Unable to Focus

I would like to ask you all to please be patient with me tonight. I have spent the better part of the night out of focus. Or, unable to focus for any amount of time. The image above is one I create a few years ago when I was in one such mood. So many images and ideas flashing through my mind. I am unable to grab hold of any one of them for any amount of time.

Sometimes, I feel like much of this past year has been this way.

But, today, these images and ideas have occasionally paused, allowing me small moments of clarity. Small moments of recognition. Small moments where I have stopped fighting and heard God speak to me. But - this doesn't mean these words will hold any form of clarity to my readers (and perhaps, not even to myself when I look back on them). Therefore, I beg your understanding if my words appear nothing more than meaningless ramblings...

When I learned to trust God, and through Him, trust man (or, perhaps this happened in the opposite way. I'm still uncertain) it is something that just happened. I did not set aside my black candles and smut books and lustfilled thoughts and consciously allow my mind to utter "I am going to trust you now, God. I am going to trust in your servant now, Lord." No. I did not make the decision. It just happened.

Upon realizing what happened, I fought Him (and him). And this created chaos. This created my mind to battle itself. It caused my heart to spin in turmoil.

But from this trust, I subconsciously stopped fighting. My heart and mind unwittingly accepted that what will happen, will happen. And the colors again came into focus and into order. And all was well.

"If you truly are a follower of Christ, you will turn from sin."
"If you truly are saved, you will live a Christ-like lifestyle."
"if you truly are...."
And God... oh how I knew God was also speaking to me, in addition to all these utterances from well meaning people. 

But no! This means I am not. I do not. Me? What? Why? Where do I go? What do I do? I forced my focus onto studying God. Studying the Bible. Studying theologians and theologies and doctrines. My spirit emptied. My heart cried. My head spun out of control. I could no longer focus. Nothing was right. Nothing felt right.

I couldn't hear God speaking anymore.

Was He done with me? Had I angered Him with my bouncing between believing, loving and trusting and fighting those beliefs and love and trust?  Had I pushed too hard? Had I pushed God away?

I realized something today...

When I force myself to be of this earth - my heart, mind and soul go into turmoil. I cannot focus on any one idea or image or task.

When I force myself to be of God - my heart, mind and soul go into turmoil. I cannot focus on any one idea or image or task.

When I allow myself to be me - the person I have been and the person God is making me - my heart, mind and soul thrive. I can focus on whatever it is I am being asked to do. I can feel the Holy Spirit once again leading me.

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Why is this? It makes sense that if I try to force myself to be the old, unchanged me, I am going to feel this turmoil. But why would the opposite also be true?

Because I am doing what I think God wants of me. I'm not doing what He wants of me. I'm assuming I know God. I'm assuming I understand His plan for me.

When I release myself from that thought process, when I stop trying to think and speak for God, I can hear Him so much clearer.

When I stop trying to assume I know God, I am better able to truly understand.