Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Happy and Don't Deserve It
This last weekend was wonderful. Friday night was VBS. After running in 20 directions taking care of kids, the pastor, my daughter, a friend, and I enjoyed some Subway sandwiches and rearranged the set design. Saturday morning was VBS again, followed again by rearranging the set. As soon as I finally got home, Tyler, Alex and I visited Cassie, and then went shopping (OMG I'm back in a size 3!!!). Got home and had a bonfire with a couple friends. It was a great time (and a very late night). Sunday morning - VBS/Church service. And that night, another bonfire with another person I am beginning to consider a great and trusted friend.It wasn't as late of a night, but was still much needed.
Today... woke up at 7 to my alarm not feeling well at all. Changed my alarm to 8. Still crappy. Tried 9... no go. Emailed work finally that I wouldn't be coming in. Went back to sleep again until about 2pm. Spent some wonderful cuddle time with my husband.... then a bit after 4 Cassie came over. We had a great time visiting even though I still wasn't feeling the greatest. After she left, the rest of us went cruising in the truck.
It really was a wonderful time. But, once it was all over, I realized that I'm just depressed. I'm down. I'm crying and wanting to just run away.
Why? Because I'm happy. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve all the blessings I've been given.
It's so difficult being in this place. No one can truly understand unless they've been here. The more people who care about me, the most I want to hide. The more love I receive, the more I believe it's all fake. The more happiness I experience, the more I realize just how unworthy I am.
VBS this year, whenever one of us leaders would say that God is always with us, the kids would shout "believe it!". What do you do though when you do believe it, but you don't think He should be? How does one get past all the crap and accept that one does indeed deserve it? Or maybe that's not the point. Maybe we don't need to accept that we deserve it, but rather recognize that we don't, but He still is here with us. I just don't know anymore. I feel lost. My heart is aching and I don't know why I keep trying to sabotage the joy and peace that comes into my life.