The Lost and Forgotten

We were never meant to be happy or free. Our very lives were under the thumb of tyrants, each day being uncertain if it would be our last. Even the simplest mistake resulted in pain and torment. They controlled our every move - our every thought.

We were taught that love was pain, and hope a mere fantasy. God had forsaken us, and prayer was a useless act. Dreams were never meant to come true, and peace was non-existent.

We were the forgotten. The lost. The helpless. Our hearts grew cold and empty, our souls died.

We were the unlovable, the unreachable, the lonely. Trust, faith, love, tears - these concepts were a constant danger to our very existence.

I escaped the tyranny, but could not escape the lessons learned. For years I held onto those beliefs of being forgotten and lost, helpless and unlovable.

Many days I continued to wonder if your escape had been the better option. You escaped both the tyranny and the lessons. You found light by extinguishing yours. You found light, while we continued to live in darkness.

Days turned to months, and then to years. And the darkness remained my only companion.

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For many years I felt like were alone in our struggles. Yes, I had a vague understanding that there were people in the world who had it so much worse, but this was only a small notion, and one where I chose not to put my focus. Perhaps it was because I was simply too young and immature to recognize the world beyond myself. Perhaps I was simply too afraid to open my heart and care. 

It took me a long time to recognize there was a light shining through that darkness. It took me a long time to stop trying to put out that light - to stop being afraid of it. It took me a long time to understand that amid all the pain and suffering, that light had stayed by my side. It took me a long time to understand that I have the power and responsibility to show that light to others. 

Perhaps it was because of this realization that my heart is heavy today. Our world is broken. It has always been broken. And it will continue to be broken because so many people have refused to recognize that they too have this power and responsibility to show this light to others. So many want to lock the door and keep the hurt and lost and helpless away. So many are driven by fear or arrogance. Or both. They claim compassion, but don't truly understand what it means to be compassionate. They claim love, but have no understanding of what it means to love.

I no longer wonder if your escape was the better option. Yes, you escaped the tyranny and the darkness. But I have found something so much better hiding in the darkness - a light. Hope, dreams, love, peace. And I have found a desire to show this light to others, to help people realize they are not alone, or helpless. I have found a desire to truly give compassion and love to those who need it most - to those who were like us, or worse. To those who have that rope around their necks, and cannot find a reason not to let it tighten. To those who stopped believing, or never had a chance to believe. To the lost and forgotten.

Through the Fog

The fog has grown dense. I cannot see the trail in front of me, nor behind me.

I do not know if the monster which has been stalking and attacking me the past few weeks has finally moved on, or if he is hiding behind the trees, waiting to attack yet again.

Fear grabs hold as I realize I cannot see if God is here with me. I cannot feel His presence, though I try to trust that He walks beside me.

Uncertainty of what lies ahead slows my steps, my heart quickening, my breath shaky. Where does this pathway lead? Am I even on the right one, or have I somehow wandered off the path, to be lost and wandering forever?

Tears threaten to slip from my eyes, to mingle with the fog. I am lost. Unable to find the path, or my Lord, or myself. Frustrated in the knowledge that I have no knowledge of if or when this fog will lift, giving me back some clarity.

What if it never lifts? What if this is what it will be like for the rest of my days? Waiting on that monster, constantly uncertain if there is light somewhere, forever unsure if I am not alone, always frightened.

Please Lord, help me to trust in Your presence, and that you will see me safely through this fog.

Stripped Bare (Just a desperate plea)

Lately, I've found myself slipping, becoming more and more separated from God. I go to Bible Study, and it lifts me a little, but I'm still stumbling around lost in the desert, searching for something. I sit in the Church pew on Sunday, wishing I could feel Him, at least a little. I open my Bible and find only words - no hope, or joy, or comfort.

My heart grows colder, darker, lonelier. I reach out, but there is no hand there to grab mine and pull me from this pit. There is no light, showing me the way out. No voice offering peace or comfort. I'm alone. Separated. Afraid.

I fall to my knees in desperation. I cry out in hunger. The pain inside slowly turns to numbness, to nothingness. And yet I still cry within.

Oh, Lord, where have You gone? Why have You left me alone, enveloped in shadows? Why have You stripped from me this love and joy? Why do You withhold from me peace and comfort? Why have You left me without a single strand of hope to cling to? Please help me feel Your presence once again. Bring Your light back to me. Dress me again in the warmth of joy, peace, hope and love.