The concept of a God who loved me and held me close, despite my sins? A God who listened to the prayers of a sinful child? A God who did not cause disaster and illness and abuse, but rather comforted those who were affected by these things? This was all foreign. This was, as I was told quite often, a false God. God was vengeful and to be feared. He was not this false God of love and comfort and hope.
Current Issues with Past Belief in the Wrong God
I have learned a great deal in the past few years - the biggest lesson being that I was believing in and worshiping the wrong god. And, this has caused many questions and issues and fighting against and disbelief and confusion...
If you're taught for 30+ years that your depression is your own fault as a punishment of your sins; or that your family is going through health issues because you're a sinner; or that natural disaster has affected you or those you love because you're not worthy of God's protection - you're going to believe it. And changing that thought process is going to cause upheaval in your own mind and heart. If you're taught for 30+ years that you're unworthy of God's love, and unworthy of anyone else' love, and will never be loved, you're going to believe it. Changing that thought process is a painstaking task of rewiring the brain.
Obstacles Caused, Questions Raised, and Can We Truly Move on from the Brainwashing?
But, even if you can move beyond that, there are many other obstacles - particularly when it comes to Christianity.
I hear all the time, "just give your troubles to God"... "trust in God"... "pick up your cross and follow Him"... "Run to God, not from Him"... and the list goes on.
But what does any of this mean? How do you simply "give your troubles to God"? Especially when part of you still believes He gave those problems to you? How do you simply "trust in God"? How do you run to Him when you're nothing but a lowly sinner? How do you pray for your own well-being when you know you do not deserve anything?
I have, at times, asked these questions to others. The response is generally one of confusion. "You just do." But I would truly love to understand what it means... what it looks like... how you do it.
People will teach you about this loving God, but they do not teach you how to overcome that brainwashing or how you lay it all at God's feet. They don't answer the question, "but isn't that selfish/sinful?"
Or maybe there are no answers, and I was believing in the right god all along.
Ah yes, confusion clutters the mind today.