Finding Balance - Letting Go(d)

As some may have noticed, my writing has dwindled to a slow crawl these past few weeks. And what posts have been written, have been done so without the same passion or stirring of the hornet nest I'm usually accused of.

I am trying to find a balance - not just with life's never ending chaos of activities, but with my own feelings of God, life, love and purpose.  Especially with purpose. And for this reason, it is time to set aside Sermons from a Psycho, at least for now, as it is not serving a purpose. The blog will stay up. And I may return.

Until then, God bless.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NRSV)

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Pushing Past Rejection

Luke 10:16 - “Whoever listens to you listens to me; whoever rejects you rejects me; but whoever rejects me rejects him who sent me.”

Feeling rejected is something we all feel from time to time, some of us more than others. And, most of us have made someone else feel this way at one point or another - whether intentionally or nor. I know I have. I have seen the look of rejection and dejection on my children's faces before, often times when they feel I prefer one of their siblings ideas more, or if they believe I would rather spend my time with one of their siblings. I have never intentionally tried to make any of them feel this way, but I know I have.

And I know others have often been the cause of me feeling this way. Whether or not it is intentionally done, I cannot say. I would like to think that it is not intentional. But either way, it hurts. And when this rejection comes at a time when we are trying to do what we believe we are being called to do? This makes that rejection so much worse. And yet, while it does hurt, I find myself not wanting to dwell on it, but currently unable to push past it. It seems so selfish to concentrate on this rejection now, and yet, it's not easy to push past something which feels like a very personal attack against my very core.

I have never fully been accepted by social groups. Growing up, I was rejected by the popular kids, and by the nerds, and by the jocks, and by any other clique. I had a close friend or two, but never fit in when there was more than this one or two friends - even if that one or two was part of the group. his was the same when I went to college. Don't get me wrong - I made some wonderful friendships there... friendships which are still alive today, 20 years later. But I never fit in with these friends' groups. I always felt rejected by them.

This has been a recurring theme. And now? I have lived in this community for ten years, and I still feel marginalized. I still feel rejected. I am not of any importance in this town, and hold no power of any sort, and therefore my ideas and feelings are of no value. I have lived with this knowledge for some time, and shrugged it off. But lately, and especially today, I find this truth more difficult to bear.

As I stated in a prior entry, I feel like God is calling on me. He has a purpose for me... a path he wants me on... a journey and task(s) that I need to take care of. And I want to. I wish I knew exactly what it is he is asking of me, but I am trying to open myself up and trust in him. And, I am trying to become more active in the church. I want to be more active. I want to help out and reach out. And, I am not welcome. Today, to be so outright snubbed, by various people and for various reasons - it has me feeling so rejected. So dejected. It has me wondering if maybe I am not doing the right thing. Maybe I should not be opening myself up. Maybe I do belong on the outside looking in. I do not know if these rejections were intentional or not - as one came from someone whom I would almost consider a friend, I would like to hope it was not intentional, but I don't know.

Granted, I don't expect everyone to like me. And if I were trying to completely change the church and how it is run, I could understand a little rejection. But this is nothing like that. And today was not the first and only day. It's always been there. Today, I just noticed it much more. Perhaps it's because I felt my daughter was also subject to this rejection, which has only increased the feeling that maybe I should just crawl back into my hole.

I found a very good article on rejection - it explains why rejection hurts, and how those who were abused and rejected as children have a very difficult time with rejection (and perceived rejection). And it explains why we shouldn't allow ourselves to react to rejection. For those looking for a good bible study: http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/rejection.php.

 Basically, when we feel rejected, we need to remember: God doesn't reject us. He never rejects us. He will never reject us. Therefore, what does it matter if anyone else does? Of course, this is much easier said than done. But, I have a job to do, in God's name. And I must find the courage to push through, and the wisdom to work around (if not with) those who wish to marginalize me. I pray God gives me this courage and wisdom.

Getting to Know God

John 17:3 - And this is eternal life, that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. 

 The concept of knowing God... of understanding him, and becoming closer to him... has been on my mind a great deal as of late. I do want to know him better. I want a closer relationship with him. But how?

In my past, I had my ways of getting closer to God... the main one was prayer. I would talk to God while out walking, while laying in bed, while showering or doing dishes or any other normal daily task. 

Eventually, I added individual study. This means I would read articles regarding religion. I would read the articles which questioned the validity of the Bible, and the articles which supported this validity. I wasn't afraid to question things, and to try to find answers on both sides of the question. 

Recently, church has been added. I used to attend church relatively regularly - when I was a child and teen. But this wasn't from choice. This was from the threat of abuse if I didn't not only attend, but be able to answer questions regarding the service and answer each question correctly. Once I left home, I had decided organized religion was a sham, and not necessary. Now, as I grow older and hopefully a bit more mature, I have come to realize that I do need church. 

But, this still wasn't enough. 

I have started helping with our town's youth group. I will soon (next Sunday) start helping with Sunday school (something I also used to do as a teenager). I help neighbors, friends, relatives, others whenever I can. I try to do what is good and right by God. But there is still a feeling within me that there is something more I need to be doing. There is some other purpose for me. God is leading me somewhere, but I have no clue where. 

I did try going to Bible Study. On the one hand, I do feel I need to be at a Bible Study. But, I need one which is conducive to my learning and understanding and goal of knowing God. This is nothing against the women of the existing Bible Study. They are great women. But, I need a group which allows and encourages participation, one in which those attending aren't afraid to say "I don't agree with that." I need one which is willing to question, and help find the answers to those questions. I know there must be others who also want a Bible Study group which allows for discussions. I just have to find them. I even have a teenager who wants to babysit children while the mothers meet. 

Thankfully, I do have a friend/pastor who is willing to answer some of my questions, or at least point me in the right direction to find these answers on my own. Hopefully this can continue, as I feel his guidance is helping lead me somewhere I need to be... I just wish I knew where that somewhere is. I know I need to have faith that God is leading me in the right direction. I can only pray that God gives me the courage to let myself be led, and the strength to face what he has in store for me. 

I want to be able to share my story, hopefully reaching out to those still in the dark. I want to share the light that was recently given to me. I want those who are lost to know there is a way out. But I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to start. Maybe if I can get closer to God, continue learning and understanding and knowing him, I can find an answer... I can find a way. 

I don't know why this is suddenly of such great importance to me. I just know it is. I know there is a purpose. There are some people who simply know when they are being called on by God. They know what they are supposed to be doing. I don't know. Is this even God calling on me, or am I simply hearing random voices again? Ah, so many questions. Please Lord, help me find the answers...

A Time to Weep, and a Time to Laugh

I haven't much been in the mood to write recently. Well, this isn't exactly true. I've been in the mood to write... I've had much in my head I've wanted to toss out onto this blank canvas of a screen... but every time I sit to write, the words fail me.

However, one of my resolutions was to write a sermon at least once a week. And so, I reread the readings from church today. I thought about the sermon that was given. I read the reading from "Christ in our Home" for today (which of course was the same as the church reading)... and read ahead for the next three days. All this managed to do was get the song "Turn, Turn, Turn" stuck in my head (ergo the title and picture for this post). So, as I cannot come up with a good sermon, or sermon topic, all I can do for this week's sermon is to write from the heart (in other words, this isn't so much a sermon as just a bit of rambling).

A week ago, the pastor of our church had his last service with us, and a few days later left our little town. For about 6 weeks we'd known this would happen... had time to prepare for it. But when it actually happened, it was obvious that no one was truly prepared. Today's church service, there was a sense of something missing... a sense of loss and confusion and disjointedness. No one sang. No one seemed too 'with it'. If I had to make assumptions, I'd say that most everyone was very uncertain... uncertain if we could make it as a little church, uncertain if they wanted to be there, uncertain what our purpose was, uncertain what the next steps should be.

The sermon was ok. It was well written (even though slightly long...[he put me to shame with lengthy ramblings]), and it was delivered acceptably. But as will most likely be the case for some time, it was almost audible the fact that this sermon and its delivery were being compared to those heard the past 2 years. I even caught myself doing this, although I've only been attending this church for a few months.

He did ask one good question... "If Jesus were in this congregation, and asked what you needed, how would you answer?" (slightly paraphrased as I can't fully remember how it went). That got me thinking. But unfortunately, I spent most of the sermon evaluating that question, and therefore remember very little of the rest of the sermon (the last 25 minutes of it).

Ecclesiastes 3 seems to be rather fitting though for what our church is going through, and what it has gone through. There is a time for everything. Sadly for our congregation, it was time for our pastor to move on...it was a time to lose. At the moment, we are in a time of weeping and mourning still because of that loss. Because this person we have lost is one who helped us build up, helped us embrace each other and this church, helped bring us to a time of love and peace and understanding amongst each other. And now, it's a sad time, a time of uncertainty, a time of worry.

But, this is how it is in all our lives.We hold on to loved ones, only to eventually have to face the need to let go of these relationships. We lose people to death; we watch loved ones bring home babies. We see times of war and peace (including little 'wars' with our loved ones). We have emotional breakdowns, only to later be built back up, hopefully stronger than before.

But, there is a purpose to everything that happens. We may not see it now, or understand what that purpose is. But there is one. And just as there is a time to weep and a time to mourn, there will eventually also be a time to laugh, and a time to dance.

--------------------
There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 from The Message) 

--------------------------------

Dear Lord,

Thank you for being with me in times of joy and times of sorrow; for the birth of loved ones, and for the time to know and love those who now reside with you. Thank you for standing beside me though I doubted your presence, and for sending someone to help my spirit heal. Thank you for the tears I've cried, tears which helped heal my heart and soul; and for the laughter and joy I have been able to experience. Thank you for giving me the courage to trust and allow love in; and thank you for standing beside me when hate and anger have entered my heart and mind, and for helping me to dispel those demons. Thank you for continually giving me the strength to face all the good and bad times I've encountered. Please continue to be with me through these times.

In your name, I pray
Amen.