Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Maybe It's a Me Thing

Maybe it's just a me thing... 

When I was a preteen/teenager, I didn't deal well with my own high emotions (and those who know me, I hear you thinking "you still don't". Knock it off and keep reading...). Anger, hurt, rejection, fear... it was too much for me to handle. And so I took it out on things - usually trees. I'd punch them until the pain and anger subsided.

At times, and often subconsciously, I'd also strike out at people. Not physically, but emotionally/verbally. And throughout my life, I've often also found myself striking out at God. 

In my last post, I talked about how it's okay to question God and be angry with Him. And I do believe this.  While yes, the Bible does warn us about anger, anger is a natural emotion. We all feel it. We all find ways to express it. And this is okay, as long as you're not hurting anyone. Which brings me to my point...

Who are we really trying to hurt? 

When I punch a tree, the tree doesn't feel it. The tree can take it. But me? My knuckles end up scraped and hurting.

When I figuratively/emotionally punch a person, I choose someone whom I know won't feel it. I choose someone I know can take it. But me? Guilt, fear, and loneliness often follow.

When I strike out at God, it doesn't faze Him. He's God. He can take it. But me? With each attack on God, I find myself slipping further away from Him.

I choose to strike out when I know the only thing being hurt is myself.

Self-loathing = Pride?

I used to get irritated by people who were so full of pride in themselves. Didn't they know that pride is a sin? It's selfish, self-centered, and just plain annoying. Thank God I wasn't like that.

Instead, I'm a horrible person. I'm bad. I'm a sinner. I can never be good enough. I can never do enough good. I hate who I am. I hate how I am. I deserve the pain I inflict on myself. I... I... I...

am selfish and self-centered (and probably just plain annoying).

The point of this post...

There isn't one. It's just a personal rambling because I realized that the things, people and God I beat on don't feel it. They don't care. All I'm doing is hurting myself and driving myself further into my own little world of isolation, and driving myself further from God.

It's a me thing.

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