A little over 4 and a half years ago, I was Charlie from this story. At least, I was when it came to being a part of a church. In a way. I was "drugged" so to speak. Before the moment spoken about in the links to come, I did claim to be Christian, but it was in the Spiritual but not Religious sense. The weekend spoken about in the following links changed that...
Reflections and Surprises (pt 1)
Reflections and Surprises (pt 2)
Suddenly, I did want to be a part of a Christian community. I wanted a church family. But as I first started entering the church world, I was still fighting it. I immediately saw things I didn't like...
Dear Pastors
Dear Pastors (clarified)
But I still tried. For 4 years I tried. For 4 years I did believe. Even though I heard rumors here and there, I still believed. I believed that the Church was the answer. It was where I was meant to be. It was a place of support. It was a place of love and comfort.
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In the past month, I have been like Charlie - the treatment has worn out. It's disappeared. And like him, I'm back to how I was, but with the memory of how it was.
All those lies that have been spoken in the past several years are still there. All the slander that has happened in the past several years is still there. But 4.5 years ago, I never truly appreciated it for the evil it was. Now, it's still there. And I feel it. Every bit of it.
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A couple weeks ago, I realized this and realized the potential damage it could cause. So I quit teaching Sunday School.I gave up the children I love so dearly so protect both them and my own family.
A few days ago, I realized that wasn't enough. I ended up in a severe panic attack that left me unresponsive, not breathing, and requiring an ambulance.
I gave up the rest of my church stuff. And was approached by a church member who was upset that I gave up cleaning the church. She didn't care that I gave up the rest... but, in her words.... "There are a lot of people who don't bother coming to church, but still do their responsibility."
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Like Charlie, I have suddenly realized that I am not worthy. Yes, there have been a few to chime in recently. But most have always held the belief that I do not belong in the church. And while I was blinded by some notion that I do belong... those blinders have come off.
“I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.”
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
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For the past 4.5 years (and probably longer)... while I thought I was being a desired part of this church, I have found out that I was the cause of one pastor leaving; I am a drunk; I dance slutty; I have had affairs; I have somehow coerced pastors/leaders into doing my bidding; I have inappropriate relationships with others; wives hate me; I am unworthy; I should not be part of this church.
I do feel alone.
Especially when the truth is that yes, I am unworthy. I can't financially support my family. I try but fail at taking care of my disabled husband (whom, by the way, is wheel chair bound, and passes out/has seizures on a daily basis). I can't buy my children Christmas presents this year. I can't even afford to pay my mortgage that is 2 months overdue. I couldn't even afford a thanksgiving dinner this year, and my family will be lucky if they get a dinner of hot dogs of mac & cheese for Christmas. I have had to miss work because of my emotional state. I can't enter my church without crying. I have lost what few friends I have because my responsibilities are my family first. I am on the brink of a complete emotional break down.
“Its easy to make frends if you let pepul laff at you.”
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
To answer the question posed in "Flowers for Algernon" - it is much worse to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone. And yet I still don't know if I could throw that all away to know what I am and be happy.
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I do seriously thank those very few who've reached out to me. I do wish I could be what you want. But until there is a drastic change... I cannot be and will not be. There are some very beautiful and wonderful people there. But until people are willing to stand up and say that this is wrong - until they're willing to realize they are chasing so many people away from God... until people have the courage to go after the lost sheep without badmouthing those lost sheep....that place is not God's house. And I need God's house.
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“The path I choose through the maze makes me what I am. I am not only a thing, but also a way of being--one of many ways--and knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming.”
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
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