The Devil Made Me Do It!

As a child, when I was being abused, my step-mother often brought up the fact that she was abused. That was her excuse for her behavior towards her children. She actually took it a step farther, telling us about how she had it so much worse than we did.

When I was a young adult, I had a neighbor who smacked her one year old. The excuse she gave me - "I was abused as a child. Studies have been done that prove people who were abused will abuse."

When I was a very young child, I was molested for a few years by a friend of my father's. The man had a speech impediment, and this was an acceptable excuse for what he did.

My father abusing us children blamed it on the fact that he suffers from codependency.

An abusive ex-boyfriend? He suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder.

And the worst blame-game? On the news, kids go into schools and open fire. The excuse - "God has a plan."

Everyone has an excuse. Everyone points a finger elsewhere.

The Devil Made Me Do It!

Oh how I wish I could use that excuse and just be excused from everything. Oh wait! I have something better... I can just use my Borderline Personality Disorder and/or my depression to get away with things. I forgot - I can simply snap, losing my temper because someone rejected me, and I can go into a rage and hurt people... and shrug my shoulders. "My BPD made me do it!"

Please, please, please do not get me wrong. BPD , codependency, Antisocial Personality Disorder... these are all serious and honest disorders. Depression is a serious and honest disorder. But these things are treatable. They do not define who you are. And they should not be allowed to be an excuse for bad behavior. I have had these excuses used to dismiss some very horrendous actions that were done to me. I will never use them to dismiss any action - no matter how slight or serious - that I do against others. It is an explanation of why I may do some stupid things, but it is not an excuse.

But My Disease is Not a Sin!

Of course it's not a sin. The disease, disorder, issue, problem, history, past, whatever - in itself, it is not a sin. But your actions (whether exaggerated because of a disease or not) are sinful. I cannot sleep with the football team because I wanted to feel loved... and then say "oh, it was just my disorder." My disorder might have limited the control I had on my emotions and subsequent actions... but my actions were still a sin. You cannot write that off.

Good News! 

There is good news though! Actually... there is Great news! Jesus didn't just come to save the mentally healthy (if He did, there would be very very few who actually would be saved). Jesus came to save all of us. Our sins are forgiven. We do not need to live in guilt and shame for sleeping with that football team. We do not need to suffer from the sins we committed which happened because of our compromised control.

God wants us to TRY to avoid sin. We're to try to live godly lives. But He knows we are not capable of succeeding. And He does understand that some of us have a much more difficult time of controlling our sinful behavior. But as long as we are putting forth an effort... as long as we are not simply pointing the finger at something else... God knows, understands, forgives, loves, and blesses us.

Random Thoughts

This past weekend and last couple days have been a little crazy for me. It's had its crazy ups and even crazier downs. Things have gone from "hey! I'm having a great day!" to "hey! I wanna jump off the nearest bridge!" to "hey! I think I've come up with the secrets to the inside of my mind!"

Yes, it has been insane. And, I was finding that reading blog posts was causing more chaos. So, I stepped away for a few days. And now today, I've come back and tried reading some, and have found myself rather irritated with many of these posts - irritated for really no good reason. But, because there are so many random thoughts zipping around, I'm finding it hard to write a structurally sound blog post of my own.

Therefore... Random Thoughts....

1 - just because you don't drink, smoke, swear, or have sex does NOT make you better than anyone else. Any of these on their own are not evil. You aren't going to hell because you had a glass of beer.

2 - just because you believe in God, does not mean life is perfect. Just because your life is in shambles, doesn't mean you don't believe enough.

3 - applauding a child for judging people for the way they dress is, in my opinion, much worse then how the people dress. God says we are not to judge.

4 - women are NOT possessions. We are not to remain silent. And we are NOT beneath men. This kind of thinking sets women up to be raped and abused.

5 - Catholic priest sexually abuses child... these stories really anger me on more than just the sexual abuse level. I try to not judge people based on actions of a few... Catholic priests make it incredibly difficult to follow this policy of mine.

6 - television, music, video games - these alone do not scar children or turn them into murderers/rapists. Unsupervised children exposed to these without getting any kind of teaching... that leads to scarred children and turns them into murderers/rapists. 

7 - I am apparently incredibly opinionated. Someone who's known me for 20 years blames my recent involvement in church for this trait. I say she has apparently been blind the last 20 years.

8 - I love debating. And this is usually a really bad thing. Especially when it's a topic I feel strongly (am highly opinionated) about.

9 - personality disorders are definitely not fun to deal with. They really mess with pretty much every aspect of your life.

10 - consistently telling someone they are wrong in regards to how the see the Bible, God, and their relationship with the Lord is only going to steer them AWAY from God. Everyone sees things a little different. Everyone has their own opinions. Everyone worships in their own way. Everyone holds different things as important in their relationship. Who are any of us to tell them they are wrong in how they hold onto our Lord?

And, I do believe a few of these points MAY end up as full posts, if I can ever calm the chaos in my mind long enough to focus.

God bless

God Made Me Wrong

I think most of us have felt we were made "wrong" at one point or another. Perhaps it's something simple - we're too short, too tall... we have a crooked nose or misshapen skull. Maybe it's something more serious - we were born without both legs, or with a sixth finger. Maybe it's internal - we were born with a disease, or a heart defect. Physical problems and differences can cause all of us to think we're not normal - that maybe God messed up when he made us.

This feeling is especially true in those of us who were born with psychological and/or personality disorders. And I am willing to bet everyone reading this either a) has a disorder or b) knows someone who does. It's much more common that one would think.

One personality disorder comes to mind more than most when I think about the different disorders - Borderline Personality Disorder. But, the majority of this post can be applied to most all disorders. A lot of people often look at people with BPD as either faking the disorder, exaggerating it, or - they believe it, but believe that it is caused by either the person being spiritually weak, or possessed by something evil.

Imagine you have BPD - you have a constant and uncontrollable fear of abandonment; intensely unstable emotions and relationships. One moment, you're having a rational conversation with someone you love - the next moment you hate this person and lash out, while begging the person not to leave. You feel empty, depressed... you try to help these feelings by cutting yourself, or popping pills, or drinking, or seducing strangers into your bed.

And when your brain isn't in turmoil, and the chaos is temporarily under control, you see how people really think of you - the way they back away. You hear them talking behind your back about you being evil, or not having a relationship with God. Or just thinking you're weird. And, you start to think (or, rather, continue to think) that God made you wrong.

First, allow me to say that most people with BPD are highly religious. Prayer, and a relationship with God, is a comfort to their chaotic minds.Philippians 4:6-7 tells it nicely - and is quite important, especially the last part... "and the peace of God.... will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This said...

When is the last time you looked down on someone who just didn't seem "right"? When is the last time you cut someone out of your life because you couldn't deal with the drama.. you couldn't deal with the "I hate you! Don't leave me!" attitude? How many times have you looked at someone and thought "wow, God made that person wrong." Maybe you don't even realize you're thinking it. Maybe you don't realize how much you're hurting this person by your decision to walk away and/or ignore this strange person.

God created man in his image... we may not be "perfect" in physical appearance, or in our minds, but we are all created by God, in his image. Our souls - our hearts - those are in God's image, and capable of greatness. Do not dismiss someone simply because that person does not look or act quite right.

Would you stop to help the person with the missing leg? Would you stop to help the person born without sight? Would you stop to help the person on an oxygen tank?

So why won't you stop to help the person who's just a little over-dramatic and high maintenance?