You can Shatter the Darkness

TRIGGER WARNING: This post is about child abuse - more specifically, child sexual abuse. 

Before I begin this post, I want to apologize if it ends up being rather disjointed. So many thoughts are flying through my head this morning, and it is impossible for me to organize them.

I've been involved in many debates regarding same-sex marriage. It seems to be one of the forerunners in hot button topics for Christians. A common argument for why homosexuality isn't a sin is that it is believed by many that homosexuals are born that way. The counter argument - and the one which angers me the most - it's believed pedophiles are born that way too. Do we just allow them to marry/have sex with children because it's in their genes?

There is such an enormous difference between two consenting same-sex adults engaged in a monogamous relationship, and an adult and a child engaged in a "relationship." Besides the fact that the child cannot consent, it is so insanely detrimental to the child's emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental development.

Imagine being a four year old, forced to sit on a man's lap as he slides his hand inside your pants. Imagine him touching you, fondling you. Imagine the confusion in your mind and the physical pain as he enters you. Imagine the guilt and shame and just plain dirtiness. Imagine the isolation and loneliness and destitution when you know you cannot tell anyone, or you do and no one believes you, or no one stops it. Imagine being a helpless child, at the mercy of someone several times larger and stronger than you. Imagine it being someone who is supposed to care for you and love you and protect you.

I've seen the reactions on people's faces when the topic of child sexual abuse comes up. I've seen them want to crawl into a hole and ignore that this kind of horror happens. I've heard them mutter something about God being with these children - that God will take care of them and comfort them.

How can a child ever believe such a thing when even the adults in his/her life don't show any care or comfort towards him/her?

How can we all sit idly by, arguing over all these other things (things which, ultimately, do not hurt anyone) and ignore the pain and darkness which lurk in the eyes of these children?

A couple years ago, our youth group participated in a fundraiser to provide pajamas and blankets to abused children. As an abuse survivor, this is one project I encourage fully (and wish we'd continue - openly and aggressively - in our community). But, unless you've been there - unless you've had that trust and innocence shattered - you cannot understand.You'll want to be one who would prefer to ignore that this horror exists. You'll want to just shove it under a rug. And so as a society, we do just that. We don't talk about it. We don't look at it. We don't address it.

God will take care of these children and comfort them. How exactly will He do this? It is through the Body of Christ that God helps the helpless, comforts the saddened, strengthens the frightened, provides a light in the darkness. We are that Body. We are the ones who are supposed to be reaching out. We are the ones who are supposed to be protecting the innocent, the oppressed, those without a voice.

Only together can we shatter the darkness.

Helping Those Who Cannot Help Themselves

Unlike most of my posts, there is no header image to start this post. I simply could not find one that spoke appropriately to what this post is about. And so instead, there is nothing. But perhaps this in itself is significant... because this post is about those who believe they are nothing.

This post is difficult, at best, to write. And I doubt very many will actually follow through with each step. It's so much easier to ignore this topic - I know... I try so hard to ignore it every day. I am part of the problem. But, regardless of that, I am going to ask each of you to do 3 things....

1) Watch and listen to the video.
2) Come back and finish reading this post.
3) Reflect and pray

1: Video

2: My babbling

 There are many other songs/videos I could have selected... Concrete Angel, or The Little Girl, or Blown Away, or so many others... but there is something about this video that hits me...

It isn't just the simple fact that this little girl Alyssa was being abused. It isn't even just the fact that she was killed. It's the girl in the classroom... the one who, while watching this video, walks out of the room crying.

I was abused as a child. It wasn't just spankings, or the occasional slap across the face. It wasn't only when I "deserved" it, or when I was bad. I was beaten whenever my parents felt the need to use someone as a punching bag. I was thrown against walls, drug down stairs by my hair, shoved to the floor, kicked while I lay on that floor. I was hit with pans, dishes, furniture, the paddle, spoons, books, fists, feet, bottles.

This isn't the only abuse I faced - but it's all I will touch on in this post. And when I see videos like the one above, I am reminded of all the abuses I faced. Unlike Alyssa in this song, I am still alive to tell my tale. But, like Alyssa, I still find myself lying (or wanting to lie) about the bruises and trying to hide them from the world. I still find it difficult to open up - to friends, loved ones, strangers, and God - even though I know He knows it all.

Hearing songs and stories like this, I am reminded of feeling alone, and unloved. There was no loving God for me in those times - and even now, as an adult, I still sometimes sink into that belief that there is no loving God. Perhaps there is a God... but He does not love me. I am not worthy. Some days, I place so much blame on myself for the things that happened to me. Some days, I feel I deserved it all.

And I am not alone in this feeling. Almost everyone who has been abused has felt like this from time to time. Some of us still feel this way, even years after the abuse is over. The scars left from abuse run so much deeper than we want to admit. And these scars - no one else can see them. They don't understand why we don't simply believe in God, or have faith in Him. They don't understand why we hide from people and relationships and love. They don't understand that most of the time, our smiles and good nature are hiding wounds no person should have to face.

3: Reflect and pray

My favorite part of this video... and the part that makes me cry the hardest... is after the girl leaves the room and the teacher follows her to check on her. This is something so rare... and perhaps quite insignificant to most of you. But to those who have been abused... those who have been that girl in the classroom, recognizing and understanding the pain... this small act means so much.

To have someone come after you when you break down crying over something that may seem petty... even if they barely know you...

To have someone see the tears you try to hide when something hits a trigger...

To have someone grab your hand and tell you, in no uncertain terms, that you are a beloved child of God...

To have someone, for just a moment, recognize that the pain you have runs deeper than any ocean, and be willing to invite you into their life anyway...

To have someone just say "You are loved"...

To have someone wrap their arms around you as a sign of God's comforting embrace...

To have someone care...

I cannot express how much this means to those who are still wounded by the invisible scars of abuse. There is no better way to bring someone to Christ, and to help them realize they belong there, than to do these small, simple, seemingly insignificant acts.

I beg everyone - please make this effort. If you know someone who has been abused... be God's comforting arms. If you know someone whom you think has been in that place (or, still is)... be the light of Christ to that person. Take just a moment to reflect on the song and the scars abuse leaves, and pray God lead you to these people so that you can lead them to Him. There are so many children and adults who live in a pain most people can never understand fully - but by the grace of God, and the love He places in your heart and mind, you can help alleviate this pain and show them that they truly are beloved in the eyes of our Lord.

Thank you, and God bless.

Violence is (Usually) Not the Answer

For the past week or so, the news has been plagued with reports of yet another NFL player arrested/charged with domestic or child abuse. My Facebook news feed is inundated with these reports. And while it sickens me to read this reports, or to even see the headlines of them, I am also grateful in a way...

This issue is in no way limited to the NFL. Football players, athletes of any sort, celebrities - these are not the only people who abuse their significant others or children. However, while the issue is not reserved for NFL players, the subject is gaining widespread media attention because of their celebratory status. And this is not a bad thing. Abuse is something that should be talked about. That being said, allow me to talk about it yet again...

Spare the Rod - A Biblical Approach to Discipline?

What bothers me the most about the stories of child abuse is that the perpetrator and his/her supporters often quote the Bible.

 Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them. (Proverbs 13:24)

 Yes, at face value, this verse does appear to say it's okay to hit your child. God obviously is saying so. Our own Father gives us permission. But is this verse speaking of a literal rod? Are we being told that it's acceptable, and even required, to beat our children with a rod, staff, stick, paddle, etc?

Or, perhaps, we're being told we are to use authority with our children. We are to teach them right from wrong. We are to guide their behavior, teaching them to make wise decisions, and that wrong decisions have consequences. I don't think anyone would argue that we, as parents, should do doing this teaching. But this authority does not have to come with physical violence. In fact, it shouldn't come with physical violence.

If You Beat Them, They Will not Die (is God a liar?)

Let's look at another typical Bible verse that is used to defend hitting a defenseless child:

Do not withhold discipline from your children; if you beat them with a rod, they will not die. (Proverbs 23:13)

 According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway (full citation and link to the statistics article is at the end of this post), an average of four children die daily in the US from child abuse and neglect. Nearly half of these (44.3%) are from physical abuse. That is approximately two children daily who are dying because a parent or guardian has chosen to beat their child. And this is just in the United States. Two children whose parents followed the literal translation of Proverbs 13 and 23, dying each day because of this.

So did God lie in the Bible? It specifically states the child will not die.

Or did God not mean it to be taken in such a literal form? Was God simply instructing us to disciple our children in the ways of the Lord?

Did We Forget the Lessons on Violence?

Do not envy the violent and do not choose any of their ways (Proverbs 3:31)

Now the works of the flesh are obvious: ... enmities, strife, jealousy, anger, ... and things like these. I am warning you, as I warned you before: those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-21)

The Lord tests the righteous and the wicked, and his soul hates the lover of violence. (Psalm 11:5)

Hitting a child, or anyone, is violence. And it's teaching violence. It is causing a child to stumble. It is often done in anger - another thing we are to be beware of and control. And instead we're teaching our children it is okay to use your hands/fists/objects to express your anger.

Now, I probably should clarify here, that while I do not think spanking is the best option, those who spank open-handed, on the bottom, not in anger, and only rarely (for those "big" transgressions children sometimes do), are not necessarily wrong or a child abuser. However, it is my experience that most parents who do spank do so in anger, for nearly every offense. And I still believe that it is a violent method of parenting which does teach a child to handle problems with violence.

We've Learned Violence Isn't Appropriate Elsewhere...

We recognize that it is not acceptable to beat those who work for us. Most of us recognize we are not to beat parents, wives, husbands, friends, strangers. But when it comes to our own children? So many people still believe that parents, teachers, ministers, etc should have the right to raise a hand (or a rod) to those who cannot defend themselves.

Please, when you're angry because your child has done something wrong (or, when you're just angry in general), walk away. Calm down. Discipline yourself in controlling your anger before you decide to teach your child what they've done wrong. An angry parent will scare a child. A calm, loving parent will teach a child.

God bless!


Reference:
Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2014).
Child abuseand neglect fatalities 2012: Statistics and interventions.
Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services, Children’s Bureau.

All Bible Verses are from the New Revised Standard Version

Break the Cycle of Violence

"This is how I was disciplined."

For those who haven't been paying attention to the news, Adrian Peterson - running back for the Minnesota Vikings - has been indicted for child abuse.

For those who have never read my blog - I am very much against child abuse. I am even more against those using the phrase "this is how I was disciplined" as an excuse for abusive behavior.

I was abused. My parents used whatever object they could find to hit me, or just resorted to fists, hands, feet, or whatever other body part they felt like using. Because of the "discipline" I was subjected to... because I knew the pain and scars it caused... I made the decision to never hurt my children in this way.

I have been accused of being a lazy parent because I don't spank or otherwise hit my children. But it has been my experience that spanking, hitting, or otherwise hurting a child is actually the lazy way to do things. To not hit - but still discipline - means a parent has to know their child. They need to understand what will affect their child (such as taking away a cell phone, or television time). And more importantly, they need to take the time to actually teach their children right from wrong, rather than rely on beating the message into the children. They need to be consistent with the teachings. They need to weigh the severity of the behavior, and determine a meaningful consequence. They need to recognize good behavior at the same time, and determine a meaningful reward.

Your child pushes another child (such as the case with Adrian Peterson's child)... what message are you teaching by hitting the child repeatedly with a stick? You're teaching the child violence - plain and simple. You are teaching violence to correct the child's violence towards another.

But a greater issue than even that is to blame it on your own upbringing. Basically, by saying "this is how I was disciplined" you are saying, "this is how my child is going to be when he is a father. He is going to beat his child. He is going to cause open wounds, bruises, and other marks on my grandchild. And I'm ok with that."

Please! Recognize the seriousness of child abuse. Recognize what messages we're really teaching children when we hit them. You do not need to strike a child EVER to teach them love and respect. If you take the time to teach them with words and by modeling the behavior you expect, you'll teach them a lot more than you ever could by hitting them.

If you were abused as a child - get help. Recognize that there are other ways to discipline, and be open to learning these other ways. Break the cycle of violence today!

Where was God?

The memories - for the most part - are like little snippets of another life. They flash here and there, never a full story...

Being thrown against a wall
Being pulled down the stairs by my hair, struggling to stay on my feet
Hands on either side of my face, slamming the back of my head repeatedly into a wall
Being pulled out of bed by my hair
Backhanded across the face
Punched in the face, the stomach, the chest
Thrown to the ground, kicks coming from every direction, to my stomach, arms, legs, face, back
My face being shoved into my own vomit before being forced to clean it up
Thrown out the door in the middle of a blizzard, wearing only jeans and a t-shirt, the door locked behind me
The "peacemaker" paddle causing welts and bruises and torn flesh

God is Always With Us - a Constant Comfort...

I grew up going to Church somewhat regularly. And I remember always being taught as a child that God is always with us. God will comfort us. God loves us.

Of course, my parents also told me they love me. They would always be there for me.

In the mind of a child, this was a quite easy equation. Parents = evil. Parents' words = God's Words. Therefore, God = evil.

Where Was God?

If God is always with us, where was He during the events noted above? Where is He while millions of children are abused and broken by those who are supposed to care for them? Either...

God is indeed just evil
God is testing us
God is indifferent to our suffering
God is punishing us
God is concerned with preparing our Eternal Home, and until then is simply letting our lives play out

As I've gotten older, and struggled with the why's and where's of God, I've come to realize God is good. So, the last option is the only one that really work.
But, it's more than God just letting our lives play out...

Where Should God Have Been? 

God should have been in the heart of the pastor I turned to for help as a child - the one whom, instead of helping get us out of the home, told us to respect our parents.

God should have been in the hearts of the neighbors who heard the screams of a child. He should have been in the hearts of the teachers who saw the bruises, and "child protective services" who simply sent a therapist into the home.

God should have been in the hearts of the counselors who were faced with a sobbing, unloved child; and with the friends who were turned to in the middle of the night.

God Should Be in All of Us!

This doesn't just apply to abused children - it applies to everything and everyone. When someone is crying, we should be God's shoulder. When someone is in need of God's embrace, we should be His arms.

It's easy to turn someone away - we're too busy, too tired, too something. But that is not what God wants from us.

We're here to be like Christ. 
We're here to be the comfort and strength someone hurting needs.
We're here to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, love the unloved, and build up the torn down.
We are here for God's presence and comfort to be visible to all.

Stop Pointing a Finger, Reach Out a Hand

Sometimes I read something that just gets my head spinning and my emotions churning and there are just too many things to say. Even more often, it comes from reading the comments on articles that really does this to me.

Demon-Possessed Child Locked Up

When I first read this article, I felt an immediate sting of anger. Ok, so it really wasn't even a sting. I saw red. I know what it's like to be put through this kind of torture (to a degree). I know what it's like to be humiliated and ashamed and made to feel like every thrash is my own fault. I know what this kid has to look forward to.

And then I started reading the comments.

Some were intelligent. Some pointed out that this is not a case of Christianity being bad and allowing this kind of activity. It's a case of two people (religion unknown) looking for a scapegoat for beating their child. Religion has little if anything to do with it. Some pointed out that these parents need serious help. Some pointed out that we should stop making this about religion and the parents and pray for this little boy.

And that's what it should be about. But in our desire to smack people down, so many of us ignore the true needs of others. We should be loving this child as if he were our own. We should be attempting to show some compassion and understanding that these parents definitely do need help. Yes, they should be punished for their actions, but they should also get the help they need to understand you do not treat another human (or any of God's creation) this way.

Instead, we make it about religion. We twist true Christianity and turn it into something evil. We claim God allows this kind of evil behavior. We excuse our actions or those of others by claiming He sanctions it through the Bible.

Or we make it about revenge. We talk about how these parents should experience the same torture. The truth is - they probably already did experience it... when they were children. Don't get me wrong - just because you were abused, does not give you the right to abuse someone else. But it sadly is so often the case. Why? Because it's easier to excuse our horrible actions than to seek out Godly actions. And sometimes it's because no one stood up to teach those Godly actions.

How Did it Get to This Point?

Did no one notice a 6 year old missing? Did no one notice the bruises and burns? Did no one hear the cries?

We turn a blind eye until we see the story in the paper. And then we blame it on religion, or the government, or our education system, or something else in society.

Stop blaming and start acting!

As Christians, we should always be mindful of those in need. We should always be showing compassion. We should always be treating other people as if they are family - because they are. We should be forgiving our enemies. And our friends. And strangers. We should be loving each and every one of these people.

Stop pointing a finger, and instead reach out a hand.

God bless

Religion is Child Abuse

A Google+ friend of mine shared this image earlier today, and it got me thinking...

It's completely right... and completely wrong.

Religion Done Wrong

I was brought up in the church... or, at least, with a church history and education (Sunday School, Pre-confirmation, confirmation, attendance at church many Sundays, etc. I was taught that I am:

• Broken
• Flawed
• Sinful
• Dumb
• Weak
• Nothing

I've witnessed other people - children and adults - being taught the same thing. The pastor/preacher/priest prattles on from the pulpit about how we're all broken, sinful people. We're all unworthy nothings. And... there the message stops (and/or, that's where we stop listening).

Religion Done Right (aka Relationship instead of Religion)

The full message, if the pastor/preacher/priest were to finish it (or, if we were to listen to the end) is...

We're all broken, sinful people. We're unworthy of God's love. But that's okay. We're still beloved children of God. Whether or not we deserve God's grace and love does not matter - we have it anyway. Through Christ, our sins are forgiven and our brokenness is overlooked and we are not nothings.

God did not create worthless people with nothing to offer this world. He created people who are

• Full of wonder
• Smart
• Great learners
• Beautiful
• And who have a potential for greatness!

Religion is Child Abuse... But Not Always

With the picture above, when it was shared, talked about how religion is child abuse. And, I've heard this before - teaching children religion is child abuse. Well...

Anyone who lets the message stop at us being broken, sinful and unworthy - yes, I would agree this would be child abuse (or, adult abuse). Anyone who would insult another to this degree, knocking them down and making them feel like they can never be enough - yes, they are abusing the person, abusing God's Word, and abusing the position of teaching God has given them.

Those who teach that God did not create us to be worthless... those who teach that God did not say "you will never be enough"... those who teach God's love regardless of our sinfulness and brokenness... These are the people who understand the message of God. These are the people who are not abusing the child (or adult).

Maybe it would be better for us to teach... With Christ, you are Something! rather than Without Christ, you are Nothing! I don't know... it's the same thing... and yet...

The Condemned House - Built with Lies

The one thing more dangerous than growing up in a house without God, is growing up in one built with lies about God.

In our previous articles regarding the condemned house, we briefly touched on Love. We discussed the importance of Trust in rebuilding our hearts. And we discussed the damage of Fear on our hearts.

How do lies affect all of this? 

• Christian lies build fear. They multiply it. Left on their own, they can and will destroy a heart by feeding the fears that reside there. 
• Christian lies betray trust. They hold it back. They keep it from being able to be built and strengthened.

What are Christian Lies?

The lies I speak of are the concepts we're taught growing up in which the Bible or Church is used to support, but which are actually dangerous untruths. For example...

Women are subservient, and must obey their husbands and serve them.
Yes, there are Bible verses which support submission by a wife to her husband... just as there are verses which support the reverse as well. The truth some of us aren't taught is mutual submission, and is a truth which leads to healthy, strong relationships for both husbands and wives. It does not involve the wife being barefoot and pregnant, expected to do her husband's every wish.

It is acceptable to rape or otherwise hurt your wife.
This again plays into those lies of women being property of men. Because the Bible states that if a man rapes a woman he must marry her, some people actually teach that it is ok to rape her. Again, the truth is women are a creation of God, created equal to (though obviously different from) men, and must be treated as wonderful creations of our Lord.

Women cannot have any authority over men.
Again, a lie. Women in the Bible held many different positions of authority, and Jesus acquainted himself with many different women, and even had some as disciples. They were never treated as less than a man.

If you love your children, you won't withhold physical punishment from them. The Bible gives permission to beat children.
I've heard the Proverbs verses used and abused to allow beating of children, molestation of children, a complete stripping of rights and free thinking of children, turning them into obedient little robots. Lies! The Bible tells us, as parents, to use authority to teach our children in the way of the Lord; to discipline (not necessarily punish them) them so they grow up with good morals.

If you do not follow every commandment all the time, you are going to hell!
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying we shouldn't try to follow the commandments. We should try. We should try to be good, loving people. But the truth is, we are human, and we will mess up... repeatedly.

Love means judging others, consistently pointing out all their flaws; reminding them they're going to hell.
Love means love. Love means helping others. Love means giving the shirt off your back and the shoes off your feet to those less fortunate. Love means embracing those who are marginalized, bringing them into the fellowship of Christ. Love means accepting people even if they're sinners (after all, you are one too... as am I... and that person over there...)

If something bad happens, it's punishment for your sins. 
Imagine being told your dog died because you didn't eat all your vegetables. Your friend broke her leg because you didn't clean up your room. Imagine being a child and having your brother beat right in front of your eyes, and being told it's your fault this happened.... that God is punishing him for something you did.

Lies built this house

I'm sure this list could easily be expanded upon. These are simply some of which I have been taught - mostly during my childhood. And, I'm sure many of you will argue with me regarding whether or not some of these are lies. After all, there is some form of biblical support for each of them. Anyone with a Bible and concordance can  find verses to support almost any topic.

But for me, they are lies. They are dangerous lies which kept me from God for so many years. How could I love a God who sanctions child abuse? Or rape? How can I trust in a God who beats another child because of a small mistake I made? Who takes the life of a child because of me?

Houses must be built on Truth!

A house built with these lies will come tumbling down. Hearts built with these lies with forever live in distrust and fear. And what really makes these lies so dangerous? They are built falsely using the Bible. The Bible! God's own Word. God gave a man permission to rape me; my parents permission to beat me! Those lies... oh how they stick with a person, even after you've recognized that they are quite possibly lies.

Houses... Hearts... must be built on God's Truth. We must turn to our Bibles, read the Words ourselves, and recognize that we have a loving God - not a God whom sanctions such actions. God loves His creation - all of His creation...

men, women, children.

You. Me.

May God bless you all with the wonders of His Truth and Love!

Let it Crumble - Hell, Let it Burn - to the Ground

We take a break from our irregularly scheduled programming of the Condemned House series to bring you this little rant...

I've been discussing how we must rebuild our hearts - how we must learn to trust both in God and man; how we must tear down the pseudo-walls fear has built - so we can grow in Christ, and be healthier, loving children of God.

But one thing that I failed to mention - though did not fail to recognize - is that these walls were built for a reason. This inability (or lack of desire) to trust came about for a reason.

The one thing I have been preaching time and again in my blog posts is that love does not hurt. And, I stand beside the belief that it should not hurt. But the truth of the matter is that it does. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that people continue to hurt others in the name of love.

It's ok to physically or emotionally harm another person... so long as you do so out of love. And so long as people continue pushing this lie, the walls continue to stand erect around my heart. So long as supposed loved ones continue pushing this lie, the foundation of trust can never stand strong.

We're to protect those we care about. We're to lay down our own life for those we love. But who truly does this? Who truly loves another to protect that person? Is it truly so much easier to side with those who are causing harm? Is it truly so much easier to smack someone down?

How dare you claim love when you're part of the problem! How dare you say you care when all you can do is sling insults and stand back watching as another beats someone to the ground!

This love that people toss around is a lie. It is filled with abuse, and hurt, and pain. Is it truly any wonder we continue to reside in condemned homes? It it any wonder I hide in a locked, walled-off room, alone with just my silly ideals of how love should be?

Yes, I am passionate on the subjects of love and abuse - and how the two can never live together. If this makes me a mean person, or a stupid person, or silly, or whatever insults you want to say... fine. I'll stay in my little locked away room, the ground crumbling beneath me, until the world recognizes what Godly love truly is. Hell, maybe I'll set the damn thing on fire and let my silly, stupid ideals burn, along with me.

Maybe I'll let you all win.

Love Hurts??? (PS - That is Not Love!)

I've been on an abuse kick with the writing lately. Listening to stories from friends, remembering my own stories... it's a topic that really is so much closer to each of us than any of us want to see or admit.

Child abuse, domestic abuse, spousal abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, rape, molestation, neglect....

For most of this post, when I say "abuse", I mean any and all of the above. While different in nature, they're all the same thing (Spoiler alert: this "same thing" is NOT love).

Tonight, I knew I wanted to write about this topic again. So, I jumped online and started searching for a Bible verse I know exists - one about how we shouldn't cause harm to others; and another on how husbands should not be harsh with their wives. But instead, I found this verse, being used to support the abuse of wives...

Blows that wound cleanse away evil; beatings make clean the innermost parts. (Proverbs 20:30)

Upon reading how this verse was being abused to give husbands permission to beat their wives; parents the right to beat their children; people in general the right to harm others - I closed my Bible software, closed my Bible Gateway website, and removed my Bible from my room. And then cried. 

I don't have the Bible memorized. I don't know specific verses (other than the rare few I recall from my required memorization in Confirmation classes). But I do know that the Bible is not about causing harm to others. It is not about proving you're better/stronger than someone else. It is not about bruising someone you consider yourself lord over. 

The Bible is about God's love for us. And abuse is NOT love. I don't care how you slice it. I don't care what twisted wordplay you try - it is not love. Love doesn't hurt. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say, hurt is never caused out of love. 

And this doesn't just go for physical abuse. Time and again I see people posting things about how the truth hurts... and that we do this because we love others. We're obligated to judge others and tell them they are going to hell.... because we love them. We're allowed to turn people away from the church, and our arms, because they are sinners or non-believers or whatever the case may be.... but, these people claim they are acting this way out of love. 

Come on people. Do you even know what love means? Have you been so abused your whole life that you don't recognize the truth in love? Hell, I HAVE been abused and at least I can recognize what is love and what isn't... and abuse NEVER is!!!

Love is NOT hurt. It is not pain. Not intentional anyway. Any hurt intentionally done to someone else... regardless of the reason... is NOT love!

Hiding Scars

I remember one morning, slipping out of the house to go await the school bus. The bus stop was right across the street from our house, and one of my friends was already there. It was winter, but not too cold - perhaps February or March. If I recall correctly, I was in 7th grade.

As I crossed the street, I prayed the bus would arrive before my parents awoke.

But within minutes - "Brandi! Get in here!"

My shoulders slumped as my prayer went unanswered. My step-mother had noticed me standing there without my earmuffs. She grabbed me as soon as I opened the door, spinning me around and slamming my head into the wall of the small back entryway. Several punches later - some of which unintentionally hit my face - she asked me where my earmuffs were, to which I replied with the truth as blood dripped from my lips. I'd broken them accidentally a few days earlier. Several more punches later, and with a few choice words aimed at me, she slammed my head again into the wall and walked out, telling me to clean myself up.

Blood was splattered on my winter coat, and matted in my hair. A few drops had made it onto my tshirt and jeans. I washed up as best I could, changed clothes, and found an old coat. The bus hadn't shown up yet, and I could see my friend looking over at the house with concern. I bit back tears as I grabbed my backpack.

My step-mother walked in, took one look at me, and lovingly told me I had to stay home, and that I should go get some rest. She called the school to let them know I was ill, and as I walked past the mirror, I understood. She'd given me a fat lip and bruised my face. No one was supposed to see the bruises and scars.

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So many of us hide bruises and scars - whether physical or emotional or spiritual. We keep them locked away, hidden from strangers, co-workers, even friends and family. We don't want people to see the pain - even if it is decades old pain.

What will people think if they know you were abused as a child? Or raped? Or molested? What will people think if they find out you used to get so depressed, you'd cut yourself or punch a tree until your hand was bruised and bloody? What will people think if they know that for a while, you hated God for causing these bruises and scars? Who might turn their back if they found out you were bullied in school? How many would turn their backs on you if they knew you were verbally abused by parents, teachers, pastors, or someone else in authority?

No matter what kind of abuse we go through... no matter who gives us those bruises and scars... there is always a fear that someone is going to find out and determine we must have deserved it. There is always a fear that we will not be accepted for who we are. Perhaps all we are worth is the scars...

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Christ never hid His scars. Upon His resurrection, He showed these scars to His disciples. And He wears these scars still - unhidden - as a reminder to all what was accomplished through the receiving of those scars.

Now granted, those of us with scars cannot lay claim that we received them in a victory of saving our sinful human race. But there is still victory to be had in each scar and every bruise. Whether those scars and bruises are visible and external, or emotional or spiritual and unseen, there can still come a good from them.

I don't believe in the statement "it's part of God's plan." I don't see our God as one who would have one of His children raped or abused. But I do believe He wants to help us take these scars and grow from them. We can become stronger. We can become helpers of those going through what we have. We can turn our scars into a victory.

But we must first stop hiding the scars. We must be willing to reach out and say "Look at my hands..."

Where is God and the Guardian Angels?

I've decided this is what my guardian angel looks like... and it does explain why I keep ending up in scrapes...

But seriously...

Every now and then I realize that I truly am one of the lucky ones. I realize that God truly has been watching over me. True, I often forget this, and true, I have been through a lot. I have been molested and raped and beaten. I have suffered many forms of abuse from many different people - people who were supposed to love and care for me. And during these times (and times when I am feeling sorry for myself for what I went through), I often found myself asking if there really is a God. Is God and His angels just up there drinking beer and watching sports? Or perhaps they're playing chess... and I'm merely a pawn. Yes, I often thought these things.

Throughout the media lately, more and more stories come out that sicken me.... and make me realize that what I've gone through has been a party compared to what some suffer. A 4 month old who is raped to death by her mother's boyfriend - at the mother's request. A 7 year old sold into slavery and raped by dozens of men almost daily. Parents who hang colored curtains on their windows to let passers-by know if they have a boy or a girl under the age of 10 whose services are for sale. Parents who lock their child in a cage, feeding him from a dog dish, beating him with sticks. Teenagers forcing their girlfriends to provide sexual services to their friends. Boys opening fire on school children. Gangs of girls tormenting and torturing the girl who just doesn't quite fit in, beating her on camera just to make a cool YouTube video.

I could go on for days. But, I'm depressing myself and probably everyone else.

And just as I used to question God's existence when I went through torment and abuse, I am often confronted now by certain people with the question "How can you believe in God when things like this happen?" And, I can't answer with anything other than, "I just do."

Yes, there are still times when I think God must be on a coffee break. There are times when I seriously doubt there are guardian angels watching out for us (still really not sure where I stand on this topic anyway... ?). But I just can't help but believe that God is there. And He is watching out for us. Why do bad things happen? Why are babies killed and children raped and people tortured and tormented for no good reason? I don't know.

Perhaps God really does have a plan (although, I find a God who uses the rape of a baby as part of a "plan" to be a very cruel God indeed and not one I want to follow).

Perhaps God simply isn't that concerned with what happens on earth. He isn't tormenting us intentionally; He is simply more focused on our lives when we leave this earth. '

Perhaps the earth really is Satan's world, and we won't get a reprieve from the pain until we're in heaven (all the more reason to shape up and turn to God now).

I don't know. I don't have the answers. I only know that this world sometimes sucks, but I still believe in God and love Him.

God bless!

Sins of an Angel (And the Danger of Preaching)

I don't remember much of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father's friend. I believe it started when I was 4 years old. And I know it stopped when I was 8. I remember him calling me over to sit on his lap. I remember his hand reaching into my pants. I remember his other hand placing my hand inside his pants.

And I remember slipping into a fantasy world. I could not live in that time and place. My small, fragile mind could not be in the same place as my small, fragile body at that time. But, just because I wasn't mentally/emotionally present in these moments, doesn't mean they didn't affect me and stay with me and revisit me time and again in my nightmares. And they still do at times.

After we moved away from this abuse (and into a whole new kind of abuse, which is a subject for another time), I tried to forget what had happened. And, I succeeded for the most part - until someone started preaching that premarital sex is a sin. Losing your virginity outside of marriage is a sin. And, I grew up in a household where sin meant going to hell.

Surely God wouldn't send me to hell for something that happened when I was but a child?

Would He?

I slowly forgot about such a concept. I pushed it back into the recesses of my mind. I wasn't prepared to understand or accept that what happened to me was my own fault, although I already knew such a thing.

Then that one summer happened. I was sixteen, out bike riding with a couple friends. My girlfriend had to go home, so the other friend (a male) and I started the trek back to my place. We stopped in a wooded area of the bike path for a moment... and he raped me. Perhaps I was still considered a virgin before that point simply because of how young I was and God couldn't possibly consider a child sinful. But this time, I knew. The pastor said it. My parents said it. Others preached it. If you lose your virginity outside of marriage, you're a sinner. I was 16, and I was going to hell because something happened that I did not ask for or consent to.

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Earlier tonight I posed the question of whether or not losing ones virginity was the same as being sexually immoral. I had some definitive "YES" responses. And had one chastise me for the way I worded the question because most people equate sin with willful action (something rape and molestation are not). As an adult, I am aware of this. But when I was a child? When I was a teenager? When I was in the trauma of being raped and molested? There was no difference. If someone told me having sex or losing ones virginity was sin, then I was the biggest sinner around. And, as a teenager in the aftermath of a rape trauma, now believing I was a major, un-savable sinner?

As Christians, we are entrusted with God's Word, and with making sure it is never used to harm another person. We are entrusted with teaching God's Truth. We are entrusted with looking out for each other... for loving both our neighbors and our enemies. This means using caution with our use of Scripture. Scripture should never be used to kick someone down.

And, as unintentional as it often is, making a blanket statement that losing one's virginity is a sin... this is kicking people down. This is using God's Word as a sword. It is causing some young girl to commit suicide, or start being promiscuous (she's already a sinful whore for losing her virginity.... might as well keep going...) or start doing drugs or start drinking or get into an abusive relationship.

It is good to spread God's Word.... we're supposed to do so. We just need to make sure we're doing so responsibly.

Honor Thy Father and Mother?

Last week's virtue from my devotional was Listening... Listening to Him, to His call, for His Spirit, to each other, with honor, and to life. Reading and praying on these topics was actually rather helpful for me. Each one brought a lot of ideas of posts, but time prevented me from sitting and writing. But then I read the one regarding listening with honor. I almost didn't make it through that one. It was only one page, like the others. And it was the same scripture (Proverbs 1:1-9) that a few of the others had been about. But they threw in one more Scripture reading - Exodus 20:12

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

 This one verse has haunted me for years. It has been the one verse I've wanted stripped from the Bible all together. 

My parents used to quote this one verse quite often. They'd break pretty much every commandment, but then quote this one verse. 

When I finally found the courage to tell someone what was going on - my pastor - he quoted this one verse. 

I grew up being punched, kicked, called fat and good for nothing, being told I would never amount to anything. I was told my only chance was to be a whore - that's the closest thing I'd find to love. I was starved for a couple days at a time, drug out of bed by my hair at 2 am to be pushed down the stairs, thrown out of the house when I was ten in the middle of a Minnesota winter. I was forced to clean up my own vomit if I couldn't make it to the bathroom when I had the stomach flu. I was burned with cigarettes, and made to drink alcohol. I had my face slammed into walls, and heavy objects thrown at me. 

And I'm supposed to honor these people!?!? 

But, the devotional explained this in a rather interesting way - one I hadn't considered before. Our parents do teach us... even if they're bad parents. Good, godly parents, teach us how to live. By listening to them, and following them, we learn how to also be good, godly people. Bad, dangerous, ungodly parents? They also teach us how to live - or rather, how not to live. By listening to them we can still learn how to be good, godly people. 

And, this is true. I can't hit my children, or in any way hurt them. I never tell them they're worthless. I encourage them in all they do, or want to do. I hate when people use their abuse as an excuse to abuse. Those who do that - they weren't listening. They were blindly following. But I listened - not just to what my parents did, as a way of seeing what not to do, but also to God and to how He wanted me to live. I am not a perfect parent. I'm not even close. But I did learn. More than I ever realized. 

And, by learning to listen to parents like this, I learned how to listen to others - friends, family, coworkers, children, and even enemies. I learned to love others - all of these groups of "others." 

"In our listening, we learn. But we also gain - a blessed garb of empowered honor." (God's Great Blessings, Patricia Raybon).

 

The Devil Made Me Do It!

As a child, when I was being abused, my step-mother often brought up the fact that she was abused. That was her excuse for her behavior towards her children. She actually took it a step farther, telling us about how she had it so much worse than we did.

When I was a young adult, I had a neighbor who smacked her one year old. The excuse she gave me - "I was abused as a child. Studies have been done that prove people who were abused will abuse."

When I was a very young child, I was molested for a few years by a friend of my father's. The man had a speech impediment, and this was an acceptable excuse for what he did.

My father abusing us children blamed it on the fact that he suffers from codependency.

An abusive ex-boyfriend? He suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder.

And the worst blame-game? On the news, kids go into schools and open fire. The excuse - "God has a plan."

Everyone has an excuse. Everyone points a finger elsewhere.

The Devil Made Me Do It!

Oh how I wish I could use that excuse and just be excused from everything. Oh wait! I have something better... I can just use my Borderline Personality Disorder and/or my depression to get away with things. I forgot - I can simply snap, losing my temper because someone rejected me, and I can go into a rage and hurt people... and shrug my shoulders. "My BPD made me do it!"

Please, please, please do not get me wrong. BPD , codependency, Antisocial Personality Disorder... these are all serious and honest disorders. Depression is a serious and honest disorder. But these things are treatable. They do not define who you are. And they should not be allowed to be an excuse for bad behavior. I have had these excuses used to dismiss some very horrendous actions that were done to me. I will never use them to dismiss any action - no matter how slight or serious - that I do against others. It is an explanation of why I may do some stupid things, but it is not an excuse.

But My Disease is Not a Sin!

Of course it's not a sin. The disease, disorder, issue, problem, history, past, whatever - in itself, it is not a sin. But your actions (whether exaggerated because of a disease or not) are sinful. I cannot sleep with the football team because I wanted to feel loved... and then say "oh, it was just my disorder." My disorder might have limited the control I had on my emotions and subsequent actions... but my actions were still a sin. You cannot write that off.

Good News! 

There is good news though! Actually... there is Great news! Jesus didn't just come to save the mentally healthy (if He did, there would be very very few who actually would be saved). Jesus came to save all of us. Our sins are forgiven. We do not need to live in guilt and shame for sleeping with that football team. We do not need to suffer from the sins we committed which happened because of our compromised control.

God wants us to TRY to avoid sin. We're to try to live godly lives. But He knows we are not capable of succeeding. And He does understand that some of us have a much more difficult time of controlling our sinful behavior. But as long as we are putting forth an effort... as long as we are not simply pointing the finger at something else... God knows, understands, forgives, loves, and blesses us.

I Need a Daddy to Cry To

 

 "Children often run to a parent and just want to be held as they cry over whatever it may be. We are God's children and sometimes we need to do the same."

I reread those words a few times last night. And again today. It's a bit funny to me how one's reaction to something differs each time it's read. 

The first time, I shrugged it off as someone grasping at something to say to me during one of my depressive little fits. I'd emailed him, all depressed, seeking... I don't know what. Comfort? Advice? Just the knowledge that someone was there? And he was answering. 

Then I read it again, and tried to recall a time when I actually felt I could go cry to my parents and have them hold me. No such memory appeared. Maybe, before my dad married again, I was able to go to him for comfort. I'm sure I was, although no such time comes to mind. Did he hold me and comfort me when he found out I'd been sexually abused for years by his friend? I don't think so. What about something more simple - did he offer comfort when I tripped over my beach towel and needed stitches in my forehead (note: never use a towel as a jump rope in the middle of a road)? Again, I don't think so. 

I read it again. Maybe he's right. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe that's why, for no apparent reason, I found myself drawn to the church. Maybe that's why I sat in the sanctuary, in the back pew, hands folded, and tears falling down my cheeks. I didn't have any words to pray to God. I wasn't looking for any answers, signs, advice, etc. I was just there, crying. Maybe I was simply seeking the comforting arms of a father.

Today, I read his words again. And again. Each time, things becoming clearer. I could feel the sadness creeping in even more. But wait. This was different. This wasn't my depression. This was a sadness, accompanied by knowledge, and a bit of comfort and peace.

I could hear the words again that had been spoken quite adamantly to me several months ago... "You are a beloved child of God."

 

I don't think I've ever realized what I am missing in regards to a father. I had a dad. My mom left when I was 2 years old, leaving my dad to raise two young girls. I remember having the admiration you hear about when it comes to young girls with their dads. I was most definitely a daddy's girl. Well, actually, I was more daddy's little tomboy. I worked on the car with him, and carpentry. I wanted to be just like him. He was my hero.

Of course, that was through a child's eyes. He was actually a recovering alcoholic with many issues - most specifically, depression. He was in and out of hospitals those first 8 years of my life. But, I still see those years as he being a good dad. Even if he didn't realize his best friend was hurting me... he was still a good dad. Even if he couldn't always be there.. he was still a good dad.

But then he got married. And things got bad. Through the following years which were filled with intense physical and emotional abuse (including by my father), I still sought my dad's approval. I still desperately needed my daddy - his support, and love, and acceptance, and the safety he was supposed to provide. And he continuously kicked me down (actually, quite literally), and turned his back on me, and emotionally abandoned me. Every now and then, I'd see the man I recalled from my early years. I held on to these moments.

It's actually kind of strange... when I think back to my childhood years, regarding how I looked at my dad, versus how I looked at God - it was pretty much the same. As a young child, I remember holding God quite high in my thoughts. I wanted to please God. I loved saying bedtime prayers, and going to church and Sunday School. I loved God. As I got older, part of me still wanted to please Him, but more and more a large part of me felt like He had abandoned me. He wasn't there for me the way God should be - the way a Father should be.

Do we all do this? Does our view of God reflect what are feelings are for our fathers? Maybe this is why I find it such a struggle now, as an adult, to comprehend God's place in my life and what kind of a God He is. I have unintentionally clung for so long to Him being like my earthly father, that I do not truly know Him for the Father he is.

Am I still seeking some resemblance of an earthly father? Is this what causes me to act so irrationally at times in regards to certain people? Am I looking for a daddy whose shoulder I can cry on? One who will hold me when life gets to be too much? One who will let me stumble, but will always be there to catch me, the way a father should?

Maybe, just maybe, I need a daddy to cry to. Maybe, it's time I let God be that Father.

The Only Bra that Works - The Christian Bra!

It was recently said to me, "I hope you have a strong Christian support group to turn to." I found it rather offensive (no offense to the person who said it) that the word "Christian" had to be thrown in this statement.

When I was 12, I was almost raped. My parents intervened, and told me flat out that I must have been acting like a whore for this to have happened. My parents were good Christian, church-going folk. A few years later, I was almost raped in a seldom-used hallway in my high school. My God-fearing guidance counselor told me "it takes two to tango" when I reported the event. So, the summer before I turned 17, when I was raped in the park by a "friend" of mine (also a good church-going Christian, might I add), I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to be blamed yet again.

Now then, let me back up just a little... around the time when I was 14 or so, I had turned my parents in for child abuse (a whole other story which you can find snippets of in my blog) to my pastor. He told me I must honor my father and my mother... and then proceeded to tell them the "lies" I had told him, which ended up with me nearly being hospitalized. Obviously, this was not a place to go when help was needed. After I was raped, I felt like I had no one I could trust who would actually believe me and give me the comfort and support I needed.

Fast forward a bit... the fall after I was raped, I still still only 16 at the time, but I started college (full time college for high school credit). I never stepped foot in the high school again other than necessary conversations with my guidance counselor, and occasional meetings with another counselor whom was more friend to me than anything else. Instead, I got wrapped up in college life. The friends I made - some were very devout Christians, some were atheists, one particularly wonderful young lady was Islam, and many just didn't know what they were. They were still trying to figure that out.

But each one - regardless of race, color, creed, religion, etc - each one of them gave me more support and love than I had ever thought I deserved. Of course, by this time, I was pretty broken and thought myself beyond any form of redemption... but they still tried. They held me when I cried. They loved me when I intentionally cut myself. They dropped everything they were doing to help me through one of my suicide attempts. They risked repercussions by hiding me in their dorm rooms when I ran away from home.

This wasn't a Christian support group. This was an incredibly comforting and supportive group of friends. It didn't matter if they were Christian. It didn't matter if they spoke of Jesus or Allah or the fates. And, this was the wonderful thing about this group - no one hid their beliefs. No one pushed their beliefs on the others... and no one felt they had to hide what they did believe. No one feared judgement or felt a need to pass judgement. They held each others hand when needed, and gave them that friendly smack upside the head when that's what was needed.

I guess my point to this whole little tale... you don't need a Christian support group to get through life's problems. In my opinion, you do need Christ... but your friends do not need to be Christian. I just pray anyone who is experiencing or has experienced any tragedy - abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), rape, suicidal thoughts, depression, mental/emotional/personality disorders, the death of a loved one, etc. - I pray you have a Support Group. I pray you have friends who will lift you up and carry you when you need it. It doesn't matter if these people believe in God, Allah, or the dust mites under their bed... just so long as they believe that you deserve love and are willing to show that love to you.

God bless each of you!

Random Thoughts

This past weekend and last couple days have been a little crazy for me. It's had its crazy ups and even crazier downs. Things have gone from "hey! I'm having a great day!" to "hey! I wanna jump off the nearest bridge!" to "hey! I think I've come up with the secrets to the inside of my mind!"

Yes, it has been insane. And, I was finding that reading blog posts was causing more chaos. So, I stepped away for a few days. And now today, I've come back and tried reading some, and have found myself rather irritated with many of these posts - irritated for really no good reason. But, because there are so many random thoughts zipping around, I'm finding it hard to write a structurally sound blog post of my own.

Therefore... Random Thoughts....

1 - just because you don't drink, smoke, swear, or have sex does NOT make you better than anyone else. Any of these on their own are not evil. You aren't going to hell because you had a glass of beer.

2 - just because you believe in God, does not mean life is perfect. Just because your life is in shambles, doesn't mean you don't believe enough.

3 - applauding a child for judging people for the way they dress is, in my opinion, much worse then how the people dress. God says we are not to judge.

4 - women are NOT possessions. We are not to remain silent. And we are NOT beneath men. This kind of thinking sets women up to be raped and abused.

5 - Catholic priest sexually abuses child... these stories really anger me on more than just the sexual abuse level. I try to not judge people based on actions of a few... Catholic priests make it incredibly difficult to follow this policy of mine.

6 - television, music, video games - these alone do not scar children or turn them into murderers/rapists. Unsupervised children exposed to these without getting any kind of teaching... that leads to scarred children and turns them into murderers/rapists. 

7 - I am apparently incredibly opinionated. Someone who's known me for 20 years blames my recent involvement in church for this trait. I say she has apparently been blind the last 20 years.

8 - I love debating. And this is usually a really bad thing. Especially when it's a topic I feel strongly (am highly opinionated) about.

9 - personality disorders are definitely not fun to deal with. They really mess with pretty much every aspect of your life.

10 - consistently telling someone they are wrong in regards to how the see the Bible, God, and their relationship with the Lord is only going to steer them AWAY from God. Everyone sees things a little different. Everyone has their own opinions. Everyone worships in their own way. Everyone holds different things as important in their relationship. Who are any of us to tell them they are wrong in how they hold onto our Lord?

And, I do believe a few of these points MAY end up as full posts, if I can ever calm the chaos in my mind long enough to focus.

God bless

Beloved Child?

She was only four years old when her father's friend asked her to come watch cartoons with him. She hesitated. She didn't want to. She knew what he really wanted. But, her father had always taught her to obey her elders. She closed her eyes, escaping to that perfect world within in her mind, blocking out the touch of his hands, and what he was forcing her to do.

She was only eight years old the first time her step mother got truly angry with her. She hadn't washed her hands as thoroughly as the mother had wanted. The little girl stood there against the wall as the mother grabbed her hair and slammed her head into the wall.

She was only 10 years old the day her father caved to the wishes of mother. Mother had gotten angry, believing the girl was hiding something...that she had a secret. She backhanded the girl across the face. Then did it again. She grabbed her roughly by the shoulders, slamming her into the wall, then tossing her to the floor like a rag doll. Mother's foot connected with her ribs, her legs. Father stepped in at that point... tried to stop the woman. "Fine. She's your daughter. You deal with her." is all she said. Father hesitated, then proceeded to kick the child.

She was only 12 years old when her mother made sure she understood that the only way she'd survive in the world was to  have sex with men... she had nothing else going for her. No brains. No looks. No personality. No talent.

There were many more incidents. At least four years of sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted family friend. Ten years of severe physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her parents.

Where was God?

For years, I asked this question. My parents made me go to church every Sunday. I went to Sunday School as a child, then 3 years of pre-confirmation and 3 years of confirmation classes. I taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. I helped old ladies clean their houses and plant their gardens. And how was I rewarded for my service? With scars and bruises - the worst of which could not be seen.

After the horrible school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, I asked the question - why does God allow this stuff to happen? Where is he in all this? And I received a relatively decent answer.... God doesn't do these acts. Shootings and other tragedies in life are the work of Satan/man. But, I was told that God was there holding the lifeless bodies of the lost children, and holding close the family and friends of the lost. This is all well and good.

It's also good to know that for the several years of abuse, God was there with me. Every punch and kick. Every time I was drug down the stairs by my hair. Every time I was molested and raped. God was there.

And God did nothing.

A few months ago, I was told I am a beloved child of God. How can I be a beloved child and yet he still allows this abuse to happen? How can he claim to be a loving Father if he allows this abuse to happen? How can any parent claim to be a loving parent if they allow this? If my children were being abused, would I not step in to stop it? Would I not do whatever was needed to end their suffering?

But, God didn't.

This was part of what drew me away from God for many years. I couldn't believe He existed, because if he WAS real, he wouldn't have made me suffer so much. Now, I do believe. And I do love and praise Him. No, I don't have the answers of why he would allow these horrific acts. But I do know he was there beside me throughout the pain and suffering.

And, most days, I do believe I'm a beloved child of God. Tonight is just not one of those times.

Wives, Submit to Your Husbands

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

According to Merriam-Webster, Submit means a : to yield oneself to the authority or will of another. Therefore, wives must surrender to the authority of their husbands. 

1 Corinthians 7:4 (NIV)

4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.

Earlier in this chapter, it also states that women must perform their marital duties.

1 Corinthians 7:10-17 (NIV)

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

There are other verses which do explain that a man may divorce his wife if there is unfaithfulness in the marriage. But otherwise, divorce is not an acceptable practice.


So, basically speaking - a woman must obey her husband. She must submit to him, including sexually, and she must never leave him unless he's unfaithful.

In general, I wouldn't argue with such statements. Although, as a woman of the 21st century, the concept of obeying our husbands is a bit of a stretch, the rest of this does have merit.

But what if he abuses her? What if he calls her names, and degrades her? What if he rapes her?

The Bible does say that husbands should treat their wives with love and respect. But no where (that I could find) does it say abusing her is wrong. And no where does it say it's ok for a wife to leave her husband (or vice-versa) because of spousal abuse.

I'd love to hear others thoughts on this subject...