Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I Hear You - But What Are You Saying!?

I really haven't changed much. Not in the last year... the last 10 years... the last 20. I still cuss like a sailor. I still enjoy a shot of whiskey a little too much. I still feel that anger and hatred in my heart. I still hate myself. I still push people away, and cause them pain.

But, my family thinks I've lost my marbles. They think I've changed. I go to church. I write Christian-based blog posts. I speak to and of pastors with appreciation rather than disdain.

So which is it? Have I truly changed?

Interesting question. I don't know. In some ways, yes. In some ways, no. In some ways, I'm trying not to... and yet the voice within my soul - or perhaps just speaking to my soul - is getting louder.

I've felt it rather than heard it for nearly a year now. It started last May. I remember exactly when and where I first noticed it. At the time, I didn't fully recognize it for what it was. And, I still don't understand fully what it is. I just know it is getting louder. But, I can't understand what this voice is telling me.

I do know this voice is God. After almost 11 months, I have finally come to understand and accept this. But I don't know what He wants from me. I do know He wants me writing.  How do I know this? Because all my life I have been a writer. I have been propelled to paper or computer by a deep-seated need within my head. It is how I have always made sense of the chaos living up there. But this... these posts I've been writing for the past 11 months (or, most of them anyway)... these have been brought forth by something else. The need to write hasn't been coming from my head.

But why? What does God want from me? I hear Him... but what is He saying? Where is He leading me?

I'm trying not to focus on it so much. Not to worry on it. God will take me where He wants to take me. But... I do focus. I do worry. I don't like surprises in my life. I don't like change - especially of the unexpected, unplanned kind. I want to know what is happening and when and especially why. Oh yes, definitely want to know why.

And so I get frustrated. And confused. And my brain takes over (the crazy chaotic one... not the rational (yeah, like I have a rational side) one).

Have you ever walked through a haunted house... or even just a dark creepy alley... and you just know there is going to be something around the corner waiting to jump out at you? You tense. Your senses are all on overload, to the point where any little whisper of the wind has you looking around? That's kind of how I'm feeling... just, not the fear part of that scenario. Just the hyper-intense anxiousness, and the curiosity that makes us keep walking.

How does one know truly what God is calling them to do? I know He wants me for something more, but I can't understand him. Can anyone answer this? And please... while I do realize "pray" is the most likely answer to "how can I know what He's calling me to do"... I'm looking for just a little bit more...

Speaking of being called by God.... stay tuned for another post tonight...

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