John 17:3 - And this is eternal life, that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.The concept of knowing God... of understanding him, and becoming closer to him... has been on my mind a great deal as of late. I do want to know him better. I want a closer relationship with him. But how?
In my past, I had my ways of getting closer to God... the main one was prayer. I would talk to God while out walking, while laying in bed, while showering or doing dishes or any other normal daily task.
Eventually, I added individual study. This means I would read articles regarding religion. I would read the articles which questioned the validity of the Bible, and the articles which supported this validity. I wasn't afraid to question things, and to try to find answers on both sides of the question.
Recently, church has been added. I used to attend church relatively regularly - when I was a child and teen. But this wasn't from choice. This was from the threat of abuse if I didn't not only attend, but be able to answer questions regarding the service and answer each question correctly. Once I left home, I had decided organized religion was a sham, and not necessary. Now, as I grow older and hopefully a bit more mature, I have come to realize that I do need church.
But, this still wasn't enough.
I have started helping with our town's youth group. I will soon (next Sunday) start helping with Sunday school (something I also used to do as a teenager). I help neighbors, friends, relatives, others whenever I can. I try to do what is good and right by God. But there is still a feeling within me that there is something more I need to be doing. There is some other purpose for me. God is leading me somewhere, but I have no clue where.
I did try going to Bible Study. On the one hand, I do feel I need to be at a Bible Study. But, I need one which is conducive to my learning and understanding and goal of knowing God. This is nothing against the women of the existing Bible Study. They are great women. But, I need a group which allows and encourages participation, one in which those attending aren't afraid to say "I don't agree with that." I need one which is willing to question, and help find the answers to those questions. I know there must be others who also want a Bible Study group which allows for discussions. I just have to find them. I even have a teenager who wants to babysit children while the mothers meet.
Thankfully, I do have a friend/pastor who is willing to answer some of my questions, or at least point me in the right direction to find these answers on my own. Hopefully this can continue, as I feel his guidance is helping lead me somewhere I need to be... I just wish I knew where that somewhere is. I know I need to have faith that God is leading me in the right direction. I can only pray that God gives me the courage to let myself be led, and the strength to face what he has in store for me.
I want to be able to share my story, hopefully reaching out to those still in the dark. I want to share the light that was recently given to me. I want those who are lost to know there is a way out. But I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to start. Maybe if I can get closer to God, continue learning and understanding and knowing him, I can find an answer... I can find a way.
I don't know why this is suddenly of such great importance to me. I just know it is. I know there is a purpose. There are some people who simply know when they are being called on by God. They know what they are supposed to be doing. I don't know. Is this even God calling on me, or am I simply hearing random voices again? Ah, so many questions. Please Lord, help me find the answers...