Sunday, May 17, 2015

When the Voices Won't Shut Up

All day, the voices rang out loud and clear. All day, they refused to be silenced. All day, they reminded me of who I am. And then, as soon as I sat down in front of this blank canvas, they hushed. They told me to be silent. They don't want the words they have been uttering to pour out onto this page. They don't want anyone to know the truths they want me to remember.

Last week's sermon was about the choices we make (and how they are not always such good choices). Today's MOPS meeting was about forgiving others, and forgiving ourselves, and about accepting the forgiveness of others. Oh such wonderful topics to discuss - topics the voices want to speak about, but want me to keep their secrets.

Choices. Oh yes, I have made some horrible choices. I chose to sit on his lap. I chose to not speak out. I chose to leave. I chose to go for that bike ride. I chose to make bad choices in my marriage. I chose to drink and smoke and otherwise try to hurt myself. I chose to add another brick to the wall, another layer of wall around myself.

How do you forgive yourself when you know you do not deserve such forgiveness? When you know that you have made such grave mistakes? When you know you have consistently hurt others? Instead, you add another brick, and take another drink, and wish the voices would leave you in the peace you do not deserve, for just a moment. Instead, you wish just once the voices would lie and tell you you're worthy of forgiveness and love.

Those outside your head tell you that you're already forgiven by God. But how? Why? You have done nothing to deserve such mercy. You have done nothing to deserve such love.

If man was created in God's image, doesn't it seem logical that God would react as man does? You reach out for help out of the darkness, and are turned away, told he has nothing to say to you. If created in God's image, and responding like this, would it not mean that this, too, would be God's response? Is this not confirmation of your unworthiness?

I cry tears I am not worthy of crying. The voices tell me I am not allowed to cry. I don't have that right. But I cannot stop them from falling. I plead for comfort which I have no right to ask for. I beg for peace in my mind, but the voices just yell louder. I pray for love and mercy, while knowing these concepts are not for me. If our God truly is loving and merciful, if His forgiveness and grace are for me, then why can I not believe it is true? Why can I not accept these gifts. Why can I not accept that regardless of my unworthiness, these gifts are still for me?

And why won't these voices just stop tormenting me? 

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