. We're all going to screw this up. But that doesn't mean we just sit back and allow ourselves to sin, then go to Church on Sunday so it's all forgiven. 

Think of Heaven as an elite university we all want to get into. Our transcripts are in - we've all believed in God, attended church, been baptized and confirmed. So now the dean (God) must look at our extra-curricular activities. When you were walking home and saw an elderly lady struggling to pick something up which she dropped... did you help the lady? When your friend needed to get home because of an emergency and you had the extra cash to pay for gas, did you help? After enjoying a large meal, and leaving the restaurant, you noticed a homeless man sitting in the corner hungry. Did you offer a meal or some money to help this man? Someone called you in tears. Her best friend just died. You were on your way to a concert you spent $100 on. Did you stay home to take care of your friend? Or did you go enjoy your concert? 

 What will your application for entrance to Heaven look like? Remember, it isn't just about the grades you get, it's about all the little things you do as well.